Mending

February 27, 2015

It was a big surprise!
And it came all the way from Honduras.

Last night I slept for 12 hours. Imagine that, after sleeping most of the day as well. God knew that I would need it!



My ride arrived bright and early for the appointed day was upon me. Yesterday I was not sure I would feel like going anywhere for a while - but I was determined to optimistically 'Push Through."

This morning I got up and felt great. Imagine that!

Emily had been hard at work from many miles away to create a special surprise for her mom. I was blessed to be a part of it, even though neither one of us had a clue what was about to take place.

Eddie delivered the envelopes at the appointed time, and we were told to follow directions. This would have been a really tough directive if Janie and I were not so absolutely obedient!

Envelope #1 contained a puzzle - one of those cryptogram things that totally confuse me. We put our brains together - as Eddie looked on with the most puzzled expression. He knew the answer and we almost missed it on the first try. Ok, we did miss it, but figured it out by the time we got to the end of the puzzle.  11 am is far to early to be doing puzzles.

Destination - THE COOP!  What a fun place to have lunch. When it is a blustery day - as it was today - it is even more fun. Warm, yummy, comfort food. "Best Chicken Pot Pie  - EVER!"

By the end of the day we would realize that we lingered too long, but OH - to sit on the porch (enclosed, of course) and chat....what fun!  Great friend, great food.  It makes me think of how amazing it will be one day to sit at the feet of Jesus AND be able to do it with lifelong friends!

We actually saw this sign on the wall as we parked the car. It was such a perfect message.....like God's handwriting on the wall!
Here I am, determined to stick with it and 'MEND' and Janie, who was in the hospital at the same time as me (only we did not know we could have waved to each other across the courtyard)...was also in the mending phase of her life.

There is no way that Emily could have known she would be a part of a pretty large message from above!



Service - remember my day at the Post Office?  We must have been quite the site, just trying to do a selfie with two selfs and this big ole sign.  A sweet lady with a little girl stopped and asked if she could help. We were excited and handed her not one, but two phones. She kept taking photos until she got it just like she wanted it! WOW.  We found out later that they had stopped to run to the restroom.   But she made a stop on her way and was a blessing to us. I hope her day was especially blessed. I bet it was - I bet she did stuff like that often.

ENVELOPE PLEASE!

This time we had to read some little poems and fill in the blank.
The little thing that looks like a coaster is actually a gift certificate.
Upcoming - a visit to the pottery studio to create a little work of art!

Where did Emily get this idea?

It was a lot of fun. This place has been in business around 18 years, and yet, I have never stopped in. For some reason, back in the fall, I had been thinking about creating a special plate for some special reason. I have no idea what I was thinking back then, but that I can remember that I thought about it is a step in the right direction.

At least it narrowed down the choices!  A plate it would be.  Janie decided on a plate as well.

Janie is faster with decisions than I am. She collects snowmen, so she painted herself and Eddie, disguised as snow people.  I taught her to use a ruler as a mahl stick so she could steady her mending hand.  See how we are learning that ALL THINGS CAN MEND!   Good therapy, Janie!

As is typical, I had no idea where I was going, but I love that design element called "repetition." I use it a lot. Some people call it redundant.
It works like this - Repetition. Pick a mark. Do it over and over in a spaced out areas and it becomes a design. Design - that is art!

I don't have too much trouble handling a paintbrush and though rusty, thankfully the skill returned quickly. It was a good reminder about how much I love to paint and how much I really need to get those brushes back in my hands again.

Interestingly, in wondering what I really ought to be doing with my time - the long or short of it - painting is one of the things that I listed as one of the desires of my heart.  Emily would have had not way of knowing this either!   But God did - and Emily allows herself to be used of God.

Janie had a good time and learned a few speedy skills. Whew - there is still some art teacher in me.  Keep it Simple, Silly! (The KISS principle)

Once again, we lingered, but since art is a right brained activity - you legitimately lose all sense of time. And so we did.  We turned in our creations for firing and they will be ready next week - all bright and shiny!

ENVELOPE PLEASE!

The next envelope required that we recall our history lesson. Thank goodness Janie knew a song!
I did the backup clue which required the math - and we both came out with the answer! Imagine that!
1814
And then filling in letters in another spelling game until we were able to spell Edgewater.
Ah....close to home!

Eddie called, and we missed him because the handbag was on the floor and Janie was driving and little ole ladies should not be messing with technology while driving anyway.  It turned out to be an important call, but we were making our way around the golf course - ending up almost where we started - but we laughed a lot.  Laughter doeth good - like a medicine.
And medicine MENDS.  (No bad side effects either!)

We finally made our way to 1814.
We thought it might involve caffeine.
It did not.
It was a flower shop.
It was closed. We were lost in our right brains...and trying to get around a golf course...and they locked the door right before Eddie arrived to save the day for us. Of course, we did not know he was doing that because - that phone and driving thing.

But we know that Eddie will save the day anyway!

Roger's Lesson:  Friends - best things to collect on earth. EVER.  Timing - I don't think you will ever get it, sweetie. Just be sure that you don't miss the Rapture. You really have to plan for that one in advance! 

Oh - don't worry about that! I will not miss the Rapture!  That is sealed with the blood of Christ!

In all of my random-ness and repetition while painting, this is what came out of my paintbrush.
It should be deep teal and fire engine red when it is fired.  Teal for me. Fire engine red for Roger.

Perfect colors for us.

The script. It is just what God placed on my heart in the moment.

"All things work together for good for those who love Him. " 

I do love Him. I also believe this journey is working for good, even though I often don't understand it.

In the center...
"As for my God - His ways are perfect!"

The most wonderful thing is that I do not have to understand why things happen as they do, or why the timing is what it is when traumatic times come - I just have to know that God's ways are perfect. He has shown this to me time and again, and I can say that while I mend - I am at peace.
I am enjoying each day with most wonderful friends. I will take one day at a time. I will enjoy the fact that I can sense the presence of Christ in so many different ways.  I can rejoice that on January 5, I was not at all certain that I would live to see April 1, but today I feel that God is indeed mending me and though I may not know for how long, I do know that He numbers my days, not me.

Even more....

There is no way that Emily could have known what God was going to place on my heart at this particular time, on this particular day. But she was a part of it. Because, His ways are perfect.

Blessing =  Emily.
Thank you for blessing us today in a very unexpected but absolutely wonderful way.

Stick Success

February 26, 2015

When I think of Roger, one of the first qualities that I think of is that of servant.  He was always helping someone.

No matter where we were, his eyes were moving to and fro, keeping a look out for someone who might need something.  They might need a quarter, they might need help with a bag, they might just need a smile or a laugh....he was there to deliver.

I always think that I am observant - in an artistic kind of way - but in a people kind of way, well, not so much.

Jim is much like Roger in this. Always willing to lend a hand, even if you don't think you need a hand.  He says to the kids all the time "see the need."   I think it is a really good and simple way to teach them to see what others might need.  Sometimes I know he thinks they will never get it - but they do.

FINALLY, I gained permission to drive. Yes, me. Old lady. Been driving for decades. Yet my precious and protective daughter finally gave me permission to drive to the post office. By myself! In the driver's seat!  AHHHHHH FREEDOM!

Do you ever think you just HAVE to do something, but then find out later that it might have not been as easy a project as you thought it might have been?

Today.
Me.
Three envelopes in the zipper pocket of my cross body bag.
One puffy mailing envelope
One smallish box weighing less than 1.5 pounds.
One key ring containing 3  PO Box keys - on a loop, attached to finger.
One hiking stick (Canes are not as fashionable)

Simple, right?

