There was no Need to Learn

Screw on the cap thingy THEN close the door! 

I have been learning a lot of new things lately. How to change a roll of TP. How to change a light bulb. When to take the recycle to the street. Where the yard trash goes at the curb.  The layout of Publix.   These things seem simple enough but I just never had a need to know about them. 

It's amazing the number of little ordinary things that Roger did for me every day. I am almost positive that I never said thank you often enough. 

Sunday after church is when you fill up the gas tank. WHEN did it start costing $67 to fill up a gas tank? I thought the pump was broken! And these new cars have a little rubber band that holds onto the gas cap...no way to leave it on top of the car.  I did find that you have to screw it back on before you close the gas tank door though.  Remarkable, the new gadgets we have these days! 

I have been to Publix exactly twice since February 10. Overwhelming. I am just going to be creative and use what I have until the cupboards are bare. That place requires far too much decision making! Stuff tries to jump into your cart from everywhere, and I am sure the place is chemical and preservative laden. Maybe Roger went to the store almost every day so he did not have to make so many decisions. I rather doubt that though. I am pretty sure it was his 'meet the people' break. If there was yard work to be done....Publix called! 

All these little things that I now have to do for myself just make me miss him all the more. The little things that take place day after day, month after month, for almost 41 years....they seem like just the normal stuff of life. They are so much more though. They really are expressions of love.  How often we take it for granted though. That makes me sad. It makes me sad because I just know that I did not say thank you often enough.  I'm sure though, that I did things that made him happy too, things that showed my love...maybe we just knew it and did not have to say it.

Life's too short though. So say it. 
Roger's Lesson:  Oh, it is probably to show your love.  
He was not that much of a talker...well, unless it was about the Bible or politics....and seasonally, football. (Thank you to all of you friends out there who talked sports with him....because I was a lost cause on that one!) 

Sooner or later I will get it.....one by one, each light will burn out. One by one, I will tackle each job and learn how to do it. But, oh....how I don't want too. 

Show your love to someone today, and if necessary, tell them you are showing love. 

Get that Olive!

Send it this way! 

For a salad lacking too much nutritional value, an Olive Garden salad is pretty yummy. I like everything in it except for too much dressing, those pepper things, and black olives.  

Of course, being such a perfect pair, Roger balanced that out. He could live without the lettuce, though he would eat it. He loved the onions, pepper things, and above all, the black olives.  It is a good thing we typically had more than one salad at our table on Sunday afternoons. It was also a really nice thing that most of us did not care for black olives.

It made Roger's day to get the black olive! I never saw anyone so excited over one of those things! It still makes me laugh. Typically I could dish out salads for both of us and never let one of the things touch my bowl. I had this ability to fish it out and get it on his plate before it could ever even touch mine. Why, yesterday, I even thought I still had the talent, because I fished around that pepper thing and left it in the big bowl.

But what do you know...at the end of my bowl, there it was, staring up at me, a black olive!  How did it slip in? It reminded me that Roger was there with us at lunch. He is not forgotten. We still have laughter and we still make plans...he would want it that way. 

That crazy little olive reminded me of Roger's Lesson.  Keep living.  Live well and laugh a lot while you are here, and do something really worthwhile with your time. The time for rest is later and eternity is a long long time.  I know it will be grand and I know he is enjoying it quite well.  But he is still very much missed. 

I guess that every time I see a black olive, I will just laugh and remember that he would want me to live well and invest in worthwhile endeavors. Friends are sooooooo worthwhile.  I am glad we have friends who laugh! And I am really glad that some of them will take care of the black olives! 

A Little Chalk

Four Fives

On my knees. That's what it takes to place an image on the sidewalk, or in this case, parking lot.  

Saturday was the Uptown Altamonte Art show and the theme was art and music. While I can't say that this fire bell was music to my ears, hearing a fire bell most likely could be considered music to Roger's ears. Even though these days, it is likely a digital tone, back in the day, the actual fire bell meant that someone needed help and there was a team on the way to help them. It was an alarm for everyone to get out of the way. 

The fire bell is still symbolic in the fire service and is used as part of the honor ceremonies at the funerals of firefighters. Though they use tones today, back in the day they used a series of bell rings to  send messages. Four Fives.   A series of Four.  Five rings each.   You are supposed to answer the call on the first ring of the bell, right?  Again...what? No answer.  Again.   #4 Final Call.  
This was so hard to take. It was profound. Memorable. Chilling even. It was the first time Roger had ever failed to answer the call. I think this will forever stay in my mind and heart.

We always felt like Roger was always 'on duty' even if he was not at KSC. How many times we were headed to or from an activity when he pulled over to assist until the on duty  first responders showed up. How many times we were at events when someone needed attention - and even if they thought they were fine, Roger was there, checking them out.  He was always calm, and had a calming effect on everyone around the situation. He always stepped in to take charge until the 'official' first responders were on the scene. 

It is interesting actually that in our home, we never had a broken bone. Never needed an ambulance. Not until February 10 at least. And then, he had already answered the call...the call to come home. 
This time, it was Jesus who called. 

I am forever grateful for the way the KSC and Orlando Fire Departments honored Roger. Wow, so unexpected. Certainly something I never expected to face. It still makes me so very sad that he is not with us every single day, and yet, I am also so grateful for the time we had together and that it was filled with more laughter than tears. In so many ways, he is still with us though and I know that faith in someone so much greater than ourselves is getting us through. God has a plan far greater than ours. He has an eternal lifetime for us to enjoy. 

Roger's Lesson: I think it was about serving. He was called to serve and it was his lifelong dream, and he lived it. He served in many places on this great old planet called earth. And he served until he was called home, and I just know that he is still serving....only at the feet of Jesus.  Really though, I think it is just a continuation of what he did for the better part of his life here. 

And yes, while family and friends and grandchildren and all kinds of wonderful things make my life full and joyful here, there are also those times when I would rather just step through that portal on the sidewalk like he did and start eternity. If you don't have that security, it's time to explore how to plan for eternity. It's all in the Bible. There really and truly is only one way to have that eternal joy and peace that Roger is experiencing.  He would say....'pick up the Bible, it's the manual for living, for here and eternity!"

More Than Chocolate

Quality product PLUS artistic talent! 

Roger loved that old movie "Forrest Gump." He did not like too many movies, other than things related to the War in Europe, but he liked this one. He liked good old Forrest and his outlook on life. It was always positive. No matter what. 

One of his other loves in life, probably right behind myself and the kids, was chocolate. Any chocolate. Well, brown chocolate, not white. (It was too sweet) Go figure, for a man who said he did not care for sweets, he at a lot of chocolate.  He could eat chocolate like a lot of people eat chips.  "They say it is good for your heart" he would say.  "The fat grams are not good for your health." I would say. He would chuckle. 

