Reuben

The most random things make me think of life with Roger. I guess that is what life is so much about - just the ordinary. And how often, while we are living in it - we just plain miss it.

Though I love to eat out and try out new restaurants, I could not do that all the time. Roger liked to run, so he ate when (and what) he wanted to eat. I don't like to sweat, so I have to eat lettuce, and not too much of it.

But often enough, he would suggest lunch out. I guess that was one of his favorite things since 2011 when I stopped working. He loved having lunch out. And we did plenty of it in the last three years. 

I introduced him to Jason's Deli a few years ago. There is just something about a deli that got him all excited. Actually, maybe it was just the corned beef sandwich, piled high, with all the stuff he liked on it.  But Jason's has soft serve ice cream to top it off - no extra charge. And he loved the sundaes I could make with soft serve and syrup! 

And then again, it was probably because one of our first dates was at Ronnie's - that quite famous Jewish Deli / Restaurant that used to be at the old Colonial Plaza. It had its quirks, but it has never been replicated in Orlando. I'm sure he loved Deli's because of those dates! 

The corned beef sandwich that he loved is formally called a Reuben and there are a number of stories about how that name originated. Corned beef, sauerkraut, Russian dressing on Rye. Piled high. That is the key! And grilled.  As much as Roger liked eating these sandwiches out, he was always good about telling me that mine were better than any other. Wise man! 

He always liked to talk about Reuben of Bible fame when he ate a Reuben. He could tie almost anything back to a Bible story or trivia or principle. You really have to know your stuff to be able to do that, and the randomness of how he tied things together was always fascinating. 

Just for memory's sake, in case there is a memory lapse, Reuben was the oldest son of Jacob.  Jacob of Jacob and Esau fame.  Jacob/Esau, twin sons of Isaac of Isaac and Ishmael fame, sons of Abraham - as in Father Abraham, (had many sons, are you singing along?) Jacob who stole the birthright from Esau. Jacob, father of 12 sons, the 12 tribes of Judah, father of Joseph as in Joseph and the coat of many colors fame. (And don't trust the broadway edition.)

Roger would always review the lineage and talk about God's promise to Abraham - as many children as stars in the sky.  And about God's faithfulness. He loved to review these Bible lessons and did it almost every time we watched the news. Or ate a Reuben sandwich. 

Abraham had sons, Isaac and Ishmael - 
Abraham and wife Sarah, old, impatient, wanted an heir. Took matters into their own hands even though God had promised an heir. Sarah's handmaid had Abraham's firstborn son, Ishmael.

True as God promised, Sarah finally had a son, Isaac. Second son, but the son of husband and wife. The promised Son.    

Ah, the conflict. God's promise flowed through Isaac, but Ishmael was not left out. God promised Hagar, the Egyptian handmaiden mother of Ishmael that Ishmael would be the father of what is known as the Arab nations. Most of these throughout history have been Muslim. 

Abraham messed up and did not initially wait on God, but God's will prevails even though we humans are a mess. 

God's promise for Abraham (Abrham) did come to pass. Isaac was born and the covenant between God and Abrham was to last for generation after generation. And as Roger would say...like it or not, God has not changed his position. No matter what the modern day world thinks.

And the conflict of the entire world began with two boys. Ishamael, who was born of the flesh. Isaac, who was born of the promise (Promise of God to a father aged 100 and mother aged 90 - impossible, right?!) 

Roger just loved reading the passages related to this conflict and how the Ancient promises of God regarding Israel related to the world we live in today. He loved studying ancient Israel and pondering the way the USA so parallels so much of the history as if it were a modern Israel. Even more, he considered things that would change this dangerous feeling path we are now on, yet realizing all along that God's plan never ever involved life on earth lasting forever and forever into eternity, but for this to be a season and a time for all of God's prophecy to be fulfilled. He watched for signs of this coming battle, the final one, which is not at all about people, or countries or as the Bible states as "flesh and blood." It is all about the Spirit - and not the spirit in this eerie/TV entertainment kind of way - but the struggle between God and satan - one which has been going on for centuries, since the beginning of time. Since the Garden of Eden and the fall of man, actually. 

And he so often reflected on how much we miss all of this with the silly conversations and dealings of day to day life. And entertainment, and yes, even too much time online. I guess that I only realize now that all of those times when he was sitting in the swing or just sitting and seeming to drift off somewhere, that this is what he was thinking about - what he was sorting out. Where his mind was.

He never seemed to mind waiting on anyone - it gave him thinking time. Go to the mall? Sure - I'll sit and wait for you! etc. etc. etc.   I wonder now if that is what he liked about fishing. You get away from it all and can just think. While I just thought he had hermit blood, in fact, he just liked to reflect on what he read in the Bible and how it applied to life today. 

One thing I have most definitely discovered lately is that even when it is quiet in the house, if I am 'too busy" then my mind does not reflect like I wish it would. It really is only possible to listen to what God is trying to teach when everything else is shut down and shut out. 

I've come to embrace the quiet in a way that I never have before.

It is a sad thing actually, that in our culture, we are all about staying busy. There is no time to just sit and gaze into the clouds and think - or to try to 'see God' in it all. I find that I am becoming quite possessive of my quiet and the silence around me. 

I had great wisdom around me for many many years and boy, I hope that I absorbed a lot of it....but I am afraid that I did not appreciate what I had.  It really is more about being and less about doing. 

As the world seems to be imploding around us, I find myself more and more thinking that God actually quite rewarded Roger by allowing him to see from above what the big picture of this final battle would look like. 