Oh, yea for the Handicap tag and front parking place!

What God showed me in this little adventure was how many times during this little 15 minute journey that I would have appreciated a hand - ah, if one had been offered.

Car door open. Everything in hands...how do you close the door with bad hips? - push it a little and be glad you are in an ok neighborhood and do have insurance in case of theft.

Door - those things are heavy. People inside the glass don't see you. Wait for the exit door to open. Three times, not one held it or saw the old lady with the stick.  Finally after leaning backwards on the in door -which was heavy - someone opened from the inside and I almost fell - in.  Whew. Good save.

Long line at the self mailer station.  Moved to put packages on a shelf so I could stand for a while. Two people got in line while I moved. Oh well.

I am pretty swift with the machine - so packages ready for stickers - two trips to the table. Apologize that next person had to wait a second.

Lady two back had one tiny package and a baby and asked lady in front (The one behind me) if she could possibly do a quick one.  Lady said - no, you can stand in line like everyone else.  Nice.  Wish she had been behind me. At least I would have let her go first.

Three trips to the mailing bin to put packages and envelopes in. Hobble Hobble with stick.

Ah....now the PO Boxes.  Oh Roger - how you loved exercise. Two of the three are on the BOTTOM row and one is three rows up.    No bending over.. Hmm...this was fun.  Lean to the left on mailboxes and try not to lose balance to get key in box.  Pull out junk mail. Pick up mail in all three boxes in hands, stand up, drop half of it. Pick it up. Drop keys.   People in line are watching.
Use stick to pick up keys - yea for that pick on the end of the walking stick.

To the desk to sort and toss out junk mail. Lots of it. Pick up everything and head to the car.

Heavy door. Again.  Stand beside door and when next person comes up and pushes, step forward so I can go out first and say "Thank you So much!"....not sure that is what they intended though.

Success....almost.   Get to car. Open door which is unlocked thankfully - drop car keys.

Toss mail on the seat, lean on door, navigate and go fishing for the keys using the hiking stick.  After 5 tries...hiking stick success!!!  Two people in parking lot talking and watching.

Now - I as I write this, I almost find myself laughing in comic relief - and yet, having lived it, I realized today how many times I might have been those very same people around me. I would likely have been so absorbed in my own task or conversation that I missed the opportunity to be a blessing to someone else.

Did you see any needs?  A place to lend a hand even though one was not requested?

Roger would NEVER have let any of this happen. He would have seen the need. He would have opened doors, carried packages, opened mailboxes, carried mail to the car and made sure the person - any person - was safely in the car before he left them.   He would have driven the person home and walked back to his car if he felt it needful.

I would have done some of the same, but likely not all.  I don't think.
I do think so now though.

Roger's Lesson: Look around. There is always a need and what you have to do probably is not the most important thing in the whole day. It only takes seconds to lend a hand. 

Maybe that is why he went in and out so many times a day. Maybe each time he left the house for some random errand that he did one at a time (where I would have bundled them) - maybe he was also seeing the needs around him each and every time - and assisting.

God showed me today that there are ways that even the weakest of us - me right now- can make someone else's life a bit better by just lending a hand for the simplest of things.

Let someone in line in front of you. Hold a door, even if you have to lean on it. ...

Hopefully the next time I get "Freedom Privileges" - I will see the need and act on it.
As long as it is a safe way to help for me, at the moment. Baby steps right now.

I made it home safe and sound, but I bet I was more exhausted than I really needed to be.

I thought of so many friends who offer so much to help me, yet I continually say I can handle things right now. I want to stay independent. Yet - independent me could have really used a hand today.

Very interesting lesson.

Thank you, Lord, for being the example of a servant while you walked this earth. Thank you for giving us Roger, who exemplified servanthood all the time. Thank you for making me aware of what I can improve on.

Thank you too, that sometimes you let us learn lessons the hard way so that we can actually 'get it.'

Elephant

February 26, 2015
Evening

Somehow I survived it. The weather must be stabilizing. Either that or all of those little cells have self destructed so my body can truly rest. Whew!

Bubble wrap - that is all I could think of this morning. Pop Pop Pop - that exasperating, annoying, thing that makes you want to scream when someone is popping bubble wrap.   (Every time I wrapped art work for students for an art show - they would unwrap, display, and all pop the bubble wrap!  EEK --people, how do you get the art home safely? ---oh, oops Mrs T) ...oh, the memories.   My grandies do it too!

Yet, God blessed me with bubble wrap today. This should actually be no surprise.

For some reason when I took Chief for a walk to get the mail, I almost tripped going out the door.

He saved me, of course, because he always checks out my pathway before I walk it.  Kind of a God thing, I think - since he is not a service dog and was never trained to do this.

What could it be?  Perishable.  - that means - get to it fast!
Frozen - ah....wonderful for hot flashes!

God's timing is always perfect!

We took our walk, which was much more the walk today than the 'pull.'  He is learning quickly that I will stop and turn around if he pulls me.  Assertive Discipline - learned that long ago for kids - and it works for dogs too. Want a treat? Loose leash!

Chief was as anxious to get inside that styro carton as I was. Who was the mystery sender?  What was inside?

The first thing I saw was bubble wrap - and lots of it. And it was the really-big-bubble kind of bubble wrap too!

I had to stop and laugh. All of my pondering of bubble wrap today - between naps - and here on my doorstep was a box with the biggest bubbles ever!
 It was fun to dig inside. Foil with bubbles. Plastic filled with dry ice. Plastic containers filled with.....SOUP!  Amazing, frozen soup.   ELEPHANT CHICKEN SOUP.

Now, I don't know what an elephant chicken is, but I can hardly wait to find out!

Precious Punky!  Bosom Buddies!  You pray for me, you make me laugh, you have just the right Scripture message at just the right time and you are SOOOOOO used by God to bless so many people on this earth!  

And God knew, before you knew, and before I knew, that today - this very day, He needed for me to laugh about bubble wrap - and all of those self-imploding, popping cells, too!

Roger's Lesson:  You never know what God is doing, but if you just follow His leading, when He leads you - you'll be surprised at the blessing involved. 

I hope you were blessed as much today as I was, Punky!

Just think - I would have missed this blessing if I had given up, cried, pulled the covers over my head and just slept the entire day away!

Flare!

February 26. 2015

It is one of those days. The blustery wind is blowing in from the east - or maybe the west. And it is cold. And it is damp.

For those with creaky (aka arthritic) bones, that means owie!  Our bones tell us that there is a weather change before we can even see it!

Evidently there was a lot of really crazy wind around 3 AM.
I did not hear it. Sleep - I do that well.

Morning started off with my dental appointment. I love going to the dentist. Crazy, right? Who loves going to the dentist?  I have a GREAT dentist and I love to hear him tell me that I need to hurry on out because he does not make any money from me.

So, given that most of my support system for this old body is having a fit right now, I was eager to hear someone say - "you are in great shape."   I also love hearing people tell me that I look great and sound great. And they wonder if I am even sick. WOW - that thrills my soul!   At least what I feel on the inside does not always show on the outside.

Thanks 'old doc' for making my day!  Teeth and gums are GREAT!  Thanks Donna for being so gentle with the cleaning and for making me sparkle!

Oh - the little things that God gives me each day that really are such big things!

I have known Dr. Avriett for over 42 years. Roger introduced me to his dentist when we were engaged. Prior to that, I was like most Americans who hated going to the dentist. It was scary and it hurt.  Not with Dr. Avriett. Gentle soul.  He and Roger loved talking football. I used to wonder why it took Roger so long at the dentist...half a day, it seemed.  I finally learned that first they talked football then got around to the teeth.  And of course, Roger had to visit with everyone in the office.

