Memorials

May 25, 2015

It is Memorial Day.  I did something today that I have not done in a while.

I turned on the History Channel and tuned into the War with Germany .... better known as WWII.

It took the better part of the day, but I hung in there for most of the battles, and especially the end.

Roger would have been tuned in - not like he did not have that war memorized beginning to end.
It brought such a range of emotions. Thankfulness for those men, mostly really young men,  who left homes, farms, cities, from across the nation to answer the call to serve.  The enemy was really big.

Roger's dad fought in  Europe.  My dad fought in the Pacific. We both have many relatives who did the same.  His Aunt was a nurse and had her ship blown out from under her. I watched the U-boats and wolf-packs this afternoon.  There is no way we can come close to imagining life as it was in that time period.    Daddy would say that he went because it was important to keep evil 'on the other side of the pond' - meaning that he did not want to see it in his homeland, so he would go and fight over there.

Roger's fascination with that war stemmed from the people who he cared about who were in it. While scanning things this week, I found a letter his dad sent to his mother from Germany. And the telegram that said simply "civilian again, meet me at......terminal"  

Treasures.   Yet neither of our fathers talked enough about that war that we have any real idea of where they were or what they were doing much less what they were feeling or the horror they saw.  They would say that it was too much to talk about.  (From the images on tv today, I would have to agree - they interviewed some Vets - wow - there are few left from WWII)

Roger also saw the bigger picture. He saw the immense evil - flesh and blood, yes, but lead by the powers of darkness in this world.   All wars - all criminal activity is that, after all. Roger could point to the spiritual darkness in high places throughout history, and even in the history we are living. He was pretty insightful.

Another interesting point I discerned today was creativity. Need drove men to be creative and inventive and to come up with new ideas in order to have the equipment needed to get the job done. In and out. It did not even take a decade.

Wow, life is so fast paced today, yet so much is so slow - so much red tape - war / conflicts take so long.   And young men, and women, still serve, because they feel that call to keep us free.  There is no draft these days, so I think that those who choose to serve have much bigger hearts than at any time in history. Because they don't HAVE to do it.

I also spent time today thinking about lives lost. I re-lived D-Day (on TV) - and the open targets.  Having walked those beach-heads gave me a new appreciation for what I was watching today.  Learning more about the plan as an adult, gave me more insight and appreciation that when I was studying it for a grade.  Good reason to travel to places that mean something to you!

I always wanted to do that tour with Roger. It is one thing I wish I had pushed for instead of agreeing to wait until he retired.

It's been well over a year, and there are still things that I have not packed away. I've been working on that this week. I've had this weird need to scan practically everything he ever touched and everything that was written to us about him.  I have a new appreciation for cards.  In Feb 2104 when the cards started rolling in, I read each one, cried often, laughed, thanked God for each person in his life. And I put them in a basket. I've seen that basket of cards almost every day for over a year.

Today I read each one again as I scanned the messages. They made me thankful. They made me think of each writer and Roger's connection with them. It also made me think that those same cards could have been written only yesterday, and might have said the exact same thing. Because lives intertwined in some unusual, sometimes miraculous, way.

Roger did not live a long life by today's standards. 85-90 is not all that unusual today. I read of someone celebrating 116 this past week.Yikes!  No, 71 was still way too young in our minds. It makes no difference that his dad was 70 and his mother was 90. Roger never seemed more than 60!   (Young wife, he always claimed!)

But he did live a full life and an happy and eventful life.  And those messages reflected that over and over - and it made me very, very thankful to read them.

I'm not the world's greatest at getting cards out in a timely manner, but I do know this....telling a story about how you interacted with the person who recently passed, is a most remarkable gift to leave for the family.  Those stories never get old. Those cards stay around, or get scanned, and in my case, I am hoping they make it into a photo book of Roger's remarkable life.

Roger's Lesson:  It is not the things you do, it is the people you meet. Meet as many as you can, be sure that they know that Heaven is a option for their eternal home, and you'll have a great time for eternity for there will be a whole lot of people up there that you know! 

Not a bad plan at all, Roger!

And I am pretty sure he will meet a lot of Civil War and WWII folks up there that he has read a lot about - for he found them to be the most interesting conflicts of earthly history for his personal life story.

For all who served, lived, and died for the freedoms we still enjoy today, I am thankful.
And it is something we must never take for granted.

I also hung a new flag today. I removed the one that I hung for Roger a year ago. It has weathered the storms of life and I will not have a tattered flag flying. It will be properly retired. The new one would make Roger proud. It is for Matthew.  He does not HAVE to serve. But he is.  And I pray for him and his safety every single day. I pray that God places a hedge of protection around him and he stands in the gap for us. All of us. Even the ones who don't care about what it takes to be free.

Memorial Day. Memories of those who died for our freedoms.
Memorial Day. Prayers for those who serve and who need God's strength and strong faith in order to do it.

Dry Bones - and Fluid ?

May 24, 2015

You would definitely have to know what you are looking at to know what this image is. Hint. A bone. I got that much from anatomy class - or maybe from drawing skeletons for art classes.

Beyond that, it is going to have to take a pretty well trained eye to see where the fracture is and if it is healed.  Grey, white, black ....I know they all mean something on these many x-ray films in my packet, but I don't know what!

And spots...they should be looking for spots, or hopefully, healed over spots that they called lesions in Janary.  The bone cancer.

Oh how I appreciate the prayers that have gone into this healing. Prayers not only for the treatments to be effective in healing these cancerous lesions on my bones but also for me to re-focus on the things that are really important in life.

I always think I have a grip on that, but oh how easily I slip back into that world of organizing and projects and picking up and going and doing....instead of being still and listening....hearing.

The other battle is the fluid. That is the scary one for me for the most ridiculous of reasons. I have actually been able to feel the drying effect as my body has begun restoring my lymphatic system to its normal, not quite normal state. The overload of fluid that my body was producing (toxins, dead cells being cast off, etc) seems to have been normalized enough to not be pushing it into the pleural cavity.

Imagine - prior to January, I'm not sure I even knew what a pleural cavity was! I knew pleurisy from reading it in a novel once upon a time, but that was my limit!  Now my little catheter tubes have almost become a part of me.