Roger's Lesson:  I know he would say that the stuff in the Bible is not just silly old stuff to read.  It is not just ancient manuscripts. No matter what the world tells you, it is important, and far more important than you would think. Your entire eternal destiny depends upon it. "Don't gain the world and lose your soul" he would say all the time. (Not his original words though)

And he's right.  And thanks Reuben - eldest son of Jacob - for some life lessons. You were one who could mess things up terribly, yet also reign in the brothers when they wanted to kill Joseph. 
Even in his conflict, he could make wise decisions. We all do dumb stuff along the way, but one thing is for sure - God never goes back on His promises or his plan.  He adjusts due to our dumb choices, but He always has His plan as the final destination.  Unfortunately for Reuben, because he did not control his fleshly desires, he never received the blessings of God that a firstborn would have received. His tribe never had anyone of renown come from it. He was part of the nation of Israel, yet never really contributed. Sins forgiven, but not without scars. We forget that scars some with sin. 

God promised Ishmael many descendants (The Bible and Islamic tradition both agree that Ishmael became the leader of all of the desert people of the Middle East) and He delivered. Count the Arabs/Muslims who live today. 
He also promised Abraham, through Isaac, descendants like the stars in the sky. And He has delivered. (Though we kind of feel like most Jews fly under the radar these days - where are the American Jews anyway right now?) 

It seems simple enough to say - well, that is the Jews and the Arabs and since I am not either, this does not involve me. Hmmm. Nope. God does not have gray area now, does He? That would be kind of like walking the fence - not being committed to either.  

Who owns the land we call Israel has been the center of conflict between Arabs and Jews for thousands of years, and continues today. God made a promise. Jewish people = Israel. Pretty simple. 

And as Roger would say as he was smiling from ear to ear....
"Just read the end of Revelation. God wins. Pick a team. You can't sit out of the game."

This is an exciting time to be living.
And unless you know your eternal destiny, a very scary time as well. 

Who knew you could get all of this out of a sandwich?

Summer Oven

Roger did not bring much with him when we got married. We started off with a new apartment, mostly new furnishings and a lot of wedding gifts. I had stuff, of course - mostly fashion. 

This should have been my first clue, 41 years ago, about how a person can live lightly. 

He did, however bring John with him. 

Seriously now, how many people actually have a picture of a President to hang in their home? And a framed picture at that. And no, not a photo, but a print of a painting, of his Presidential portrait. 

I'm sure Roger told me at some point how he happened to acquire this thing. I am equally sure that he did not tell me of his affection for JFK before we were married. If he had, my dad would have run him off quite quickly! My dad was a Democrat - on his voting card - but only to make the Democrats think they had one more vote than they really had.   And now we know where I got my crazy ideas about politics. Roger always voted for the candidate that he felt was best for the job. He studied candidates carefully before voting. 

Roger probably read everything that John F. Kennedy ever wrote. He never missed a documentary or any other show about the assassination. It fascinated him. He knew the Kennedy family history. He always told me that JFK was more conservative than most any Republican we have had in recent times. He studied JFK for as long as I can remember. 

He only had about 5 topics that he was passionately interested in. I read recently that if you read only one hour a day on any given topic, that in 7 years you could be considered an expert. I think he could have pretty much been considered an expert on several topics.

I recall that our first really serious 'discussion' after were were married was the day he displayed this photo over the sofa. WHAT?! Of course, it was in pretty much pristine condition at the time.  I did not grow up in a home where we displayed photos of a President, or actually even photos of Jesus.  It felt really strange to me - hitlerish even. Keep in mind that my family was of the Nixon / Goldwater bent, so finding JFK on the wall of my new home sent my dad....ballistic. I lost the first battle of 'the hanging of John" because I did not have anything better to offer the wall. 

Creative soul that I am though, it did not take long to change that. John was still properly hung in those first few apartments. Inside the hall closet door. Roger could visit with him simply by opening the door. He could pull up a chair and have a chat as far as I was concerned! 

Then we built our new home (well, 35 years ago) and John was still important to Roger. In this big ole space, surely there was a place for John! Of course there was...there was this niche ...in the attic. 

And though Roger asked about him occasionally over the years, we were far too busy about the business of enjoying the raising of a family to be too concerned about where John was. 

After the hurricanes of 2004, I ran into John again when checking the status of the belongings in the attic. I did not have the heart to tell Roger that he had not fared so well. I soon forgot about it. 

Then in April (2014), my cleaning binge hit full force. I HAD to have everything out of the attic. Oh the things we store - and for what reason? We acquire, and store, and it becomes pretty much useless. Perhaps I was finally getting the life lesson that Roger continually showed us about the things we acquire - and store. And then there was John.  I knew there was no sense in saving him now. Roger was not here to ask about him or appreciate him. Out I sent him.

Or so I thought.

It kind of reminds me of the Disney movie, Summer Magic, and the discovery of the painting of Dear Old Mrs. Hamilton, the mother of Tom Hamilton.  They found her in the summer oven. (the portrait, not the mother) 

I was looking for a canvas or something and pulled out....what? JFK?!  How did he get there? 
Turns out that Karin could not part with him. (bad condition and all)  OK, she is right that he is one of the few 'possessions' that Roger actually held on to. She felt the need to hang on. OK. I'll give him a year.   He does not look so hot any more, but he is a good reminder of this.

There are people who invest their lives in something worthwhile. They passionately believe in what they do. They are willing to do tough jobs and take tough stands. Sometimes it works out well for them and sometimes it does not, but their faith does not waiver.  Roger felt like this about his chosen career. In fact, he sort of felt that it chose him. He was so well suited to be a firefighter, a chief, a leader. He would not send his men where he would not go. He believed in being prepared. He believed in giving it all that you had, and send back what you did not need rather than have to wait for more support. 

Looking back now, I wonder if his study of certain world figures as well as certain Biblical characters are what gave him the strength to follow his passions. I am sure that they did. 

Roger's Lesson:  Without a doubt he would say that it is important on this journey called 'earth' to be passionate about something. Have something that you would be willing to die for. Find something that you want to know about and learn EVERYTHING you can about it. And apply what you learn to living. 

And about John.....
He wold be laughing right now and saying

"Wouldn't it be funny if this painting were worth something on Antiques Road Show! - You should have taken better care of him!"

And I would have laughed and agreed, because I learned a lot more than I ever wanted to know about JFK along these 41 years with Roger. 