There are some great things to be said for longevity!  New friends are great, but friends that you have had for almost a lifetime - even if you only see them twice a year - and can't talk too much -  well they are pretty special too. More special when you know that you will all have eternity for all of that catching up!

While my mouth is strong and sparkly, I still have another battle raging today. Oh. My. Goodness.  It is like bubble wrap popping inside my body. Mostly in my back, but all over!  Tumor Flare is back and it must be a real war - real defeat of c-cells that is going on today!

I am just taking this as announcement from God that today is a day for R and R....rest and relaxation.  If I just consume a lot of water so those dead cells get flushed on out, it is as if that Living Water is flowing through me and giving me new life.

When I think of the ways that God can heal - and He is indeed the Great Physician - I also think about the fact that he sort of expects me to help out a bit. And today, that means resting. Not just sleeping or doing nothing, but rather, resting in Him.

I guess it is a foreign concept to some - but it really is incredible the way He refreshes not only my body but also my soul as I read scripture and journals and even when I google around and try to understand more about what is happening in this old body.  It makes me appreciate wellness more than I ever have, and even makes me long for that perfect body I will have in Heaven.

But for today, it is quiet and reflection and thanking God that He is in control of this journey of mine. And for the long - or even the short of it, it is His story that needs to be told.

And Roger's Lesson:  He would be here cheering me on and telling me to rest, and cooking up something warm and yummy in the crock pot. And he would say ' God tells us all the time to BE STILL - it is the only real way to Know Him."  

Indeed.

Back or March?

February 22, 2015

Books. My friends. My overtakers.
As much as I love technology, I can't seem to get into the digital book thing. It must be a tactile disorder. I love the feel of the page.

One thing I have acquired lately is devotional books. LOTS of devotional books. So many devotional books that it will take me YEARS to get through them if I use them as directed - one page per day.  I guess this could be a good thing.

I'm trying to take them one at a time and read straight through. It is a lot to absorb though. I mean, how much can God speak to you in one day. How often does He get tired?  Ok, He never gets tired.

One book leads me to the next and somewhere in the literary chaos (ha ha!) I ran across a book that I read back in 1996 when I had that original tough battle with cancer. It was a non-Christian book, but I inserted Christian principles as I read along and it was quite fascinating and it actually has stuck with me through the years.

For some reason, today I looked back. This is something I don't often do, unless it is incredibly good memories. Sometimes things trigger a flashback and I will go there unless it leads to a woulda, shoulda, coulda kind of event. Those events - the things where you can't change the outcome. Done is done, for the good, or the bad of it.

The flashback took me to a doctor's office in 1996 - I had popped in right after a school meeting where we were preparing for classes to begin again. It was with a surgeon and he was going to talk to me about a certain lump. He had X-rays in his hand. Old school. The film that you could actually see in that light box on the wall.  And on that day I was introduced to a thing called cancer and what it looked like on film.  

They say you should never go to a doctor's office alone. I always thought that was silly.  I clearly still don't follow that advice because I did it again in January 2015.

I remember leaving the office that day wondering a few things.
*  Will I see my children grow up?
*  How do I tell my family?
*  What is this journey going to be like. Everyone I ever knew with cancer had died shortly thereafter.
*  How would I navigate this thing? Was my faith strong enough, was I brave enough?
*  Does my life count for anything and will anyone miss me, ever?

The randomness of our thoughts, right?

Yet, God, in all of His goodness led me, not directly home, but to the book store. It was probably Long's Bible and Book Store - today we call them Family Bible or Lifeway.   I can still see myself in the health aisle and just looking at books that I had never seen before.  And devotionals about health - lots of devotionals.   I don't remember what I bought, but I do remember this sense of peace that God had this thing under control and that I just needed to trust.

I knew it would be a tough one, but it is one of the few times in life where I do look back at things that were pretty awful because I can see such beauty that came of it.  Not beauty in the things that happened as much as beauty in the way He changed me.  I guess that is what 'refined in the fire' means.

Surely, during my life there have been hurts - both on my part toward others and on the part of others toward me - but I don't recall or dwell on them. Some are just not fixable. Most are not healthy to re-visit anyway. Most are forgotten by others at best.    

You get a lot of little 'morsels' - food for thought -  in these devotional books.  Most of them have short little messages....oh, so unlike my thoughts.  I often wish I could be concise!

My little doc visit from 1996 came to mind when I sat in that office in January 2015 though.  When my doctor used that word "Malignant"   - metastatic -  well, I knew what that meant.

But this time I was not fearful. I knew that for whatever reason he was telling me this, God already knew it and He already had a plan.  My questions were different this time as I sat quietly thinking - with the Doctor likely wondering why, when all alone, I was not dissolving in tears.

My questions were more like
*  What are you going to show me through this, Lord?
*  How will I tell my family - this affects them too.
*  Will you please help me to walk this walk with a focus on you so that others can see you through all of this and desire an eternity with you more than they desire anything on earth?
*  Will you allow me to know that those I love will be with you in eternity as well?

and of course that selfish question that is always in there -    Will you let me go to Europe with these precious kids, or will you at least firmly close the door so that I don't do something I am not supposed to do?  (The trip departure was in 42 hours after the diagnosis was revealed.)

Roger's Lesson:  Change is hard but sometimes change is good.  Becoming less stressed did not hurt you any at all. Keep enjoying the earthly journey, fight hard, but remember that eternity is pretty great! Keep looking forward! 

And I will. I will embrace this unexpected change in my life journey.
I will adapt. I will simplify. I will embrace sweet memories and turn my head away from anything that leads to emotional pain.    It saps my energy and gives satan an opening. I will not allow it.

As I have embraced this past year of loss - I have also learned that sweet memories are the ones I chose to record for my children and grandchildren.  They are the ones that brought great happiness even in the midst of tears.  They are the ones that made this earthly journey so sweet. They are the reason I call myself blessed.

I'm not sure where God is leading me this year, but I am determined that it will be sweet - encouraging - memorable in the best of ways.

I am believing that the things He showed me in the last year, and that He prompted me to record, are also the things that will continue to strengthen my faith and help me to say at the end of each day that no matter how little I think I did - that I did a lot if I spend time with Him.

I guess when it comes right down to it - spending time with Him is the most important thing and the thing that matters the most.

Earthly walk - I do love you.  And I hope to walk a lot longer  - well, with wheels or without  - but in faith for that is how you see the Hand of God in all of it.

Forward - March!

Lilies of the Field

He cares about the lilies of the field - or so the Bible tells me - so He cares about me so very much more.

How amazing is that!

And it is true - indeed - I know it is true.

The beautiful lilies - and the perfectly white roses that arrived the other day have been a perfect reminder to me all week. He cares. And it is not only God that cares, but the amazing friends and family in my life care too.

But more than that. They pray.

I don't know of a better way to share love to one another than to know that you will pray for them and they will pray for you. It is an open door to our Father, in Heaven. To the Creator of the entire universe. To the One who has known you from the very moment you became a being - or in modern terms, a little tiny blob.  He has known all about me - and you - from before the time that I breathed my first breath, cried my first tear, touched my first human person.  And not only that - He knows every little thing that will take place until I draw my last breath.

Yes, I know that not everyone believes this, but that is the wonderful thing about America. Everyone does not have to. I can believe it, because I have experienced it.  I can not comprehend how someone can possibly not care to experience this type of love and acceptance, but that is a choice, one that is not mine to make.

