What's the Score?

I have to admit it. This weekend I have been thinking about football. That, most seriously, is the most random of thoughts for me, because the only value I really see in football season it that it is also Marching Band season. 

Back in the early years  of our marriage, I used to watch football games with Roger. He did not love it so much because, as he would say, "I answered that question last week."    

Ok, honey, sweetie-pie.....
I must have been absent the week they taught football in PE. 

Putting myself in charge of the snacks was probably the favorite way he liked me involved in football. 

I did love the music and the excitement of the halftime show though. Perhaps the demise of the 'love of football' for me was when they started running commercials over the halftime show. HOW RUDE! 

This weekend it hit me how deafeningly quiet it was around here.  It hit me that though I might be in the same room with Roger, we really did not have the same interest in what was on that black box on the wall. If he happened to doze off (or, rest his eyes) - I would ask for the remote.  "No, I'm watching the game."     ....oh, seriously.

And then it hit me that the phone was not ringing and he was not chatting with his good friend, Squint. Boy, they loved to talk football, among other things, but definitely, football.  Squint loved UCF.  And if he could have talked Roger into going to Dublin for this game, you can bet that I would have found a way to be on the plane with them!   I would have even agreed to let them go to the game and have the day for themselves. There is GREAT shopping in Dublin! The folks are so friendly too!  

And if Clemson had played this weekend (did they????) then he would have had a chat with the Pastor about the game, and if they won, he would have been wearing his orange (stiffly starched) shirt.

And he would have been cheering with all of my relatives who were at the GA (Dawgs) game, even though I have no clue who they played. I do know that GA played because....yea for FB! 

And he would have been feeling David's pain when the UF game was called for lightning.  Again - yea for FB?  How would I know what anyone was doing without it! 

Roger did not care about the pros. He liked college ball, but he did not like stadiums and crowds. 

It is interesting the things that you come to understand 'after the fact' when all you did was accept things along the way.  That is an interesting thing about hind-sight.    I totally understand now that the reason Roger never liked to be in large assembly buildings for "relaxation" was because he never could really relax. Even though he was not officially 'on duty' - in a crowd, he was always 'on duty.'  He could not relax because he always wanted to be prepared to be first on the scene for an emergency.    He could not brush it off, so he enjoyed his favorite game from his favorite chair - and when she learned to stop asking questions during the game - with his favorite gal. 

Perhaps along the way, I came to understand some of that, because I liked sharing time and space with him. It is only now that I totally get it though. 

I also get it about the Pros. He liked kids. He liked watching the high school football game of the week' and knew who played what and what to watch for - he could have been a scout, I think. He watched coaches and how they coached their kids, and their values. And he did not necessarily know any of the kids on the teams - but if he did, he kept an eye on how they played. 

Only 'after the fact' did I really understand why UGA was his favorite team (even though everyone he knew thought that their team was his team) - and it was because of one coach. Vince Dooley.  The man and the way he coached kids - mentored them even.  The way he lived.   He did have a few coaches that he really respected - I did know that. I did not know it was so important to him though. It was more important than the game itself. 

I don't know how many people ever asked Roger who his favorite team was. I bet they all just imagined that it was the same as theirs.  I never realized that until now.

And he did not like Pro ball because it was all about money and focus on a few 'key, high profile' players.  Interesting.  He would watch it but was never passionate about it.  ("I can take it or leave it," he would say) 

Roger's Lesson:  I think that he would say that if you are going to be involved in something as a leader, then lead. Stand for something. Believe in something greater than yourself. Stay humble. Teach younger people something that will sustain them for the long haul. And by all means, show them what faith means to you. 

Life is like that in so many ways. You 'get it' after you have lost someone you love and time is passing, or after a tragic event is sometime in the distant past, or after your health has returned some years after a horrible illness.  

Understanding.  I will never understand the game of football, but I want to understand this game called "life." 

Jim will forever ask me "what's the score?" and he will mean the FSU score.  Now I will not even be able to make a reasonable guess because I heard Roger talk about it.  I will guess a multiple of 7 - maybe. 

Ted will forever shake his head in amazement of seeing that "Dawg" on Roger's memory table, and one of my favorite comments from him will continue to be "I don't know whether to hate Roger because he was not a Gator fan or to have more respect for him because he totally supported that I was and I thought he was"    You've gotta love his Gator relatives!  

Squint will probably go to the phone time and again this season, and realize he has to put it back down.  There is a clenching around my heart when I think about it - for I feel that so often. 

When I do see something about football in passing this season though, I will think about the coach. I will wonder if he is imparting a wise philosophy on life to his boys. I will wonder if he is teaching them, not only football strategy and skills, but the foundation they need to get through life.  I will pray that the coach knows Christ and is teaching these kids something of eternal value.  Football can certainly teach you to stay tough and push through til the end. I'm sure there is a lot of other stuff it teaches too, other than just crushing people to the ground for a piece of leather.  

And I will pray for those who take a stand and risk the ridicule put out so often these days if they do stop to pray. If prayer offends someone, that is ok. God offends people. Hey, when you need a change in direction and don't want to face up to it, of course you would be offended if confronted with it.  It takes a person of strong faith to be able to say "but you offend me if you don't allow me to pray."  Sometimes I think Christians are too nice, too passive. Too 'turn the other cheek-y" when there are times that you should not turn the other cheek, you should stand up for your faith. 

But I will also pray that football does not consume people, because in America, it seems to do just that.  While in France we learned that only 3% of the population attends church. We kept asking why. "Well, there are so many other things you can do - so much entertainment."  