Free. HURRY!

 It is not often that I get out for a walk in this suffocating, humidity filled heat. I caved the other night. A block or two, I said. Our little walk took us around the park and the breeze off the lake must have messed with my brain. Another block or two will be fine - sure, that sounded simple enough.

Then we stumbled across it. It was almost at the edge of the street.
A sign, stuck in the ground. "Camellia bushes FREE - please give them a home."

"HURRY!"

This happened to be another one of those nice lots that Roger always loved. He loved that it had a little ole house nestled in the middle of two standard lots. He loved that it was fairly well hidden among the dense shrubbery. I called him 'hermit-blooded." He called me 'neat-nik." I thought it was overgrown, he thought it was easy, natural landscaping. Landscaped it was not! 

The lot is vacant now. It was recently sold, the house bulldozed, surveyed, and a permit sign installed for the builder. More change for this little town. Will the new home fit the character of this place? Will it be another oversized McMansion? Only time will tell. 

But. FREE. Someone involved is 'green' enough to care that perfectly good plants don't have to be destroyed. That is a good thing. Hurry. That means fast, right?

I can hear Roger now. He would have humored me. First he would have tried to talk me out of trying to save a plant. He would have caved though. He would have dug me three holes. He would have gotten his (my) shovel out - and taken a stab at moving these plants.  But he couldn't. He is busy in Heaven. 

And then there is Jim. Jim loves nature. Being in the garden, (though brutally hard work for someone who does not like the suggestion of "round-up") is restoring to the soul. I guess that is the only real reason for sweating it out so much. Beverly loves flowers and he supplies plenty for her. He reminds me a lot of daddy in that way. Daddy always kept a perfect yard, filled with blooms, for my mom. Even when she could no longer appreciate, much less see, the efforts of his labor, he still was faithful to his garden. Her garden.  And then when she died, he put his tractor key away.  I bet Jim will stay in the garden til he can't do it anymore.  I think he tends to flowers as much for him as he does for Beverly. 

My suggestion to move these plants, prompted Jim to say "let's do it" - wow! I never really expected that. I mean, who gives up their Sunday afternoon/evening to dig out old bushes to move them two blocks away? What a sweet thing to do though.  These plants will be babied and I will be determined to get them growing again, mostly because of the gift of time and caring that was given to me. Beverly cheered us on - and took totally appropriate and slimming photos of the work in progress. (well, she better have!) 

Jim works methodically. He protects the plants as much as possible, in order not to overly stress them. Rake around the trunk, dig a trench around the root line, keep the root ball intact, get out the weeds. Makes perfectly good sense. 

Here is the contrast - which actually kept me laughing. A visual picture of this is just sooooo necessary. Roger would have possibly had on shorts and sneakers but more likely shorts and his shiny black shoes.  Roger would have surveyed the scene (above) and tried one more time to talk me out of it. He would have expected to have a thermos of hot coffee nearby - even though it had to be 95, not counting the heat index. Roger MIGHT have dug a trench around the roots. He definitely would not have raked or pulled out weeds. He might have pulled out the moss. He might have pruned ⅔ of the  bush away.  He WOULD have tied a rope or chain round the base of the trunk and he WOULD have attached that chain to the axle of his car. And he most definitely WOULD have put a heavy foot on the petal and yanked that baby out of there. Times three. 

What took Jim, Beverly and myself at least three hours to uproot and load on a pickup truck, Roger would have accomplished in ⅓ of the time. 

Roger would have skipped the truck. He would have dragged that baby behind his car, for two blocks, and popped it in the hole he had dug in our yard.  Oh - just picture it. My sides are aching just writing this memory.  

I know this to be true because he did it with azaleas from Paul's office some 28 years ago. Some lived. Some did not. 

The difference in method is the stress on the plant (and possibly the axle of his car). The difference might have been the health of the plant. 

Roger's Lesson:  This most certainly would have fallen in the category of "get her done before dinner" if he would have spent a Sunday afternoon doing this at all. He most definitely would have told Jim not to do this. And he would have said - some make it, some don't - that is a statistical problem.

Oi!

Men - God just has the most amazing and creative way of placing such unique people in our lives. 

I still can't believe anyone would say yes to my crazy Sunday afternoon brainstorm - but I do know this.....when those camellias begin to bloom (whatever color they may be) - I will enjoy every blossom.  And with each one, I will give thanks to God for the man who made me laugh every day that he was here with me - and for the friend who stepped up to the plate when he couldn't. 
well - stepped in to the hole - camellia's leave big holes 
He made a wonderful memory happen for the bride of his very good friend.

Roger - I am still constantly amazed, and so blessed at the way God shows me in ways like this that it is a good thing to keep living life to the fullest.

Though it does not seem like it at times, there are so many other times when I realize that He has little blessings all over the place, if only I will look, and if only I will ask. 

I'll try to walk a little faster from now on, and try not to stop at every breath to 'smell the roses." I will check 'moving random mature bushes' off my bucket list. That should make Jim very happy, though I bet he would move them again if I asked. I will always though, wish that I had MADE you slow down enough to smell the roses with me more often. And I will think how it takes work to establish strong roots, but that it can be done, even when a plant, or a life, endures great stress. 

Thanks again, Jim (and Beverly) - Roger would say  "You're a good man - with a capital M!"

And I think that we are both pretty thankful that Davis stopped to lend a hand with those holes that we probably should have dug BEFORE getting the plants out. Ah - God sends blessings when you least expect it! 

Rest up, my friend! I'll keep the water running! 

Chubbs?

Overcast. Cooling down. Not quite as humid.  Ahhhh. It is an random, ordinary Monday. Well, not so much.  Doing what people generally do in the late afternoon felt normal enough. Then.     Angelic sounding little bleep on the phone.  Text.  Of course I stopped to look.

Roger. Eternity.

And I realized once again that things are not normal - and they never will be again. They will just be different. 23 weeks does not change things but 23 weeks brings change.  As much as we might fight it, change happens.  I strive so much to help them be positive changes in the midst of a great loss though.

