Mending

February 27, 2015

It was a big surprise!
And it came all the way from Honduras.

Last night I slept for 12 hours. Imagine that, after sleeping most of the day as well. God knew that I would need it!



My ride arrived bright and early for the appointed day was upon me. Yesterday I was not sure I would feel like going anywhere for a while - but I was determined to optimistically 'Push Through."

This morning I got up and felt great. Imagine that!

Emily had been hard at work from many miles away to create a special surprise for her mom. I was blessed to be a part of it, even though neither one of us had a clue what was about to take place.

Eddie delivered the envelopes at the appointed time, and we were told to follow directions. This would have been a really tough directive if Janie and I were not so absolutely obedient!

Envelope #1 contained a puzzle - one of those cryptogram things that totally confuse me. We put our brains together - as Eddie looked on with the most puzzled expression. He knew the answer and we almost missed it on the first try. Ok, we did miss it, but figured it out by the time we got to the end of the puzzle.  11 am is far to early to be doing puzzles.

Destination - THE COOP!  What a fun place to have lunch. When it is a blustery day - as it was today - it is even more fun. Warm, yummy, comfort food. "Best Chicken Pot Pie  - EVER!"

By the end of the day we would realize that we lingered too long, but OH - to sit on the porch (enclosed, of course) and chat....what fun!  Great friend, great food.  It makes me think of how amazing it will be one day to sit at the feet of Jesus AND be able to do it with lifelong friends!

We actually saw this sign on the wall as we parked the car. It was such a perfect message.....like God's handwriting on the wall!
Here I am, determined to stick with it and 'MEND' and Janie, who was in the hospital at the same time as me (only we did not know we could have waved to each other across the courtyard)...was also in the mending phase of her life.

There is no way that Emily could have known she would be a part of a pretty large message from above!



Service - remember my day at the Post Office?  We must have been quite the site, just trying to do a selfie with two selfs and this big ole sign.  A sweet lady with a little girl stopped and asked if she could help. We were excited and handed her not one, but two phones. She kept taking photos until she got it just like she wanted it! WOW.  We found out later that they had stopped to run to the restroom.   But she made a stop on her way and was a blessing to us. I hope her day was especially blessed. I bet it was - I bet she did stuff like that often.

ENVELOPE PLEASE!

This time we had to read some little poems and fill in the blank.
The little thing that looks like a coaster is actually a gift certificate.
Upcoming - a visit to the pottery studio to create a little work of art!

Where did Emily get this idea?

It was a lot of fun. This place has been in business around 18 years, and yet, I have never stopped in. For some reason, back in the fall, I had been thinking about creating a special plate for some special reason. I have no idea what I was thinking back then, but that I can remember that I thought about it is a step in the right direction.

At least it narrowed down the choices!  A plate it would be.  Janie decided on a plate as well.

Janie is faster with decisions than I am. She collects snowmen, so she painted herself and Eddie, disguised as snow people.  I taught her to use a ruler as a mahl stick so she could steady her mending hand.  See how we are learning that ALL THINGS CAN MEND!   Good therapy, Janie!

As is typical, I had no idea where I was going, but I love that design element called "repetition." I use it a lot. Some people call it redundant.
It works like this - Repetition. Pick a mark. Do it over and over in a spaced out areas and it becomes a design. Design - that is art!

I don't have too much trouble handling a paintbrush and though rusty, thankfully the skill returned quickly. It was a good reminder about how much I love to paint and how much I really need to get those brushes back in my hands again.

Interestingly, in wondering what I really ought to be doing with my time - the long or short of it - painting is one of the things that I listed as one of the desires of my heart.  Emily would have had not way of knowing this either!   But God did - and Emily allows herself to be used of God.

Janie had a good time and learned a few speedy skills. Whew - there is still some art teacher in me.  Keep it Simple, Silly! (The KISS principle)

Once again, we lingered, but since art is a right brained activity - you legitimately lose all sense of time. And so we did.  We turned in our creations for firing and they will be ready next week - all bright and shiny!

