Missing my Historian

No, I'm not preaching or going all political tonight. I am just missing Roger's take on current events and Bible prophecy. He was fascinated with current events, politics and the reasons behind decisions that were being made, and Scripture. He studied all the time, but not in that paper and notes all over the place kind of way. He had a practically photographic memory, so if he read it, he generally remembered it.  I, on the other hand have to write it down or it is gone gone gone - fast! Different kind of learners! 

In Downtown Winter Garden, I wandered into the new Zion's Hope bookstore. This is Marv Rosenthal's baby, the man who originally came up with the Holy Land Experience right here in Orlando. Back in the day, it was not profitable, but it surely was interesting - Roger especially loved the Scriptorium and the model of Jerusalem. He was fascinated with Jewish history and merged that knowledge into his teachings of World War II and todays current events. And Marv publishes this neat little magazine and now has a community Bible study. He would have loved it! 

Right now, I can't even believe that I have no clue what is going on in the Middle East, or in hurricane alley, for that matter. I don't turn on the tv much these days, unless it is for noise, and then it is HGTV.  I always thought that I loved politics and history and current events. I am finding out that I loved talking with Roger about politics and history and current events. 

In Life Groups we are in Ezekiel, going over the Babylonian Captivity - three waves of it. This would make for such interesting conversation with Roger! His favorite books of the Bible were Ezekiel, Daniel and The Revelation. 

I will say this - he looked forward to eternity. He loved watching the signs of the times, and he believed that we were definitely picking up speed toward that day when Jesus returns.  He never stopped living, but he did keep his eyes on the Eastern Skies! 

I always thought he would have made a most amazing history teacher. I guess he was one actually - on a one to one basis, to anyone who had the same interests or wanted to know more. I'm glad that I love history and we enjoyed the same things. I'm sure that love will return in due time. 

He would have signed up right away for our Pastor's trip  to the Holy Land for next year. It was one trip he really wanted to take - but only with Bro. Clayton.  Today I found out that Bro. Dexter is going. Wow - that would have been some rip-roarin' trip with those three on board!  I guess he actually has a much better seat now - and definitely more leg room! 

Part of me wants to flip on the news and find out what is going on - and then I just can't. Not yet. You can't really listen to the news - and the spin - and get much out of it when you are crying.  

Roger's Lesson: He would tell me to keep studying but to always remember to take what I hear on tv and radio and line it up with the truth I read in the Bible. He would say that people have the right to believe whatever they want about 'end times' and 'eternity' and all of that. But he would also add that if you don't believe, and end up wrong because the Bible is correct - think where you will be. But if you believe, and then find out that the Bible is not correct - well, really, would you be worse off?

All in all, good food for thought. 

We both believe the Bible is true, from God, and that you can't really pick and choose the parts you like. Two decisions in life are most important - who you marry, and where you will spend eternity - the rest, you can make adjustments on to some degree. He made pretty swell decisions on both counts, I think! 

And yes, he is probably wondered if I was REALLY listening (and remembering) when he explained about the Medes and the Persians and all of those old guys. I could have been more focused, but that photographic memory is a nice thing to have as well! 

I'll get back to it, current events, I promise. Election season is coming around. I am already praying for our candidates and for the heart and souls of our leaders. But for the grace of God, I think we are in pretty tough trouble here, but then, this is a journey, this earthly thing.  It is practice for a wonderful eternity - a great one, if we decide rightly. God's gift, available to all. John 3:16

Yes Roger, your quick exit reminds me daily that when the trumpet sounds and Jesus fills the Eastern Skies - I will exit just as fast as you did. No, faster, because I will not make a stop at the ER.  Anxiously awaiting, darlin'!

Coconut Husks

Busy busy. Lately I have started calling home 'fluid' because things seem to just flow from one room to the next, of course, eventually heading to the garage and out to parts unknown. (well, known...Goodwill)

Today as the afternoon breezes began to collide (from the Atlantic and the Gulf, meeting in Central Florida) I made my way to the garage to organize my newly cleaned painting supplies and store them until my next brainstorm hit.

One project turned into the next. Organize Karin's pink tool bag. That lead to cleaning off to the workbench, which lead to deciding that the cubbies outside my kitchen door needed attention. I store my water bottles in this location, but it quickly becomes a catch all for all sorts of stuff.  It is always an adventure to clean out.  I pulled something out of one cubby, and oh goodness! Look what I found! 
This little mess that I somehow destroyed was at one time a birds nest! 

I recognized the coconut husk fibers from my gardening baskets, as well as dryer lint and assorted strings. 

In 35 years of leaving my garage door open much of the time, I have to say that we have never had a birds nest in the garage!

Seeing this brought me back to the days after February 15th, Roger's funeral.  I recall that during that particular week I would frequently open the kitchen/garage door and cardinals would take flight. I recall wondering what it the world they were doing, but finally figured that they were picking up things for feathering their nests - it was coming into springtime, after all. I soon discovered that my coconut just basket liner was slowly disappearing too! 

As it turns out, one little mother was building her nest right in that cubby! 

Roger and I have enjoyed watching cardinals in the springtime for decades. He would always point it out when he saw one, resting in the hibiscus bush, or back in the day, in the navel orange tree. Maybe he loved them because they were red- fire department colors, of course.  He would see the male and then always look for the female, not quite as colorful, but generally very much nearby. 

This year I became used to the cardinals in the garage and rather enjoyed it. Maybe because we watched them for so many years, I just decided that the cardinal would be 'our bird' and whenever I saw one, I would be sure to think of something wonderful. 