Wow.  Does that sound like America?   No wonder God is not blessing as he once did. So few are carrying the load - starting with prayer. 

Maybe that is why Sunday football was not Roger's favorite. That is the pro day, right? 

All in all though, it is not the score that matters in eternity. UCF lost in Dublin in the last few seconds, but if those kids, coaches, and fans will think about eternity for just a little bit - and accept that gift of eternal life - in Heaven - with Him - they will see that football is a thing we do on earth, and while it can teach a lot of cool stuff - it is nothing compared to what they will experience in Eternity. 

What's the football score?   By next weekend, few will remember the Dublin game. 
What's the score for eternity?   
It has to be personal. No one score your place in Heaven for you. You have to do it yourself. 

For me...

Heaven 1 - Earth 0.          (Make a note, Jim!) 

Pug-lix

Rain was coming. Internet was not working. The list was written. I decided to face Publix - on my own.   Every time I have done this in the last six months it has been one of those 'fist clenched around the heart' kind of things.  Most of the time I try to take a child with me. It is a good diversion, if not expensive. 

I still don't know the names of the people who work at our Publix. I still don't know if it is the same person I saw the last time I shopped.  I still face Publix as a task that must be done.  Old habits die hard. 

Today I bought more watermelon than I needed - the kids might like some. And yogurt - Karin's fav was on sale. And Roger's favorite steaks. One package was all they had. He stockpiled them. I started. 

I find that more and more, I am staying 'on task' instead of approaching the excursion as a 'field trip.'    The food pantry enjoyed the cans and boxes of things that he liked but I didn't, but I prepared it for him anyway. The pantry and fridge now reflect my tastes. 

That is just the weirdest feeling EVER! 

On the way to Publix, I found myself listening to the words of another interesting song. "The Things I would Say" ...or something to that effect.  I gather that it was the message of a father or husband to his family.   Don't give up. Keep the faith. Do what God has for you to do. 

Practical advice!  And life has been like that. It has been that 'get up and put one foot in front of the other' kind of life. I've lived that before. God always gives us a chance to practice, though we don't always know what we are practicing for. Though some days it is up and down, mostly I keep moving forward. Roger would be pleased about that. 

He would be pleased that I have learned to navigate that foreign land that Emily calls 'Pug-lix" - and today, on my own. 

I do get a kick out of the 'bag boys'...maybe they are just called 'baggers' these days..... They range from the high school kid who needs money to pay his car insurance, to the young adults with some sort of challenge that they deal with, to the senior citizens who need a little cash to supplement their social security.  I found this pic online. It reminded me of Roger because I was always thinking up 'retirement jobs' for him so that he would stay busy and not underfoot.  

Yes...as we all get into retirement, as much as well like having the old spouse around, ALL the time is still too much. Or so we think!

This guy was an MBA who retired early and became a 'bagger.'  I thought it was funny. I bet he was similar to Roger - needed to stay busy all day and had a high level of need for talk to people, especially people he did not know.  

Roger always said he was going to be a "toll booth operator' when he retired. That was back in the day when there actually were a fair number of 'toll booth operators."  He was approaching 62 at the time.  I thought he had lost his mind, but I also knew that "toll booth operator' was definitely NOT the right fit for him. Can you even imagine how slow the already slow traffic would have been if he had been collecting quarters, making change, AND finding out where the person was from and how their day was going? 

I thought he would also be a good bus driver at Disney - he would have had the world at his fingertips! I wonder how many languages he would have learned - enough to be slightly conversational anyway.  Perfect retirement job. Roger and the mouse - another land he loved! 

But no, I bet he would have liked Publix. It was in his neck of the woods and he would have known EVERYONE who shopped in that store. He almost did anyway. 

Sometimes I stop and wonder what God has for me to do next. And then, I stop. I don't dwell on it.  I think this is a time to keep the faith and not give up and just know that He is not finished with me yet.  It is not a time when I have to multi-task.  Another perfect song message. 

Roger's Lesson:  He would laugh at me and tell me that he was sure he would be retired soon, because "They" were not going to let an old guy be a firefighter forever.  He would say to do what you are doing and love it because you might not be doing it forever.

And deep down, I would know that he was not going anywhere unless "They" kicked him out. And only in February did I find out that "They" had no intention of doing such a thing.  

And we would talk about what he was going to do to stay busy - and not underfoot - since I already had 'retirement' figured out.   And he would laugh and laugh.

But even if he did not work at Publix, he surely did hang out there a lot. 
I have to accept that he did all that God had for him to do, and continue to believe that I will know, step by step, what is next for me.  

For today, I'm thankful to have conquered "Pug-lix' without Emily, my faithful companion.  It is one more step that shows me that life will never be the same, but it can seem normal - at times anyway. 

God is faithful. He's getting me through. 

Firstborn

It is not exactly writer's block. Today, I think it is something so much bigger. Today there is so much that needs to be recorded and yet, it is feeling like an impossibility to do so through the tears.  

Not bad tears. Sad tears, and a whole lot of really joy-filled tears.  It is the most absurd thing - this thing called 'tears.' 

Today is the birthday of our first-born. Yes, OUR first-born. Always was - always will be - OURS. 

She is barely a week old in the photo and she was a baby who was just the right size for her daddy. She was not so tiny that he thought he might break her - she was a perfect 10. That's right - 10 lbs 0 oz --at birth!   

I'll never forget the night that I surprised him with the news. We had gone out to dinner at a fancy French restaurant - we had always wanted to try it.  After ordering and waiting for our dinner - his coffee not even touched yet - I broke the good news.   