ENVELOPE PLEASE!

The next envelope required that we recall our history lesson. Thank goodness Janie knew a song!
I did the backup clue which required the math - and we both came out with the answer! Imagine that!
1814
And then filling in letters in another spelling game until we were able to spell Edgewater.
Ah....close to home!

Eddie called, and we missed him because the handbag was on the floor and Janie was driving and little ole ladies should not be messing with technology while driving anyway.  It turned out to be an important call, but we were making our way around the golf course - ending up almost where we started - but we laughed a lot.  Laughter doeth good - like a medicine.
And medicine MENDS.  (No bad side effects either!)

We finally made our way to 1814.
We thought it might involve caffeine.
It did not.
It was a flower shop.
It was closed. We were lost in our right brains...and trying to get around a golf course...and they locked the door right before Eddie arrived to save the day for us. Of course, we did not know he was doing that because - that phone and driving thing.

But we know that Eddie will save the day anyway!

Roger's Lesson:  Friends - best things to collect on earth. EVER.  Timing - I don't think you will ever get it, sweetie. Just be sure that you don't miss the Rapture. You really have to plan for that one in advance! 

Oh - don't worry about that! I will not miss the Rapture!  That is sealed with the blood of Christ!

In all of my random-ness and repetition while painting, this is what came out of my paintbrush.
It should be deep teal and fire engine red when it is fired.  Teal for me. Fire engine red for Roger.

Perfect colors for us.

The script. It is just what God placed on my heart in the moment.

"All things work together for good for those who love Him. " 

I do love Him. I also believe this journey is working for good, even though I often don't understand it.

In the center...
"As for my God - His ways are perfect!"

The most wonderful thing is that I do not have to understand why things happen as they do, or why the timing is what it is when traumatic times come - I just have to know that God's ways are perfect. He has shown this to me time and again, and I can say that while I mend - I am at peace.
I am enjoying each day with most wonderful friends. I will take one day at a time. I will enjoy the fact that I can sense the presence of Christ in so many different ways.  I can rejoice that on January 5, I was not at all certain that I would live to see April 1, but today I feel that God is indeed mending me and though I may not know for how long, I do know that He numbers my days, not me.

Even more....

There is no way that Emily could have known what God was going to place on my heart at this particular time, on this particular day. But she was a part of it. Because, His ways are perfect.

Blessing =  Emily.
Thank you for blessing us today in a very unexpected but absolutely wonderful way.

Stick Success

February 26, 2015

When I think of Roger, one of the first qualities that I think of is that of servant.  He was always helping someone.

No matter where we were, his eyes were moving to and fro, keeping a look out for someone who might need something.  They might need a quarter, they might need help with a bag, they might just need a smile or a laugh....he was there to deliver.

I always think that I am observant - in an artistic kind of way - but in a people kind of way, well, not so much.

Jim is much like Roger in this. Always willing to lend a hand, even if you don't think you need a hand.  He says to the kids all the time "see the need."   I think it is a really good and simple way to teach them to see what others might need.  Sometimes I know he thinks they will never get it - but they do.

FINALLY, I gained permission to drive. Yes, me. Old lady. Been driving for decades. Yet my precious and protective daughter finally gave me permission to drive to the post office. By myself! In the driver's seat!  AHHHHHH FREEDOM!

Do you ever think you just HAVE to do something, but then find out later that it might have not been as easy a project as you thought it might have been?

Today.
Me.
Three envelopes in the zipper pocket of my cross body bag.
One puffy mailing envelope
One smallish box weighing less than 1.5 pounds.
One key ring containing 3  PO Box keys - on a loop, attached to finger.
One hiking stick (Canes are not as fashionable)

Simple, right?

Oh, yea for the Handicap tag and front parking place!

What God showed me in this little adventure was how many times during this little 15 minute journey that I would have appreciated a hand - ah, if one had been offered.

Car door open. Everything in hands...how do you close the door with bad hips? - push it a little and be glad you are in an ok neighborhood and do have insurance in case of theft.