These beautiful flowers are on a lovely piece of furniture in the foyer of my home. I pass by them several times a day and each time I pass, I have stopped to admire their beauty.

Generally lilies have this overwhelmingly sweet fragrance, but these do not. They are beautiful without giving me that lily headache. And a week later - they are still beautiful!

And the roses - that delicate, sweet fragrance reminds me that God desires to hear from me and that it is like that same sweet fragrance of the roses. Pleasant, wonderful, enjoyable. And these roses are perfectly white. They have stayed perfectly white all week as they have slowly opened from beautifully shaped buds to fully open roses. There are no dark spots on them. This is rare with white flowers.

I just feel like it is reminding me each day of the perfection I can find in Christ. No errors, no ill will, no desire for anything but goodness. Truth, beauty, honesty, purity....all those really great qualities that we all wish we had and try to have, but we know that we lack perfection in them.

It is really nice to have things around me - little gifts like this - that not only bring beauty into my life but they remind me of special friends who sent them. They remind me of Jesus each time I see them. They remind me of the perfection I will only see in Heaven - in Eternity.

Roger's Lesson:  Love your flowers, but they are temporary. Let them remind you that this is a journey. It is temporary. It is far from perfect. It is practice.  Focus on the eternal. 

Yes - We have good, we have bad. We have happiness and sadness. But all of it together helps to make us the people that we are and the way we handle circumstances makes us bitter or better.

I won't be bitter. I just won't allow it of myself because that not only hurts me, but it hurts those I love.

It is a weird concept to think of pain and sadness making us better - but I do believe it does.

Wheels

February 20, 2015

Sometimes you just have to let go and give in.

Sometimes those around you, those who seem to be the ones who are a bit over-protective, those who want to help you stay independent but seem to offer up things that seem too medical ....ok, sometimes you just ought to listen.

I guess it makes me think back to being a young mother. You never want your child to be sick, or hurt, or struggle. Yet - you know that you appreciate health only after you have been sick. You know that you only know happiness and joy once you have experienced hurt or pain. You know that you only become stronger if you have had to struggle.   So many times these days I comment about how society seems to want to 'bubble wrap' the children so that they never have to experience these things. I am not sure that is so good.

I remember trying to teach the lesson after the girls were hurt or sad or struggling. I think that I was not the more compassionate type of mother - but the more teaching kind - and then thought.."oh my goodness, I need to be hugging right now"   Dad took care of all the sick and emergency calls - and he was good at it.   But somehow, our girls learned both practicality and compassion. They are a great balance in each other.

This is a really tough time in life. I guess that thinking last year was tough was only the practice run. Last year was all about emotion and memories and how to handle the constancy of tears and fighting them back - and moving forward.   This year is more physical.

It is more about wanting to be this totally independent person - when in reality, I need to give some of it up - at least for a while.

It is about having pain that I do not understand, and working hard not to show it, but feeling it all the same.

It is about trying to be really honest about how I feel when talking to our girls, and yet not allowing myself to give into pain so that it becomes me.

It is about not giving up.

It is about trusting God to give me strength and purpose with each new day.

It is about sometimes feeling like Heaven could be so close and so much better, but accepting that maybe that is not what God is asking me to focus on at the moment.

It is about often wondering the purpose of all of this physical pain when I have not fully recovered from the emotional pain. Yet - all the while trusting God because He not only knows the future, He knows the purpose.

These past three weeks have been interesting. The appointed time, every day, for three weeks, has been 10:45 - for radiology. Nuke me.
I could not have asked for a better doctor nor better technicians. What blessings, what gifts from God.  They have been encouraging and inspiring and have challenged me to keep up the good fight.

They have constantly told me to relax and let them do their job and that my job is to stay safe and not break anything and to rest.  Most people would BEG to have three weeks to rest, right?  Why do I have to fight it so much?   "You can rest because your body needs it, or your body will crash so it can rest. It is your choice."     Perhaps not welcome, but still very wise advice.

Roger's Advice:  Your reports have been great this week, so you have nothing to complain about. Try listening to the children. You trained them to be trustworthy. 

I can hear him saying this to me.  And yes, I gave in. I said ok to the chair. And they were happy for me to have a lovely red one - fire engine red. And it matches my hiking stick and my glasses.

Because, after all, if you have to have DME (Durable Medical Equipment) you just might as well be fashionable.

It makes me think about how God taught us to train up our children - to invest in them - and to teach them good judgement and then to trust that they use good judgement.  Maybe I never thought about doing that so it would come back to help and to bless me - but I guess that is what He was teaching us as parents.  I could not have asked for better children to be entrusted to my care - our care.

Whatever the future holds, I have a pretty blessed life.
The pain? Oh, it is for a season.
The sadness? Well, the sun will still shine - and I can embrace it or close the shades.
The future?    I will enjoy my bright red chair for as long as I must. I will do what I can to feel as close to normal as possible, whenever I can.

And I will hope that my "get up and go" comes back sooner than later - with all the hopes that it will because prayer means something and a whole lot of people are spending a whole lot of time asking God to help me through this season.

So give me those shiny red wheels - and let's get this girl moving.
God has a bright future out there - and it is time for more adventures!

Chief

February 18, 2015

"Just for a visit"

"I told him that he was going to Camp Juci"

Roger should be rolling over in his grave. How many times do we say that with a sense of humor?  It does not sound fitting or much like a sense of humor, and yet, it is what Roger would say.

A dog. In our house.  Roger would say that this entire family has lost its entire mind.

Roger met Kellen - the blind poodle. He fell in love, but he was always one for the downtrodden. He welcomed Kellen and they were pretty close - well, when Karin was away.  

I sort of took over by default when she traveled. We became friends. Of sorts. Kellen always loves Karin the best though. He was lost without Roger though.

Then came the greyhound, Iron. That is one big dog. I can not believe I let him in my house, but there are times when one lowers their standards without thinking.  OK - he is pretty lovable, as much as a greyhound can be lovable. He is beginning to interact in a playful way.  He owns Jim. He still lets Jim think he owns the house, but we all know who the Alpha male is in that household. Iron.

This can NOT happen to me. An animal can NOT become alpha in my house.  But those eyes. That personality. Oh GOOD GRIEF!

Laura and Caroline have lives that are becoming increasingly busy. Laura asked for prayer to find a home for this great dog - someone who is old, does not get out much, needs someone to sit on the couch with her and just put his adorable little head on her lap....  Ok, I could help her pray for that.  And then she said.......JUDI!    Oh NO!  

I succumbed and allowed a visit. Ok, a trial weekend. And then I was hooked.  Well - maybe the kids were hooked first but it did not take me too long.  What a great little 'old' dog.  And what a little blessing he is.

I don't really know what Roger would say about all of this because we never wanted a dog. We had a cat, but only because Kristin left him behind when college came around. Thankfully Roger outlived the cat for I do not know how I would have handled that one! (Like the Egyptians, I always told him - you go and the cat goes with you. It would have been the only personal belonging he had for the afterlife. ha ha! )  

I love pets - the ones that belong to other people.

But to own one - well - we shall see. I never thought it would be me.  I am pretty much hooked now.

Roger's Lesson:   Do what makes you healthy and happy. If you are going to have a dog though, give him a good name and make him be responsible and well trained. Don't let him annoy people. 

Thankfully this one came well trained.
He does not beg for food, he does not jump in my lap.
He walks in front of me and stops to see if I am safely following.
He waits at a step until I go up or down, then leads again to see that I am safe.
He alerts when someone is at the door. (And I think he might eat a wicked person)

He still loves his "Den" when I need to leave the house.
The other dogs taught him doggie manners and he learned quickly that Kellen is frail and Iron is boss and that he is third man on the totem pole and he better like that just fine.