One thing these little tubes have done is make me go back and remember those days when I had little fingers and toes growing inside of me - and at times prying my ribs apart. Moms know the feeling, right? You could eventually move those little digits around, but not these tubes!  So, breathing deeply hurts, but there are worse hurts in the world.

For some reason I have been so very apprehensive about this upcoming surgery, even though it is outpatient. I have not turned on the news or had any celebrity disasters entering my airwaves, but still...I know it is a control thing. I just know it. I do not like and never have liked the idea of being 'put under' and trusting my life to someone I don't even know.

I know that in the morning I will quiz everyone I meet about their OCD levels. I will hopefully encourage and inspire them and thank them for coming to work prepared and alert. I will have my girls at my side for as long as I am allowed. But then...they will wheel me away.

I am praying that my body has not created an abundance of scar tissue during these months, and that the surgeon will be super gentle while pulling those things out of this aging body. I am praying for a wee tiny hole on each side, near my lungs, but not touching them.  

I am also praying that as they do tests, that if anything new has arisen, even though we are praying against it, that it will be revealed in an early stage.

And I am praying that I will be calm and peaceful, which I really try to be, because ultimately, my life is in God's hands, and the surgeon's should be also.....so I am definitely praying for that! (And the anesthesiologist!)

So why so antsy still? I don't know! The girls told me tonight that I was not like this in January. Reflecting back, with double malignancies on my record, I suppose I had gathered that it was only a matter of time til I departed, so now was as good and later. (January)
Today, I feel a lot better and really do desire to hang in here until the Rapture, so maybe that is my hangup.  Oh. My. Goodness.   Crazy Lady!

And it is always that control thing.  Focus! God numbers your days. Man might be involved at times, but ultimately, God's got the plan!

Roger's Lesson:  These people who are taking care of you are as passionate about what they do as you ever were about teaching art or creating stage sets or travel. Ask God to lead them and then leave them alone. 
I know what he would be telling me! - "So let them do what they know to do and you just use your energies resting in the Lord.  Sleep lightly and wake up quickly, unlike your typical style of sleep."

As I am proofing and finishing up this entry, I find myself laughing at how ridiculous it is that I have let myself get rather distressed about this whole thing.  I  know without a doubt that God allowed me these three extra weeks for side #2 to dry up so that I could get good and ready to have these tubes OUT.

All the while, I am really thankful for the wisdom of my kiddos, who suggested that I might not want to get one tube out and then go back for a second surgery only two to three weeks later.   They might have been saving themselves the stress - but I know they saved it for me. Wise decision to wait.

Now, I must let my mind rest so I am ready for a great big, beautiful tomorrow!  God has something wonderful for us each and every day - so Tuesday Morning - I'll be waiting for you at 6:30 .....

Let's do this!
And 7 am - 9 am on Tuesday, May 26....I'm still happy to accept all prayers being offered for the old gal - for clean and precise removal and a quick wake up - with no drama.

God's got a lot going on this side of Heaven, and I really would like to be in on it!

Blessings!

Report Time

May 17, 2015

If you are from my generation and lived in Orlando, you probably have seen these!  In my quest to win over the paper war, I have been scanning stuff. All kinds of stuff.

Nani (Roger's mom) saved a lot of paper. I just filed it when it came my way. He would have tossed it.  Ha! It makes me pretty happy today that Roger had me. I discovered some mighty interesting things about my man when reading through these things.

I discovered that as a child in school, he was not a lot unlike me. Or, since he was so much older, I was not a lot unlike him! Different ways, but oh so similar.

"Roger needs to stay focused on his work and stop visiting"  (Mine said things like - "Judy needs to stop daydreaming and do her work")

Yet, his 2nd grade teacher called him a lonely child. And several commented that he needed to do better in math and practice his handwriting.  (I am all with them on the handwriting part - he always printed, never did conquer cursive!)

What struck me though, was that here - decades later, still on the paper in proper cursive with fountain pen ink - are words that could have set the destiny for a young child. Some of the comments were pretty harsh - I might have stated them in a personal conference, but not in writing.

Somewhere along the line, I read my grade school comments and determined that as a teacher I would do my best to only put positive things in writing - and that if something hard to hear had to be said, it would be prefaced with something positive.

It also struck me that Roger did not give into what might have been written about him - and quite possibly his mother never showed it to him, but quite possibly both parents told him to grow into the man he was meant to be come. They believed in him. They only had one child, so they had the energy for him, for sure.

As our girls were growing up, I would stress more over 'wasted time' and lower grades than Roger ever did. We had polar opposites. Social butterfly. Studious one. Both perfect, of course, in our eyes!   Roger would just laugh and say it would all work out and they would become who God intended for them to be, that other things were more important measures of a child than just grades.  He was right.

I wonder though, how many people take a course in life that was determined by something that was said or written about their abilities. It breaks my heart to watch kids, after they graduate, go into this struggle to find themselves, because they never seemed to gain confidence in something while in high school. Sometimes the struggle takes years. Sometimes, they give it up and just settle.

Above most other things I ever did, I hope that I encouraged.

Roger's Lesson:  The only written word you ought to take to heart is what is written in the Bible. It is the best life manual you could ever have, and leads you to the right answers. Don't settle for what man tells you - not bad, and not good either.  Don't base your whole life on accolades from a long time ago. Do what you do for a higher purpose and you will always be happy. It is just one of those decisions you need to make in life. 

Clearly Roger did not settle for what was written on his report cards. He was one of the most intelligent and interesting people I have ever met in my life. He knew more about history and politics than any professor I ever had. He knew the Space Center inside and out, or so we have been told. He studied things like building plans in case there was ever a need to know - which there was, and he knew.  He was an amazing leader and mentor to many (we were told that as well) - yet to us, he was dad, and good ole Rog.  He laughed a lot and enjoyed life to the fullest and always believed that happiness was a personal decision and not based on what was going on around you. And he believed in others and what they had the ability to achieve.


And as for me and  "Judy needs to stop daydreaming...."  That comment used to annoy me.
Until Friday.  TMA folks know what I mean.
Dreaming and having a vision for something wonderful turned into a surprise that never was on my radar. And the really neat thing is that the vision was for people I possibly would never even know.
And that is how you know God put those dreams in your heart and mind - because it isn't for you.