Door - those things are heavy. People inside the glass don't see you. Wait for the exit door to open. Three times, not one held it or saw the old lady with the stick.  Finally after leaning backwards on the in door -which was heavy - someone opened from the inside and I almost fell - in.  Whew. Good save.

Long line at the self mailer station.  Moved to put packages on a shelf so I could stand for a while. Two people got in line while I moved. Oh well.

I am pretty swift with the machine - so packages ready for stickers - two trips to the table. Apologize that next person had to wait a second.

Lady two back had one tiny package and a baby and asked lady in front (The one behind me) if she could possibly do a quick one.  Lady said - no, you can stand in line like everyone else.  Nice.  Wish she had been behind me. At least I would have let her go first.

Three trips to the mailing bin to put packages and envelopes in. Hobble Hobble with stick.

Ah....now the PO Boxes.  Oh Roger - how you loved exercise. Two of the three are on the BOTTOM row and one is three rows up.    No bending over.. Hmm...this was fun.  Lean to the left on mailboxes and try not to lose balance to get key in box.  Pull out junk mail. Pick up mail in all three boxes in hands, stand up, drop half of it. Pick it up. Drop keys.   People in line are watching.
Use stick to pick up keys - yea for that pick on the end of the walking stick.

To the desk to sort and toss out junk mail. Lots of it. Pick up everything and head to the car.

Heavy door. Again.  Stand beside door and when next person comes up and pushes, step forward so I can go out first and say "Thank you So much!"....not sure that is what they intended though.

Success....almost.   Get to car. Open door which is unlocked thankfully - drop car keys.

Toss mail on the seat, lean on door, navigate and go fishing for the keys using the hiking stick.  After 5 tries...hiking stick success!!!  Two people in parking lot talking and watching.

Now - I as I write this, I almost find myself laughing in comic relief - and yet, having lived it, I realized today how many times I might have been those very same people around me. I would likely have been so absorbed in my own task or conversation that I missed the opportunity to be a blessing to someone else.

Did you see any needs?  A place to lend a hand even though one was not requested?

Roger would NEVER have let any of this happen. He would have seen the need. He would have opened doors, carried packages, opened mailboxes, carried mail to the car and made sure the person - any person - was safely in the car before he left them.   He would have driven the person home and walked back to his car if he felt it needful.

I would have done some of the same, but likely not all.  I don't think.
I do think so now though.

Roger's Lesson: Look around. There is always a need and what you have to do probably is not the most important thing in the whole day. It only takes seconds to lend a hand. 

Maybe that is why he went in and out so many times a day. Maybe each time he left the house for some random errand that he did one at a time (where I would have bundled them) - maybe he was also seeing the needs around him each and every time - and assisting.

God showed me today that there are ways that even the weakest of us - me right now- can make someone else's life a bit better by just lending a hand for the simplest of things.

Let someone in line in front of you. Hold a door, even if you have to lean on it. ...

Hopefully the next time I get "Freedom Privileges" - I will see the need and act on it.
As long as it is a safe way to help for me, at the moment. Baby steps right now.

I made it home safe and sound, but I bet I was more exhausted than I really needed to be.

I thought of so many friends who offer so much to help me, yet I continually say I can handle things right now. I want to stay independent. Yet - independent me could have really used a hand today.

Very interesting lesson.

Thank you, Lord, for being the example of a servant while you walked this earth. Thank you for giving us Roger, who exemplified servanthood all the time. Thank you for making me aware of what I can improve on.

Thank you too, that sometimes you let us learn lessons the hard way so that we can actually 'get it.'

Elephant

February 26, 2015
Evening

Somehow I survived it. The weather must be stabilizing. Either that or all of those little cells have self destructed so my body can truly rest. Whew!

Bubble wrap - that is all I could think of this morning. Pop Pop Pop - that exasperating, annoying, thing that makes you want to scream when someone is popping bubble wrap.   (Every time I wrapped art work for students for an art show - they would unwrap, display, and all pop the bubble wrap!  EEK --people, how do you get the art home safely? ---oh, oops Mrs T) ...oh, the memories.   My grandies do it too!