It was pretty interesting to find this nest this evening. Roger had not been gone a week, and there she was, mother cardinal, feathering a nest about as close to me as you could get without being in the house.  I'll just say that he was keeping a close watch over me. Very cool and thank you, Lord. And I did not even know!   

I realized tonight that God is so like that, in so many ways. He knows what we need, He has his eye on things, and He provides, even when we don't think to ask - and often before we even realize that we could have asked.  What a sweet comfort. 

It reminded me of this morning dove that once built a nest over the porch light at my parent's house. Mama would never take it down just because it looked messy. She would open the door and just look at the bird and tell others to be quiet and enter gently. Kindred spirit kind of thing? I don't know.  I do know that after she died, we never saw another morning dove nest on the front porch light.  I also know that almost 16 years later, when daddy died, my siblings saw not one, but two morning doves sitting in a a tree beside the pool, just watching them - and then they flew away together. And we never saw morning doves at the house after that.   

I guess I missed the baby cardinals. I just was not as observant as I could have been. I don't know if I will see cardinals in the garage next spring, but I will buy a coconut husk basket, just in case!  

I do know that Roger loved seeing the bright red male cardinals, but he was always looking for the female nearby.  I love that and it is even more special today.  So often I find myself thinking that Roger is just having such a grand old time in Heaven that he probably has forgotten all about the busy-ness of life on earth - and the loneliness.  But maybe not. Maybe this little cardinal lesson will remind me that he will continue to watch for and wait for his female.   Maybe our children and grandchildren will get to see a whole lot of cardinals one day when I join him! 

Roger's Lesson:  He would probably laugh at my sentimentality and say "Unbelievable, Darlin' - but those cardinals are always beautiful, just like you."  

Smart words, my man! 

I know he is not on the sidelines in Heaven. He is busy locating all of his great historical figures, the ones who lived with purpose and God's calling. He is enjoying being in the presence of Jesus.  And I think God gives me these little perks just to remind me that he cares about the flowers of the field, and the tiniest sparrow, and yes, the beautiful cardinals.....and He cares about me so much more. 

I surely don't want to stay so busy that I forget these things! 
What a blessing today!   Something sunny and wonderful in the midst of this rain storm. 
Only God can do that! 

Bogged Down

Today's discovery leads me to the earth shattering reality that while we often organize closets and other spaces, there is a reason that we rarely, if ever, totally clean them out. Now I know why this closet has not been painted for 30 years! 

I happen to be an uber-organized being and other than the number of trips it took to get things out of the closet, everything was nice and tidy in ROY G BIV order.  No need for before and after shots here! But goodness! The stuff! 

Watching these HGTV shows always inspires me to organize something else. But really, is that the best use of my time on this earthly journey? Roger, recipient of an orderly life, would say "not really."  He really did not require so much of my organizational time. His belongings only needed organizing because I bought him stuff, therefore it all had to fit in it's proper home.  Left to his own devices, he would have had only three pairs of shoes (two, shiny black. One for work and one to break in on Sundays so they would be ready for work) and a pair of sneakers. Sneakers, only because we finally got him to stop wearing black shiny shoes to Disney - although that only happened in the last five years.    He would have had two pairs of work pants and maybe two for Sunday, but would have preferred only one.  Two pairs of jeans, ONLY Levi 517s though. Seven polos would have been extreme and 2 running shorts and tees would have been fine. Stiffly starched button down collar short sleeved only dress shirts - two would be fine, maybe three. Socks and skivvies, of course.   What else would a man need, right? A jacket! Only if forced upon him. 

Those old houses with the teeny tiny closets - ah, perfect for Roger. A hook behind the door would even have been fine.   Yes, there are people who live that simply.   

I balanced him out.  

Today I am not so sure that was a good balance.  One thing for sure, all of this stuff is not going back into my newly painted closet.  I think part of the closet problem is the multiple sizes problem. Why do we need a new wardrobe for every size that we become?  My new method is going to be to pick a size and keep those clothes  - the size I need to be.  Keep minimal of any other size and refuse to buy anything else except something in the newly appointed perfect size.  In theory, I would then wear the same clothing over and over until I was pretty tired of it and got to that perfect size. (Not perfect as in magazine perfect either)   OK....that is probably a dream. 

The good thing is that I don't have a gazillion bucks tied up in wardrobe ~ which also contributes to the  problem, in all likelihood! I can actually afford to toss things to the fine folks at Goodwill! Share the joy! 

Roger would just be shaking his head at all of this and hoping the bed would be cleared off by dinner time.  He would also be lending a hand with this miserable painting experience as long as I kept the coffee fresh and his cup filled. (His multi-fill, paper only, Dunkin' Donuts cup.)   I am almost tempted to brew a pot just so I can pretend that it is him painting and not me.  (Wish I knew the recipe!) 

Roger's Lesson:  "You look beautiful when you wear your favorite color and it can be the same outfit every day. You don't need all of that stuff - after all - you can't take it with you, so don't let it bog you down on the journey."    

Yes, I have heard that, time and again. He was right. 

Do I have the power to change? We shall see. 

Break over. Back to the brushes. 

For the love....

Procrastination. Sometimes that is my middle name. I have always seemed to work best under pressure and somehow manage to push through. Often I pay for it later, but I hit the deadline.  Not a good plan.

Honey-Do List: 2013-2014.
* Paint the bedroom. I will happily do the trim work. Only.

Let's see. This came up around January 2013. It was time. It had been a few years and Roger had only painted for Karin in recent years.  It was my turn.