Dream, people...ask God to give you a vision....become more than what a report says that you are. Keep growing, keep believing, and when you write about someone, look for the positive.
But always remember that God is bigger than any report. Any report, negative or positive!
Every day is a new one, so do something important with it!

Caught Speechless

May 15, 2015

It started out like an ordinary day. It was "the day after."  After Zometa.  That typically meant a fair amount of pain and the desire, if not need, to stay curled up on the couch all day.

I did rest yesterday, but it did not help as much as I had hoped.  I got up today, but went back to bed.  The alarm reminded me that I had an appointment. A lunch meeting. I had agreed a week ago, because it fit Mitch's schedule - super busy that he is these days. It was important. About travel.

But this morning, travel did not seem all that important to me. Thank goodness Karin suggested a little trip to the Farmer's Market. I got up for her - so she could get coffee.  But seriously - I could have easily remained in bed.

Roger's Lesson:  Get upright. Most of the time if you just get up and moving, you will feel better than you did when you thought that rest was what you needed. Wrong. It is what you desired.  Get around people and you will feel better - and surprising things will happen during  your day. 

Yes, I did sort of hear his voice in my ear this morning. Thankfully, I listened. And acted.

Market. Check √.  Shower and dress. Check √.  In the car and moving forward. Check √
oh...meds taken - and vitamins - Check √.  TMA / Lunch. Check √

Lunch was nice. Travel plans resolved. We dodged the rain and I was asked to wait while he parked the car. Sure, I can always find someone to chat with - even though I really wanted to find a couch.  
"Come - I want to show you something in the gym" - ok, I strolled over, thinking that since I was halfway there I could go visit Rachel. I missed her on the last trip to TMA.

New stuff in the gym - nice -  the TMA gym always looks grand. One of the best gyms in town, if not the best, in my personal opinion.  I love the way God provided the money for that gym. Best part of the gym story!

"Here - sit here for a minute" -- all of a sudden something seemed odd. I was planning to go home after lunch and Mitch was trying to get me to stay.  Odd. Indeed.  Different people stopped by to chat, so I did not think about it too much at the moment - but now, I can see that 'plan.'  

It is so interesting the way you can see things in hind-sight even when they were right in front of your face in the moment. I have been absorbed lately in really appreciating that I have been able to see God's hand in things sort of 'in the moment' as some big decisions were being made. I had forgotten about hind-sight. I surely missed the 'in the moment' part today!

And I was not very focused, when perhaps I should have been.

Oh no - awards ceremony was about to begin. How was I going to get out and not be distracting. This is the kids day -  well, I have known some of the kids since they were little bitty, so it would be fine to stay - except that I was getting very tired.

And then it began....I heard the welcome and then words like "founder' and "25 years" and then art teacher. What?
I actually enjoy listening to Dr. Harris tell Fine Arts stories. He makes them sound so funny.  Things that I thought were so serious at the time....he makes me laugh about them. Laughter is good.
Interesting start to a high school awards event....perhaps he is going to mention the new building and tell when the groundbreaking will be.

Yea! I can't wait for that day. I heard about it when I was just out of the hospital and I have to admit that the idea of seeing dirt turned over for a Fine Art building had me so excited that I just knew it would be one of those things that would keep me pushing so I would live to see it.   And hopefully experience it. I even asked if I could please be invited on that day! (That is a whole other story called 'death of a dream'....and for another day. )

But no....he was not talking about dirt.
It is not often that I am totally clueless about things that are happening either - but boy, I missed a lot this time!
It is not often that I am left speechless, but Dr. Harris got me today.

This is the most amazing thing and nothing I would have ever considered happening.  This never crossed my radar, for sure!

This new building - this is about the kids  - and the many parents and friends who support those kids in their efforts to develop the talents God placed within them.

The seniors will graduate and those who follow will get to enjoy this new building. Those who went before - dreamed, and graduated, and many who even have children at TMA today - those are the ones who created the need for a building.

And the teachers who train up these young talents - art, music, drama - have huge jobs, but huge rewards, for they will get to see the young talent bloom and grow.

For the evening, I got to enjoy the TMA production of "Cinderella" - the original version.  It is so sweet to enjoy those shows with my family, children and grandchildren. Live anything always beats video! I am thankful they enjoy live theatre as much as I do.

Another blessing was getting to enjoy dinner and the show with 'other family' - TMA family. When you work together and grow together - you get to say family.  And a blessing for another reason...when you get to help discover talent...and then get to watch that talent grow....well, that is a pretty big blessing.  And it was special, Tiffany, to see you coming full circle -TMA grad, Rollins grad, and back to TMA to assist the next generation.  True generosity!

I still have not absorbed the happenings of this day.  I feel so humbled and it feels totally weird to have my name on anything, much less a theatre. But I also feel so blessed. I feel so blessed by the many lives - kids and adults - that I have met through this place where God chose to plant me.  I am so thankful that it was the right place for educating our own children, for I would not have been there otherwise - for their needs came first.  I am thankful for the many friends they made there and the way they grew.  I am thankful that Roger was supportive and involved for so many years, because he believed in this crazy idea of starting a school.  I am thankful for a man (Pat) who took a chance with a crazy teacher and just said - "go do it' "Make it happen" - without hovering!  Talk about trust.

TMA has grown in almost 30 years, much like the students have. God has blessed and I have no doubt that as long as He remains most important in a student's education, that TMA will continue to be blessed. My prayer for the teachers, students and leadership is that they always strive to prepare the whole student, and to do it with God's leading. Always.  God has plenty of blessings to go around.

And I guess that  my message in all of this is to have a vision.  Try to see something that others do not see. Push kids to go beyond what they think is possible. Teach them to work like a professional even though they have not achieved that status yet. Invest in people who have a passion and are willing to let God lead.

And most of all - trust God.  He may not do things in our timing, but He does things when HIS timing is perfect.

And as soon as all of the red tape is resolved....TMA is going to have a groundbreaking.
And I hope they tell me in plenty of time, because there are a whole lot of TMA fine arts alumni out there who need to be there!

And I hope they have a whole lot of shovels.

And as much as I am so humbled about the Theater - I am ever more excited for the students and families who will enjoy this great new adventure at TMA!