This morning I headed to therapy. I actually took the photo and started this post last Monday. ONE WEEK - Same time, same place.  Last week I kind of avoided typing - one finger typing is hard. 

I had started writing about a song on the radio. It played at the appropriate time as I was driving to therapy. Therapy is a positive experience but oh how I dislike the bandages. I have to constantly remind myself to 'push through.'  Roger could always distract me. And say 'Let's eat out!"  

I've had that little tune in my head all week. " You're an overcomer"
Most of the song is about struggles much more challenging than mine, but the message is the same.

Whatever it is you may be going through
I know He's not gonna let it get the best of you

You're an overcomer
Stay in the fight ‘til the final round
You're not going under
‘Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it's hopeless
That's when He reminds You
That you're an overcomer
You're an overcomer

And it is true. When I refuse to focus on my arm and how it slows me down, and I focus on "the goodness of God in the land of the living" (I can still hear Bro. Bill saying that!) - then things are always better.

Today my insurance lady helped me with long term care insurance. Man, does that date me!  She is so positive and the funniest thing came up when talking about the fire department.  Turns out that her brother (in law) worked for Orlando when Roger did. Same station.  I did not recall the name but when she talked about his good buddy Leon (Ellsberry) - lightbulb flash! - Leon was one of Roger's groomsmen!  Leon and Paige!  What a small world!   Once again God had led me to someone with a connection to Roger - even though she never knew him.   "Chubbs" - it definitely sounds like a firefighter nickname. I'll have to ask around! 

Personally, I would rather travel somewhere than invest in long term care insurance. With every day that goes by, I find that a desire of my heart is to exit quickly like Roger did. (Rapture preferred) Part of me says - why spend money on this,  part says- think of your children.  

Roger's Lesson:  Live as if this day is your last but plan for a long future.
He said it all the time. 

God will give me clarity and I will be patient.

Today though, I became an overcomer by typing this with one finger.

Puffer

Deep Blue Sea

It's interesting the way you can be sitting around chatting with friends and a word can be mentioned and all of a sudden memories just rush back.

Today, I heard the word, "charter" and I memories of 1972 came rushing back. I have only been on a charter boats once in my life.

Back in the days when we were dating, Roger and I used to take all of these little "Florida on a Tankful" day trips - yes, long before it was a Sunshine State slogan.  In the course of about a year, I imagine that we saw just about everything once could see in a day's time from Orlando.

Citrus Tower - back then, you could see orange groves as far as the eye could see.
Ponce Inlet Lighthouse - we climbed it many times

And then one day he had this grand idea that I should get up well before the crack of dawn - so early that it made me wonder why in the world I even went to bed the night before. He picked me up in his corvette, most certainly with Dunkin' Donuts already in hand, and we headed to the coast.

I want to say Port Canaveral, but I think it was Stuart.

Now, I am really not all that much of an outdoor girl. Really not much of a 'lots of water beneath me' girl. And most definitely not a 'ew this is so stinky over here' kind of girl.  Of course, you don't really tell those kind of things when you think you are in love and he decides that the surprise of the day is deep sea fishing.

How was it, I wonder, that I did not get that whole love of fishing thing much earlier? Starry eyes, I would guess.

I can almost guarantee that since the date was a surprise destination, I most certainly did not have sunscreen, sunglasses or a wide brimmed sun hat - much less a life jacket - with me.  Good sport that I was though, off I went. How he ever got me on that rocky boat I will never know. Just stepping front solid ground (even a dock) to a rocky boat still freaks me out until this day.  I can hear him though "Come on kiddo, just step across, I've gotcha!"

Trust. Faith.  He definitely did give me that sense that I could always trust him.

I wonder if he realized how freaky this was for me. I'm sure I stayed right by his side. I'm equally sure that I was also pretty well prepared to meet my Maker after a dip in that big ocean.  Funny how you miss really good stuff when fear gets in your way. But I was a good sport, and if he ever knew how afraid I was, he never let on.

Finally after a choppy ride out somewhere far from dry land, I found myself with a very large fishing pole in my hand. I am positive that someone else put bait on the hook because I can guarantee that I would not have touched anything slimy.  I recall why I never really took to fishing when Daddy tried to teach us, back when I was a kid.  "Judi, you talk too much." "Judi, you have to be still"
There was no place much to go on that little boat, so I just bet I kept my back right close to the wall of that cabin. Green wall, if I recall.

I recall almost losing the fishing rod because, well, I had a fish. Roger assisted but made me try to reel the thing in. I guess there must have been an adrenaline rush and a thrill of actually catching something - who knows?   I know that everyone thought my catch was pretty hilarious.

After the exhaustion of that little adventure, I remember sitting on a bench, by a window, in the shade. Clearly I have no idea what kind of boat I was on. Green. Wood. Not large.

I also do remember how Roger stuck with me, feeble that I was and how we enjoyed watching the sunset as we headed back to dry land.  It might have been that day that I first thought that he was a really special guy - love of fishing and all.

I did not have a camera, or any photos of that day, but that single word "charter" brought it all back to life in my mind.

Roger's Lesson:  He would be laughing about it and say "You've gotta try something new every now and then. How do you know if it is awful if you don't even try?"

And he would know that I listened to that advice far less often than I probably should have.

One thing he was going to do when he retired was to buy himself a little fishing boat - so he could teach the grandchildren, I am sure - for I was a lost fishing cause.  Perhaps he is fishing away in Heaven.  Of course, he will never get a catch as great as the one he got that day in Stuart.

And what did I land on my hook?  Oh, it is etched in my memory forever. Probably for the artistry of it all. All of God's creatures, great and small, each unique, each special, but none as special to Him as each of us who have a soul. A soul belonging to Him. A soul that He cares about more than anything ever.