Things kept coming up. Couldn't decide on new linens. Couldn't find my exact heart's desire of a paint color.  It's too cold. It's too hot.  We have something to do this week, so wait a week. Plans go on and on. We'll get to it.   January 2014, it was still on the list. Trip to France, get taxes ready for Mike, therapy appointments, let's go to lunch today, misc whatever it is that we used to do during the week, and then  "Take the taxes in and let's get this thing off the list, ok?" That last one was the morning of February 10.

He was willing and I stalled. There has to be a scripture somewhere that says ..."Hello there, do it today!"

Give me a canvas or  let me paint a mural on a wall, and I am all in. Right there, ready to go.  Give me a wall with ONE Shade of paint and UGH! I will avoid it like the plague.

Roger, on the other hand was ready to go if I had the paint. He would help me pile everything into the middle of the room, cover it with a painter's canvas or plastic, try to encourage me to get the trim started (which I generally did once I realized that he was TERRIBLE at trim work - my ceilings still have evidence of early paint color changes) and he would go make coffee.

Once I was ready, the rules were simple.
    1- get me a radio
    2-get me a fan
    3- keep my coffee cup filled.
    NO PROBLEM?
    (Leave me alone and don't check up was only slightly problematic)

I will never forget the day that I decided the hall should be yellow, not blue. It might have been the first room I let him have a go at on his own. I mean, how can painting a hall go badly?  It was an overnight brainstorm and he was ready for a change. He had the day off and I could stay out of his hair.  The blue was too dark for him, he wanted it lighter.  Sure! "Go get the paint, honey, yellow will be fine."  I learned my lesson that day when the girls and I came in from school.  We had in mind light, airy, butter yellow.  When we walked in, we could see the hall! "Who left the lights on?"

No lights were on.  Get it?....this thing was only slightly off of NEON yellow!

That might have been one of the biggest laughs of our lives, and the funniest thing was...he liked it!

I might as well have suggested Fire Department Safety Yellow.  All we needed was a flashing light!

Seriously, who goes to pick out paint and gets the loudest, brightest, most unbelievably bright yellow on the color cards?  That would be, Roger Tome.

Ah, I never did let Roger pick out paint by himself ever again, and oh, how I wish that I had kept a camera handy back in those days. (Film...pricey...we did not keep a record of every breath back in those days!) This is one of the memories I will have forever etched in my mind - in living color, no less!

I am laughing today to take my mind off of wanting to whine. (as in, my wrist hurts, the arthritis in my thumb hurts, my elbow hurts, I need a back rub, my shoulder hurts, can I have some more alive?) Whining is no good because Roger is not here to bail me out. I can promise myself an epsom salt soak at the end of the day, but that's about it.  Ouch, my neck just crackled too!

Roger's Lesson:  Team up and push through. Get 'er done and don't save it til tomorrow because there might be something really great to do.

In other words, dig in and don't procrastinate.
Will I ever learn that lesson?

I would not bet on it!

Missing you today baby, in ways I never expected. I am not quite as self sufficient as I would like to think that I am. I'm trying to smell the coffee, and wish I were at Macy's.

This new paint does not even make it smell like you just painted. It just is not the same without you.

And I might add, that there is one thing you did NOT teach your girls. ...

The love of painting a wall for their mother. 

Fed Ex Calling!

Is staying busy the secret to making time pass quickly? I don't know, but I think it makes you not focus on but one thing at a time. After keeping my nose glued to the computer screen in order to meet my photo album deadline - last and final - I finally rose to the surface for a breath of fresh air. Whew! That was intense!

Off to the next item on the to-do list. Roger and I had made quite  a hefty one in January, so I have plenty to keep me busy for quite some time. I put the album in the back of my mind, it takes a while to produce it, after all.

Notification - don't I just love email?!  A package has been delivered to your front door by FedEx.  Interestingly, I was sitting right in the family room and heard NOTHING. I'm not quite sure what this says about my hearing. Nonetheless, I checked and YESSSSSS!  A big ole box of books!

And of course, I had to have a moment to sit quietly because in past years, Roger has picked up that big ole box for me. He has grabbed the knife to open it, and we have enjoyed the first copy of the book, together.  Bittersweet, this delivery.

He only looked at a few photos on the computer. He preferred to see the book and read the story.
BIG MISTAKE ROGER!   Well, at least we got to share the photos from Normandy and Pointe du Hoc.   Actually, at this moment in time, I doubt that it matters much to him. He has more wonderful things to focus on.

But in this lifetime, on this earthly journey, what in the world could be more wonderful than re-living a wonderful trip to France with some most amazing students.  I am blessed that he always wanted me to travel.  A lot of husbands would not have said 'sure, be gone for two weeks while I fend for myself."    As I also came to learn, the girls got a whole lot of one to one time with their daddy while I was away. I think we will always be so thankful for that.

I'll fix a cup of tea and sit down with my book. I will probably imagine what he would be saying and how he would be telling me more about Normandy than I already learned. I will think about how often we talked about our own trip to the places where his dad served in WWII and I will miss him more than I typically do on a daily basis.

And I will hear him, his lesson:  "Kiddo, you just have to make your plans and keep doing the things that you love and that make you grow. You can't just sit around."  

" Kiddo" - his dad, Papa, called everyone kiddo...I don't even know what made me think of that.

Maybe Roger and Papa are chatting about Normandy today.
This I know for sure, what ever it is that you do in Heaven until the trumpet sounds and all of the believers are called up there, I know it is good and I know it is happy, and I know it has a purpose which is to glorify God.

And that is pretty much what we need to keep in practice down here....

Honey-do

 It is hot! But it is not August. Or for that matter, October. Especially since retiring, I have come to really enjoy gardening and just being out in the yard. I can't take the heat and when I sweat, I know it is time to get on the couch, but overall, I like yard work.  It makes for a good reason to get up early. 