(Check out the building plans at www.MastersAcademy.org)

You never know what God is going to bring your way in the course of a day.

Even a very tired day!

The Big Z

May 14, 2015

It is the fourth time around. Maybe I will weather the storm a little better this time. It is that flu like pain - good pain, they call it. Does anyone like 'flu-like' pain?  I think not.

But this time I have a different perspective. Kristin has been fighting off "the bug." At least I am not fighting bugs. At least this passes in a day or two. The hack -cough that she has just lingers until it feels like moving on.  She does not act like it, nor slow down, but she has to be exhausted.

So why should I complain?   I'm not, this time.  This is a mind game, so they say.  Mind over matter. Mind over Zometa.

Let Aleve be your friend.

I commented to Karin that the bag of clear stuff that looks like water is so interesting. I mean, what is it exactly that allows something that looks as innocent as water to make your bones grow.   It seems like it should be a color or something.

I don't know how it works, but I know that I am very thankful for those people who have scientific minds and just have to try to figure things out. I am thankful that they figured out a way to take the same stuff that makes a kid's bones grow strong and put it in a bag to help an old lady like me.

No more aquifer bones for me....well, soon, I hope.  I'm not even halfway there, yet I have made it much farther along than I expected in January.  Thank you.....Lord....and prayer warriors.

Typically I would go home and curl up on the couch, and wait out the next 48 hours, pain and all.

This time. I'm taking a different route. There is living to do. I will rest also, but not all the time. There are more important things happening, so I can't bear to shut the world out.

Roger's Lesson:  Balance. Be sure to rest and let the meds work, but keep on living. For as long as your feet are on this earth, there are people to see and living to do.

So, I rest up after the drip, then have a quiet evening, for I have a very busy Friday. The calendar just fell that way, and with all that is within me, I am going to try to participate in the things I love, with people I love.

Ah, Zometa. I love you too! I love what you do to strengthen me. I love that my body has so far rejected many of your side effects. I even love that you keep bringing me fatigue to help me remember that balance is a good thing and rest is needful at times.

Zometa. Is that yet another way of saying Great Physician?
One of the many ways He works in my life.
Ever present.

Anniversary

May 12, 2015

My alarm just woke me to say that it is 10 minutes until May 12.  For some reason, I spent Monday sorting through things that I had pulled out a month ago and never put away again.

The things Roger put on his uniform every day, badges, pins, ID, Accountability Card.  His comb. His little tiny glasses.

And the Fire Dept tie (clip on, of course) that he never ever wore.

I scanned some more papers. International Drivers' License. Ten of them. Ten trips to support shuttle missions overseas - ten, at least.  A lot of passports. All his. He used them up and had to renew them.

I ran across more photos. I love this one because Roger RARELY wore a coat - but we picked this one out together and when he wore one, this was it most of the time....for 40 years or so. He said that he did better than the Israelites wandering around the desert.  Of course, I cropped Newt G and his wife out of the photo.

Ah....And then came the newspaper clippings-obituary-  and the pencil rubbing from the last Firefighter Memorial. The notes from the grandchildren. Valentine cards to each other.

It seems so surreal. Still.
Life. All in a box.

My phone dinged at 5:30 tonight. Roger. Eternity.  It does that every Monday.  I can't make myself change it. Maybe I just don't want to forget. And also, maybe it is a really good reminder of how very near eternity really is.

I'll go back to sleep in a bit, but I'll be thinking of Roger throughout this new day. I'll think about how I met him 'in the Sears Catalog" and how when a co-worker told me that I should go out with him, that I said he was SO OLD!  Ah...well, he was when I was only 20!

But really, old, he never was. He always said I kept  him young, and that might be so, but in many ways I had a hard time keeping up with him.  I could blame it on his long legs, but he was always moving faster than me.

Today I will be wishing that I had been more demanding about making him slow down and smell the roses. I will be wishing that he had stayed a little longer.  I'll be wishing that I had not stayed busy with other things and had slowed myself down a bit and done those crazy things that never seemed like 'me.' Things like the two of us pushing the cart around the grocery store on an almost daily basis.  

I always resisted, because I always thought there would be time for that when he was 90 and I was 80.   I never, ever expected that he would not make it to even close to 80.

But, reality will set in also, and I will recognize that Roger would not leave the joys of Heaven even if he could. Since his departure, other friends have passed on. Some days, it seems to be a cycle.
Some days, I feel like God is just calling His children home because something big is about to take place down here.  If that is the case, then I want everyone I know to be ready for eternity. To experience a joy greater than any we have on earth.  That is what Roger would want as well.

Anniversary. A day to remember.  I'm glad that I started writing over a year ago. It has been a help to me. It has been good to record memories for my children and grandchildren. It has also been wonderful to recognize that none of us will be here forever. This is practice.  This wedding day that we experienced 42 years ago, and the life we lived together, was practice. It was practice for a perfect life in eternity.

I like to remember the ups of our life together, and not the downs. But I have come to realize that the downs made us stronger and increased our faith, both in God and in each other. The downs led us to the next up.  We did the richer and poorer, and the sickness and health - although it was mostly me who did the really tough sick part, which might have been better for him. (I wonder what kind of nurse I would have been had it been the other way around)   The til death do us part....well, we did that too, not that I was fond of that part so much. We had a fun life together, figuring each other out, being total opposites in so many ways, accepting each other without trying to mold the other into a whole new person.  And yet we were different people at the end of it than we were when we started. Aren't we all?  Hopefully we were better. More loving, more forgiving, more encouraging.

Does it get better over a year later? Not really. It gets manageable. Life can still be joyful and life can still have meaning. Does it mean that the 'new normal' will ever feel 'normal?'   I kind of think not.  Maybe I will have a better reading on that in a decade.

Interesting that Woodlawn called today. They wanted his marker to be installed. Plastic sign - still - over a year later.  Veteran's Admin holdup. Go figure.   Roger would laugh. He would tell me that he is not there so don't let it bother me.  He would find humor in the fact that the VA is so slow.  He would say that they know he was a conservative Republican.  He does not even have a vase for me to put flowers in, and they dug up his tree.  "The sun will keep my muscles warm" he would laugh and say.  Good grief. I can still hear his voice in my head all the time. And mostly, he makes me laugh!