Yet, God blessed me with bubble wrap today. This should actually be no surprise.

For some reason when I took Chief for a walk to get the mail, I almost tripped going out the door.

He saved me, of course, because he always checks out my pathway before I walk it.  Kind of a God thing, I think - since he is not a service dog and was never trained to do this.

What could it be?  Perishable.  - that means - get to it fast!
Frozen - ah....wonderful for hot flashes!

God's timing is always perfect!

We took our walk, which was much more the walk today than the 'pull.'  He is learning quickly that I will stop and turn around if he pulls me.  Assertive Discipline - learned that long ago for kids - and it works for dogs too. Want a treat? Loose leash!

Chief was as anxious to get inside that styro carton as I was. Who was the mystery sender?  What was inside?

The first thing I saw was bubble wrap - and lots of it. And it was the really-big-bubble kind of bubble wrap too!

I had to stop and laugh. All of my pondering of bubble wrap today - between naps - and here on my doorstep was a box with the biggest bubbles ever!
 It was fun to dig inside. Foil with bubbles. Plastic filled with dry ice. Plastic containers filled with.....SOUP!  Amazing, frozen soup.   ELEPHANT CHICKEN SOUP.

Now, I don't know what an elephant chicken is, but I can hardly wait to find out!

Precious Punky!  Bosom Buddies!  You pray for me, you make me laugh, you have just the right Scripture message at just the right time and you are SOOOOOO used by God to bless so many people on this earth!  

And God knew, before you knew, and before I knew, that today - this very day, He needed for me to laugh about bubble wrap - and all of those self-imploding, popping cells, too!

Roger's Lesson:  You never know what God is doing, but if you just follow His leading, when He leads you - you'll be surprised at the blessing involved. 

I hope you were blessed as much today as I was, Punky!

Just think - I would have missed this blessing if I had given up, cried, pulled the covers over my head and just slept the entire day away!

Flare!

February 26. 2015

It is one of those days. The blustery wind is blowing in from the east - or maybe the west. And it is cold. And it is damp.

For those with creaky (aka arthritic) bones, that means owie!  Our bones tell us that there is a weather change before we can even see it!

Evidently there was a lot of really crazy wind around 3 AM.
I did not hear it. Sleep - I do that well.

Morning started off with my dental appointment. I love going to the dentist. Crazy, right? Who loves going to the dentist?  I have a GREAT dentist and I love to hear him tell me that I need to hurry on out because he does not make any money from me.

So, given that most of my support system for this old body is having a fit right now, I was eager to hear someone say - "you are in great shape."   I also love hearing people tell me that I look great and sound great. And they wonder if I am even sick. WOW - that thrills my soul!   At least what I feel on the inside does not always show on the outside.

Thanks 'old doc' for making my day!  Teeth and gums are GREAT!  Thanks Donna for being so gentle with the cleaning and for making me sparkle!

Oh - the little things that God gives me each day that really are such big things!

I have known Dr. Avriett for over 42 years. Roger introduced me to his dentist when we were engaged. Prior to that, I was like most Americans who hated going to the dentist. It was scary and it hurt.  Not with Dr. Avriett. Gentle soul.  He and Roger loved talking football. I used to wonder why it took Roger so long at the dentist...half a day, it seemed.  I finally learned that first they talked football then got around to the teeth.  And of course, Roger had to visit with everyone in the office.

There are some great things to be said for longevity!  New friends are great, but friends that you have had for almost a lifetime - even if you only see them twice a year - and can't talk too much -  well they are pretty special too. More special when you know that you will all have eternity for all of that catching up!

While my mouth is strong and sparkly, I still have another battle raging today. Oh. My. Goodness.  It is like bubble wrap popping inside my body. Mostly in my back, but all over!  Tumor Flare is back and it must be a real war - real defeat of c-cells that is going on today!

I am just taking this as announcement from God that today is a day for R and R....rest and relaxation.  If I just consume a lot of water so those dead cells get flushed on out, it is as if that Living Water is flowing through me and giving me new life.