As long as I don't use power tools at the break of day, the neighbors are fine with it too. And the yard is looking mighty green these days. New life. That is also a good reminder that God still wants life going on here.

Since February, my typical month for living in the yard, things have gotten a little ahead of me. Plants don't stop growing even if I stop getting out to tend to them. 

Roger and I made this wonderful list in January. We listed all of the things that we hoped we would accomplish around the olde homestead before Christmas rolled around again. I called it "Roger's Honey-do List" because some of those things needed the cheerleader (me) involved so that his strength could accomplish what needed to be done.  

For one, we have 35 years worth of bromeliad growth. I have managed them over the years - well, contained them, perhaps. If I could catch him just before or just after a run, then I could get 30 minutes, not more, of pulling out of him. That would equal 5 cans filled, and then he was finished - out of cans! (Never mind that I had black plastic bags at the ready!) 

And that's how life went, until we made our little list this year. Finally....were we going to get dead trees removed and replant something else over the bromeliads - bromeliads which house mosquitos all summer.  I somehow doubted it, but it was fun to dream.

Interesting how Roger has avoided that rather long and detailed Honey-do list.  I know he did not plan it this way, but I guess that would be another way of saying "I won!"  He has the joy of Heaven and he wasted not a second pulling out bromeliads.   His philosophy of "if God wants it out, he will drop it and I will pick it up and take it to the street."......actually worked. 

For him.

Maybe it is because my dad grew up on a farm, that we were taught not to pay for something you can darned well do for yourself. Maybe it is because he believed that hard work kept kids out of trouble.  Maybe it is because he loved the great outdoors and nurturing things to grow that we learned to love it too. .... I just do not know, but I do have this itch to have a green thumb. 

Landscaping is artistic. This should be easy. 

But those crazy bromeliads were just going to sit there because I knew from the depths of my being that I was not, emphasis on NOT, going to stick my arms down into those creepy looking things where who knows what might be living. I knew they had a shallow root system and I knew they had little prickles that would scratch up your arms, and that they stink because they hold water, and leaves, and decomposition in that little whatever you call it that holds the flower.  Yes...pay someone to do a job you can not do for yourself. This definitely qualified! 

God sends comfort and He sends blessings and my goodness, He sends help when you need it. My help came in the form of two delightful young men, one who just graduated from high school and the other on his way. Both could have been at the beach on this wonderful summer day, but no, they came out bright and early to tackle my bromeliads.  Young men with a heart of service, who are smart as can be, but also know how to use the strength of their arms and backs to do an icky job.  Rare breed, I must say!  Accolades to moms and dads who spend childhood years teaching, because this does not come naturally. It takes practice. And such gentlemen too! 

And fast....brothers, working together, never a harsh or smart-alecky  word between them, teaming up to make fast work of it. And they cleaned up too! What an enjoyable morning for me! I was so blessed!

Roger's Lesson:  I told you, there is always someone who will do the job you think has to be done. You would not have wanted to shortchange these young men or rob them of the ability to bless someone, would you?  

Oh, I can hear him now! But he knew these guys and while he would not have let them come work when he could still think about pulling those plants out himself, I know he is mighty glad that they were here today. He thought they were pretty swell fellas himself!

And yes, I gave them some green....but they did not ask for it. 

It is breezing up - I am going to go and sit in my non-mosquito garden for a while. 
Maybe a red cardinal will come to visit! 

B3 - Blessed Beyond Belief

Simply the BEST! 

It is Father's Day. These Hallmark moments seem to be the most difficult of all. I've always thought that you should show people daily how much you care about them and not save it up for once a year Hallmark moments.  

Now I think that the emotion only one time a year might be less exhausting. It is another one of those wave moments. Major wave. 

Today I am thinking about our little girls. Oh, they are not so little anymore, but to a mom and dad, they are always little girls. I know they miss their daddy today, more than on most days. It's that Hallmark moment thing, I'm sure. I'm just as sure though, that he knew every moment of every day how much he was loved by them. And they by him.  He might have worked 24 hour shifts, but he was home with them more than most dads we knew who worked a 9-5 job with all kinds of meetings at church. 

These three had fun fun times together. He taught them how to appreciate the simple things in life. He taught them how to love each other and watch out for each other and take care of each other. He was a daddy to girls, for sure. I am not quite sure what he would have done with a boy. His quiver was full with these two! 

I remember when I told him that we were going to have a baby. Roger had just turned 32 and I was almost 23. Back in the day you did not find out so early, nor have sonograms, nor know what in the world you were having, except that it would be a human baby.
I surprised him with a nice dinner at a fancy French restaurant. While we were waiting for our dinner and just chatting, I surprised him with the wonderful but a little bit terrifying news. I was 23 and clueless about what was about to happen to my life!  I think he was speechless, happy, but speechless. He hardly even touched his fancy meal and left a really really big tip on the table as we left. I was too young to know what was really going on in his head. Maybe he never thought about being a dad. Maybe he was excited that this was a reality. We had to go back to the apartment to call our parents...because back in the day, phones did not come with us.  It was a pretty exciting time in our lives. To say I was pampered would be putting it lightly. August 7 came and went with no baby. I was a baby beluga and floated in the swimming pool as often as possible. Finally, after being well more than over-due, the doctor had plans to 'get that baby.' We bought food for the shift and took it to Ralph Abel, had a walk around 'The Senator' at Big Tree Park, and put the bag in the car before we settled in for the night. Surprise of all surprises though, God was going to beat that doctor to the delivery table and we headed off to the hospital. I found out on that trip that Roger knew every brick road from Casselberry to Downtown Orlando - and he took each one of them! It is a wonder our new little baby was not dizzy by the time she arrived! And it was a quick delivery, he had planned ahead because the x-ray (seriously! Not even ultrasound was around yet!) had said that this was a 'big-un.'  True to form at 12:16 AM on August 27, our 10 lb. 0 oz. baby girl had arrived.  I can still hear Dr. Startzman say 'It's a girl!" before I drifted back into my little baby coma.  Things were different back then, but I remember being elated that we had a baby girl!  She was a joy from day one, and never has changed! She had him wrapped around her little pink finger from the very start too!  I think one of the happiest days in his life was when she moved back to town. Thank you Jim, for that move! 