Chocolate did not call my name, unless perhaps it was white chocolate, or perhaps European chocolate. I always brought him plenty of European chocolate when I went overseas. Quality. Real quality! (And they think it is normal chocolate.)  I rarely eat chocolate and only tolerate it fairly well in chocolate chip cookies. I believe this might change.

Tempt me with color and design and creativity and you'll have me hooked. Then tuck under it some amazing Belgian chocolate....just, WOW.  Now, if Roger had this box of chocolates, and there were no other chocolate in the house...these babies would have been gone....1-12, in  few minutes.  On the other hand, these will take me 12 days, unless I share. Which I might not. 

The difference here is the ability to SAVOR. Roger did savor some things, but not chocolate. All chocolate was the same to him...like chips.  He used to bring me a Whitman's Sampler from time to time, and he always let me go first.  I always went for the chocolate covered cherry because it was so pretty. Then I learned to identify different chocolates by the particular shape or swirl and if all else failed, the placement chart.  I kind of like to know what I am going to eat before I eat it.  

And I can not stand it when someone breaks a chocolate apart and leaves it back in the box because it was not what they wanted. (Some children know who this is)   You take a toothpick and stick the BOTTOM if you absolutely must know.  

Since this box of chocolates is MY box of chocolates, I wondered what Roger's Lesson might be in all of this. It might be that chocolate makes your day special.   That would be true. Not only is this box of chocolates beautiful, and quality chocolate...it was MADE for me by a precious young lady who chalked with me. Her chosen art form is food and she is going to be a Chocolatier Extraordinaire if that is the direction she chooses.

When I was reminded that chocolate made any of Roger's days special, I also recalled that there were lots of things that he savored. Chocolate just was not one of them. I will savor the chocolate. I will enjoy the beauty, the design, the fragrance. I will wonder what is inside. I will take the risk without knowing. Yes, Taylor told me what was inside, but she did not leave me a chart...so the wonder of it all will capture my attention. And yes, I can tell if it is white or dark by flipping it over...but I am not going to. I am going to commit, then savor.  And I know that THIS chocolate is special, and it will make 12 days VERY special. (Because I probably will not share)

The little red square one on the corner was luscious white chocolate filled with what tasted like lemon meringue.  Oh man! Whitman's has a LONG way to go to touch this! 

It also reminded me that we all have talents and that when we use them for others, we not only get joy ourselves, but others are blessed. And talent is not just about art either. Roger's talent was really his interest in people (maybe not his only talent, but his strongest one.) I see that more and more with every passing day. 

Thank you, Taylor for making my day special by chalking with me...and extra special by leading me to a lesson about chocolate from Roger! Thank you for sharing both talents....and I was amazingly blessed! 

It Makes Sense?

I am not at all an auditory learner so I often come away from a message wondering about the things I heard, unless of course I wrote it down. Tonight I wrote nothing down. Call it unprepared.

What I thought that I heard tonight is that "it makes sense" but my head keeps spinning and trying to put that thought into some kind of perspective. A pastor said it, so I know it had to come from a spiritual place, but standing alone, that statement sounds rather cold and harsh, given the subject matter. 

Making sense of things that don't make sense at all. Our minds have this need to put things in order, to make things rational, to make something normal out of what is anything but normal. 

How could you possibly make sense of senseless, point blank, cold blooded murder? I can't fathom anything remotely close to having it make sense. This is far more difficult than trying to make sense of a man in relatively good shape just dropping off the planet while he was out running. I mean, we can rationalize things like age, like he could have eaten more fruits and vegetables, he could have slept more....all those things that 'they' say will extend our life. We can rationalize and make some sense of that. But cold blooded murder? How in the world?  I think that all evening long, after this memorial service, this thought has been tossing in my head. 

They sang this song...Josh Groban, You Raise Me Up.....it was a favorite of Roger's. They played it all the time on Celtic Woman, with the violin. Very Irish sounding. Karin bought him the CD for Christmas and he played it all the time. It did not make much sense to me then, but maybe he has a message for me now.     Roger's Lesson:   I think it is that you are stronger than you might think.

You Raise Me Up

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit a while with me

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up, to more than I can be

There is no life - no life without its hunger
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly
But when you come and I am filled with wonder
Sometimes, I think, I glimpse eternity.

I don't know if this is a Christian song or not, probably not, the theology may or may not be right, but it speaks to me whenever I hear it, and it spoke to me tonight.  It is almost like I could hear him saying that I really need this quiet...this 'get away' time....it is ok to sit in silence, but when I do it, I need to listen. No background noises of nonsense chatter (Call that TV - I have a habit of letting HGTV run quietly in the background)    Sitting a while can be referencing God, of course, but at this time, it also is kind of sitting and thinking about Roger and all of the things we talked and dreamed about over 41 some odd years.  And yes, it makes me cry because 41 was not nearly long enough. 

But then there is this part about hearts beating imperfectly and the thought about "it makes sense" came back to me. I guess this tragedy does make sense because this world in and of itself is pretty imperfect, yes, even evil.  Sure, we have good parts, we all have that....but surrounding us is the darkness of this world. That is what entered Windermere a week ago...the darkness of this world. The imperfection.  Unless Christ is guiding your footsteps, pretty much any of us is capable of evil...maybe not as evil as what was displayed last Saturday, but certainly evil to some degree. We don't think of ourselves as evil, but be still and quiet. Ick.  

And yet storms, when we survive them, make us stronger. I feel like Windermere is going to be stronger as a community. I can already see a peace and a quiet strength in our Police Department. They are different, but they would be. They have encountered two senseless deaths among police officers that served this town...both within a two month period.  I am sure that walking through the valley with Officer Pine, in a way prepared these young men for the strength that would be needed for Officer German. Each thing you do builds strength and character if you allow it. 

No one is perfect, of course, and I get kind of sick of that message that goes around that because you profess to be a Christian, you should be perfect. Oh goodness...that is certainly an unattainable goal....but it should be a goal at the very least. At least to be a light in a dark world...we can all do that...but not on our own.   The more I read and hear about Robbie, I think he was that kind of a light, in his ordinary every day way.  Roger was that kind of light too....no beating you over the head, but you knew he was different. You knew his strength was different and came from a different source. 

And then there is the part....."when you come, and I am filled with wonder...sometimes, I think, I glimpse eternity. "

Yes, there are moments. Moments when I want Roger back so badly, so desperately.  But if I am really still and really quiet, I can almost imagine...no almost visualize him enjoying the wonders of Heaven....and how could I ever pull him back and away from that. Is that what a glimpse of heaven is like? 

I still can't make sense of the senseless....but yes, it makes sense that tragic things happen in this life, because we live in the world...a world that has seen Christ but has rejected Him.  I am personally so glad that the decision to trust, believe, embrace....call it what you will....but to walk with Christ on this earth....that it is a personal decision and not one that we all do or don't do because one or two powers that be decide for us.  Boy....that is one decision you not only should make for yourself....it is one you HAVE to make for yourself.  It makes all the difference, not only in making sense out of this life, but for enjoying eternity or being miserable for eternity. 