I landed the most unusual creature I had ever seen in my life. Puffer-fish. They are actually quite toxic to humans, never mind that I would never have touched the thing anyway. He was set free right away! And everyone got a good laugh at the girl fisherman. They all caught fish you could actually eat. (Not that I would have eaten them either)

I do not remember another single person on that little boat except Roger. Might have been friends involved, might have been strangers. I had eyes for only one person.


And shortly after that little trip, he asked me to marry him. I guess he figured that if I could tough out that day and keep laughing, I could tough out most anything. I don't know about that, but after that ring was on my little ole finger, I checked deep sea fishing right off of my bucket list. Been there. Done that. Got the best catch of all!

To The Moon and Back

 "I see the moon and the moon sees me. God bless the moon and God bless me."  How often I recited that little poem with my mom when I was a little girl. 

There is just something about the moon. It so far out there in space, and yet, like tonight, almost seems like it is so close to the earth that one could reach out and touch it. 

It is really cool if you can get away from all the ambient light that fills our world - that includes the light from cell phones but especially things like street lights, outdoor landscape lighting, and even the glow of lights from parking lots.  Even in my rural area, it is not what it once was when darkness falls. It is so very hard to see a brilliant moon, much less the stars. 

Ah, but back in the day - around 1973 - we used to take the hard top off of that green 1968 Corvette and drive through west Orlando. Coming down Maguire Road was like taking a road into the vast unknown. It was two lanes, not a street lamp to be found, and surrounded with orange groves that were oh so fragrant at certain times of year.  We would make our way into Windermere, take a sand road over to what would one day become our little piece of heaven, right here on earth, and sit under the big ole camphor tree and just enjoy the stars - and the moon!  We could see it so wonderfully across Lake Butler. Of course, it was generally so dark, that if you did not know there was a lake out there - well, you better not take a walk!  Back then we could see the lights from Cinderella's Castle near the shoreline - but that was about the only light out there. 

It always reminded me about being a light in the darkness. In all of that darkness, you could see the Cinderella lights even though they were quite far away.  We can't see them today, in 2014. Nothing has changed regarding topography or distance - only the light has changed. And not in a good way. 

Rather like when I was gazing down from the airplane a week ago - wondering what it might be for Roger to be looking down on us - but also thinking about how God not only looks down and sees the big picture of our lives, but sees into our town, our home, and even into our hearts.   Sitting outside and looking up tonight, well, straining to see the brightness of that moon, I  have similar thoughts. 

I guess we always ponder that ever elusive question - WHERE is Heaven?  When I was a little girl, I thought it was on the moon. Then man walked on the moon and did not find Heaven. Shook up my little world!  But then I discovered that the Universe was so much larger than just the distance from here to the moon.  And as I grew (in wisdom and knowledge of Christ) - I came to understand that as vast as the universe is, there is so much more, and it does not matter the physical location of Heaven. Rather, what matters is that I understand the vastness and depth of God's love for me. His care for me as an individual - and that he is 'far out there in the universe, and yet right here with me at each moment.  Hard to fathom, I know. That's where faith and trust come in. 

But, that is what I am thinking about tonight. I'm wishing that Roger could be outside with me and we could be enjoying this Super Moon together. (Super Moon - when the moon is the closest to earth - and the tides are higher too!) Every full moon is not a Super moon - but each full moon is special.




I can't find Roger's little firefighter calendar with the 3-color dates, so I don't know if it would be his shift tonight or not. (If Scott is working, it is his shift!)  I do know this thought - if this were his shift tonight, he would pop in wide awake and cheerful on Sunday morning and say "WOW - It was a full moon last night and the crazies were out!"  -  He said that on EVERY full moon, whether he worked that shift or not.    Evidently some of the most absurd calls seem to come in on full moon nights. I guess only a first responder could understand that! 

Roger's Lesson:  Oh, about full moons, he would definitely be saying - "Don't be out tonight when the moon rises - The Crazies come out on Full Moon nights!"  
And he would make sure his girls were safe and sound inside, where he had an eye on things.   
And he would mean that we should be aware of where danger lurks and stay away from it. 

What he was doing was being our protector - seeing that we were safely away from danger when people were not quite paying attention to what they were doing.  Maybe that is what he meant by 'the crazies'   (Maybe I need a firefighter to explain that one to me) 

I'm inside, it is quiet. I'll go to sleep tonight praying for first responders - especially those at KSC where some of the most absurd things happened for Roger on full moon nights.  They keep watch all through the day and the night time too. They do a great job.

But it is not as great as the job God does, because He cares about each of us more than any of us can fathom. Bigger than the universe!   This verse is so special tonight - 
"Casting all your cares upon Him - for He careth for you" I Peter 5:7 - 
Yes, He does. Day after day and moment to moment. So blessed. 

This is the July 12, 2014 Super Moon from my point of view. 
For some reason, neighbors turned off their lights tonight! 
Look how bright! 

This one is for Roger, and my first one without him. 

I love you!  To the moon and back! 
Always have. Always will. 

Coffee?

Roger always liked Sally Ride. Back in the day, the members of the KSC Astronaut Rescue Team actually interacted with the astronauts. I guess they had to teach them things about how they would be rescued. I recall stories of slide wires, baskets, and such. It was fascinating listening to Roger tell the girls and me about these preparations for disaster on this still new thing called the Space Shuttle ( STS - shuttle transport system.) 

I'm not sure that we ever really got it that if they needed to be rescued, he would also be in a whole lot of danger. He always prepared us for an immediate exit on his part. We just always thought it would involve a space shuttle disaster, which was unlikely.  Well, as we now know, on the pad, unlikely. Back in those days, every launch was a test and everyone knew the danger. 

My favorite of his stories is about the night he was in the command vehicle, possibly for one of the fueling tests. It was a cold night and he planned ahead for them. Early in our marriage, when I found out that he liked hot coffee almost all the time, I started buying him a thermos. Do people still use those things? He broke more thermoses than I can even count. Those glass liners just did not take the tossing around.  One day I discovered this all aluminum, heavily insulated thermos and snatched that baby up. He loved it and toted it around for at least a couple of decades, if not more. It went on every road trip to Gatlinburg, and of course when he had cold nights out on the pad. It is still in great condition, though now coffee-less. 