That night, I learned a little bit about timing.  I was not quite aware only two years into marriage, that Roger did not like surprises.  I also had not quite figured out that for a coffee drinker, it is a really good thing to let one have at least one good cup before offering up substantial news. 

He was excited,  speechless..... decided we needed to take a walk - left a $100 tip on the table, and we left as he patted everyone on the back as we made our departure. That's right - not even an appetizer..... Yes, definitely a night I will never forget!   Looking back, it was really funny, and yet, I think that quite possibly I should have told him BEFORE we left the house.  

I guess that at 32, Roger was not really thinking that he was going to be a father - or maybe we were having so much fun together that he did not think he could handle more fun in his life. I don't know - but he did settle into the process of getting her here pretty quickly. 

Back in the day, there was no way to know if we were having a girl or a boy. I still think that is part of the fun of it all.  I got a strong feeling over the months, that he was really really counting on a girl. He used to say things like "I don't know if I would want to be a parent to a boy like me'  - and he never really explained what that meant, but I always had a feeling that it had a lot to do with a whole lot of mischief. 

It was a long, hot summer in 1975 and there were times when I thought this baby of ours had huge feet and multiple appendages. My poor ribs must have been black and blue on the inside.  Though she was actually due around August 5th, she did not arrive until August 27.  That was the summer when I floated in my parent's pool, unless I was sleeping in the lazy-boy - and just trying to make this baby as comfortable as she could be so she would quit kicking!  My summer as a baby beluga, I called it. 

And very soon, we found out why.   At my final doctor visit, he gave me a few days to deliver 'or else' - I happened to ask, as he was leaving the room,  'so, if your mother had big babies, does that mean that you might too?"    He asked how big.   "My sister was 11 # 8 oz"         He turned around and sat down.    "You tell me this NOW? - Go across the street and get an X-ray!"     

(I know - X-ray!  There were no 4-D machines back then!)  Doctor Startzman called me later that evening and prepared me for a c-section. New vocab word.  Ouch - and I started walking - well, waddling.    (Now, from the back, no one knew I was with child - so that tells that I was 'all baby")    

On August 26, Roger called in to have the next shift off, we took his 'grub' (Firefighters ate dinner together and it was his shift to take it all in) to the Abel's house, so he could deliver it, then walked around that grand old Cypress called "The Senator."  (Yes, the one that some lame pot-head burned down)    After a light dinner, we settled in to watch MASH, one of our favorite shows. 

And then it started....OW!  And we jumped in the car (after I carefully waddled down the stairs!) and Roger took EVERY BRICK ROAD from Casselberry to downtown Orlando to get me to the hospital. I was confident that he wanted Fire/Rescue to do an curbside delivery and how Kristin arrived without a traumatic brain injury is only by the Grace of God!    Reaching a hospital never felt so good!

And pretty quickly I was drugged up and on my way to meet the knife.  It is funny how sedation works - I don't think I was out too deeply because I heard the doctor say - "A Girl - A big one!"

And then I don't remember any more until she was in my arms, probably later in the morning -for it was 12:14 AM when she arrived. 

I did  not get to see Roger's reaction when they said "GIRL" but I know that when I was able to walk down to the nursery, he was the man with the biggest smile on his face and showed everyone the prettiest baby in the nursery!  

We did not get to keep babies in our rooms for more than a few minutes at a time way back when. Roger did not stay with me too much, because he did not leave that nursery window.

And in a week (yes, really!) we all went home and the fun began.  

I often say that Kristin's life is by the grace of God because if anyone was not prepared to be a mother, it was me. I did not have a nurturing bone in my body. As a teen, I babysat exactly ONCE  and decided that the child nonsense was not for me.   And yet, in God's great wisdom, he gave me the responsibility of this precious baby girl.   

And she grew and she gained wisdom, and she was a joy and a blessing, and she never knew a stranger - just like her daddy.

And she has a level of compassion that I have never acquired - also from her daddy. 

And they were the best of friends and they were inseparable.  

And she would fish with him and hang outside with him and they would play in the dirt and he would lift her up into the big tree so she could see the world from a different point of view.

And he built a house for her and she would say "daddy, this house has no woof" and he would laugh and teach her that things have to be done in order. 

And when she cried, he comforted her. And when she was hurt, he took care of her. 

And he taught her how much Jesus loved her and how blessed we were to have her - but that she belonged to Him. 

And she took school about as seriously as he ever did - which means, of course, that it was a wonderful social outlet, where you might also learn something that may or may not be useful later, but probably not in the present.  

And she knew everyone in her school, not just the kids in her class. And she liked them and they liked her. And he continued to teach her that it is far better to be respected than to be liked. And she listened.  And she listened to others too - and she felt their joys, and sadness, pain and offered a hug and a listening ear and whatever she could to make it better. 

And sometimes it was good, and sometimes it brought her  pain, but she learned that it was all a part of living.  And she remained strong and joyful and never looked back, but always forward. 

And God has blessed her remarkably and these days she is treated like a princess, though she never acts like she is entitled to be one. 

And her daddy was so very proud of her and it might have been another of the happiest days of his life when she moved back near his heart. 

And they continued to spend good times together and he loved her family and her children and enjoyed starting the cycle all over again when little Emily came on the scene. 

And he would have done anything for her at any time, day or night. And he did. He delivered her paper rather than let it back in the sun. And he delivered pumpkins the moment they arrived at Publix, and he surprised her with shrimp rings...just because ..... 