When I think of the ways that God can heal - and He is indeed the Great Physician - I also think about the fact that he sort of expects me to help out a bit. And today, that means resting. Not just sleeping or doing nothing, but rather, resting in Him.

I guess it is a foreign concept to some - but it really is incredible the way He refreshes not only my body but also my soul as I read scripture and journals and even when I google around and try to understand more about what is happening in this old body.  It makes me appreciate wellness more than I ever have, and even makes me long for that perfect body I will have in Heaven.

But for today, it is quiet and reflection and thanking God that He is in control of this journey of mine. And for the long - or even the short of it, it is His story that needs to be told.

And Roger's Lesson:  He would be here cheering me on and telling me to rest, and cooking up something warm and yummy in the crock pot. And he would say ' God tells us all the time to BE STILL - it is the only real way to Know Him."  

Indeed.

Back or March?

February 22, 2015

Books. My friends. My overtakers.
As much as I love technology, I can't seem to get into the digital book thing. It must be a tactile disorder. I love the feel of the page.

One thing I have acquired lately is devotional books. LOTS of devotional books. So many devotional books that it will take me YEARS to get through them if I use them as directed - one page per day.  I guess this could be a good thing.

I'm trying to take them one at a time and read straight through. It is a lot to absorb though. I mean, how much can God speak to you in one day. How often does He get tired?  Ok, He never gets tired.

One book leads me to the next and somewhere in the literary chaos (ha ha!) I ran across a book that I read back in 1996 when I had that original tough battle with cancer. It was a non-Christian book, but I inserted Christian principles as I read along and it was quite fascinating and it actually has stuck with me through the years.

For some reason, today I looked back. This is something I don't often do, unless it is incredibly good memories. Sometimes things trigger a flashback and I will go there unless it leads to a woulda, shoulda, coulda kind of event. Those events - the things where you can't change the outcome. Done is done, for the good, or the bad of it.

The flashback took me to a doctor's office in 1996 - I had popped in right after a school meeting where we were preparing for classes to begin again. It was with a surgeon and he was going to talk to me about a certain lump. He had X-rays in his hand. Old school. The film that you could actually see in that light box on the wall.  And on that day I was introduced to a thing called cancer and what it looked like on film.  

They say you should never go to a doctor's office alone. I always thought that was silly.  I clearly still don't follow that advice because I did it again in January 2015.

I remember leaving the office that day wondering a few things.
*  Will I see my children grow up?
*  How do I tell my family?
*  What is this journey going to be like. Everyone I ever knew with cancer had died shortly thereafter.
*  How would I navigate this thing? Was my faith strong enough, was I brave enough?
*  Does my life count for anything and will anyone miss me, ever?

The randomness of our thoughts, right?

Yet, God, in all of His goodness led me, not directly home, but to the book store. It was probably Long's Bible and Book Store - today we call them Family Bible or Lifeway.   I can still see myself in the health aisle and just looking at books that I had never seen before.  And devotionals about health - lots of devotionals.   I don't remember what I bought, but I do remember this sense of peace that God had this thing under control and that I just needed to trust.

I knew it would be a tough one, but it is one of the few times in life where I do look back at things that were pretty awful because I can see such beauty that came of it.  Not beauty in the things that happened as much as beauty in the way He changed me.  I guess that is what 'refined in the fire' means.

Surely, during my life there have been hurts - both on my part toward others and on the part of others toward me - but I don't recall or dwell on them. Some are just not fixable. Most are not healthy to re-visit anyway. Most are forgotten by others at best.    

You get a lot of little 'morsels' - food for thought -  in these devotional books.  Most of them have short little messages....oh, so unlike my thoughts.  I often wish I could be concise!

My little doc visit from 1996 came to mind when I sat in that office in January 2015 though.  When my doctor used that word "Malignant"   - metastatic -  well, I knew what that meant.

But this time I was not fearful. I knew that for whatever reason he was telling me this, God already knew it and He already had a plan.  My questions were different this time as I sat quietly thinking - with the Doctor likely wondering why, when all alone, I was not dissolving in tears.