I can still hear him tell the story. 

"I was stationed out at the pad. Man, it was cold that night! I was just sitting there, watching the bird (the shuttle on the pad) and heard this tap-tap-tap on my passenger window. I did not even know someone else was around. I rolled down the window a bit and this voice said - I heard there is only one guaranteed place to find a hot cup of coffee out here -  and she hopped on in the vehicle"

It was Sally Ride! She took the thermos cup lid and poured herself some coffee. Mmmm. We sat and drank coffee and chatted for quite some time, until I heard a message on 'the net' (the radio network, I gather)  "Sally please respond" "Sally, call in"

At which point, she said that they were evidently looking for her and she better get back. 
Thanks for the hot coffee!  And she hopped out of the command vehicle and disappeared into the night. 

I'm sure that at some point he told me what they were talking about - politics, would be my guess - or travel, and likely, exploring the heavens.  But I always loved the story. Roger was definitely known for his love for coffee.  When one of the girls had to do a science report for school, he suggested Sally Ride as a really good topic. Along with a signed photo, of course! 

Unless Roger ever made a pot of coffee for you, most people don't know that his favorite coffee was made in an old fashioned percolator. Karin and I were laughing about that! She really wanted a Kurig for her birthday or Christmas last year and even took him shopping to introduce him to this new fangled coffee maker. (Better than a Mister Coffee, which he also would never use) We were talking about how he only invested in things that he believed in, and he told her that without a doubt, that he would not be spending $100 or more on a coffee POT no matter how much she wanted one. "I have a percolator that has worked for 35 years and it still makes great coffee!"  (Actually, almost 41 years, but who is counting!)  What can you do but laugh? He was right. 

Roger's Lesson: Just because it is newfangled and costs more does not mean that it is better. 

That may be true, but as selective as he was about his Dunkin Donuts brand coffee, we never could figure out how he could stand it with the grounds in the bottom of the cup - percolator style. 

But then, that is a whole other story unto itself! 

Sally has passed on, as has Roger. Are they chatting in Heaven? I know Roger is, but I don't know about Sally. From all we know, she was a private person and kept pretty much to herself. We may never know, until eternity. I know he liked her and would like to be chatting with her again. 

I can guess that if she sat in his vehicle for much time at all, the conversation more likely than not visited the heavens and the earth, God's amazing creation, and eternity. 

One interesting thing about life is that as much as you know a person, when they are gone, you start finding out how much more you did not know. You also start seeing how some decisions really do have to be made when you are on this earthly journey toward eternity. Procrastination or just failing to make a decision is still a decision. It just is most likely that failure to decide likely won't get you the outcome you actually desired.  Roger's exit was really fast. I'm glad his decision was made and he firmly believed in it long before he left us. 

I treasure our wonderful conversations. While I might not be as interesting as good ole Sally, I had something she did not have. I had Roger all the time. I had his fun and his laughter and his quirkiness that makes for more memories than I can even count. And I had blessings beyond belief for more than four decades.  

And I have the hope in Jesus that I will see him again! 

Nothing is better than that!  Not even percolator coffee. 

Over and Out

It is therapy day. The last day I had a therapy session was the morning of February 10.  
The afternoon of February 10, I was snatching bandages off my arm as I was grabbing my keys and making my way to the hospital after I got that urgent call - "go to health central now, daddy had a heart attack."  

Those are words a mother never wants to hear. 

As I found myself driving toward Clermont, my mind and heart were both racing. I passed First and Main. "What were his last thoughts?'  We know now that it happened so fast. I can't help but wonder though. 

I passed the fire station where Engine 39 lives. What a wonderful group of dedicated firefighters we have in Ocoee. They respond to calls in Windermere. I am thankful for them. They were so fast. They never gave up.  The kids and I happened to stop in a few days ago to deliver a gift to a few of those firefighters. They could not make it to the awards ceremony and we had been trying to catch them for over a month. Shift work, you have to catch them on the right day, and then hope they are actually in the station. It is a very busy station. It did not bother me to keep going back because I knew someone needed them more than I did at that moment.  It was good though to say thank you face to face. I gave them patches. Firefighters like to exchange patches - rather like we do with Disney pins.  Roger had few patches because as we all know, he did not collect stuff. He collected friends and he collected memories.  Other than a few 9-11 Fire Department items, he did not have other patches. But the Station 39 firefighters liked their patches. (Thanks, Rick) 

I continued my drive to Clermont and with so many thoughts of Roger's last day on this earthly journey flooding my mind, I almost missed the message on the radio. I've pretty much given up talk radio. Too much arguing.  Z-88 is not my fav, mostly because I like enunciation and I can't always understand their songs - but, given what Central Florida has to offer, it has been the station that is on most of the time.  Background noise - that is what most of the stuff of life is these days. 

But "The Z" always says that God directs their song choices and it is always what someone needs at the moment.  Most of the music is about seriously tragic life choices and about how God pulls them out and carries them through.  In that my life has not been what one would call 'tragic' - it does not always hold my attention. 

But sometimes - sometimes a song will come on that just says it all and has enunciation. 

In Christ Alone - my hope is found, He is my light, my strength, my song;
This Cornerstone, this Solid Ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

This was speaking to me for sure! He has been my strength - for years actually, but particularly of late. Oh how I wished I could sing out like the one on the radio.  

What heights of love, what depths of peace,when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All, here in the love of Christ I stand.

Verses two and three tell the story - but hang on until the end! 

In Christ alone! who took on flesh, Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness, Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid; Here in the death of Christ I live.

Ah - there are those who understand, but reject. And those who just don't understand, can't fathom this kind of love. Roger knew this kind of love and shared it. 

Verse three - the amazing part! And to sing it boldly! 