By the time baby girl #2 arrived, we were settled in at PHCA and rolling along with all of the things that 4 year olds do to keep them busy and learning. Roger always thought that being an 'only child' was just about perfect, so he was quite content. I call Karin our little miracle because she was all about God's timing. 
Since Kristin had a hard time with the concept of actually sleeping for 8 hours straight, I was not at all sure that I was up to another round of wakefulness and I asked God for a baby that would sleep. He granted that request beautifully and she got the Underwood sleep gene, as opposed to the Wilamoski non-sleep gene.  (Papa - a Tome - could sleep but Nani, not so much) 
Karin was such a fun roly-poly baby and to listen to Nani, she was so much like Roger as a baby. Imagine that, Kristin like me, Karin like Roger. Go figure! 
You always wonder how you could possibly have enough love to stretch around to another sibling, but Roger sure did. Karin had him wrapped around her little finger too! And that never really ended. 

Roger was one great daddy and nothing made me happier than to watch him with our girls. 

Today, between the tears of missing him, I am trying to focus on the little things that made life what it was.  We had crazy good times. Not lavish, not eccentric, not over the top, but we enjoyed being together as a family. 

 I realize that above all I am particularly blessed that we live close together and we don't drive each other too crazy too much of the time. I realize how much Roger led us, even when we often thought that he was too much in a hurry.  Now I think he was in a hurry because there was so much he still wanted us to learn. I hope that I can stay aware to those teachings. 

Roger's Lesson: Oh I know that he would say about Father's Day - "Don't get me anything"  or "Let's go (insert anywhere), I got this!"

Now we finally realize that it was not being nice, it was because he really had no need for earthly goods.  And because he was generous, but also because he wanted us to save for a rainy day. 

We were do different in so many ways, and yet, now I see more than ever, that God put us together to balance us out. It is funny that what sometimes irritates us, really is God showing us where we need to balance it out.  I'd like some little irritations today. 

All in all though, for a Father's Day without a dad, it is really different. I'm so thankful for Jim, who is an unbelievably great dad, and for the blessings of our girls who are who they are because of Roger.  Blessed Beyond Belief. I will focus on that thought for the rest of this day! 

Confidential

It makes practical sense to finish what I started before posting what I am thinking about today. 

What a week. VBS. Paperwork. Will the paperwork NEVER end?  I am a task oriented gal, but glory, I am ready to close the folders on some of this stuff. I should not say stuff. It is details of life that you have to deal with before moving on. Maybe I just don't want to move on, so I let the paperwork drag on. Maybe if I don't finish it, this new life of mine is still just something surreal and not the actual life I am living? Maybe I just need to close the file drawers and get on with it. There is such a dizzying variety of emotion going on here. 

The kids are in VBS this week - Agency D3 - Discover, Decide, Defend.  It is actually a really good program! It is all "mission impossible' without Tom Cruise. Truth is what they are talking about. Real truth. Real reality. Sometimes it is just so much easier to live in a dream world, your own version of reality. I am beginning to see why some people turn to other things to help them cope. None of the things the world has to offer really entice me, thankfully, but I do see how the pain can be so deep that it seems like you never are going to see daylight again.  I also am so glad that as a family, we decided to face this thing with thankfulness and praise, no matter how hard, and at times impossible, that seems to be possible to do.  
Roger loved VBS and loved sitting in the assembly and watching Jacob on the stage. He loved watching them involved in things that really matter in life. Learning more about God matters. Knowing Him personally matters. It matters more than anything else we ever do. 
I enjoyed our lunches after VBS this year. My chatty babies...ah, no they are not babies, and they will be grown up far too soon! 

Friday brought 'take down and reset' for another VBS. It was fun to be included, though I was behind the curve, not seeing the vision for the new space or totally knowing what needed to be done. It all came together. This 'being the volunteer' thing is new for me. For decades I have been the one in charge, the one with the vision, the one who had to help the wonderful worker bees catch the vision and pull it all together.  I had a great team too, the ones developing the vision. It was great fun. Much more fun than work.  I always valued our volunteers and it is kind of fun to be in their shoes now, even though I have to constantly remind myself to not take over.  

I saw the word CONFIDENTIAL so many times in this project. CONFIDENTIAL. Stuff that is really really important but not necessarily to be shared, except to those who need to know. That's what the search for truth was all about, I suppose. Getting to be the one who needed to know! 

My week involved a lot of confidential business. It is so remarkable to me the way God just works things out before you even know that you need something. How in the world was I ever going to keep all of the different aspects of my new financial life in order? I stopped spinning plates (multi-tasking - doing so many things in the span of the same time and space) - stopped that 3 years ago. I don't want to do that anymore. It makes my brain tired and new studies show that multi-tasking is not really the best thing for the brain - focus is best. God knows this. He had a plan before I asked. Before I even realized what my need was. 