And as Roger would say....'eternity is a very long time'

I am going to sit a while in silence a lot more often. 

Friends Nurture

Hands in the soil. Nature. Nurture. These things are healing. The weather has been great, so it has been easy to be in the yard. I have even weathered the critters that I have disturbed. If you talk to them, they go away. 

We received a most beautiful, and huge, prayer plant and it inspired me.  My neighbor yanked out some bromeliads for me and gave that big ole prayer plant a new home. So far I have managed to keep it watered and living.  It is the centerpiece of my new garden.   This cute little rose tree marks the corner. It received its designated place because it is relatively close to my pruners and I think that I might be able to keep it shaped up nicely...after it completes the blooming at least. Water. Sun. Snips. Hopefully this is all it will need! 

Bromeliads are on their way-out. Knockout roses might be on their way in. I need beauty around me and if Roger can't bring me roses, well then I will need them around his parking place. Fair enough, I guess. Now if my early rising, garden loving sister were just here to join me......

Roger's Lesson...keep growing. Find something to nurture (or mentor). 

He might not have been much of a gardener, but he loved that swing in the front yard and he loved it outdoors. I wish I had spent more time in the swing with him...bugs or no bugs.  So my message today is to spend time in the swing with your honey. There is just something very relaxing about swinging back and forth and spending time together. 

Well, at least if there are no bugs. Better hurry as put in your time in April! 

Therapy

Of course this will look better tonight with the Windermere Logo attached on the rail and lighted luminaries in front. Spotlights too. And dignitaries. And family. 

Roger always insisted that every little thing that you learn to do is useful for a purpose. Sometimes you don't even know the purpose.  I've kind of heard that advice all of my life, and I totally agree. That might be why I have always felt like being a lifelong learner was far better than getting your hard earned degree and just stopping there.  Roger was a serious lifelong learner. I don't think he ever read anything that he did not remember. And he remembered the most absurd things that most of us would just breeze over and not think about. I often thought that he should have been a college professor, but clearly he did what he loved and felt was much more suitable for him. Plus, he had a LOT of time off! Work hard, play hard....and chill a fair amount of the time too.  It is the chilling time when he spent his time in Windermere.  With people. 

I spent a fair amount of my time draping stage sets for everything from theatre shows, awards ceremonies and banquets and it was enjoyable. They were happy occasions. This is a sad occasion and yet, because I chose to get involved and assist by offering a skill that was fairly easy for me, it became very therapeutic for me.  Tonight's memorial is a community thing. It is a time where we can gather in support of not only Officer Robbie, but for the our entire Police Department.  We always appreciate our Officers, but we don't often say so. We do the same for almost all of our first responders, and especially our Armed Forces. We just don't say thank you often enough. Why is it that it takes a tragedy for people to come together? 

I'm so glad that the town planners chose to use Blue (for the police department) rather than black as a symbol of mourning. The drapery, indicates that we are in a period of mourning, but the blues somehow scream that there is hope. There is optimism here and that is the spirit of our community.   For many years, back when we were driving across town for school and Roger was driving to the Space Coast for work, people asked why we did not move East. He never would. We actually never wanted to. Leaving Orlando and entering Windermere was like going on a vacation. Every day. 

I remember when Maguire was a two lane road with no street lights. You turned off of SR 50 and it was time to de-compress. Ahhhhhhh.  It is not really that way anymore, but when I cross the bridge, I still feel it.  Ahhhhh.   There is no place like Windermere. Quite frankly, I am more than ready for the media to leave, for the helicopters to go elsewhere, for us to return to a sleepy little place that no one knows about or cares about.

But for the moment, caring is good, and there is a lot of caring going on here.  Roger's Lesson would most definitely be "CARE"....  I know he would be so very upset about what took place last Saturday morning, but I also know that he would have been so proud of his little community. It really was his little bit of heaven on earth and it is ours too! And people care. 

Yep....it is like no other. 
And Officer German was part of it...and made it better for all of us. 
Thank you so much! 

Concrete Canvas

SLF - Some Lengthy Flatland! 

Many things are going through my mind today. 

Sadness. Such sadness with the funeral of Officer German. I know that eternity will be grand, but it is so hard to get in that mindset when someone is still so very young. Our earthly minds just keep re-playing what we know of the story, and we want a different ending. We miss him in many different ways. This community has shown itself to be strong. Good leadership here. 

Friendship. I spent the morning with a great friend. What a refreshing thing it is to just be greeted with hugs and smiles and laughter. I have really great friends and possibly have not ever realized it as much as I do these days.  Laughter beats crying any day, but when a friend accepts that tears come, and can feel it too, and then brings back the laughter...a wonderful thing. A blessing of The Comforter for sure! It would be so much fun to have her living on my block! I guess it would be a very crazy fun world if all of my friends lived on my block! Maybe we should buy a hotel and retrofit it for our own crazy condos! 

Sidewalks. It is the season for streetpainting. I love streetpainting, and that does not mean that I like to paint the yellow and white stripes down the middle. There is something just so much fun about creating a piece of artwork on the sidewalk (or parking lot) and enjoying it for a bit, seeing others enjoy it, and then NOT crying because it is being washed away before sunrise. Maybe it is the challenge of completing something without the pressure of perfection. Maybe it is the tactile experience, especially since I do not enjoy working with chalk pastels on any surface other than some version of concrete or asphalt. Maybe it is the colors I always end up selecting...my palette never seems to change much so I guess I have my happy colors.   Maybe it is the experience of just being lost in my right brain for hours on end.  Maybe it is the memories etched in my mind and in photos with no way to 'fix' what I did not like, but only to accept it for what it is. For whatever reason, it is a gift that God gave me way on back in 1994 when it first came to Orlando. I took the risk. I learned something new. I joined an art movement new to Orlando. I love it. 

Today's photo popped up on my FB account this morning. Though I never worked at KSC, I loved the behind the scenes stories that came home with Roger. (42 years worth) He really had quite the interesting career, and because he never talked much about what HE did (he told stories about others,) well...we have come to see that he actually interacted with some pretty spectacular people.  This photo might look like the grandest sidewalk that could use some chalking, but no, this is the SLF...Shuttle Landing Facility....or in normal people terms...landing strip.   Look back into the distance and to the left and find the little tiny building with a driveway.   Well, up close it is a big ole driveway and a fire station with REALLY BIG BAYS. And some really big trucks too.  The station is pretty swell also. And that is not all that is wonderful. 

We were able to visit not long ago. I was not sure that I could do it, but with family support, and the wonderful Fire Personnel, it was a lovely visit. I knew after that visit why Roger was NEVER going to retire if left to his own timetable.  When coming across this photo today, I got Roger's Lesson too.  I am pretty sure it is 'Don't Quit"  or maybe, don't just stop doing the things you love to do.  