There in the ground His body lay, Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day, Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory, Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -, Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

And then this remarkable thing happened....
Remember - I had been wondering as I passed First and Main - What was he thinking those last steps.....

Maybe this is the answer! 
And I belted it out with the musician! I know the words. I know that if Roger had any sense of what was happening and that he had finished his earthly journey, this is what he would have been telling us....

No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath. Jesus commands my destiny.

No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

What a message!
"The Z" was right. God sends the message to the one who needs it.
I knew the answer all along, but it surely is great to get the message loud and clear right when you need it. 

These tears, this morning's tears, these were tears of thankfulness. 
I'm thankful that Roger made the most important decision of his life many years ago and never turned away from it. I'm thankful that he knew it was important to raise a family with the same eternal hope. Because of the hope we have in Jesus, we will be sad, of course, but it will be momentary in light of eternity. I am thankful that He gives me the strength and grace I need each day, and the promise of eternity. I am thankful that we will all see him again when we each see Jesus. 

Roger's Lesson:  Oh, I already got it. "Verse #4, Sweetie"  

Roger, over and out. 
For the moment. 

Distraction

I have come to appreciate the quietness in my home. It has somehow moved from uneasy to almost welcoming. Maybe not welcoming, but at least comfortable.  

It is interesting the way I can distract myself with a quiet, almost mindless project and yet still feel the presence of God with me. Perhaps subconsciously I am thinking about Heaven, eternity, pondering the whys of all that has taken place recently -- and there He is to reassure me, to comfort me, and yes, to encourage me. 

I cleaned out another closet. This one was filled with sewing projects and photo collections. I am organized, for sure, but boy, do I collect a lot of stuff! Karin was excited when she saw the volume of photos - she saw yet another project ...DIGITIZE! 

Right now, there is so much stuff that my mind is a blur, an organized blur, but a blur. 

Somehow I shifted gears and started putting photos of Roger in frames. For some reason I had collected all my silver frames and put them in one spot! OCD, yes.   

We were surprised, actually, to have found so many photos of him when we were putting together a video for his service. He avoided cameras like the plague. Generally if we got a photo, the look on his face almost screamed "are you finished yet?"    I worked for almost 40 years to get him to relax and smile and it would not hurt...kind of like they tell you when you get a shot! 

Photography back in the day was not what it is today.  I almost wish I had just shot everything in black and white. Colors fade - but memories don't. 

Some of the best photos were actually black and white - from his childhood. With parents. With grandparents. On a pony, riding a tricycle, at the fair, with his dad in uniform, school photos,  band photo, graduation, army photo, fire department climbing to the top of the aerial ladder, and with fish. Always the fish!  He was cute, adorable, fearless. 

Oh the funny photos I ran across. He was 29 when I met him. (I was all of 19 - crazy, right!) One of our first dates  - and his crazy outfit - that he thought was just groovy.  He bought them from the Sears Catalog, of course (See May 12.)  Him cleaning out a pumpkin after he had brought me 10 - yes, TEN - giant ones, all stuffed into a Corvette.  Little did he know that I did not like ick on my hands.  And yet, he came back for another date. Go figure! 

Wedding photos - faded too because we, along with many of our friends, used a photographer who used cheap products - he was long gone by the time our photos faded. But we have the memories. 

Photos of him with his little girls - so precious. 

Fire Department - some I had never seen. They showed up during another OCD organizational project. Thank goodness for Fire Dept friends who sent photos home with him or I would have had nothing. Now I need to find those friends and find out what the photos are all about! 

Of course, this only showed a small part of his life. There are memories that we carry that will never show up in a  photo. I love photography because it triggers your memory for things you might bury beneath the surface. We have so much bombarding us these days, that it is harder and harder to recall it all. 

And yet, in the quiet, God still spoke. I picked up one more item and it was not a photo at all. It was a bookmark. It held the image of a cup of steaming hot coffee. And it read "His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is Thy Faithfulness" (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Here I was, both enjoying the photos and feeling all teary again because I miss him so much, and God was right there, reassuring me that I will be fine. He has been here and He will be here each and every morning - actually each and every moment. He is faithful. 

Roger's Lesson:  Oh, he would say that I should probably stop doing things that make me cry - but he would know that I would not listen. But he would say about God's faithfulness - "I won't say I told you - but I told you!" 

Yes - photos are good, but a wise young man often reminds me not to live my life behind the lens of a camera. I have used the camera less and less recently. I find that being 'in the moment' with whomever I am with is not only a good thing, it ought to be the preferable thing. 

My memory is not fading, but I still hold onto the camera because I just love the memories. 
I wish I had made Roger endure and smile at the little birdie just a little more often though. 

A hundred photos is just not enough - and if you don't like photos, you might as well smile anyway because it all shows up and sooner or later, somebody is going to remember you in that photo! 

Roger - I thank my God, every time I think of you.....
Which is pretty often! 

Scooped Up

It is so interesting how you can put your head on the pillow at night and think all will be well until morning's bright sunshine breaks through the window.

Not so last night. OK. I overdid it. I have this annoying little problem with my arm. It needs attention every day. I don't pay attention every day. Sometimes, I just get tired of it. Roger always kept me on track. He knew that you have to deal with the little things every day or they become big things.

Residual effects, he called them. Yes, from cancer, thankfully almost 2 decades ago. I always thought that Roger would outlive me. My genes were weak, or so I thought. He was always so strong. He stuck with me through the cancer. Even on that last treatment when I was 'over it" "just could not do it anymore" "was tired and ready to call it a day" - no he persevered when I had no strength to do so. I'll never forget that day. I ran to the big swing under the grand camphor in the front yard. I buried myself in my pillow and blanket and made up my mind to stay there and let this thing consume me.  I was more tired than I had ever been in my life, and so sick of being sick.  I never have figured out how poison is supposed to make you better. I guess it is just God's way of letting man do what man thinks he has to do because he is so smart. In reality, God controls it all. He controlled - maybe allowed - me to have Roger by my side through that tough walk.  He gave up trying to reason with me and finally just scooped me up and carried me to the car. I remember that I slept through that last treatment, blanket over my head. I often wonder what I might have missed, encouraging others, or being encouraged. It was a learning experience for sure, and through it all, there were changes in me. For the better, I hope. I asked God during the process to always remind me of the journey, so that I would not forget His faithfulness to us.