And he picked her little girl up from school and had his little routine that was all about his girls - all of us.  And he was most certainly a daddy of girls - and I don't think he would have had it any other way if it had all been in his control.  And he knew that God blessed him the day his firstborn arrived on the scene - and  he never forgot it! 

And this day is a really really hard day because Roger loved birthdays and he loved his little girls. And he loved the way his little girls grew to be most amazing young women. 

And he was looking forward to the day when Kristin would finally enter a new decade, and he would celebrate a "0" with her.  But that has not happened for a decade, and it it isn't happening yet. 

Kristin is like her daddy - forever young.  He was - at 71, he was as young as ever. 

So, mixed with tears of sadness, for our girl - are also those tears of incredible happiness and joy - for we have been exceptionally blessed by the life of this young woman.  

Happy birthday to our sweet girl -   And it is from BOTH of us because you know that he is not gone, but is only in slumber - until we meet again on that great and glorious morning when we are all together again! 

Roger's Lesson:  If he were still walking with us the day would have gone like this ---

he would have called her bright and early with a happy birthday, long before he left work. He would have  probably started her day off with some treat on his way in from work, and stopped by several times to see if she needed anything. And there is no telling what he would have found at the grocery that she just could not live without. And he would have been looking forward to the big birthday dinner and the presents and no doubt, a gift bag from Mall at Millennia - it was a tradition! 

And the day would have been all about Kristin - and he would not have let anyone know how emotional it was for him, but it would have been!     He would say to "live life well!"    

Isn't it something the way memories can flood back as if you are living the moment all over again?

I often wonder if that is what it is like when they say that in a traumatic/life or death situation your "life flashes before your eyes"    Does it mean that your memories hit rewind and then fast forward ?

We know precious little about what Roger was feeling those last moments - did life flash before his eyes?  This I do know - if indeed his life flashed before his eyes, his focus was on his little girls and the things he most enjoyed as they grew up into remarkable young women. His focus would have been on his family - those who loved him most.   

And then, when he saw Jesus, he would have known that as hard as it was going to be for us without him, he would know that he lived life well and he taught us well and he invested in us - and we would just have to move forward and be fine. 

Because that was Roger - optimistic and always focused on what was coming and what was more wonderful beyond measure -

And that is eternity in Heaven  - with every member of his family and friends. 

Happy 29th Kristin! WE BOTH LOVE YOU - THROUGH ETERNITY!

Florida Fire Chief's Memorial

How can something be so hard and so wonderful at the same time? This journey is one of such mixed emotion.  Just when I think that maybe, just maybe, I have adapted and adjusted - something else unexpected comes up. 

Such was the invitation to attend the Florida Fire Chief's Conference in Fort Lauderdale.   

It has been an interesting "Fire Department" journey that we are in the midst of experiencing.  There are so many things about the Fire Service that I had no idea about, much less understand. 

One of those things is the way they honor their own.  I always knew it was a "Brotherhood" - and yet not something I totally understood.  
I always knew that Roger was "on call" if ever a firefighter was in need. No questions - he was there to help. I knew that he worked with some very special people, though I did not know many of them well and most of them, not at all. 

I had this 'sort of' conceptual understanding of how each was willing to stand in harm's way, to risk their own life, for another. It was not something Roger talked about much - but something I saw him live.  He was never one for desiring attention and absolutely hated 'surprises' - and boy, am I ever glad that there is no 'being mad' in Heaven - or a lot of us would be in big trouble when we see him again. 

These firefighters though, honor their own until the very end. They do it well. They do it with perfection. It has been quite an experience. 

As I have learned, the Florida Fire Chief's Association has a memorial service at their conference each year. This is a time, after their Prayer Breakfast (which was quite moving), when they take a few moments to honor and remember those Chiefs who have passed during the previous year.  As one might expect, most were retired, having served many years fighting fires and saving lives.  

Not many guys are 71 with 52 years in the fire service and not yet retired. Roger always did things differently. Since February, I have come to see that I don't think he was ever going to retire on his own. I think he was having too much fun. I also think he thought that retiring meant getting old and frail and sick and dying.   I think that I understand where he was coming from, but it would have been quite fine with me if he kept getting older. 

There is no real way to appreciate the happenings in one of these ceremonies without being there. It is reverent and polished and shows such respect to those who have served and are departed. The photos will help a little. I was not taking photos, so hopefully the experience sunk in on a different level. 

We took our places. Spouse or representative (a Chief) of the deceased on the front row. Families behind. Fire Chiefs from around the state filled the room. 
If there had been a fire, someone surely would have called 911! 

Bagpipes - there are always bagpipes - and an Honor Guard.  A lot of times you see a fife and drum. Firefighters carry an ax. 
The American flag is always presented first and is held higher than all the rest. 
As it should be! 

Department flags follow.  The color guard consists of men and women who volunteer their time and these were from around the state, gathered for this special occasion. All in their dress uniforms too! 

A lot of departments were represented. Florida has 67 counties and there are lots and lots of cities within those counties. There are lots and lots of volunteer fire departments still around too!  


The bagpipes always get me. Roger would always say "no bagpipes for me!"  (oops, we missed that!)   I know why - he knew they would get to me. They do every time. 

They make this really mournful sound, as if someone is singing and in deep deep pain - a deep loss.  I think it is like the soul singing, crying out to God. Even when playing something like Amazing Grace or It is Well With My Soul - there is still this sound of the crying soul.

The first time I saw bagpipes out in force was at the St. Patrick's Day Parade in Savannah, GA.  I gained a new appreciation for the art form. The drums are pretty amazing too - never mind those great legs in knee socks!  (OK - Roger would have been telling me not to be soooo serious!) 