He did not have a bunch of hobbies. His family, his people at work, his people at church and in the community were the closest thing I can say were his hobbies. He used to call TMA my hobby too.  Things you invest time and love in, I suppose, would be your hobbies.   

Chalking fits in that category for me.  It might even be a bit of an escape for me. (It is a right brained thing) And as soon as my little ole leg gets back into shape, I will be back on that sidewalk with the next work of art. I can already feel it in my bones...and muscles...

in a good way! 

And my next piece will be dedicated to Roger. My love. 

FOCUS - It is not a car.

Officer Robbie 

Tears. Will they ever stop? There was a time, nearly two decades ago when I cried so many tears that I made up my mind that I could stifle that tear induced headache for the rest of my life.

I pretty well did that too, until 2014 arrived. To look at most things through my eyes these days, you would find the world pretty out of focus. (Political comment would fit here, but I will refrain)  Even if tears are not running down my face, even if my nose is not a sniffling mess, there are still an abundance of those vision blocking little blobs of liquid siting at the rims of my lids.

My eyes are anything but dry these days....you might imagine that it saves me a lot of money on Restasis....but I'll take the synthetic tears any day. No emotion involved that way!

I keep thinking of tears like rain. We hardly ever love it when it is falling and blocking out the sun, but afterward, the world is refreshed. Things like pollen are knocked down to the earth and not floating around in the air. The world just smells better after a good rain.  I am hoping that tears will eventually be the same way.  Right now my heart just hurts so much and I don't know if that brings the tears, or the tears bring the heart ache. It may well be that life is just going to bring one heartache after another, but I am certainly praying that God will keep showing me the big picture in all of this.

We went to the visitation for Officer Robbie tonight. These things are happening far too often these days. This one, so senseless.  His family, so strong and brave. Roger would have been there early. (We on the other hand can never seem to get a grip on early) But we were there. The men and women who participate as an Honor Guard for 'the fallen' are just remarkable.  What they do is only a step or so from the way the Marines guard the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. It is quite something. People work together in all kinds of jobs, and they find friendship and belonging. But...first responders....these are a special breed. They have something inside that makes them decide that above all else, they are willing to put their life on the line for someone they may not even know. It is a character trait that is really hard to identify, yet they all seem to have it. And they need each other much more than we who work in offices, etc, seem to need it. It builds a bond that you really can't explain, unless you have lived with it. All of our officers are hurting tonight, and officers throughout the state are as well. And they are tough, and I bet they are holding in the tears....but I also bet their eyes are pretty well filled with that watery stuff...even if it does not run down their cheeks.

I've been thinking a lot about Robbie today. Roger knew him and liked him very much. He was a good officer. A fine young man. A man with such promise and such a caring heart. We have other officers like Robbie, but no one IS Robbie.  Like other WPD officers, Robbie stood at attention at the roundabout when we made our journey to the church a few weeks ago. A special moment in time. He will have the same done for him. But way too soon.

I also thought a lot today about how I know that I recognize people around me, but I don't often know much about them, or often, don't remember their name. (I do try, but unless I have a paper and pencil....ugh, just call it tactile learning that I need)  I am working on becoming better at that.  I've even found myself asking...'help me with your name?"   Talking actually helps me to make that connection and I am taking baby steps at least!  It takes concentration to remember new names and faces and I can just bet that most of the time I have too many other things on my mind. I always think I will get a second chance to get that name. Well, clearly, not always.

Roger was more single-minded. He tended to do one thing at a time and focus on what he was doing. He also delegated better than I (he called it empowering)....This do-it herself gal, needs to work on that too! But when I am with people...especially new acquaintances, I need to be more single-minded. I need to focus.

I realized today that Roger's Lesson for me is to FOCUS.

He had started to drive me crazy by constantly asking me "are ya listening?".....I'm sure I was not! My brain even feels out of focus, fuzzy, these days. I don't particularly like that feeling either. It is like I can not stay on task for the life of me. I think the problem is 'too many things'......he would often ask me how many things I really needed to do at once.  Clearly, probably only one.

It is making me wonder if it is really such a great skill to be able to multi-task. I'm pretty good at it, and yet, I think that while it has allowed me to DO quite a lot in this little lifetime of mine...that skill has also ended up costing me quite a lot. I now believe that you lose a lot more than you gain when you fail to focus. Wish I had figured that out sooner.

When reading The Word....boy, I have to focus or I walk away not really getting much out of it. I have a feeling that it is God's plan for things to work like that. Now if I can only apply on a daily - almost momentary basis, what works when studying God's Word....
well, that might lead me into wonderful new discoveries....
and people!

Just Too Young

Just too young. 

My emotions are all over the place lately. I returned home Sunday to find out some most horrific news. I am stunned, in disbelief yet again, so saddened about the choices people make in this world of ours. Young lives ended too soon. Young people who are dealing with the results of the actions of others, others with no regard for human life. Any human life. 

I look at Roger's life and am reminded again that it was good. He gave a lot and he received a lot. He put others before himself. He truly had a servant's heart and served others in many ways that I never even realized. Maybe God just created him that way, and then maybe because of God...specifically Christ living in him....it was just expressed that way.  There is still so much that I don't understand about life. Cards continue to come to me revealing stories about Roger's quite remarkable life.

After some interesting conversation with a really special doctor this afternoon, I came away recognizing that perhaps Roger had fulfilled what he was here to do. I mean, yes, I know this...my faith teaches me this, and I believe it, but it does not always make me less sad. The doctor reminded me again that often 'these things' give us no symptoms and there is not anything that can be done to prevent 'a widow-maker'.....man, I hate that term. OK. All I can do is accept it. And though I never for one minute ever expected to live out my life without Roger (even though he was 10 years older than me)...here I am, in a situation I never ever envisioned.  And yet....

And yet, in this same span of time, there is this very young widow in this very same space on this planet, who is dealing with a seriously tragic situation. A young man, who served and protected, who loved his job and being out with the people more than he wanted to be safely behind a desk, who was friendly and helpful and truly served others...and gone. Instantly. It is really no wonder that Roger liked him so much. He stuck with us in this town even through the nastiness that took place in his very department in past years. He stood for what was right, never caved or compromised, and even closer to my heart....was a wonderful friend and mentor to a fine young man that I happen to care a lot about. What a great loss. 

Tonight as I am thinking about those wonderful first responders at KSC, many who told us about how Roger was a mentor to them, I find myself ever more thankful for his life and his impact. But I am also thinking about this very special young man on our own police department who lost someone who was a partner and a mentor. My heart is breaking for him, almost more than my own heart is breaking over Roger's early departure. This emotional pain thing is really exhausting! It is exhausting and the absolute only thing that brings relief is prayer...prayer, scripture, and knowing that God has allowed this in our lives for a reason...although we may not know the reason for a good long time. My heart hurts for his wife as well, for I know the 'fear' that can overtake the spouse of a first responder. Roger helped me to not let 'fear' consume me and I am thankful for that. 