He allowed lymphedema into my life sometime after that. It came on suddenly, was managed, and managed over time. Always a reminder of that journey though, and I accepted it fairly well. But then, Roger was always there to help me during the challenging times, to move the fluid, to cheer me on and to lend a hand when it was needed.

I guess after 5 months of my not paying attention as closely as I should, it was time for a rebound. Ah. Bandages. Goodness knows, I have the tools to manage it, if I will. That reminds me of life - we have the tools to manage things - if we use them. The best tools are in the Bible - it teaches so much because it is a living, breathing, book - words straight from God.

So, I bandaged up and got ready for a restful night, all ready to be up and at em in the morning. Ah...not so! Three AM rolled around and I knew immediately what I had done. Too tight. You can't apply bandages too tight or you get....numbness!

There were other reasons that I woke up as well, I believe. During that time of trying to loosen the wraps, I was prompted to pray for various people. Some of them, I don't even know, but Roger did. Most, I had no idea what they needed, but God did. I always have felt that when you wake out of a very restful sleep and have people on your mind, it just must be God's way of prompting because a prayer call is needed. Not much is better for anyone than prayer support. I have been, still am, the recipient, and I know this to be true!

After dozing a bit more, that sunshine came through my window! God is faithful. He always allows us to bask in His warmth after a difficult time. Sometimes I think those difficult times take so long because we just don't lean on Him enough. We don't let Him carry us when we are too weak.

I had not thought of Roger carrying me off to that last treatment in years and years. And I am not sure that I ever thought of his doing so, as the way Christ carries us through when we are too weak. I don't think that just means physical illness either. As humans, we are weak in so many ways.

Still, I surely am glad He gave me that example, that reminder.  It just makes me really sad that I could not see that Roger had something going on - no one seemed to see it - and I wish we had. He did for others what none of us seemed able to do for him.

Roger's Lesson: He would tell me that Christ carries those who are His own and to be there to help others but to remember that it is not any of us who knows the outcome of any journey, only God knows that - but faith and trust in Him will carry us through.

He surely was a good example of living that - not just for me, but for lots of people.

Rest well, Roger. Enjoy the fullness of Heaven.

Refuge

It is not often that you see a woodpecker at ground level, but then it is not often that he flies by and wonders 'where the heck is my tree?' What a season we have had with trees. What can not be seen from the image is the gigantic rotted out hole that is only being surrounded by bark and up to one inch in width of trunk, not all in outstanding condition.  How this 50+ year old Laurel Oak kept standing was beyond me. 

Roger would not at all have liked the chain saw activity around this place in the past months. I never really figured out if his aversion to taking down trees was the money involved or the love of the tree, but he had a tendency to deal with things when they were on the ground. Nice for a first responder, but way out of my personal comfort zone. Being the practical person that I am, when three experts advised me to leave the house if a storm came through, well....figure it out. You pay now, or you pay later. 

It was hard for me to get a clear reading on what Roger would have done with this situation. I did not see cardinals or find any shield pennies, so I guess I know. 

I do know that while I do not miss the squirrels, I certainly do miss the woodpeckers, various birds, owls, hawks, and even the occasional raccoon that lived in or at least visited this particular tree.  It is so sad to see trees expire, but I guess like everything else, it is all in God's plan for each living thing. Dying - a part of living. 

I watched as the woodpecker went about his business finding the bugs that gave him nourishment. I also thought about the times that we sat in a swing in this old tree - oh so many years ago before the swing's limb fell - and we watched birds and sang songs with the girls, and recited poems.

THE WOODPECKER
The Woodpecker pecked out a little round hole
And made him a home in a telephone pole
One day when I watched, he poked out his head
He had on a helmet and collar of red!  

When the streams of rain pour out of the sky
And the sparkles of lightning go flashing by
And the great big sheets of thunder roll
He can snuggle right back in his telephone pole!
                             By Elizabeth Roberts

Of course, it has to be very sing-song-y and you have to act. it. out.  One must also remember that while other woodpeckers have hoods, ours had helmets because they were firefighter woodpeckers and firefighters have helmets. (And yes, we had a telephone pole nearby!)

Oh, how I love to recall those days when the girls were small. I often wonder if we appreciated enough back then, the wonderful life we had here, out in the woods with our sand streets and abundance of trees. I can still feel the summer breezes and recall the mazes we used to rake with all of those freshly fallen oak leaves - zillions of them.   How funny that I don't recall the mosquitos, though I bet there were plenty!

I hope memories remain like that. The good stuff of life. I am thankful that even though life was ordinary and of course at times, I guess it had to be tense, but I don't think of those things. How I wish it had always been only laughter, but you grow through those tough times. And you grow together because you get through things together. You don't give up.

Yes indeed, I am going to miss this old tree. But, I'll wait for the mulch to decay a bit so the soil will be enriched, and then I shall plant another - maybe even a few. And the birds will have homes, and other critters too. And I won't live to see it come to it's maturity, but that is life too. 

Roger's Lesson:  I guess he would say "Swing while you can, sweetie!"  He would remind me to keep making the most of every moment, for dying is indeed a part of living, and you never know if you will die young or old, sickly or apparently healthy. Only God knows the number of your days. 

Yes, Roger - and I ran across the same little reminder of the verse God gave me the night Papa left for Heaven ...."As for my God, His way is perfect."   Psalm 18:31

And yes, His way is still perfect, even if I do not understand it.  It goes on to say that His promises are tested and are true, and that He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him.  

And here I will stay.  I will take refuge in Him the same way that woodpecker took refuge in that old tree. The only difference is that God is not going to leave me.  What a promise!