After a short message that both comforted and challenged the families, the name of each firefighter was read as the Final Call bell was rung. 

We could not have been more blessed to have had Orlando Fire Department Chaplain, Ragan Vanderiff reading Roger's name. Roger thought so much of this fine man and was on the scene with him on several occasions over the years.

 This officer rang the Final Call bell. It is a part of the honor ceremony.  "Striking the Four Fives"  is a series of rings from the old fashioned brass fire bell. It represents a ceremonial way of showing honors and has it's origin in the NYC Fire Department  as much as 200 years ago. This was before the use of radios, pagers, fire alarms, cell phones, and texting.   Back then, between telegraph and bell tones, the different stations and departments knew when they had a call. 

When a firefighter died in the line of duty or an officer died, headquarters would transmit five bell strikes, repeated in four series, with a slight pause between each series. followed by the announcement of that officer failing to respond to the call. This of, course, mean that a death had taken place. Just imagine it being so quiet and reverent that you could hear a pin drop - and then the brass bell sounds.

After the sounding of the bell, there was a presentation of a medal on a plaque.  I was thanked for Roger's service to his fellow firefighters as well as to the community he served. 

I think this was the part that was so hard for the kids. It was so moving and yet at the same time, like a fresh wound. Yet, there are times when you have to put your own pain to the side because this was important to the "brotherhood' of men with whom he served. 

It was a an experience we will not forget and meeting some more of the men who worked for and with Roger at one time was wonderful. Many who worked together at KSC went on to become the Chief at other departments throughout the state. 
I'm not so adventurous, so I am pretty happy that he was quite content to serve all of his days at KSC.  Mr "not too flexible' was quite happy there! 

....

We have known Ragan Vandegriff since he was the Minister of Music at First Baptist Orlando. He is such a wonderful man of God and perfectly suited to be the Chaplain of the Orlando Fire Department. He is Orlando's first chaplain and we are blessed that he cares enough to serve his community in this way. 

I had no idea he would be present but it was such a comfort to have Roger's name called out by someone he respected so much. 

I don't know what we were laughing about, but quite possibly about how Roger was likely having the time of his life and probably not at all paying attention to this ceremony. 

This is a beautiful bell and made me recall how Jimmy Dumont worked diligently to put the Honor Guard and Ceremonial Bell together for Roger's service. He enlisted the help of Orlando Fire Department where Roger started his career. Blessings that I was not even aware of in the moment, but slowly the happenings of that week are becoming more vivid in my memory. 

Hopefully, quite soon Jimmy will accept delivery of a KSC bell! 

The plaque and medal were presented to us.  It is still so incredibly weird to see Roger's name on a plaque meant for someone who is departed.  I still find it unbelievable and so often feel like I will wake up from this dream very soon. 

And what is the lesson in all of this?  - I think this one is more for the memory of it all. I think that this lesson is not really something Roger would be fond of at all, because he so did not like attention drawn to him or to things he did. 

When I really get down to it and put Roger's aversion to attention aside, I think I can find a lesson. 

Roger's Lesson:  It is not about the things you collect or the name you make for yourself while you are living on earth that counts for anything. It is where you choose to spend your eternity, and what you are doing to further the kingdom of God that really matters.  When you cast your crowns at the feet of Jesus, just make sure that what you were doing was meaningful in light of eternity.

Yes - I think Roger much preferred  to get his 'reward' in Heaven rather than on earth. 

He lived it right, and I rather believe he achieved both.  At least to those of us who knew and loved him - he really was a true example of a hero - both for Christ and for mankind.

Thank you, Florida Fire Chief's Association, for the way you honor those who live a selfless life. 

Missing

They had this game, RoRo and Emily.  They sat on their special bench and played 'car counting.'   You picked a color and counted how many cars passed that were that color. 

Roger always picked a crazy color. Neon green. Baby Blue. 
Emily almost always picked  black or white. 

Statistically speaking, how many cars do you think would be black as compared to neon green?  Who was going to be the likely winner here? 

Roger knew how to make people feel like a winner. 

He taught Emily to make a quick decision and to be confident. Somehow he managed to teach her to evaluate a situation and make a good statistical choice too. 

They did this when he was drinking coffee and she was eating ice cream.  He reminded me of the children's book the girls had  - "The Old Man and the Afternoon Cat."     They had this afternoon routine, the two of them. They were at perfect peace when they were together.  And I don't think he liked it very much when kindergarten and first grade started taking up her afternoons. It seriously cut into their car counting time. 

Their bench is quite possibly one of Emily's favorite places in the world. I'm sure it is hard to sit there without him.  Indeed, something is missing on this bench - someONE important. 

Today I am thinking, quite selfishly, about how our girls had their grandaddy until they were adults.  He did not spend nearly as much time with them as Roger did with Emily and Jacob though.  I hope that as they grow older and time passes, that they always remember how wonderfully special they were to him.

It makes me really sad that Roger had so much more wonderful knowledge and wisdom to impart to them - things they would only understand as they grew older - and that they are going to miss out on that time with him. 

I guess that is a  really sad thing about life,  we all have a measure of wisdom and a unique perspective to share, and so often we don't take or make the time to do it.  And then it is too late. 

I guess most grandparents would just love to spend more time with their grandchildren. We are especially blessed that they liked spending time with us. I think we were fun.  I hope that I stay fun.   