Roger's Lesson: Don't get hung up on that stuff. Keep living and don't hang out at the cemetery. You can't help those who have gone on. Invest in those who are still here. Keep telling them about the joy they can experience in eternity, but that they have to decide now.  Don't give up. 

Yes, it is also interesting that I found a paper today called "Happenings In Heaven"
I had never seen it before, and I thought I had been through all of Roger's stuff.
Interesting that I saw it today - I'll read it sometime during this anniversary day.  I'll skip to the part about the Marriage of The Lamb.  

And I know that it will remind me of the great times we had together on this earth, and that the good times were only a teeny tiny taste of the life to come.  And I will think on those wonderful things of earth that we experienced together - and I will thank God that for whatever crazy reason He allowed me to end up in the Sears Catalog department in 1972, I recognize that He directed it all - just has He has done every day since.  And that he allowed Roger to survive an awful car accident in March of 72 and be on medical leave, picking up his dad from ...yes, Sears, and hanging out in the Catalog Department until clock out time...... only God could have arranged that.

It is too bad the Sears Catalog has gone the way of the dinosaur.  But I am so glad that my man found his bride at the Catalog desk!  Thank you, Lord!

And as Roger would say...... Un-Buh-leave-a-bull !!!!    

The whole story? 
....ah, look back in the archives to May 12, 2014 - the photos and stories can be found there! 

Happy Birthday

May 5, 2015

I love morning email messages that tell me that something is coming in the mail.

In this case, about 35 photo albums.

I spent the better part of April re-reading journals and going through 15, 000 (+) photos in order to create a photo album for the kids (well - their parents) who went to Europe's Mediterranean Coast in January.

The theme - interestingly - The Journey.

And talk about surprises. I still sit here in May - going into 4 months from that 'diagnosis'  of "Malignant" - and thinking about the journey.  In January, I was headed to Europe - Italy, Monaco, France, Spain - and yet, while the kids were away, I spent the time in the hospital. (Thankfully, not a European one!)

Thankfully, I trusted God to open and close doors, which I always try to do. Of course, I was praying for the group - not praying about me. But God knew. He always does.

God knew what we all needed before we knew. His presence has been evident every step of the way these past four months.

We are praying that I will respond well to treatments, and the doctors are very pleased that I am.  I know that is not me, that is prayer.

In these journals, I read student recollections of endurance, perseverance, and the fact that this journey called life is their personal journey, and not one that someone can do for them.  Did they 'get it?'  Only time will tell.  I like writing things down because it makes it so much easier to recall your experiences and your thoughts.  No one can mess with your head if you write things down.

I know that the process of journaling (blogging) has helped me through this journey called 'grief' this past year.  I can tell a difference when days go by and I have not expressed my thoughts in written word.  I know that much of this journey is a process and that each journey is different, and yet much the same.

I love watching the lives of these young people that God allowed to cross my path - for whatever the reason and no matter how long or short the time.  I love watching the people they grow to be and the way they choose to live their lives.  I love being able to pray that they find their way, even when they may not know that I am even aware or praying.

We did not have 'social media' when I was a teen. Their lives are so much on display that in many ways it is scary. Yet, I have to believe that in many ways, this new media of ours is something that can be used for so much good if we will allow it.   And I allow it to be my little portal for prayer.   I allow God to let some random name pop up every now and then so that I have no need to 'stalk' - I don't like that terminology and I don't do it ' but when someone randomly comes up, it is like my little message from God that they need something and I can pray about it.

This week, one is taking parents to Europe - I think that is so exciting and I am praying that she makes it the most amazing trip of their lives. They are blessed and she will teach them a lot. It is good as we get older, to let our children lead. It is one way that we know we can trust them to make good decisions on our behalf when we reach the point of needing their assistance.

Another just got married. I am praying that he leads that new bride beautifully as the spiritual leader of his new home.

Babies are being born and families expanding. And I pray for health and joy as they lead these little ones to know God at an early age.

But at the other end of the spectrum, there are friends who are ill, or losing parents, or struggling with losing the independence they cherish, and specific prayers are there for them as well.

Does it make any difference?  I have to believe that it does. I know it does in my life.

I know that it is a lot better to spend my days praying for others and ways for them to draw closer to God than it is to just sit in the house all day and wish myself well, or grumble about all that I can not do right now.

Roger's Lesson:  As long as you are living and breathing, find a way to do something for other people. You'll enjoy life more every day.  And every 365 of them, you're another year closer to eternity! 

I would say so!

And more than that, only four months ago, I was not entirely sure - actually not sure at all that I would see another birthday - or at the very least, not be very well when one rolled around.

But today - I would kick up my heels - if it were not for that weight-bearing issue on a fractured hip.  But in my mind, I will be kicking up my heels - and I will be rejoicing that I am indeed another year older. And it does not bother  me one single bit.

I can still say, that when the doctors did not give me hope of seeing 46 - well, for goodness sakes - sixty something looks pretty great!

Happy birthday to me - Around 23, 010 days, and counting.

Of course, only God knows the true number of the days - and that there will be so many more in eternity!

Granite

Granite Rubbing - Fallen Firefighter Memorial - Tallahassee FL

May 4, 2015

Jim went to Tallahassee this weekend with the Police Department and Town Staff. I know it was a hard trip, even with the luxury of taking a charter bus and not having to face the drive.
The Police Officer Memorial Service was today and more names were added.  I learned today that E.O.W. means End of Watch.

Why don't we all consider that our Police Officers are standing watch over us, while we are safely doing whatever it is that we do.

First Repsonders - mostly not thought about on a day to day basis - unless you are afraid you'll get a ticket because you have a lead foot, perhaps. But they are there if you need them - and even if you don't.  We should all be praying for God to place a hedge of protection around them on every single shift.

In March, our family was invited to go to Tallahassee for a different reason.  The trip was just too long and I was not strong enough at that point to ride for so long, so we passed. I hope we can attend the Fallen Firefighter Memorial service in 2016.  Actually, I hope that there are no names to add to that memorial in 2016, but statistically speaking, it is not likely.  When I think of the services they hold for firefighters, I hear bagpipes. I guess I always will.