I know that this young man will make it through. His heart is sensitive but he is strong. I am praying that his faith will be enlarged as he works his way through this very dark valley. I am praying for the many people in this town who have lost wonderful people in the span of less than two months and many just can not make sense of it all. Many are looking at life now from a different perspective. I keep asking God to show me the big picture, and find myself so thankful when He gives me glimpses of what I often just can not understand. 

In many ways, I am glad that Roger is not having to experience this. I know he would be strong and encourage others, but I also know that this would have broken his heart. I keep searching for an answer to my question...Roger....what is the lesson here? 

I think Roger's Lesson might be that constant reminder of his....."Plan for the future but live each day as if it were your last."

We did talk about that a lot, but I was always contemplating it in reference to me....hoping I am 'on task' doing something that would be pleasing to the Lord, hoping I would step out of this life and into the next doing something I love, and that He would love, and knowing that I was on my journey home, each and every day. Hoping I was not spending my days on wasteful things. We agreed about a lot of things, so I know that was his desire as well, and I believe he did just that. Just too soon.

I know that our young Officer "Robbie" loved what he was doing and was happy to be away from a desk. I know that my young friend is probably thinking of all of the 'what ifs' about now, but in his heart, knows that only God knows the date and time and circumstances in advance. We can only humanly control some things, but we can all pray for a hedge of protection around those who protect us. But even with that, God has his children in the palm of His Hand, whatever the circumstance. Only He can get us through this dark valley. 

Perhaps the thing we all need to do is to re-assure our loved ones that we know that we are on an earthly journey toward our eternal home.....and that we know where that home is and what the reward will be.  There is only ONE WAY, of course.....so don't be fooled by something false! 
I can still hear Roger saying that. Thanks Roger, for that reminder! 

Where is the mouth on this thing?

Morning is such a quiet and peaceful time. I love it when I wake to the chirping of the birds. There must be a nest of little bitty birds somewhere near my bedroom window for I heard them chirping so loudly this morning.  It would not surprise me due to the number of birds I have seen this spring!

Roger was always the one to rise early and get moving. Recently (since I retired anyway) he would be out and back in at least 3 and up to 5 times before I was fully awake! I miss the slamming of the kitchen door. Slamming, not because he was angry, but because he never knew how to softly close the door. (Turn door knob, pull it closed, release knob)  Nope, we got...bam!
Who knew you could miss such a thing?

Being in the garden just does something to you. It must be about nurturing something, getting out the weeds, preparing the soil, the challenge of creating or at least piling up all the oak leaves to achieve 'compost.'  I loved it when Roger would sit in the garden while I worked. If he was going to work, I had to catch him the hour before or the hour after his run. But sometimes he would just stand out there on critter patrol, or sit in a chair and talk to me while I tended to the weeds. Karin did that this afternoon. Nice. (Well, she is not so much on critter patrol as she is with the chair and blanket with the doggie on her lap, but she is very encouraging!) 

Jacob and Emily spent time with me this morning. Jacob cut the white strand of twinkle lights out of the fig tree. He asked me how long it had been there...I did not know....he said it was as long as he could remember. Hmm....he is about to turn 13.  But he was tall enough to get every last one, so I would call that perfect timing.  Emily LOVES the garden and we had so much fun planting flowers last year. This year we talked about what should and should not be in our orchard. Things that bear fruit. (Peaches, Plums, Figs, Grapefruit, Hot peppers that are still producing from last year!) Everything else could be pruned back or eliminated all together.  

Now Jacob is a really good helper after you fill him up with pancakes and sausage....and before he is attacked by a critter. Unfortunately, Jacob will not be filling Roger's critter control shoes. Jacob is a little too much like me....needing someone to watch out for the critters. He is tough though. When that crab spider dropped out of the tree and took a little chunk out of his arm, he was TOUGH. No, we did not call 911. We did not panic. We did not flail around as if we were leaving this earth immediately.  (We, meaning neither he, nor I)   Emily calmly kept pulling weeds and keeping an eye out for snakes and such.  After a quick search through the area, finding no critter of any kind, we decided that he had to have sent that baby sailing through the air after it bit him.  We headed to the house for a cold water wash, some antiseptic cleanser, and benadryl.  Then off to his house for benadryl liquid.  Yes, we had this thing under control even as Emily impatiently wanted to know when we could go back to the garden. 

Why Jacob and I also did our due diligence by researching through Google, just to be sure what we were dealing with.  

And indeed...Roger would have said..."ya done well"     Yep, we done well indeed!   
Roger's Lesson:   I guess it might have been to watch, observe, listen because one day you might need to know all of this stuff.  He definitely showed us how to 'never react'...he was always able to put emotion aside and deal with the crisis at hand. And goodness knows that I did not practice this stuff too often...he was just always there. 

And while Jacob's strengths lie in places other than EMT skills, Emily definitely knows how to access the needed supplies and bandaids! And she did it calmly too! What a sister! Jacob is blessed. I am blessed!  And yes, Jacob is fine and will survive. 

Though morning was a little stressful for me, I did just 'jump back on that horse' and get back to the garden in the late afternoon. Nothing but oak worms (that curly pollen stuff) landed on me.

Thank goodness! 

My Shield, My Protector

My reward? My message? We are having fun with these little shield pennies. Interestingly, even though they have been out for a few years, I had never noticed one until around the first week of February. Perhaps it was because I got a shiny penny in a handful of change that I even noticed it. In fact, I set it aside so that I could show it to Roger and ask if it was a real penny. 

Roger always picked up coins and looked at them. He loved it when he was surprised with a bicentennial quarter. Greatest treasure ever!  And wheat pennies... you can't forget to save those!  I always got a laugh out of his delight in finding these random things. When I would bring either one home, his delight was so much fun to watch! It just made his day.  Funny how something so simple can 'make your day."

I never did get to ask Roger about the shield penny and when life changed on February 10th, I honestly did not even think of it again.  When we made that really tough, first trip out to the Magic Kingdom and decided to stop in the Emporium to buy a special Disney Pin for our collection, Karin saw a penny on the floor and Emily picked it up. It was a shield penny. When they showed it to me,  the memory of my penny came back and we decided right then and there that a shield penny would be our special treasure. Maybe Roger was affirming that we did the right thing by taking that first Disney step.

Over the course of the next weeks, shield pennies showed up at random times. My little red jar has quite a little collection now. Daddy always saved heads up pennies. It was the only one he would ever pick up...heads up....after my mom died. He had a jar filled with them sitting inside his roll top desk. I never knew about them and never asked about them...I found them 'after.'

But we enjoy talking about our shield pennies. Affirmation, we call them. On the right track. Processing grief and using it in a positive way for our life journey. 