My questions were more like
*  What are you going to show me through this, Lord?
*  How will I tell my family - this affects them too.
*  Will you please help me to walk this walk with a focus on you so that others can see you through all of this and desire an eternity with you more than they desire anything on earth?
*  Will you allow me to know that those I love will be with you in eternity as well?

and of course that selfish question that is always in there -    Will you let me go to Europe with these precious kids, or will you at least firmly close the door so that I don't do something I am not supposed to do?  (The trip departure was in 42 hours after the diagnosis was revealed.)

Roger's Lesson:  Change is hard but sometimes change is good.  Becoming less stressed did not hurt you any at all. Keep enjoying the earthly journey, fight hard, but remember that eternity is pretty great! Keep looking forward! 

And I will. I will embrace this unexpected change in my life journey.
I will adapt. I will simplify. I will embrace sweet memories and turn my head away from anything that leads to emotional pain.    It saps my energy and gives satan an opening. I will not allow it.

As I have embraced this past year of loss - I have also learned that sweet memories are the ones I chose to record for my children and grandchildren.  They are the ones that brought great happiness even in the midst of tears.  They are the ones that made this earthly journey so sweet. They are the reason I call myself blessed.

I'm not sure where God is leading me this year, but I am determined that it will be sweet - encouraging - memorable in the best of ways.

I am believing that the things He showed me in the last year, and that He prompted me to record, are also the things that will continue to strengthen my faith and help me to say at the end of each day that no matter how little I think I did - that I did a lot if I spend time with Him.

I guess when it comes right down to it - spending time with Him is the most important thing and the thing that matters the most.

Earthly walk - I do love you.  And I hope to walk a lot longer  - well, with wheels or without  - but in faith for that is how you see the Hand of God in all of it.

Forward - March!

Lilies of the Field

He cares about the lilies of the field - or so the Bible tells me - so He cares about me so very much more.

How amazing is that!

And it is true - indeed - I know it is true.

The beautiful lilies - and the perfectly white roses that arrived the other day have been a perfect reminder to me all week. He cares. And it is not only God that cares, but the amazing friends and family in my life care too.

But more than that. They pray.

I don't know of a better way to share love to one another than to know that you will pray for them and they will pray for you. It is an open door to our Father, in Heaven. To the Creator of the entire universe. To the One who has known you from the very moment you became a being - or in modern terms, a little tiny blob.  He has known all about me - and you - from before the time that I breathed my first breath, cried my first tear, touched my first human person.  And not only that - He knows every little thing that will take place until I draw my last breath.

Yes, I know that not everyone believes this, but that is the wonderful thing about America. Everyone does not have to. I can believe it, because I have experienced it.  I can not comprehend how someone can possibly not care to experience this type of love and acceptance, but that is a choice, one that is not mine to make.

These beautiful flowers are on a lovely piece of furniture in the foyer of my home. I pass by them several times a day and each time I pass, I have stopped to admire their beauty.

Generally lilies have this overwhelmingly sweet fragrance, but these do not. They are beautiful without giving me that lily headache. And a week later - they are still beautiful!

And the roses - that delicate, sweet fragrance reminds me that God desires to hear from me and that it is like that same sweet fragrance of the roses. Pleasant, wonderful, enjoyable. And these roses are perfectly white. They have stayed perfectly white all week as they have slowly opened from beautifully shaped buds to fully open roses. There are no dark spots on them. This is rare with white flowers.

I just feel like it is reminding me each day of the perfection I can find in Christ. No errors, no ill will, no desire for anything but goodness. Truth, beauty, honesty, purity....all those really great qualities that we all wish we had and try to have, but we know that we lack perfection in them.

It is really nice to have things around me - little gifts like this - that not only bring beauty into my life but they remind me of special friends who sent them. They remind me of Jesus each time I see them. They remind me of the perfection I will only see in Heaven - in Eternity.

Roger's Lesson:  Love your flowers, but they are temporary. Let them remind you that this is a journey. It is temporary. It is far from perfect. It is practice.  Focus on the eternal. 