Roger always loved laughter. Even when he was doing serious stuff, like finances, he would stop and tell a story while I would want him to be serious and stay on task. God has a way of reminding me to lighten up. This lawyer, oh my goodness! Between the financial advisor and the lawyer - well, the lights should have been going on and off all afternoon - Roger must not have found the fuse box, because he would have been right in the middle of their laughter. Here we were talking about wills and inheritance and all of that rather grim stuff - and stockpiling Folgers.  Roger would have been hysterical.  Somehow, I knew that I was in the right place and once again, God assured me that He had my 'new future' quite under control. How refreshing to know that there are many many people in this world who get up each morning, asking God to direct their path, and He just does it. He meets the needs of many because people just let him guide their steps.

I am finishing my week on an up-beat in many ways, all the while, with this anticipation and heaviness over me. I know what it is. It is Father's Day weekend and I don't know what to expect. I don't want to cry all weekend. I want to stay in this happy, laughing place with kids and people who just help out because God leads them to do it. 

I hurt so much for my girls, but I know that God will get us through this. 

Roger's Lesson:  It was was a good earthly walk, while it lasted. Just remember that. Keep laughing. Keep doing what you have to do. Keep looking for the future. Just be ready to depart, because eternity is better! 

I know. I know. It is just so hard without you, sweetie! 

Tangled

For some reason I woke up at 6:15 this morning. That has not happened in a while. I was wide awake, so I got dressed and started the checklist. Garbage day, Recycle day.  

It is June in Florida and typically hot, but this morning was breezy and not particularly muggy. I found myself grabbing the garden gloves and hedge trimmer. I guess they were somewhat quiet tools for the morning.

It was refreshing to be back in the garden. The flowers are abundant, the few varieties that I seem to be able to successfully grow.  My new gardening philosophy is: buy plants on the 90% off rack. If they live where  you plant them, then buy more even if they are not on clearance.  So far it seems to be working. Bush daisies, pentas, and geraniums are plentiful and colorful right now. Even the bleeding heart has not totally bloomed out. What an appropriate plant for this year. 

I got ready with the hedge trimmer, for the overgrown flowers, not hedges and fired it up. Then I was startled by the red cardinal that flew right out of the flower bed, past me, and to the fig tree.  Pausing for a bit, I just watch him and he watched me. Cardinals always make me think of Roger. We loved watching them together and they have been so numerous this year. It is like all of the cardinals in town decided to visit here for the springtime.  

After a while, I got back to work, but kept glancing over my shoulder to check on the cardinal. He was still there, patiently waiting. Raking, filling cans with trimmings, picking myself up off the ground when the big lime green cord tripped me up....the morning passed and then it occurred to me that if Roger were home this morning he would have had a lesson for me.

Roger's Lesson:  Sweetie, don't have those rakes and cords dragging all over the place. You could trip and fall. And you really need to have a spotter in the garden with you because you don't always stay on task.

Ha! Some things never change. I guess there are just some lessons this girl is never going to learn. 

He's still right though. 

Blood

It has been hard to write today. There are just too many thoughts swirling around in my head. Yesterday was Emily's ballet recital. Roger took her to ballet almost every week and he loved to watch her dance. He always loved her confidence. She is so much like watching her mother as a little girl. Boy, that makes you sound old saying that though!

I was roasting beets this afternoon. Just staying busy on this 4 month "anniversary"...that sounds weird too. It is so hot outside so I just couldn't sit in the swing or chalk the sidewalk. I was cooking. Roger loved beets as does Karin, so I was cooking. Just as I was poking one of those roasting beets with a fork (for doneness) - the bright red juice began oozing out of the little prick hole and wouldn't you know it..my alarm buzzed and iPhone Siri said "Roger-Eternity." 

I wanted to just sit down and cry. I don't know why I still have that on my phone. Perhaps I am too afraid that I will forget. I never seem to remember birthdays on my own, after all.  

I thought about 4 months this morning while on my way to meet for breakfast with a sweet friend. While driving, I thought about how I had not smelled sausage cooking for 4 months. I don't even like sausage but I miss the smell. I still have not cleaned out the sausage splattered oven (which I had just cleaned after Christmas.)  She ordered sausage. She did not even know. Or maybe she had a sense, she is like that. Intuitive. Sausage. A message from Roger on this day perhaps? 

My brain, well, maybe my heart, has been all over the place this week. D-Day - World at War. I miss that with him. Rehearsal and Recital. He loved it. Celebration dinner for for summer. He loved celebration dinners. Celebration dinner for Emily - she requested stew - of course! Our version did not measure up. I told her that Ro Ro did not leave his recipe behind and we are still trying to figure it out. The front yard swing has been swinging back and forth like crazy today. It is almost as if someone is there, yet no one ever stops to sit and swing anymore. Walkers just pass on by. It was never the swing that they stopped for, it was Roger. I get it now. 

Remarkably, as I stuck that roasted beet at the moment my alarm buzzed, I had an interesting thought. It was a praise actually. Beet juice is very red, like fresh blood. I found myself thanking God for his mercy and grace  in that Roger did not suffer, he was not injured or broken or bleeding. He was here one moment and with Jesus the next, and it only left all of us perplexed. 

While he might have been as surprised as the rest of us that he was departing immediately, I know he was ready. He was ready because the blood of Christ had already covered him and made him acceptable to enter Heaven - for eternity - with Christ.  It was not anything he did, or who he was that got him there. It was the blood of Christ and that alone. 

Roger's Lesson: He actually spoke to me quite clearly today - I suppose through that roasting beet.  He was ready. Ready for eternity. Ready no matter the day or the hour, which we don't know in advance. 