It was really special that Jim took a few of the parchments they had prepared for the police officers and did some rubbings for each of us.  It is always hard seeing Roger's name etched in granite. There is something so final about it. A lot of days - probably most days - I go through the day as if he were just at work. I wonder how long it will be that way.  Then something happens and I realize, 'oh - he is not coming home. He is home.' - and then I really long for home. That eternal one.

Today had to be such a hard day for each of the town officers and staff. It was really hard losing one of our precious police officers and particularly because it was so senseless and so sudden. All he ever wanted to do was help people. He would have helped those teens had they even given him a chance to speak.  Instead - they shot him and then left him there and hid, and took their own lives. So senseless. Robbie determined his eternal destiny before he left us. The teens? We will never know.  

You always hear things like "God called him home." - it does not seem that way in this case - and in many cases like this. It just sounds so odd to state it that way. There were six officers from Florida who were honored in Tallahassee - for giving their lives to protect the general population - just in one year. Senseless.  

I reflected on this throughout the day.  A year later it is still hard for me to make sense of it.  Truly, God knew the number of Robbie's days. God knew the chain of events that were to take place.  I want so desperately to know why He did not intervene in those wee morning hours, yet, His ways are far beyond our understanding. All I am left with is the need to continue to pray, not for Robbie, for he is safe - but for those who were so close to him. His family, his friends, his officer partner, his Chief. Some I know, some not, but every one of them still must have those same hard days that I have when I miss Roger so much. Only - I think theirs must be harder, for Robbie's life on earth was short where Roger lived a really great 71 years.  Robbie's death was senseless, where Roger's was a surprise and a shock, and certainly most unexpected - but it was easier to see that God had allowed him three score and ten - and then some - and to just accept it.

I guess we all hang on to that idea of three score and ten - I love the way the KJV puts it - that version of the Bible is so poetic!   (Does anyone know what a score is anymore?)  As much as we hate the loss, it is a little easier to understand. There are seasons for all things, King Solomon told us - a time to live and a time to die.  As I look at another birthday, it is easy to say - oh, I'm still far from 70, I have plenty of time to do the stuff I want to do. But, do I?

We live in a super crazy world. People make personal decisions based on self. They don't value life like perhaps it once was valued. Why would you kill someone who was there to serve and protect? Yet that disregard for any authority, just bothers me - and it has such a tragic end. Young or old, when people disregard life, the end is tragic.

Today I am thinking about youth. I  have thought about young people both in and out of high school, who might be troubled, but don't know where to look for answers. They try to solve their problems  alone - or with others who have no more idea about where to find the real answers than they do.  Or they head on off to college without ever establishing what they believe about life and eternity - and why. So many never establish a relationship with a living Savior while they are young. And then they get so confused by the 'wisdom of this world' - which is not really wisdom at all, but only talking.

I remember being in high school. I remember those nuclear bomb drills. I remember reading in the Bible that we just need to 'eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die' - it seemed to make sense with all of those missiles in Cuba, and us in Florida.  Just go to the beach and party. It does not matter. We will die anyway. Might as well live it up. (Ha! and our version of
'living it up' was so mild compared to anything today!)   And yet, that message was so out of context, though I did not realize it until so many years later.

Today I am particularly thankful for those people that God placed in my life - those 'old people' who over the years have still served as mentors. I know they have prayed for me over the years and I know many are still praying for my health right now. I know that I would be a really truly messed up person today if I had followed that messed up message that was bombarding my mind back in those 'Cuban Missile Crisis days.  I know that is where I gained my love for teenagers and that desire to be one of those 'old people' who make it a mission to help pray them through those searching years.

Somewhere in my searching, God led people to me and led me to where He was. And I am thankful that for the most part, I have stayed there - and with ups and downs, good times and sad times, I have been so blessed.

Right now, in the midst of this battle that I face each day, it does not seem so bad when I think about people who are truly following a very messed up path.  God is still blessing me, in great part due to the specific prayers of so many people that God has blessed me to know over the years - and their friends too! So many, I do not even know! I make it my choice to be positive and cheerful (most of the time, anyway) and to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving while I am on this earth.  And it is working.

Roger's Lesson:  It is about prayer. When you just do not have an answer and you know someone needs help but you are not able to be there to lend a hand, you can always pray. And the more specifically you pray, the better the outcome is likely to be. You can trust that God knows your heart, but why not tell Him the specifics? 

I think about the many times that Roger would call from work and ask me to be sure to pray something specific for someone specific. So many times I did not even know the person, but he knew the power of prayer and I know he shared that with others. Many of his friends, I still pray for, though I rarely - if ever - see them.

I also know that regarding his quick departure, Roger would have told me - "God numbers your days, so be ready."  But I also know that Robbie's departure would have broken his heart. So young. So much still to give. So senseless, the timing.

But he still would have said to learn and to be ready. Know where you are going to spend eternity.

But choices are so important and Robbie's family has determined that so much good will come of that young life. And it is.  Love well, serve well, and you won't be forgotten.
Robbie is still investing in others.

Name in granite?  It may be final on earth, but not for eternity.

CoCo

April 2015

There are times in life when you just have to stop and laugh.

Walking a dog should be a rather random and normal thing to do.  You walk, he (or she) walks beside you, or at least within hearing distance to you.

Dogs are different today than when I was a kid. When I was a kid, dogs pretty much lived outdoors and had a couple of jobs. Keep strangers away. Watch out for the kids and protect them. Chase away critters.  Kill the snakes.

They also did not have fancy foods. They ate table scraps and for a treat, got a milk bone. (which was probably grain and dried milk hardened together with some binder)  Oh, and soup bones from the butcher.


Dogs are different today. They are considered more like people - and most people are proud that their animals are a "member of the family." As a new dog owner, I am somewhere in-between.  This pup of mine - well, 10 year old Boston, has moments of intense energy, but mostly likes the leather couch, which he has overtaken, as well as his times of snoozing in the sun.    He knew who he had to win over in order to stay, and he is quite attached to me. So attached, that any time I go to the kitchen, day or night, or several times during the night - he is at my feet, no matter how soundly he happened to be sleeping. It is really funny, actually.  I think it is more about the potential of getting food than it is about me though.