And he does.

Yes Sir, Chief Tome --- you would be pretty proud of us.


That is exactly why we gave him a red collar and named him after YOU!  
(Of course, the bling on his collar is for me.)

Welcome to the family, "CHIEF"

East

February 16, 2015

I drifted off to sleep last night with the faint sound of bagpipes floating through my mind.  That sound. That beautiful but oh, so mournful sound brought back a flood of memories from the past year.

Bagpipes at Roger's service.
Bagpipes at the Florid Fire Chief's Memorial Service
Bagpipes at the Florida State Fire College Memorial Serivice

There will be more at the State of Florida Fallen Firefighter Memorial Dedication in Tallahassee in March.

The ones that stand out the most though are not the ones that passed by me during a service, but the faint sound in the distance of one particular hymn.

The sounds in my mind are as fresh today as they were a year ago. It is after the service had ended at the cemetery. I remember feeling like my heart was going to explode.  A flag had been presented to Kristin, the Chief's helmet was presented to Karin, and a Medal was presented to me.  The bugle played,  the Final Call was sounded to all of the fire departments in Orange County, and then the sound of that Final Call bell - sounding across the time and space that we were inhabiting.

It was  borrowed bell that day, but KSC has their own bell today. I am happy that we were able to assist with that because it is something that will sound in the hearts and minds forever for a firefighter's family.

Then it was quiet.

Then off in the distance I heard it.....'It is well with my soul."......played slowly and deliberately. Each breath inhaled and exhaled so that each note meant something.

I recall sitting there wondering when the tears would stop, and yet having such a peace.
I recall the words playing over and over in my head while the sound of the bagpipes sounded in the distance.

I do not recall having any part of the decision making involved with much of the service - especially the part that the Fire Department provided  - yet this was perfect.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows, like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well - it is well - with my soul

Indeed - I did not know what the days ahead would bring. I only knew that God was helping me to get through that one.

Indeed - It has been quite the year. Ups and Downs. Laughter and tears but more laughter than tears - we determined to make it that way. We could do that because it is well with our souls.

Indeed - what is behind has made us stronger, though life is certainly different now.  But it has also given us strength for what we are facing in this new year.  And it is well with our souls.

I love those old words in the hymns - most people don't even want to make the effort to make sense of them today - but I find them both challenging and comforting

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live
If Jordan above me shall roll
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul

But, Lord, tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait
The sky, not the grave, is our goal
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

This always makes me think of some of Roger's words during the last days of his earthly life ..
" Hey, if the trumpet sounds today, I am ready. Even if it does not sound, I am ready."

Roger's Lesson:  Maybe I did not say it to you in those words, sweetie, but I think you knew and I know it has been confirmed.  I kept asking if you were listening....I think you were....well, most of the time. 

Hmm....well, I wonder if it would have made sense to me if he had said those words to me - but I know they give me comfort and I know that they point to God's perfect timing - for Roger.

I know that when that scene from February 15, 2014 surfaces from the depths of my memories, I will clearly hear the final verse of that beautiful hymn...

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound - and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul

And every morning I look to the eastern sky, and I hope this is the day.
I guess I always will.

Perspective

February 15, 2015

A year.
Actually, it has been a week.
A week re-lived in so many ways.

I think that for the first time in a year I have failed to 'anticipate.'

I have failed to think in advance about how I was going to handle 'the big ones.'

I have failed to get myself 'psyched up' and ready to brace myself for the potential of floods of tears, or unexpected emotion that I can not control.

I have failed to plan for how "I" would handle myself.

I have just let go - and let God.  Maybe for the first time.

And it has been a really good week.
Often during the week I found myself wondering if I was just too fatigued, or too busy with doctor visits, or too distracted while looking forward to the visit with my sister  - to have noticed.

I don't think that was it at all. I think that for the first time I just decided to roll with the waves - something a student taught me back in 1996 - and just see what God was going to do.

It is funny - actually crazy - the way we know these things and yet we don't do them.  I know that God will get me through. I have experienced it in profound ways in my lifetime.  For goodness sakes, I am only here today because God has 'gotten me through.'    A doctor even commented that it was surprising that I was still here- 'we don't see it that often.'   Well - God is an amazing God - and that is all I can say about it.

My sister (and her family) was here a year ago this week. I just realized that. It seems like yesterday and it seems like forever ago.  A lot of family and friends who really wanted to be here were actually snowed in - as far south as Georgia - and couldn't even get out of their driveways.  A year ago, Atlanta was snowed in and caught totally off guard for a blizzard.  A year ago it was cold and wet and  while we were preparing for final services for our hero, Orlando families were also mourning the deaths of five young people who died in a fiery crash as well as a police officer who was so needlessly murdered while answering the call to serve and protect.   In fact, the same officers who came to Roger's service, had to quickly depart so they could be there for the police officer.  We even tried to move away from Woodlawn quickly - though they never rushed us - because the police officer burial was coming in as we were leaving. Two heroes on one afternoon.

Jimmy and Rick worked as a team to put together a most memorable Fire Department Honor Guard and everything that goes with it. Ocoee FD showed up as we were escorted from home to the church. Orlando Fire Department brought a truck as did NASA/KSC - something so rare!

"Chief" - Roger's chief - our friend - the young man who did what Roger told him to do so many years ago - when he was quite happy right where he was - Rick was by my side the entire day.  Strength in action. Roger would have been SO Proud! I was So thankful! There are just not words to express my emotion a year ago.  And a lot of those memories have carried me for a year - and probably will for a whole lot longer.

A lot took place that day.  I can't remember now how much I wrote about it, but I will go to the archives and take a look. If I didn't write - then maybe I will soon.  The memories still seem so fresh.

A year later, I can say that the writing has been a good thing for me. It has made me feel productive. It has allowed me to process a lot and at the same time leave some wonderful memories for my children and grandchildren. It has allowed me to remember things that tend to remain in the recesses of our minds, ever present but never processed and appreciated.

A year later, I can still remember a lot of the words that were spoken at the service. I can still hear the songs that so beautifully expressed the flavor of Roger's life   "How can I say thanks for the things you have done for me....."     And "God Bless America"     ("I've never heard that sung at a funeral before" Pastor Cloer) - oh, but more powerfully sung than I have EVER heard it.

Roger loved his country and he loved his Savior.  And Bro. Clayton  (Pastor Cloer) expressed it in a way that anyone and everyone could understand.  Theologically correct or not - I will always hold on to the idea that Roger could look down from Heaven and see what his life meant to others - and I will also know that nothing on this earth mattered to him any more than knowing that each person that he knew, no matter how much or how little, would meet him in eternity with Jesus.

I know that if his life meant anything to anyone - that if anyone wanted to do something that would make him rejoice from the depths of his soul - that it would be for them to walk with Christ for the rest of the days of their lives - and into eternity too.

And it is so easy.  You don't have to be good enough, or get rid of anything that you think might hinder you, He really is beyond all of that stuff. Besides, He will help you get all of the messes of life straightened out just fine - trust comes slowly sometimes, but step out in faith. Take that first step in realizing that your life - my life - is not all that is pleasing to God and you have half the battle won already!

He is there. If you do believe but don't feel it - it is not God that moved. Move closer. Listen. He's there to hear and answer.     If believing seems foreign, move closer anyway. Open your heart and see if you can hear Him calling. He will, but you have to listen. Not just hear - we can all hear to some degree - but listen. That requires tuning in.  Block out the junk of life and listen for the real thing. The thing that counts for all of eternity.