He told a firefighter that on Sunday the 9th. I don't imagine that he was talking about running and having a heart attack either. I imagine that he just meant, that no matter what, he was prepared for eternity because the blood of Christ had paid for his sin, and he had already accepted that gift of salvation. He had assurance of that.

I've found myself saying a lot lately "what does it matter in eternity" and mostly in reference to all of the stuff I am processing OUT of my life right now. Stuff mostly. None of that stuff matters in eternity, even if it matters right now. Roger departed living light. He left with not much stuff to process. I am quickly finding that the less stuff I have around me, the more time I have for the things that really do matter in eternity.

I don't want to leave with a really long list. I long for eternity, with Christ, with Roger.  Now I am working on living it his way. With a short list. 

Beets. Blood of Christ. Salvation. Eternity with Him. 
Who would have thought....

Feet on the Ground.

Today is D-Day, 70 years later. I've had it on my mind all day, perhaps because I stood in this very spot at Pointe du Hoc, Normandy, France in  January.

Roger studied the war in Europe all the time. World at War was on tv all the time when he was home. I picked up a lot of that love by osmosis, I suppose, but it does make it more interesting to study something when you have a personal connection there. WWII Vets. A rare breed! Papa was one. Grandpa was one. Papa fought in France.

On D-Day 1944, Roger was just less than 18 months old. His dad had was in the Army and Roger and mother were supporting him from home, which at the time was in Cleveland, Ohio. (Surprise! Roger was not a southern boy!)

I can still hear her telling stories of those days with Roger, weathering the storm and the absence of Papa. He was overseas for almost 3.5 years. They talked to his picture every day. Roger and his dad had a great relationship. So many soldiers miss those baby years with their children and I know it is hard on them. Today I prayed for those families with young children. Tough on moms to make it through and so hard for children missing dad.

The monument in the photos was placed at Pointe du Hoc in memory of the Army Rangers who landed over 100 feet below, had to cross the beach, and climb to the top of the cliff, using their daggers to make their way up. Remarkable. They also had German artillery firing down on them.
Roger served with a Ranger battalion, so the Rangers were always special to him. He was happy that I took this photo for him. He knew a lot more about that battle at Pointe du Hoc than I did though! 

Ronald Reagan made a speech here in 1984 at the 40 year anniversary. How our country has changed in the 30 years since that speech, but oh, how these young people who still enlist in the military are still some of the most amazing in our country. I love to hear him speak, but the speech is just wonderful when read. I hope I never forget it. Ronald Reagan D-Day Speech 1984

This is the cliff to one side of the Pointe. The soldiers came across at high tide, or the beach would have been much wider. Ever played one of those shooting games at the arcade? It must have been like that for the Germans, in bunkers, at the top of the cliff. Our boys had to get across that beach before they could even take cover against the cliff. Their mission was to scale it in 2 minutes. That did not happen. This place was a greater challenge than they had expected, but they persevered, conquered and moved on toward liberating Normandy and then France.  Even after watching all of the shows with Roger, I never felt the strength of emotion until I set foot on that ground.

 On the way to the Pointe, we sort of heard the story backwards, which might have been hard for the kids. I wondered how they were grasping it all. After the fact, in reading their journals, I realized that this little walk had more impact than I had imagined. We had been talking about world-view. I think it was starting to connect.  Floridians might look at this image and say "Sinkhole?"  Oh, not that! Those are the craters from bombs dropped by the allied forces, trying to take out those German bunkers. If we'd had the technology of today and the willpower and determination of 70 years past, I wonder how long the war might have lasted. It took 4 years once we were involved.  It is sad the way wars go on for decades these days. Roger always had comments about the difference. "If it means something, then let's get in there and get the job done!' 
He was truly an old soul. He also had a good understanding of Biblical law. - moral law and civil law. He knew that it was not right or left (politically) but right or wrong, morally. Yes, he was sad in the turn our country has taken, yet full of faith that it could turn around if hearts would turn back to God.  

These fighting men and women of 70 years ago had a different kind of leaders back then. Moral fiber, Roger called it. They did not play a game called "blame someone else" or "I'm offended." They focused on the mission and in getting the job done and getting back home.  

We went to most of the beaches. This monument is at Utah Beach. It not only represents the waves, but also the junk that the Germans planted in the sea at low tide. Because the landing crafts came in at high tide, to make the already enormously wide beaches less wide, they did not see all of the junk that sliced the sides and bottoms out of their boats and landing craft. Talk about evil. When we do have to go to war, at least we try to play nice. Hitler was nothing short of pure evil. That is where sin takes you though - no regard of any kind for human life. Now I know why Roger would tell me not to watch some of the shows. This place is very solemn though. Not the kind of beach we enjoy in Florida at all. When the folks in Normandy say "never forget," they mean it. France did not even fight Hitler. Peace at all cost - they just submitted. Boy, would Roger give a lesson on that concept!  He often quoted others, who I often did not even know, but ..."If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything" was one of those he quoted often.  France did and should forever thank the USA that they are not speaking German today!  A young man in Paris did just that. He thanked ME. Imagine that! I wish Roger could have met him. Maybe he will one day. 

The American Cemetery at Normandy was breathtaking. It was so in that beautiful landscaping kind of way, but breathtaking in the same way that you feel when you see Arlington Cemetery in DC.  So many crosses. So many souls.  America is the only country that buries its soldiers in single graves. Each is marked with a single white cross. I wonder if that is so that when you see these cemeteries (and all Veteran cemeteries are alike)...then you really can see the cost of war as related to human life. The lives of those who served. These crosses face west. These boys are facing home (USA) for they longed to go back, but ended up with a one way ticket to Europe. Does that give food for thought!  Only a veteran is the caretaker of the cemetery and the number of gardeners who keep the place looking beautiful, like Heaven, is remarkable. Only the very best for our boys! It should be that way for those who returned home as well. We fail at that miserably. 