I'm thankful that the 'parental units' aka Kristin and Jim  - pretty much seem to like having the ' 'grandparental units' so handy.  It's a nice trade. They get free time, we get to spoil these babies - um, young people.   And we always tried to behave ourselves - except for Roger and ice creme - 

I know that Emily made him feel so young - she is so like Kristin -   I remember his parents saying that about Karin - she is so like him.  They would tell me that it is like they got their youth back again. 

As I am thinking about the time Roger loved spending with them - and what he is going to be missing - God showed me once again how His way is perfect. 

We know that Roger's departure was instant - that he did not feel a thing - one step here, the next in Heaven.  

And yet - had he lingered, he would have certainly been thinking about his precious children and grandchildren - not wanting them to suffer or be sad - but also thinking about how hard it would be to leave them.   In a way, it is comforting that he did not have that decision or choice.   That would have been a pain so heavy for him. 

Roger's Lesson:  He would say to invest in those that God placed in your family. Impart wisdom, talk about important things, do things that help children feel confident and important - and wise.   And enjoy them every day of your life if you can manage it! 

And young people who don't make the most of those "grandparental units" - ah there is no telling what you, and your children are missing.  Old and ornery as we can be - there is still something kinda unique about old folks.  

It's always a good day when you can hug someone a few decades older than you are! 

The glory of young men is their strength,  but the gray hair of experience is the splendor of the old. Proverbs 20:29

Push Through

Today was the day to catch up. I have so many notes, so many thoughts, so many things that I have seen in the last week - made written and mental notes - and yet, have not posted. This place is where I can keep these thoughts so I don't forget them. That is the biggest thing - will I forget?

A year from now, will I remember all of the little, seemingly insignificant,  things about daily living with Roger? Will I remember his laugh, his voice, his touch?  That is a scary thing - to think that it will become a blur of the past.

Yet - I know that I can't live in the past. God does not desire that for us and Roger would not - but I don't want to forget the blessings that God has given me in this lifetime with Roger. 

And, writing is therapy. In a very good way.

Today I ventured into Hobby Lobby. I have not been here for a while - maybe once, since February.  For a while my day went like this.  ~ Go to therapy (physical, not mental) - stop at Hobby Lobby - get some tea - go home~   Nice retirement life!   Even in January I was enjoying the deep discounts on Christmas.

Christmas - there was probably not a time of year that Roger loved more than Christmas. Even though he acted like it was all me, I am quite confident that he fed into my addiction for Christmas decorating. I remember when our beloved  "Wick" came over and later mentioned at school that at my house, it looked like Christmas threw up.   Of course, I knew she meant that in a most loving and creative way ---  "Oh - Judi thinks she is decorating the Magic Kingdom!"    

Ok. Guilty. Every room, a different theme. The grandchildren could give tours and it was delightful to hear them describe the happenings of each room.

I even created a firefighter tree for Roger last Christmas. 

Christmas. Boy - I'm not sure I can do this again. The girls say yes. They say it is a part of me. 
I think I did it for Roger. Something is going to be seriously missing this year. 

So - here I was in Hobby Lobby - and THANK GOODNESS it was not a busy morning.  Between appointments, I had a few minutes to kill, so I had a feeling I could find ornament hooks - for a totally non-Christmas project - in this store.  I did.  And I should have left right away.

Nope - I found myself roaming. Christmas trees - row upon row.  Tears. Roger's favorite time of year. He ran out and got a fresh tree the day the first one arrived at Publix. It mattered not if it was still 90 degrees outside! 

Oh, the memories. One Christmas after another passed before my eyes. I am quite confident that I stood there, a blubbering mess.  I could feel it.   

"May I help you find something, ma'am?"    
"um, no thanks, I'm fine"    No - I wasn't.     

Then it was almost as if I could hear him.   "Push through." "No pain, no gain." 
What?

"Push through. You have to get through this. You have to get through the sadness and get to the joy of Christmas. Don't stay stuck. Don't run away and avoid facing it."

And so I leaned on that cart and step by step, I made my way through aisle after aisle of Christmas frivolity.  I recalled the vacations, the parties, the family times, the laughter.  I recalled the year that I did not think I would live to see Christmas  - one chemo to go - and they took me to the Magic Kingdom.  It had to be the coldest December EVER and I was going to humor them  and let them push me around like an old bald lady in a wheelchair, up to my neck in blankets.   Family meant everything and I recall thinking it would be my last Christmas with them.   

It wasn't. Roger made me push through.  He told me that it was good practice for life because you have to push through.  So - I did it for him.  I certainly did not do it for me. 

Wiping the tears that were warming my cheeks, I turned one last corner. There it was - the display that told it all - center stage - you could not go anywhere in the Christmas section without seeing it - Nativity after Nativity on shelf after shelf, table after table. And a giant W -----'Wise men still seek Him."     I had probably walked past it several times and through the tears, I did not have my eyes wide open.  But surely enough - that was the message - Wise men still seek HIM. 

Day by day, step by step, He remains faithful. 

Roger's Lesson:  God is always preparing you for something you will face in the future. You never know what it will be, but if you will let Him,  you will be prepared because you practiced before.

Christmas. 
I still don't know how I am going to get through it, but I know that God will get me there. 

I know that family is still the best thing Roger left for me and each precious moment means something. 

I never thought that I would be crying about Christmas, but joy did come though those tears. 
So I bought a new firefighter ornament, and a beautiful red cardinal. 

And the season won't be the same - but the season never was about Roger anyway - it is about Jesus. 

And that is what he would want me to remember. 