Roger's Lesson: 
Unbelievable?  Oh yes, Heaven is UNBELIEVABLE!  Take that first step. You will never regret it.

I had the privilege of riding to the cemetery in the 'Chief's Vehicle" under the care of the Chief who made Roger most proud.

When we finally visited the Fire Station - I think we all said UNBELIEVABLE
* that Roger was able to exist in this world of technology
* that it was such a fun place to be
* that if life was this great for him on earth - and Heaven is even better

Then we would make it for the rest of our earthly journey and embrace our great memories

BECAUSE

What he is doing now has got to be the best RESPONSE  (fire call?) of a lifetime!

I guess you can call it perspective.
Hopefully letting go will help me get through the next phase of "I have no idea what" - but with an eternal perspective - it is just going to be ok, if not UNBELIEVEABLE! 

Sweetie

February 14, 2015

It is Valentine's Day.  I did not do so well.
My Valentine gifts are still on the table - undelivered.

My mind has been elsewhere all day. Well, all day when I was not sleeping.

Even when I was with others, it was always in the back of my mind. This day.

One year ago, I remember thinking that we would not do a 'visitation' - 'gathering' - whatever it is that they call it these days. That evening before a funeral service.

Back in the day they called it "laid out." - I have learned since that those really wide doors in really old houses are for the 'laid out' rooms.  My grandparent's house had one.  The front door was particularly wide, even if it was not a double door. And the door to the 'front room' was really wide. There was a reason. Folks who had departed were 'laid out' in there so friends and family could pay their respects.  That's right - a little bit of trivia enriches your life!

Earlier in the week - a year ago, I recall the 'making of plans and schedules' to prepare for Roger's home-going. (As if he was not already home)   We had determined that the funeral service would be on Saturday, due to travel, logistics and other reasons.  That meant that the 'gathering of friends' would be on Friday.   Friday was Valentine's Day last year.  I remember suggesting that we just forget it because after all, people had plans on Valentine's Day and no one would want to do this on such a special day.  I was over-ruled.  I submitted.

Valentine's Day - I also remember waking up that morning and finding on Roger's dresser - a card.  It was not signed, but it was new. A Valentine's card. He had purchased it on the morning of Feb. 10 on his morning errands.  By Valentine's day, there would have been a gift card to some fancy restaurant and a gift card to the mall enclosed. He was predictable, this man of mine.

It was a different kind of Valentine's Day.

I was also surprised with beautiful roses. All of the girls were. They were from Jim. "Roger would have done this" he finally admitted. What a heart. What a big heart!  Who notices things like that?
Jim does.

Evening approached and it was time to get dressed for the 'gathering.'   I felt like it was going to be a long and quiet evening, but another one of those things that was a bridge we had to cross.

Boy, was I surprised!

It was one of those things that never in your wildest imagination would you have thought of....
but what did Roger call EVERYBODY?

Hello - what was a more perfect time for family and friends to visit him than on Valentine's Day - the day when everyone was called SWEETIE!

What a mood changer!  I found out that night that while we might have been sweetHEARTS - about everyone else in the world was to him 'sweetie.'

And that includes a whole lot of really tough firefighters!

And they turned out in force, and oh, how they put together an honor service for him.  I had no idea what to expect and I was nothing short of overwhelmed.

I think we all were.

These guys - they serve and protect. They fight fires and save lives. The are as tough as anyone you would ever want fighting for you and also as gentle as anyone could ever hope to be. A rare breed indeed.  And their hearts are HUGE.

And Roger loved every one of them and it was not until I finally got to go to the fire station ( not an easy task in this post 9-11 world we live in) - I finally understood.   I finally understood that there was no way that this man 'Chief Tome' was going to retire on his own.  There was no way he would ever have been able to just walk away and say 'enough.'  There was no way, even though he had told me for years that 'this might be my last shift.'  "Today they might give me the boot."   "Today they might say I am too old."

"Never gonna happen." was what his Chief told me. "If you wanted him to retire, you should have told ME, because I was never going to force it on my own!"  Oh Rick!  And that is a whole other story I could tell!

Well, thanks guys - because you surely made his workdays rich!

And now understand how much you must miss that intercom going off at random, yet often times, with the call .....

...and whichever 'darlin' was called, you came running!  (Often with fresh, hot coffee - or to log him back on to his computer would be my guess)

And you melted my heart a year ago and I have prayed for so many of you so often in the past year.   Roger's last shift might not still be together - they mix it up about every year and change around, retire, go out on medical - etc...but one thing they do is stick together.  They care about each other deeply and are helping others until the day they are called home.  It must be in the firefighter blood - or in their heart.

We realized a year ago that Roger was many things as he walked this earthly journey. Some people, mostly neighbors, did not even know he was a firefighter. They knew he was always there to help. Many thought he was independently wealthy because he was home so much.  He was - he had a wealth of friends and family and random people from all over the place. Most people knew him as Roger. Or the man in the swing. Or the runner who looked like he was about to give out (though he never was - it was just his running style.) Or the man on the bench at Allen's.  Or Rog. Or Chief. Or Piggy ....oh that leads to another long story.

I met people that night that I had not seen in years. Some came in from out of town to see us. Some were former students and their parents - I never even knew that I had touched their lives in such a way that they would come. There were firefighters who had to tell me their 'nickname' in order for me to know who they were - because often I had never even heard their real name. There were people from Roger's past - 40 years ago - who worked with him at OFD - who came.  There were friends, both his and ours who came - and they just kept coming and coming and coming - until my precious funeral director said that he just had to take Roger home. He would not leave him unattended all night - he just never did.

I think it is one of those things that they really should video tape, because those are memories and faces that I desperately want to remember. They are moments that I could not take in, much less comprehend, at the time.  I remember never feeling numb, in the least, but I do remember feeling so overwhelmed with love. It was truly a gift from God.

And at the end of it all - I realized that even though I knew that Jesus called Roger home when Jesus was ready - we only really 'got it' that it was at a perfect time, because NO one was more perfect to have his own personal 'gathering of friends' happen on Valentine's Day than the man who called practically everyone he ever met

Roger's Lesson:    I guess I laughed, Karin, didn't I?

Oh, I know this one - he would not want all of this attention at all. In fact, when he ever did talk about funerals, he would tell me - no bagpipes - none of that fire department stuff - no attention - I won't be there.    And Karin's response the last time it came up "Well, you don't get a vote."
And he laughed.

Ha!  Well, sweetie! I hope you were looking down from Heaven - because if you were not, then you missed a pretty sweet Valentine's Day!

Thank you, everyone, for leaving us with a most special collection of memories.

Give Up?

February 13, 2015

It is such  a strange thing, this sense of time. I have pondered it for almost a year now.

I have come to really want to embrace this non-western view of time, which is more 'in the moment' than it is linear.  This is a really hard time when you have spent your entire life being raised with this 'western' view of time, which is linear and very much 'project oriented.'

A year ago on February 13, it was a rather quiet day. It was quiet and it was long.  We were at the point where everything for Roger's service was pretty much complete. I remember feeling like I was in this strange kind of hold pattern. There was nothing to be done, but that he was not coming back, or merely at work, or just off on an errand, had just not fully connected.

I can also remember things like being told to 'take a pill" so you can get through this. And things like 'here, drink this, it will help you to numb the pain."    Both were very foreign phrases to me, for I did not want a pill or a drink to help me get through anything.