Yes - We have good, we have bad. We have happiness and sadness. But all of it together helps to make us the people that we are and the way we handle circumstances makes us bitter or better.

I won't be bitter. I just won't allow it of myself because that not only hurts me, but it hurts those I love.

It is a weird concept to think of pain and sadness making us better - but I do believe it does.

Wheels

February 20, 2015

Sometimes you just have to let go and give in.

Sometimes those around you, those who seem to be the ones who are a bit over-protective, those who want to help you stay independent but seem to offer up things that seem too medical ....ok, sometimes you just ought to listen.

I guess it makes me think back to being a young mother. You never want your child to be sick, or hurt, or struggle. Yet - you know that you appreciate health only after you have been sick. You know that you only know happiness and joy once you have experienced hurt or pain. You know that you only become stronger if you have had to struggle.   So many times these days I comment about how society seems to want to 'bubble wrap' the children so that they never have to experience these things. I am not sure that is so good.

I remember trying to teach the lesson after the girls were hurt or sad or struggling. I think that I was not the more compassionate type of mother - but the more teaching kind - and then thought.."oh my goodness, I need to be hugging right now"   Dad took care of all the sick and emergency calls - and he was good at it.   But somehow, our girls learned both practicality and compassion. They are a great balance in each other.

This is a really tough time in life. I guess that thinking last year was tough was only the practice run. Last year was all about emotion and memories and how to handle the constancy of tears and fighting them back - and moving forward.   This year is more physical.

It is more about wanting to be this totally independent person - when in reality, I need to give some of it up - at least for a while.

It is about having pain that I do not understand, and working hard not to show it, but feeling it all the same.

It is about trying to be really honest about how I feel when talking to our girls, and yet not allowing myself to give into pain so that it becomes me.

It is about not giving up.

It is about trusting God to give me strength and purpose with each new day.

It is about sometimes feeling like Heaven could be so close and so much better, but accepting that maybe that is not what God is asking me to focus on at the moment.

It is about often wondering the purpose of all of this physical pain when I have not fully recovered from the emotional pain. Yet - all the while trusting God because He not only knows the future, He knows the purpose.

These past three weeks have been interesting. The appointed time, every day, for three weeks, has been 10:45 - for radiology. Nuke me.
I could not have asked for a better doctor nor better technicians. What blessings, what gifts from God.  They have been encouraging and inspiring and have challenged me to keep up the good fight.

They have constantly told me to relax and let them do their job and that my job is to stay safe and not break anything and to rest.  Most people would BEG to have three weeks to rest, right?  Why do I have to fight it so much?   "You can rest because your body needs it, or your body will crash so it can rest. It is your choice."     Perhaps not welcome, but still very wise advice.

Roger's Advice:  Your reports have been great this week, so you have nothing to complain about. Try listening to the children. You trained them to be trustworthy. 

I can hear him saying this to me.  And yes, I gave in. I said ok to the chair. And they were happy for me to have a lovely red one - fire engine red. And it matches my hiking stick and my glasses.

Because, after all, if you have to have DME (Durable Medical Equipment) you just might as well be fashionable.

It makes me think about how God taught us to train up our children - to invest in them - and to teach them good judgement and then to trust that they use good judgement.  Maybe I never thought about doing that so it would come back to help and to bless me - but I guess that is what He was teaching us as parents.  I could not have asked for better children to be entrusted to my care - our care.

Whatever the future holds, I have a pretty blessed life.
The pain? Oh, it is for a season.
The sadness? Well, the sun will still shine - and I can embrace it or close the shades.
The future?    I will enjoy my bright red chair for as long as I must. I will do what I can to feel as close to normal as possible, whenever I can.

And I will hope that my "get up and go" comes back sooner than later - with all the hopes that it will because prayer means something and a whole lot of people are spending a whole lot of time asking God to help me through this season.

So give me those shiny red wheels - and let's get this girl moving.
God has a bright future out there - and it is time for more adventures!