Why the shield? Well, Roger always wore one, at least from the time I met him. He wore that badge (or shield) of honor that is worn by a firefighter. He served and he protected. He did that in many ways even when he was not on duty as a firefighter.  He protected our family, guarded our values, stood in the gap between us and anything that would harm us. That is part of the great loss, I think. He was tangible. We could see him, feel him, listen to him. 

He wanted us to be safe, and secure. He showed us what it was like to have a protector.  I miss that a whole lot and often find myself wondering if I am going to be able to stand in the gap for my family as effectively as he did.  I know it will be different, but I also know that I love my family as much as he did! 

Rogers Lesson?  I think it might come from Romans 8. God is the great protector and provider. 

For I am persuaded that NEITHER DEATH nor life, nor angels
nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
nor height, nor depth, nor any creature
shall ever be able
to separate me from the love of God 
which is in Christ Jesus, our Lord. 

I believe Roger was here, at least in part, to show us how God protects. He is our shield. He was Roger's shield. He did not trust in a badge (shield), he trusted in God through Christ as his shield and protector. And he certainly was protected. Other than the corvette wreck, he never had a single fire related injury in over 52 years of service. 

I'll treasure those shield pennies and think of Roger's affirmations any time I get one. Right after dropping off the taxes and chatting a while with my perfectly precious CPA, I picked up a shield penny. We were supposed to be doing that together on the morning of February 11, but I'm just going to say that Roger was affirming that I got the job done and left the office happy/joyful rather than as a crying/blubbering mess.  (Thanks Mike!)   Affirmations. Yep, they make a difference! 

The Written Hand

Seeing it in writing....

Penmanship. Now there is a lost art. In this world of technology, when does someone ever write out much more than a greeting card or thank you note? Even then, there are the e-greetings and thank you's available online. 

Over the past month, I have received some of the most precious messages written by hand. I had sort of forgotten how special that is, and happen to be one of the world's worst about actually doing this myself. I mean to, and I write, but that getting it in the snail mail thing always trips me up! Shameful! 

Penmanship - the definition I learned many years ago is that penmanship is having enough respect for other people so as to write in a hand easily read and understood by others.  Pretty cool. It is also a bit of a 'slap in the face' to me when I scribble something, even to myself, and then can't make it out. (Of course, this excludes journaling when on a bus, because some of that kind of scribble is unavoidable)  

I always loved penmanship class. Yes, youngsters would find it unbelievable that it used to actually be a subject in school!  I loved the challenge of getting my loopy letters just perfect. And the ones that hang below the line...oh yes...the flourishes one could add! (I always got in trouble for that, however) The o's and e's ... they taught me about opening up and compressing. Such control was necessary for fine penmanship.  I was probably drawn to it because it was something I could control. 

A precious friend stopped by for a chat...and lots of laughter...and brought me this lovely handwritten report of sorts on Grief. I had casually said that I surely would like a checklist, or spreadsheet, so I could complete everything required and be done with this crying. And look at her...not only did she know that I had crazy thinking going on there (nothing new) but she put together a little list to help me. Being a fairly organized and task oriented kind of gal, I am very fond of spreadsheets. They are one of the most wonderful things ever invented by technology! (I was in love when I saw the first columnar pad in my dad's stationery store decades ago)  It seemed a very reasonable way to me for attacking this 'stages of grief' thing.  Wrong. 

I enjoyed the fact that this little message to me was written by hand. (and quite legible too!) A personal delivery too...exactly what Roger would have done! A gift from above! 

But the message contained within was so very freeing. It showed me that grief is not something you can organize, fit neatly into a spreadsheet checklist, nor control. There is no normal. WHAT? !  
Not that by any stretch of the imagination have I ever fit into the box called 'normal' but it is something that I constantly strive to attain. There is no NORMAL?  What is the standard then?

I have observed people going through grief. Some never came out of it and I mean 20 years later. Some exist but never really live again. Some just always have a sadness that never seems to go away. Some held an anger or madness that would never go away. And yet, some came out on the other side joyful and encouraging and living life to the fullest. I just figured that some did the checklist and others missed something. Possibly not, since there is no 'normal.'

So how do I combine this intense sadness and loss with the desire to come out of this joyful and encouraging and living life to the fullest?  I knew Roger Tome well enough to know that he would be a mighty unhappy fella to find his family wallowing in sadness. For ages. So we have to figure this out. 

There is no deadline. This is hard for me. I am fond of deadlines. They keep me on task. Take away my deadline and I might go stark raving mad! Scarlet O'Hara wore her black mourning clothes for a year, because that was supposed to be normal. (Clearly it was not her normal)   A year seems practical, because you would do everything the first time, alone, within a year's time. But it also feels so much like living in a box. And I can't maintain sadness for a whole year. Nor would he want me to.  So how does this grief thing work itself out? Karin helped me with that...  http://www.everydaykarin.com/2014/03/what-grief-feels-like/

My little notes are going to help. 
There is no normal. It takes time. Time is different for everyone. It will be much easier if you let God love, comfort, and direct your path. It hits you physically, emotionally, cognitively, behaviorally and spiritually.  (Yes, even when one considers themselves not much of a spiritual being, God is still there, waiting to help, leading.) 

And most of the time, you never know, and can not predict what will set off any of those factors. 

But the most freeing of all was in learning that it is about adapting and making the transition. It is not about 'getting better'  or 'getting through it' or 'moving on.' 

"We don't get over a loss. We accept our grief journey as a part of our life experience. The loss experience is a part of our life journey"       

I don't know if that is personal words of wisdom, or condensed from something she has learned or experienced, but wow...it is profound! And it speaks loudly to me. 

And it fits perfectly with Roger's Lessons about life in general. We are on a journey. We will experience all kinds of things during this earthly existence and they will prepare us for that eternal one. Perhaps the sadness and loss will serve to contrast with the joy and gain we will have in Heaven.   

Interestingly, this is not so far off from what I have felt compelled to do all along. To get out of myself and into others. To take those times of deep sadness and focus on his joy in Heaven. (Of course, I can do this because my faith gives me the strength to think of eternity in a very positive and uplifting way, with Jesus, forever)   And it was so encouraging to read, from one who has the training and knowledge in this area, that I'm not a crazy person. These highs and lows do not mean that I need something to dull the pain...they are expressions of grief and their intensity will subside...in time. 

Time heals. 
But I suspect that time will heal the pain of loss much more effectively if Christ is central to that process. I have determined that I will live out the rest of my life joyful and as encouraging as is possible for me. I want to be like Roger and make people feel better because thy have crossed my path.  Other people surely do that for me!   

And now, back to the thank you notes, in a written hand, legible, out of respect for others. 

Tax Time

Here you go, Mike!

There. I did it. As finished as I am able. This is the job that was to be completed on the evening of February 10, after a light salad dinner. Boy did that day change my life forever. 