Don't Fry my Brain! -

"It is the hottest week of the year." Right. We hope, with a period. I have a feeling that we will hear this again, and again. It is Florida and it is hot. Not as hot as some of the desert states and not as hot as hell, but all the same, HOT.  It was also Food Truck night tonight.  Roger loved food truck night. He would gather our tables and chairs and scope out a spot as early as 3 o'clock.  He would love the new look at town hall - more pavers, less grass - which means fewer ants. 

It was the social aspect of Food Truck Night that he loved, I am sure. I am equally certain that I was not his favorite dinner partner for the night - oh, simply because I really really like AC and really am adverse to hot - and sticky. 

I went down to see Jim get ice water dumped on him. Crazy thing that is going around. He is a good sport, I have to say that.  It is not my kind of thing, and I rarely do something just because someone says I need to do it. If it makes sense to me, or it is something I support, perhaps. I'll donate where I feel led, thank you very much.  Oh - I sound kind of like Roger. 

This was one of those lazy days of summer. If I had a wide and breezy front porch, it would have been a mint julep kind of day. (OK, mint sprigs in my tea, kind of day) I didn't, of course, since I spent the afternoon getting the Honda tuned and cleaned. Ah cleaned - and no one got in my car, so it is still clean. That won't last long - but for the moment, ahhhhh!

It was nice that the breeze picked up as dusk began to settle in, but it was not fast enough nor cool enough for me, so I took my little self home to the AC. Weak, yes, indeed! 

I settled in with the blind doggie and the flipper and landed on the National Geographic Channel - and after a while, imagined Roger sitting with me. He would have loved this show. Brain Games. It was fascinating. I got most of the games right. He would have won almost all of them. 

Roger is what, as a teacher, I would have called an under-performing student. He was SO INCREDIBLY SMART and he had pretty much no interest in sitting in a class and listening to someone yak on about something. "Get to the point" he would say.  And he hated to be read to.  So much for those romantic notions of sitting and reading poetry to each other, right - ha - not my thing either, so it worked out well.   

Roger could read ANYTHING, analyze and memorize it. And his re-call - oh, there is just no comparison to anyone I know.  

I guess almost every preacher I ever heard would say something like "mark this down in your Bible" - oh man - Roger sooooo disagreed. I wish he had marked favorite passages, because it would be something else to hold on to. No - he memorized them. He never would mark in his Bible. He said it was God's Word and it did not need embellishment. 

Oh - he had a point. Some of us learn differently though. I am tactile. I need that sensory stimulation of writing so my brain will engage. And visual too! 

It is so funny the way you know things about the person you love, and yet they don't seem so incredibly special until that person is gone. It's kind of sad too, that we don't appreciate the little things while we have them. 

Roger's Lesson:  I'm not quite sure this time. Perhaps he would say that he accepted over time that people learn in different ways, but if you are going to write in your Bible - then at the very least, pay attention to what God has to say and not just what you or the preacher have to say.  Then apply it. 

Oh Roger - I miss your trivia questions. I miss that you challenged me to look for the answers. I even miss that you were so very much smarter than me. (However, I will still say that you had 10 years as a head start.)   

But - I will keep learning, accepting challenges that keep me alert and engaged, and I will especially keep working on connecting names and faces and their stories.  You left me a lot to work on - it could take a while. 

• “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Romans 12:2)

Yes, I always have a better day when I ask God to teach me something special during this season of life. 

Roads and Portals

Typically when I make a run across town, I hop on the 408 and the drive is sort of like connecting the dots on a map. Start here. End here. 

Not today. At least today the Orlando evil called I-4 was not as bad as it typically is. At least not on the section that I traveled. The trip to Winter Park was an easy one. 

Lunch with friends was so much fun. It always is. Love my Goldies - it is so much fun to catch up with the people who worked together to get that vision (called The Master's Academy) up and rolling. God has done great things there and it was fun and rewarding to be a part of it.  Roger was instrumental in helping me to step out of my comfort zone all those years ago. 

He kept encouraging me : Sure, change your school drive from 15 minutes to almost 60 - one way. Five days a week. We won't be on the east side of Orlando long!  How many times we called that adventure "going to Egypt." We surely spent a lot of time - and toll quarters - getting children through school. So worth it though.  And the school eventually moved more to the east side - Oviedo - and I drove it for 25  years.  Sometimes you just don't count the cost. You count the blessings. 

In all of that 'stepping out of my comfort zone' God continued to bless. My world grew larger and I met people that I never would have met otherwise.  Back in the early days, when the school really had no money, we shoveled mulch, cleaned restrooms, mopped floors - all after hours and on weekends.  We worked together and we played together and we prayed a whole lot. It is the thing that makes for remarkable friendships. Teachers, students, families. 

Today we shared memories of a precious young student. If we ever thought we had difficulties in life, we were wrong, because we could get around easily. This young man, even with great physical challenges and surgery after surgery had to be among the most joyful students that I have ever met.  We found out yesterday that he was safe in the arms of Jesus. It seemed to be unexpected and he was still so young - we were guessing, maybe 32. So tonight I am thinking so much of his young, precious wife and young child.  I know that God will comfort them and provide for them, but even that does not diminish the loss and the pain.  How wonderful that he is remembered most for his joyful heart - that joy, found in Christ, despite his trials in this life. 

As I drove home after lunch, wouldn't you know that the magnetic field at the Krispy Kreme just drew my car in. Rightfully so, I suppose, because what firefighter (or police officer) does anyone know who does not love donuts....and I was in a firefighter's car, after all!  I did my civic duty and invested in donuts for the family.  OK. I ate one - even after the donut lady told me that KK uses three  - count them....THREE KINDS OF SUGAR in their glaze.  Goodness, no wonder it feels like a sugar injection to the veins!  That must be how I missed every turn that I needed to take to get on the 'big highway." Serious and instant brain fog! 