And he has his own personal schedule. He likes to eat at 8:30 am and 5:30 pm.  And he has found his 'voice." If he wants something and I am busy, he does not let up with the 'talking' until I do what he wants.  ("Are you listening?")
If I believed in reincarnation, I would swear that this was Roger.

There are also dogs that have unusual talents. Chief is very talented at finding food. He can also play bang-bang-dead-dog. If you have a treat in your hand. He used to eagerly go into his crate if you said "den."  Not so much anymore though. Now he just looks at me like "you're kidding, right?"

Last weekend family came over and someone folded the 'throw' so she could sit on the couch. The look on Chief's face was incredible. "Thanks, but that is MY spot."   It cracks me up. I never knew our dogs to have this much personality when we were growing up. Maybe they did and I did not notice, but they were yard dogs.  I, however, am determined not to give up my position of ALPHA in this household. Watch out, Chief!

Co-Co, however is a totally different story. She lives next door to me. She is an Austrian Vizsla.  Bred in the Slovakian countries - Hungary, Austria, Romania, etc..... how funny that she would live next door - Roger had Romanian blood!  Hunting dogs, I believe they are, and second fastest to a Greyhound.  And boy, can she run! And she hunts lizards and plays with them until they are worn out. Literally- expired, but not dead. Yet.   And squirrels. I have seen few squirrels around here since CoCo came to town.  I'm not sure what she does with them - perhaps just scares them away, but I am a happy camper.

Which leads us to the tree. Yes, a very large camphor tree. the branch where she is standing is far above a tall man's head. (Yes, that is CoCo  IN the tree above. Look again.)
I have no idea how she even gets into the tree....one great leap!  She runs up and down the branches, and even over the branch that holds Roger's swing.

Talk about balance and no fear of heights!  This is SOME DOG!

Roger's Lesson: Enjoy dogs. They are man's best friend.  I'm just not going to have one living in my house and acting like he is a person hanging out on my furniture. 

Oops.  I caved during a weak moment of illness.  Now I am committed.
You should not have left, Roger.

But Chief has things well under control around here, and there is no stress in Heaven, so you'll be fine. Besides, he is so much like you.

And CoCo takes care of the critters!

Family

April 2015

It was dinner time and you do have to eat!

Plant Street Market in Winter Garden has finally opened. Of course, none of the sandwich type restaurants were open, but that was ok. We had a late lunch, and a large one at that.

Sharing. It is a wonderful thing!  My cousins were in town and we put together a little party!

I had actually never been to Bass Pro Shop - what an adventure.

Artegon - that was a novel concept and has real potential in an almost abandoned mall - at least once it is too hot to be outside, and if they keep the AC running!

But Plant Street Market - now there is a real 'old Florida' concept.  Little stalls of interesting products. You could call it cottage industries on display, I guess.

Some were well known names.   Axum Coffee. Yum, and an company with a neat mission.
The Tea Company - delightful! Freshly brewed before your very eyes.

Then, the pastry shop and chocolates. David Ramirez Chocolates.   I'm a personal fan of French Lindt, but these specialty chocolates are pretty swell.   Of course, part of the draw is probably because of the way I received my first box of David Ramirez Chocolates.  It is that personal touch.  When you enjoy seeing a student grow up, and see her passion and the way she saw food as such an art form....and then goes on to study pastry and chocolates, and interns for David Ramirez....and then brings you some that she made.  Ok....that's enough to be hooked when you see them.   (Good job, Taylor!)

There is something about food and friendships.  It was fun to just sit outside on a beautiful Florida evening and just chat. My brother and I hardly ever talk about childhood, but it was fun to recall those days. It was neat and a bit sad too, to hear stories of families and growing up, but also great to see how the sadness experienced by some in our little group was allowed to be turned into something really joyful, because they trusted God to just handle all things.

My childhood, and Roger's too, was pretty uneventful. Not tragic. Not particularly sad.  I guess we were the "Leave it to Beaver" or "Andy of Mayberry" kind of family with that kind of idealic American life in the suburbs.  We played on vacant lots, had sticker wars (sand spurs), had the freedom of the neighborhood, went to school, and church, and just had a pretty happy life.

Roger's life was very much the same. An only child, but one with a lot of cousins nearby. He loved it, but said that he had the best of both worlds. He had all the playmates, or "sisters and brothers" that he ever could have wanted, but when they drove him crazy, he could just go home - and hide out.   He was a bit of a hermit at heart.

I'm not sure I ever realized how really blessed we were until we were sitting around that table.

Roger's Lesson: The simple things really are the best. You don't need a lot of stuff and you don't need to be going and doing all of the time. Enjoy the ones around you and learn from each other. It prepares you for what comes next in life. 

Roger had cousins all around him, all the time. We moved away from all of our cousins - and we had a lot of them.  We went to Georgia a lot, but popping in and out of the lives of each other did not build really strong bonds like Roger had with his cousins. I do miss that.  I'm glad that we have re-connected in ways these past years. Thank you FB for that!

God gives us families for a reason. For the good or challenging of it, for the struggles or the fun times, for the insanity and even the tears, we learned - and hopefully found something good to use in our adult lives.  Families almost force you to learn to forgive, for we live closer together than practically anyone we would live with on this earthly journey - outside of a spouse.

It is certainly a journey and I know that I am a very different person than I was 50 years ago - and even 20 years ago, and yes, even a few years ago.  Always growing, or at least I hope I am.  I know that I am more mellow, less stressed, more accepting of differences and I hope, most of all, more determined to learn the "back story" when there is someone I just can not understand.

Because our back story is what forms who we are. Every single thing we go through changes us - some for the worse, some for the better.

Oh, how I hope that the things I walk through - both trials and opportunities - have changed me for the better.

With Jesus as my guide - and my model - it is certainly what I hope for.

Embrace that earthly family - whatever kind you have!

Food Factory

April 2015

The thing with being home so much is that the tv tends to be on for background noise. Or to feel like someone is talking to you.

I don't watch network news anymore. BBC sometimes, JLTV a fair amount ( that is Jewish Life TV - from Israel)

If I see a news story of interest then I google around and try to read it from several sources.

It is easier on my mind and I don't feel like life is a doomsday trip - at least not as much as I used to.    Life is on sort of a doomsday path, of course - but we knew that was coming. Well, if you believe in Bible prophecy at all, anyway.