Roger asked me before this trip to challenge the young people to find an ancestor who served. We found a few. He asked that the young people also imagine themselves with the same decision these boys had. Could they do it? Would they do it?   My dad always said he served because it was important to keep the fight on the other side of the pond. He was willing to sacrifice himself rather than have that fight come to where his family lived.  Roger's dad did the same. Roger did the same, though he was never shipped overseas like many of his buddies. After all, he would say - the average age of a US soldier was 22, many were younger. These young men could face that kind of decision. What would they do, knowing they could go with a one way ticket. 

Roger lived that way every day of his adult life. Every shift, he was sure to tell me that this might be his last. He never knew what he would face. He never knew if there would be a horrific explosion, or a building might collapse, or what would happen on a call. All of his experience would not save him if that was the number of his days, but he would always lead his crews well and they could trust in his wisdom. I know that he never expected his last breath to be on an everyday run for health.  "You never know"....I can hear him say it. 

Roger's lesson:  I'm pretty sure he would say that your life needs to mean something or you wasted the journey. 

He would always tell the girls "I would rather be respected than liked" when they had challenges while growing up. He encouraged them to follow the same guidelines.  I think he achieved both.  I think he was so well liked, actually well loved, because he was a man of his word. He had strong moral values and knew what he believed and why. He did not flaunt it but he lived it. 

I'm thankful for the past history of this country and only time will tell if I can be thankful for current history. I do know that I will continue to pray for those in charge, even when I don't agree with them - which is pretty much most of the time. I do not pray for things to go my way, but for them to go God's way and for God to change lives where needed. Almost all lives need changing to some degree actually. Roger would say that none of us have ever "arrived" but that we can keep letting God refine us until our final breath.  

I know that I still have so much more to learn and I miss my D-Day buddy. I miss seeing history through his eyes. I miss the way that he could merge current history and Bible history and make it so very alive. Try as I might, I can't seem to fill that void. Probably never will.

Every day we have fewer and fewer WWII Vets still with us. I intend to take that huge step and talk to someone I don't know when I meet someone 90 or so. I'll say thank you. That little moment in France really did feel great and I did not even do anything on D-Day. 

Feet on the ground. Make the journey count. 

Sixteen

It is June. Remarkably, it is even cool today. Breezy. Overcast. Lovely. Just like it was on February 10. It has been 16 weeks exactly ~ almost to the moment. I felt it even before my phone alarm alerted me. Roger. Eternity.

It is 16 weeks and still surreal.

I'm sitting outside enjoying the breeze as I edit in my OCD kind of way on a photo album. I was recalling how we never got the chance to go through the photos from France. I showed Roger the Ranger monument at Pont du Hoc. He wanted to see the rest when I finished my book. That way he could study and enjoy them. I guess he never had the appreciation for 15,000 photos! He had better things to do than edit.

Taxes first, then finish the book. That sounded good until February 10 got in the way. Life changed. Dramatically.

Today I have been still and quiet. Busy in a quiet way but still thinking so much about that day. I heard sirens. I rarely hear sirens. I saw a cardinal.
I slept remarkably well last night considering that I just watched the night sky forever as tears softly ran down my face and soaked my pillow.  I thought about the rolling waves. I guess this was one of those rolling waves nights and days.

The quiet has been refreshing after a couple of super busy weeks. Thankfully it was a calming kind of quiet today, not an anxious one.  As I have taken little tiny breaks from my editing, I've thought about how Roger would be doing this or that. For some absurd reason Fox came on this morning so I know that we traded in 5 terrorists for 1 possibly not so honorable American soldier.  This would have had him fired up all day. I'm sure he would have been on the phone with Dan.

I don't even care. Well, I care, but I am not letting it bother me. Come Quickly, Lord Jesus, is all I can say.

I find myself so often still talking bout him in the present. Then I catch myself. Then the tears slip out. When does the adjustment kick in and stay there?  In four months I have figured out how to pay the bills, and put dishes in the dishwasher, and change the toilet paper, and even take a stab at cleaning a toilet, though I still don't like any of those jobs. I miss doing his laundry and 4 loads of towels a week for two people. I still miss the smell of sausage and coffee in the mornings even though I neither eat nor drink them. The refrigerator never has anything interesting in it anymore. I still don't like to go to the grocery. That should mean skinniness for me, but that has not seemed to happen yet.

I ran across the poem and thought about how we really called ourselves two pretty independent people, but really and truly, were were not all that independent at all. We were not him and her, we were them. We balanced each other in a quirky kind of way and I miss that a whole lot.

You hear "Sixteen" and the first thought is..."Sweet"

Today's sixteen does not feel so sweet, but in trying to be true to my desire to get though this on a positive note...I will say that the memories are sweet.  That is wonderful to say, because I know that not everyone can say that.

Roger's Lesson:  He would laugh and say that tears are ok because one day there will be no more tears...as in his current case. And I can still hear him..."Sweetie, will you go ahead and start dinner?"

"Sweetie's" Sixteen has got to turn around before this day is over!

I'll try to think of everything Sweet.
...in the SWEET Bye and Bye....we will meet on that beautiful shore....
...tis so SWEET to trust in Jesus.....
...SWEET hour of prayer....

...How SWEET are your words to me, like the sweet taste of honey.....(Thank you, Lord)

Sweet are the memories
Sixteen weeks - closer to seeing you again.