So, there I was drifting through Thornton Park and Pill Hill.  And this is where I was really missing Roger.  He knew every street name in "Old Historic Orlando" - every intersection, every location of every fire hydrant, and which direction the streets ran. He would take the strangest shortcuts - I think he just liked the brick roads!  And he had great stories about so many of those historic homes.   

Needless to say, I found the driving part so difficult today. It is really hard to stay in your lane when you are looking side to side and taking in the beauty of the area. For 41+ years, I have been the passenger when driving through Historic Orlando and could look around to my heart's content.....can't do that anymore!  Oh how I wish that I had made Roger do that walking / photo tour of those great locations. I want to remember his stories! Every story involved people. 

The journey home today was longer than I had planned, and yet the time spent in Historic Orlando was shorter than I would have enjoyed.  That's kind of like life, I suppose.  Some of us are here longer than we expect to be - I certainly am. Some have a shorter journey, for various reasons, some of which make no rational sense to us. 

As I entered town, realizing that it was mid afternoon and oh so hot, I found myself glancing along the sidewalk, looking for Roger I suppose. This was the time of day when he liked to run. And he had such a habit of doing it when it was the heat of the day. Today's heat index was 103.  He would have been out. He would have waved to people. People would have stopped to ask if he was ok or needed a ride home - he just had that kind of running posture that made it look like he was working so hard to run. (The way I FEEL, if I run!)  And then I found myself at the corner of First and Main - stopped cold, in the middle of the street. In the same place where our angel (Susan) stopped that day.  Just frozen - and it all came rushing back.    You think you have it all together, and then there it comes again. It is just so unreal. Still.

Roger's Lesson:  I know he would tell me that the place that Jacob called a portal - where he stepped from this life into the next - needs to be a constant reminder to us of how our time here is limited. Whether it is long or short, it is limited, and if we are smart, we will live as if it is going to be short - and use the time wisely. He would also tell me to stay focused on the road and not roam all over the place. 

And then the gripping around my heart loosened up a little bit as this song came on the radio - and I realized, as tears ran down my cheeks, that I had heard the song several times throughout the day.  It is called Blessings. 

And I thanked God for the blessings in my life. Roger - for waiting to fall in love until I grew up.  Friends - who had a vision and worked to see it come to be creating valued friendships along the way.  Young people - who have such great futures but will only find true joy when they find it in Christ, as young Brandon did. 

And for the tears.  Because when I think too much, and the tears roll, they always bring me back to blessings. 

"BLESSINGS" by Laura Story

The chorus runs like a loop in my head - and heart

What if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
What if trials of this life - are your mercies in disquise?

It gives a whole new perspective to tears - and the journey called life on earth. 

SpaceX

It's been a busy week with therapy, getting kiddos ready for school, and fighting with my external hard drives. 

The world has passed by and I have hardly even noticed. That's the bad thing about becoming so absorbed with something.

I challenged myself to get this overwhelming load of photos scanned and neatly on an external drive - and to get rid of boxes and boxes of prints.  I somehow wonder if it is really worth the effort, no matter how efficient it will be afterward. It has been fun to recall a lot of school memories though as I have scanned the TMA years. 

The problem with projects is that it is too easy to withdraw from the world when a project calls. 
Roger would forever ask what I was doing.  

These days, I rather wish that I had taken more walks with him - well, trying to keep up with him.  I wish I had said ok to trying out new restaurants more - though it would have also required walking more.  Yes, I am re-thinking my 'need for organization' - it may be better just to toss all of the stuff.

But photos - how do you toss precious memories.  Photos do make you recall them, don't they?

During the blistering heat of summer, it seemed to be a good time for it. I don't care for the heat. Yea for air conditioning - blessed is the man who invented it! Truly a gift from God! 

I also miss updates on what is going on at the Space Center. The happenings over there have been almost central to our lives for 42 years - what NASA scheduled, we worked around. Roger took his responsibilities over there seriously - especially where it involved the safety of people. 

I think one of the saddest things of his life was when we gave our space program to the Russians. He was so against it. It affected so many people. 

Thankfully, NASA likes Facebook, so I can still keep up with the new happenings over there. This would have made Roger very happy - to see new energy, new life, new adventures at KSC. 

SpaceX is coming. The testing is happening and it will soon be time for a launch. I read a request tonight about NASA inviting social media peeps to join them. I almost applied.  Would I make the of only 50?  My audience is not big enough, but it is a special demographic.  But I don't tweet or twitter or whatever it is called that only allows you a few characters to get your message across. 

I still laugh at how Roger worked in one of the most technologically advanced places on the planet but he still used a go phone. He would have used a pager, still, if NASA had not cancelled them. He was such a funny guy! 

Roger's Lesson:  He would tell me that at the moment I am doing ok. "Keep finding something that makes you laugh" he would say.  And he would tell me to spend at least as much time with people as I do on projects. 

I'll keep working on that. But not while it is so blistering hot.  
The groundhog comes out to see if it is getting warmer. 
I step out to see if it is getting cooler. 

Oh, Florida! God placed me here to bloom where I am planted.   This bloom needs the AC though. 

In the wee hours of this fine morning, I will look out - to the eastern sky - where I would see that launch - but also where I am watching for my Jesus to return - more brilliant than any launch that man could imagine! 

I can hardly wait.