In the midst of it all, I knew that God had provided a way for me and that if I just trusted, and kept on trusting, then He would give me whatever it was that I needed - even though I had no clue what I really needed.  That does not in any way mean that I did not shed a whole lot of tears though.

I learned during that week that tears can be healing and it is ok to cry.  My Pastor told me - well, all of us - straight up....."it is ok to cry, to be sad, even to be angry - just don't stay there forever"  ....sure, I knew that Jesus wept, because I can read the Scriptures.   I had lost loved ones - parents - but these were very different tears.  When you have lived a really long and good life and your body is just worn out, it is almost a comfort to those left behind to know that your loved one has no more pain and especially so if you are confident that they are in the arms of Jesus.

But 71 is not old these days, and he had just passed a physical, and he was told that he was better at 71 than at 70, and nothing at all gave us a clue that he had any particular heart issues.  An afternoon run was nothing out of the ordinary, and on top of that, it was a beautiful and cool February day.

But Jesus called. And he was ready.  We know this because of a conversation he had with a firefighter on his final shift. They did not know it was his final shift, of course. But we knew he was 'ready' and that turned out to be such a comfort in the days following February 10, 2014.

Looking back on Roger's career as a firefighter, I think about how blessed we were all those years.  I know of two times when his life was spared.  God had a reason.   Roger helped a whole lot of people in his time here. Though he was never fond of being late - ok, he hated it and was driven to be on the 'one hour early' side of on time - but in the case of an emergency, time had no meaning except for the need to act quickly. And that he did, time and again. On duty and off.  He never really rested - he kind of reminded me about that verse that tells us that satan looks to and fro across the earth, looking for those he can devour.  Roger was always looking to and fro - keeping and eye out, especially in an assembly building - to see who might need to be saved from some impending disaster, medical need, or just needed assistance.   I think I was always 'off duty' because of it, and that might not have been so good.  Our girls don't even remember me 'doctoring' them - dad was always there.  Hmmm.

Maybe I tried to teach them to avoid disaster?  I know he was seriously focused on teaching them to use common sense.  "More valuable than mere intelligence" he would say!

All of these years, I have seen God's goodness "in the land of the living" (I can still hear Bro. Bill say that!) I walked that journey through cancer and He never left me - Roger reminded me and demonstrated that to me so often - the ways that God carried me through the really rough stuff.

And then life goes on, and we get busy, and God is always there, bus sometimes we just give Him a passing nod. We thank Him along the way, and we ask Him for stuff - maybe not for ourselves, but for others. And He listens, and answers, because He loves us.  But leaning - I wonder how often we do that in the easy, good times.

And then, bam - something really big, really unexpected, hits. This is when we really realize that this is not something we can survive alone. And God is there - because He always has been. And He is strong, and able, and will be there, just because that is what He does.

And the wonderfully amazing thing is that we don't have to be good enough, or rich enough, or beg enough, or have the right connections, or have this mystical spiritual thing going on.  He is as real as you and me, but He is not you and me. And we are not Him - nor can we ever be.

It is just such an amazing thing for me to think about.

Roger's Lesson:  He would say "you've got it, babe" - exactly. 

For absolute certain, I have no idea where 2015 will take me. I have no idea if I will see a few months of it, or all of it.  I have no idea whether treatments will work, nor if we will run out of options, nor if bam- all of the bad cells will just implode, self-destruct, go to sleep......

But this I do know - God carried me through this personal battle in 1996 and I lived to tell about it and live some very wonderful years - 18 more, in fact. They were filled with people who so blessed my life.

He carried me through 2014 and beyond, when I thought at times that I could not possibly survive without my soul mate - and often did not really care to (but not in a depressed way - just in a lonely way) And yet, I have survived it and been so blessed by long time friends, students, family - and even by people I have never even met.

So 2015 - this is quite possibly the toughest battle I have ever faced. It is a pretty big one. It is one of those things where you can say - "it hurts down to my very bones" and it is literally true.
But I know that He will carry me through - through to 2016 and beyond, or through to my eternal home, whenever that might be.  (Personally, I am pulling for going with the Rapture, but isn't that everyone's dream?)

But I can truly say that I have no fear, little if any anxiety, and an absolute confidence that He will be with me every step of the way.  I can step off that cliff into the world called 'cancer' and not wonder if He will catch me. He will.

I am thankful that Christ chose me, and that when He 'knocked on the door of my heart' (Now - get that visual image) - that I answered.  What a journey it has been - ups and downs - valleys and mountaintops - home and abroad, I have been so abundantly blessed.

The goodness of the Lord, in the land of the living.

I can't imagine why anyone would not choose Christ.  I wish everyone would.

Time - in the moment. Every moment.  
Give up?  No, my story won't end that way.
Too many people won't allow me to let it!

Beyond

February 10, 2015

Yes, it is Florida.And evening. AND COLD.
But we went for Ice Cream - at Allen's.
This is what we do on February 10.

And each year, just like this year, we will determine for it to be a very good day. And it was.

For as long as there is an Allen's and as long as there is a bench - rain or shine - we will go.

This was another one of Roger's favorite places.

Roger's Bench - it is fondly called.  He rarely, if ever, sat inside the ice cream shop. He almost daily had his cup of Allen's coffee on his bench.

When we paid for our treats, Jacob entered Roger's phone number, as we most often do.  He had hundreds of visits here in the few years this shop has been open. He has more now.

Before it was Allen's Creamery, it was Avriett Dental.  Roger might have been Dr. Avriett's longest consistent patient. He introduced me to Dr. Avriett after we were engaged. I changed dentists immediately after meeting him and have never looked back.  It's about time for Dr. Avriett to retire, but I will always love him. He always told me that my teeth were good and he never made any money off of me. Always with a laugh, of course.   He and Roger had really long visits. They were not so much about repairing teeth as they were about Tennessee Vols football.   No matter the time of year that the visit fell, there was a chat about football. Vols football.  "Old Doc" might retire, but "young Doc - Alan - followed in "Old Doc's" footsteps, so our teeth are in good hands!

I'm glad for tradition. I'm glad that our little dental office did not meet the wrecking ball when the practice moved down the street and grew. I'm glad we have this little community meeting place called the "Creamery."  I hope it stands for a long time.

I'm glad that Roger got to view his favorite little town and the people in it from this bench. It is on Main Street, with a great view of the Police Station, Town Hall, and the roundabout.

On his final afternoon run, a year ago, he followed his favorite course. Our house - south to the Isleworth wall - north on Main Street to Allen's.  Cup of coffee enjoyed from his bench.

From that bench on that Monday afternoon, he enjoyed greetings from quite a number of local friends and quite a few children - young people that he loved. "Hi, Mr. Roger!"   He loved it. I know he was smiling, laughing, waving back.

Off to finish the run......

North on Main street to the canal bridge.  Turn around and head home, south on Main Street.

The only difference this time was that at First and Main, he entered his portal to Heaven.

In an instant.
But not alone.   Jesus never leaves us alone.

I'm thankful for each person who was there with him at that time.

Susan, who was minding her own business, driving home after a stressful afternoon, but saw Roger and knew she would cross paths with him at the intersection and that he would stop to talk to her...and even more, that he would improve her day.
She turned the corner, rolled down the window, and was there the very second he was in distress.
And she jumped into action to help.   Calling 911, helping him, seeing that family was reached....  She was likely the last face he saw on earth, and it was the smiling face (always smiling) of someone who loved seeing him.

The mystery runner that we never found. We call him an angel on the run.

The detective who saw an incident and stopped to assist.

The WPD officer, Jeff, who still checks in on us regularly.

Ocoee Engine 39 - they responded so quickly, worked diligently and never stopped.