Plans. Roger never planned too far out when it came to doing things, but we had a full day of plans for Tuesday, February 11. Driver's License stand in line, deliver the taxes to our CPA, lunch, Monuments Men, pick Emily up, Allen's. ....a very full day. A very fun day. 

He also lived each day to the fullest. And he did that as well on February 10. But boy...he left behind a job that he never really did, but he really encouraged me to hurry up and finish. It was so hard to get through it too.

I pretty much isolated myself from everyone and everything from when I got up at 5:30 AM until the last paper was finished and copied at 3 PM.  And I did not get a drivers license and I did not get lunch out, but I did pick up Emily, read a paper at Chick Fil A while she played, pick up Jacob and succumb to Allen's.  It was a memorable day too. 

I think he would be happy that I will see Mike today and get this thing done. And I better see a red cardinal or shield penny today to solidify that thought! 

Trying to keep my thoughts away from the extremely time consuming and mind boggling way taxes are handled in the good old US of A, I thought about how Roger really liked doing things the simple way.  I don't know if he ever would have transitioned from his go-phone. It was very stressful losing that pager (beeper we called it......"Drown that thing" we said!)    Only in the rare case of a bill having to be paid to a distant city, did he cave and let me pay it online. Even when you had to pay to give a check to the Power company, he kept doing it that way. It was the local person thing, I am confident! 
He was never going to give up the house phone...you never know if the power is going to go out....and that digital one never ever made him happy. Give the man a rotary dial! 

It's actually a good thing that we laughed at him (a lot) about these things when he was with us. And he would laugh too. And agree.  It makes it a lot easier to continue to laugh about them now.   But he liked simplicity. When you hear the phrase....'travel lightly'.....he really did, well, except for all of the stuff in his car....but then, there might be an emergency and he was prepared. 

I wish the IRS would travel lightly. I like God's plan. Tithe. 10%. Easiest math ever.   10% God. 10% Government. And if EVERYONE (even the most impoverished) would do that, I just bet there would be plenty for the good programs and the nonsense programs alike.  And everyone would be a part of the solution that way too!  But that is too simple for most people.  So, we stay exhausted and confused and stressed. 

Since I have not been particularly interested in things of a governmental or political nature of late, I found myself wondering what lesson Roger was going to show me through my journey with the IRS.  

I think Roger's Lesson is simplicity. Don't make life more difficult than it needs to be. Find the lowest common denominator ... the shortest route... to getting something done and do it. Then spend the rest of your time with people.   

Paying a person was the shortest route to bill-pay. You didn't have to think about it being lost in the inefficient mail system because you had a receipt in your hand.  Ok...true enough.  He never needed one single item that had a bunch of bells and whistles. More to break, more to eat up your time away from people.  OK....true enough.    

And he probably would have done those taxes without looking for a single receipt for deductions. He would have just paid the bigger bill, and spent the rest of the hours doing something with people. After all, I bet I saved a big whopping $25 after all that effort! So...he was probably right about that one too! 

He slept little, but enjoyed people and life much. Pretty simple life plan, I suppose. 

I'll try to go through life today more simply. Of course, every day I do that...I am just not very good at it. He would tell me that practice makes perfect...so I shall keep trying! 

Corned Beef. Really?

It is almost noon and the house would normally be filled with that distinctive aroma of corned beef and cabbage simmering in ye olde crock pot. It is St. Patrick's Day, and if it was any kind of a calendar holiday, you could bet that Roger would have something appropriate on the agenda in the food category. (Never mind that corned beef has about a billion fat grams)

Roger loved his holidays and he loved foods that went with any given holiday. But he also knew a good bit about why we even celebrated holidays. 

St. Patrick, for instance was not just some little leprechaun guy that went around turning rivers green and breaking out a ton of beer.  St. Patrick has a pretty interesting story, which always fascinated him/us, because in Christian schools...back in the day....it was one of those holidays, much like halloween, that was ignored, if not banned.   I guess that Saint stuff throws Baptists. 

Not being such the researcher as Roger was, I just went where pointed most of the time, even though he thought a lot of that kind of stuff was silliness. I studied up on good old St. Patrick when I took a group of kids to Ireland, and what do you know.....he was right all along about the silliness.  

Patrick, who was not even Irish, but was indeed a missionary, was quite the interesting fellow. (Click that link to learn more...it is short) This is another good reference.   Roger always thought it would be interesting if during all of the parades and drinking parties, people were actually introduced to good old Patrick the missionary.  His mission was pretty simple too. 

I am a servant of Christ to a foreign nation for the unspeakable glory of life everlasting which is in Jesus Christ our Lord. ~ Patrick

I wish Roger could have gone with me to St. Patrick's Cathedral in Dublin, Ireland. It still stands out to me as a remarkable place. At over 800 years old, it has some great history! (Click, you can even watch videos!) 

Boy, how far the celebrations of this day have come from what St. Patrick spent his life involved with. 

Roger was also a great fan of old hymns. He tolerated modern music ok, but his love was the hymns because they speak so deeply. The language is so meaningful, and I would have to say that I have always agreed. I don't like music where there is poor enunciation. It is too hard for old people to understand what is being said, and we need words. But we did understand that it is supposed to draw the youth to church, so...ok, we tolerated well, but always wondered if the youth knew what they were really missing. And all that jumping around. Back in the day we did that for folks like the Beatles. We did not see God as a Rock Star. Someone to be reverenced, held in awe, lifted up upon a pedestal, sure, but celebrity...no. Celebrity is a passing thing. God is enduring. .....But again...to each his own, I guess.  

But if you really want to know Roger.....ah, listen to this Old Irish Melody....it is a hymn. 
But first....stop what you are doing. Block out the cares of the world. Sit quietly and just listen and also just let the words speak to you. Don't let the thees, and thous and arts bog you down. Your brain can convert it to modern English.  In this particular version, there is a pause (musically called a rest) at the end of each phrase. Let your breathing become paced with the song, and see if it does not also induce a calmness in you. 

Old Irish Hymn: Be Thou My Vision

Now, wasn't that just refreshing. That feeling of calm, and peace, and just knowing that God is in control....there is nothing like it.  I need that a whole lot right now. More than ever in my life, in fact. 
          .
Thou and Thou only, the first in my heart
High King of Heaven, my treasure thou art

High king of heaven my victory won
May I reach heavens joys oh bright heavens sun

Heart of my own my own heart whatever befall
Still be my Vision oh Ruler of all

As I listened to this little clip this morning...over and over and over....
The last phrase kept coming back to me....and I think that is Roger's Lesson to me for the moment. 

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall....Still be my Vision, oh Ruler of All. 

I think that he is showing me that without that Vision, that hope of eternity with Christ, this journey is not all that it could be. Things happen. Struggles come. But God is constant and this is only the practice field for eternity. Wow. A little song, a message from ages ago, and yet, those works speak as loudly today as when they were first written.  