There are things in life that do "take the edge off" of all of that anxiety. Pills. Yuk.  I found out that I am 'narcotic naive.'  YEA!  I can lick a pill and it works for me.  No need for me to be doped up to get through life!

Some people love chocolate and that gives them the 'calming fix' that they need.  Thinking of my chocoholic friends - and especially Roger - tonight, prompted me to tune into FOOD FACTORY.

Tonight's show was about chocolate, but not just any chocolate. The host was FRENCH - and he was showing how they managed to get that really, really silky smooth chocolate known as LINDT.

Accidents....the person who was doing the chocolate making some years back had it in the mixer and got distracted, then he went skiing. Then he came back in three days and the mixer was still running.  And the chocolate was as smooth as silk.   I love success stories like that!  Best chocolate ever!

I loved listening to the FRENCH guy - LOVE THAT ACCENT - and why are Americans so fascinated with accents anyway? But the whole story took me back in time. To France. To Paris. To a time when a pretty special French Tour Director pointed us to the LINDT shop near the Palais Garnier (Opera de Paris.)

Oh my goodness - I am not a chocoholic but I did accept a sample, because if I am going to eat chocolate, give me Lindt!

My first taste taught me something - this did not taste like the Lindt truffles I buy in America.  I also learned something. America is licensed to use the name but the recipe is slightly different.  No high fructose corn syrup for one.  Europe is highly ANTI-high fructose corn syrup. (Their sodas are better than ours as well!)

Needless to say, I thought I was a single step away from Heaven when I left that store!  Loaded with boxes of chocolates to take home, I might add.

And oh! Was Roger happy!  He LOVED chocolate and about the only chocolate he told me never to buy again was the 'stuff' from IKEA.  Ha!  Isn't that Swiss Chocolate?

Roger's Lesson:  If you need something to mellow you out, go ahead and enjoy the chocolate. It is good for your heart and for your soul. But be picky and go for the good stuff. 

And he believed that too! I'm thinking right now that he will be really happy if he is finding cold peanut butter cups on that Heavenly banquet table.

Personally - I think Heavenly chocolate will taste more like Lindt.  I also think that if you are going to embrace something, then pick something where they take time and patience to create it. Something where they use the purest and best ingredients. Something that, even if it is pricey, they have a product - like a single truffle - that is affordable. Because, after all, chocolate in moderation is probably pretty ok for your health.

But here is the really sweet part of my story.

I did not get to go to France this year because God moved my life in a different direction.

I certainly had my fair share of stress during those first two weeks in January as well.

But when Mitch showed up with a bag of goodies from the trip - look what I found.

FRENCH LINDT!
From my very favorite FRENCH tour director!


Now if that is not the sweetest thing ever, I don't know what is!
And I savor...not eat....savor....one almost every day - for my health.  And I do not share.
(I know, that's bad, I need to work on that!)

And I have learned that special people and special things come into your life for a reason, and very often we don't even know why. But I'm really thankful that years ago I got past that "American" logic that the "French hate us" because it is SOOOOO WRONG!   I am so glad that I went back to France last year and learned even more about a wonderful country and the wonderful people there.

I'm thankful that God is allowing me the time to continue learning - about a lot of things.
I have become even more thankful for people I have met, even if only for a little while, along this earthly journey.  As I recall them, I get to pray for them.  And I think that is one of the best things about this journey.

And along the way, I have given up the Dr. Pepper that I once loved dearly - and I finally joined Roger in his love of chocolate.

But for me - not any chocolate, just French Lindt!

Thanks, Pascal! This one is for you!

Charcoal

April 30, 2015

I really needed a firefighter tonight.  As in, I had flames, real flames.

Isn't it just the way that when you have just actually paid someone to clean your oven (which I am happy to say was not all that awful in the first place) - but, you have a perfectly clean oven, then turn your attention away for only a moment, and voila.....charcoal.

I really do love to cook, and I actually am a pretty decent cook.   I do admit to having a bit of a problem with multi-tasking though.

Reading all kinds of materials recently, I happened to come across an article that said that multi-tasking was not all that great for your health.  It is entirely likely that had Karin not noticed smoke when I mentioned that someone living near us was grilling, the story might have turned out differently.

Thankfully, I did recall one of Roger's most famous lessons and did not panic!

Roger's Lesson that I remembered:  It takes three elements to have a fire - fuel, heat, oxygen. Remove one and the fire will go out.  

I'm sure that is a firefighter lesson and one of the first things they ever learn - it sounds like science, right?     That is why they put water on house fires - you can't really snuff out all of the oxygen!

I calmly turned off the heat and kept the oven door closed, and turned on the vent because my 36 year old oven has this teeny tiny split in the seal where smoke can escape. Not generally a problem, but it did escape tonight.  Karin was a bit nervous about the flames. I waited.   They went out.

Mistake - oh yes, there is always one. I opened the door and all of the smoke rolled into the room.  I slammed the door really fast!

Dinner was not ruined. I have two ovens.  But really, when taco shells fit on the oven rack, nicely nestled between the little metal things in the racks, who would really think that they might slip through the rails and fall on the heating element?  

It kind of took the fun out of taco salad!  
Thank goodness for sweet tea and sour cream!
And a second batch of taco shells!

These were not burned.

But my top oven - oh my!
If I am really clever and don't use it until the end of May, then someone else will be here to clean it for me.

I may not be able to wait that long, so I might have to do it myself. Oh, a chore I longed to forget how to tackle!

Roger's Lesson:  When faced with a potential emergency situation, be calm. Take just a moment to think back on things you have learned and attack the problem logically and calmly.  Most potential emergencies do not have to turn into total disasters. 

 OK, I did pretty well tonight. I never did panic. I handled the situation. I had to save face, after all, it would not have helped Karin to believe that I was safe living by myself if I went crazy!  Gotta protect that independence!

But inside....ah, yes, on the inside I was screaming!   OH NO ROGER! THERE IS A FIRE AND I NEED A FIREFIGHTER!

And he would have come quickly to my rescue, handled the situation, and then told me how to avoid that in the future.

Well....and he probably would be cleaning my oven tomorrow.

Eternal message?  I'd say that it is definitely beneficial to spend eternity where there is no fire.
(and brimstone)