And everyone we met at Health Central, they never gave up even when logic said to do so.

That does not even count the friends who came running immediately.

In so many ways, it still seems like yesterday, and yet a year has passed.

But in this past year, God has shown Himself to us in so many ways. We determined that we would continue to live and continue to laugh and do our very best to encourage others in any and every situation where our paths crossed with someone else.

For the most part, I think we did ok.  I know for a fact that I experienced this "mysterious thing" -  this amazing, most wonderful part of the walk of a Believer - called "The Comforter."

It really is something, someone, you can not explain, but it is far more than just a word, or something that in my own existence I can think of as comfort. I mean, how do you find comfort when your soul mate is gone? How do you find comfort when your very existence is so totally turned upside down?  How do you find comfort when experiencing such sadness?

There is no explanation except that God promised it to His Children.

His Child.  This is no small thing.  His Child, because years ago I made that decision to follow Christ and try my best, with His help, to follow His leading....not by works, not by doing stuff, but simply by trusting Him, in faith.  

Life has it's ups and downs, for sure, but the older I get, the more I appreciate this thing called the Christian Life. It is not something so mysterious. It is not mystical. It is not something to fear. And most of all, it is not something where you have to be perfect, or close to it, before you can become a part of it.

What it is though, is a personal choice. No one could make that decision for Roger, nor for me, nor for any family member, or friend, or reader.  It is the truest of DIY projects, I guess. You have to Do It Yourself - ask for forgiveness, not from some 'big sin' - but man, life itself is almost a sin, isn't it? I mean, how in the world do we do anything that pleases God in and of ourselves? In this day and age, no one really wants to call anything sin. It causes too much discomfort, or offense, or lack of consideration.  One man's sin is another man's pleasure. (What is right in your own eyes, God calls it)  But to God - well, that is for another day. We each will face Him in due time, like it or not, believe it or not.  That is pretty simple.

No matter how hard any of us try, we still exit this earth with plenty of 'sin' on our plate - yet God is still there, still loves, accepts, forgives.  Sometimes people know the days are few - and that might be a gift.  If Roger knew, he never let anyone else know, but I think he didn't know the day or the hour  - but he was one with His Saviour that day.  Sometimes I just wish I could hear his thoughts from that afternoon. He never ran with music, only with his thoughts. He was ready for eternity. His life, which we have examined for a year now, showed us that.  But he was not perfect. None of us are.

But he is enjoying the glory of Heaven, of Christ, of Eternity.

And we are enjoying - we are enjoying earthly life because The Comforter - who I have come to believe is Christ - revealing Himself in many ways, from the mystery runner, to the friends, to even random things like cardinals appearing at the perfect time - just little things - He shows that He cares and that He has never left us. And He never will. I fully believe that.

So - for a year - He has shown me so much. And I surely do hope He does not have a deadline of a year, like I planned to have with writing and recording memories.

I love that God allowed me to be able to see Roger and record memories of the most random things, both big and small.  A gift for my children, I decided at first.  I think it was more a gift for me.

As Jacob and I placed flowers at First and Main, like we often do, we also enjoyed the new little plants at the base of the little pine tree that sits closest to Roger's 'Portal."

We guessed that Susan had been there.  We can't wait to see the flowers bloom and have guessed that they might be red.

Roger's favorite color was red. Red also means Fire Department.

Roger's Lesson:  Red also means Blood of Christ and that is the most important thing to remember about red, because with out the cleansing power of that blood, your eternity is going to be mighty bleak. 

Tonight, reflecting back on my day of Feb. 10, I feel like I might write some more.  Today, I just do not know if I will write again.

Tonight, I think the drama of February 2014 was only practice for the coming drama of 2015.  Writing was really good 'therapy' for me - if we call it that.  Looking back, I can see where God has brought me and things He has taught me. Hopefully I have grown. Hopefully my faith is stronger.

We hope the 2015 drama will be easy drama, but we have no idea. What we do know is that Jesus carried us through 2014 and He will carry us through 2015  - and beyond.

And I am so thankful for the many people for whom I prayed on this special day. Crossing paths - destined by God - is a really good thing.

One Year

February 10, 2015

I would say that he should be 72 - except that I accept that God's ways are perfect, so stepping into eternity at 71 years and 24 days was God's perfect timing.

Roger's last birthday was a fun time. Birthdays always were.  Only time would reveal that something that Kristin's family did on "Roro's birthday weekend" would have an impact a year later.  He loved that they went camping, and he loved that they celebrated his birthday before camping.  And nothing made him happier than his grandchildren.


How do you miss someone so much?   42 years is a long time - how much harder it must be when you have been together, 50, 60 or more.

It is midnight.  I hit the deadline.  I got my blogging caught up before then end of 'The Year."

It is a fresh start.

Today we will remember all that we set before us one year ago today.

We said that we would keep laughing. We did.
We said that we would stay positive and let God get us through this. We did.
We said that we would not forget the great life we had together. We have not.

Oh sure, there have been tears. Lots of them. We came to realize though that they were tears of our sadness, our grief, our loss. Not tears of Roger roaming in eternity, or destined for the vast unknown. We know where he is and that he is whole and happy and would not come back even if he could.

All in all though, I know he would be so proud of his children and grandchildren. Kristin, Karin, Jim, Jacob and Emily have been stronger and achieved more than they probably ever imagined they would. Jacob is an amazing young middle school man and such a blessing - every single day.  Emily keeps us laughing. She is not afraid of anything and has accepted her loss most graciously. He would be so proud of his little girl - his mini-Kristin.  He invested well.

The writing - blogging - has helped me a lot. I am happy to have recorded a year of memories that I was so terrified that I would forget. Of course, there is so much more. There always will be, but to be able to leave my thoughts for my children - hopefully that will bless them as much as it has helped me to journey through a really great loss.

Today I will be praying for and thanking God for the people who made Roger's life so much richer than it might have been without them.

I will think of his co-workers and dear friends at KSC. All those guys that he called 'darlin' and 'sweetie' - it is still funny - and it surely leaves a certain silence for them - still. They meant so much to him. The fire department is a true 'brotherhood' - much like church, they watch out for one another - most have similar values and all have a heart for service.

I will think of neighbors who just knew him as Roger in the swing, but not a whole lot about his totally interesting life, because he wanted to know about them - not talk about himself. He loved his little community and the people in it.

I will think of friends from church who have been in our lives for oh so many years.  He immediately started joining me at my church when we first began dating. He never looked back. That was his habit - not spending time looking back. Always forward. Always something new to experience.  It is pretty special to have friends with same values and the same eternal destiny. Near or far, they are never forgotten.

I will think of family who loved him dearly. Some longer than others. He had a whole lot of cousins - girls under-foot he would say - but oh how he loved them.  He would say that being an only child was great because he could escape when he got tired of them.  I doubt that he ever really got tired of his crazy cousins, but it made a good story. And good stories - he was full of them.

I will think of those first responders who answered the call that Monday afternoon. They were just doing their job, but they took such good care of him. They never stopped trying to revive him, even though they surely knew that his departure was instant. Such compassion.

Yes, today I will think of others who made Roger's life richer. He had 71 years of rich living. His living involved people and not things.

Task oriented person that I am, shy and introverted - I wonder if I will ever get it.

Time may - or may not - be short. I sure hope I get it!

Roger's Lesson:   He never liked all the fuss about birthdays, but did like the food. He would tell me not to make a fuss and that he is on birthday #1 in eternity and those years are never going to end. 

And I know he is right.
God's ways, God's timing
Perfect

He did say, after all, that death will not win.