St. Patty's can be about special meals, and green stuff, and even intoxicating beverages and a lot of frivolity....but unless you got the message that St. Patrick was preaching....it's all just another day that leads you essentially to nothing. 

Wow Roger, who would have thought food would lead us to this lesson? 
I won't forget the Vision! 

Pruning to the Core

Pruned Plum

It's been one of those days. Highs and lows. It was lovely, sunny, and mildly springlike as the sun came up over the community garage sale. Clearing out some of the treasures that tend to build up over time is always fun. Like clearing out the cobwebs, I suppose. Of course, we only sell those 'treasures' that we are ready to part with and probably never turn loose of all that we should.  Even though it is a lot of fun, we hardly ever come out with much of a profit...there is always something else we absolutely must buy. This must be an American phenomenon. 

I returned home to find little baby peaches on my trees and my plum tree in full bloom. Well, maybe not FULL, but more in bloom than it has ever been. I baby this tree way too much. We had a plum tree when I was growing up and I stand determined to get plums on this tree.  Last year I had blossoms but that April storm ripped it all apart. We start over. I am hoping that the deep pruning resulting from that storm will prove fruitful. 


Afternoon brought some fun time with old friends. Not old as in age, but old as in from a few years back. We don't get to see each other often enough, yet God caused our paths to cross for a reason, and that thankfulness continues. We just seem to pick up where we left off. Even more fun was the "kids" who are by no means kids anymore. What wonderful young adults they have become. I always knew they would. It was fun to hear from our 'almost newlyweds' the story of how she came to tour TMA and did not want to be there at all, yet two people spent a little time with her and her mind was changed. I never knew that, though I do remember that first meeting. Because she came to TMA and got involved in a program with a wonderful group of kids, she ended up meeting and dating what would become a great friendship and the love of her life. (Well, he better be the love of her whole lifetime!...I believe that will come to pass)  Funny....chance meeting....taking a little time with a young person....that meeting changed her life. Well, not really funny at all, but deep and meaningful and life-changing...and yet that is how God works. Mysteriously almost all the time.

Parting was such sweet sorrow....I never really thought about that, but sweet because it was a sweet time, but sorrow because the house was so quiet and so empty when they all left.  Walk the dog. Return to quiet and emptiness. It was almost suffocating. How do you go from such a high to such sadness in just moments? I guess grief is like that. You never ever know when it is going to hit and what is going to set it off. 

Then I thought about that plum tree. Beautiful, blooming, full of fragrance a year ago. Then suddenly a violent storm blew through and ripped off all the buds, left it a mess. Then the pruning was pretty deep. I wondered if it would ever survive.  But look.... a year later, it is more beautiful than it ever had been before.  Only God could do that. 

I wondered what Roger's Lesson might be, simply because gardening was not his thing, although he would always collect and take to the curb all that I had pruned away. I wonder if it might not be that sometimes traumatic things happen in our lives, and sometimes a deep pruning is necessary. Sometimes it has to be taken back to your core, your foundation. But the result is something more beautiful.....if it is done right. 

Maybe in my case, doing it right would be to just keep trusting God. No matter how I may feel or what emotion may surface, trust God. No matter how lonely or quiet it seems, use that quiet time to trust God. Rejoice in the good and joyful times but also rejoice in the sad times because through it all,  you've just got to trust God.  And yes, I have to because sometime so very long ago I was taught that it really was the best way, and through the years I have seen it lived out. 

And this pruning of my stable, normal, ordinary life is not so much fun......but I am going to trust God that a year from now, we are going to see something really beautiful come out of it. 

He's Got Your Back

Bathed in prayer is what I would call it this morning. How can a heart be both heavy and excited? How can one be excited for the adventure awaiting a young, confident, patriotic young man and yet so heavy about the potential danger that lies ahead. It seems such opposite extremes. I'm looking for a lesson here. 

Someone so precious to me is about to embark on this "mission", I'd call it. I find it so remarkable when young men (and women) so willingly desire to enlist in our military. Ours is like none other. I pray for them, not only for the way they 'stand on the line' for me, but because I feel like our own govt does not always have their back. I know that God always does though. If they are His, then he has ALWAYS got their back!  Yes, I know that does not necessarily mean perfect safety, but it does mean perfect peace. I need a really big dose of that peace this morning!

Interestingly, I have no real idea about how this nation of ours is doing right now. Roger always knew what was going on in this country, what was being voted on, who the big players were at any given moment. He pretty much knew what was going on in the world at any given time as well. He made the world of government, politics, global affairs so very interesting. He had a way of putting things into perspective, and yet he never ever really showed fear for what tomorrow might bring.  He never showed anxiety in any way, even when he did not like the decisions being made 'by the powers that be.'  I know that was God's peace and he had it because he always knew who held the future, and as he would always say...."pick up the Bible and read the end of the story."  (We win) 

And he recognized that a lot of people these days just blow off the Bible as any kind of serious reference. (Bad call, he would say)  And yes, take it or leave it, you have to wonder....what if at the end of it all, The Bible, and what it contains really did hold the answer to everything. It's going to be a pretty interesting day when that answer is revealed! Roger never worried because he knew what he believed and he believed it to the very core of his being.  I do too, which also makes me wonder why in the world I have this heaviness this morning.  Perhaps it is just because I live in THIS world, where most of the time, nothing makes sense.

So I pray for all of the positives that God promises us to surround my precious one this morning. And not only him, but his adorable wife and siblings and parents and aunts and uncles and friends. And I pray for those that he will meet along the way, because I also believe that God allows people to cross paths for a reason. It is not destiny, it is not fate, it is God so very often working out his plan with a heavenly encounter. I've seen it too often. I know it is true. I pray for those who will guide him, that it will be wise counsel that he receives. And I pray for that hedge of protection around him that only God can provide. 

But where is Roger's Lesson?  I'm wondering if his 52 years on the fire service is not what he is showing me now. It is a pretty dangerous career choice, and certainly at the top of the stressful list put put out by insurance companies. And he worked around some serious explosive opportunities. Yet every shift day, when he walked out the door to put his life on the line for someone he probably would not even know, he did it with the confidence that God had already planned his day and held him in the palm of His hand. He would always remind me that he could just as easily step off a curb and get hit by a bus and that God was in control.  No matter how I try to play things out in my crazy head, I just keep coming back to that.  Fifty Two (52) years on the Fire Service and never a fire related injury, and yet, doing the ordinary thing he did almost every day, he left for eternity. 

It had to be God's plan, and it had to have a message for us. And that's all there is. 

Do what you have a  passion for. God is in control. Or perhaps more accurately, be sure you are a Child of the King.....and God's for sure got your back! 

Thanks Roger for that lesson. You lived it every day and I almost missed it. 
And like I always prayed for your safety on duty, I shall keep doing that for others. 
It's the only way to have peace about a very dangerous career!