Marching!

 April 24, 2015

It is the craziest things that make me miss Roger so much. Tonight was one of them.

Second grade program. He was into whatever Emily was doing at school and this year her grade did the patriotic program. (Yes, April - weird, but I guess it was Tax time!)

The kids did a great job. Roger would have been cracking up watching all of those little kids on stage.  I tend to watch with the
"Director's Eye" -  you know, who is paying attention, who is singing, who is trying to tell the kids around them what they should be doing.  You work so long for the show and you just want everything to be perfect.

One thing I learned along the way is that nothing is ever 100% perfect so you might as well plan for the best and go with the flow.

Having put down the "Director's Hat," I actually watched the show tonight in a much more relaxed phase of life. (Or maybe I was just tired anyway and needed to relax?)

The curtain barely opened and the PARENTS in the audience were waving at their kid like crazy - calling out their names, etc.  Oh man, talk about getting a bunch of kids off task!  But the music teacher clearly planned for that. She is likely used to it.

Emily started off the show by leading the Pledge of Allegiance.  I was thrilled to see this, in this a-political world we think our public schools are involved in. Quite different here, I was happy to see.
She knew her lines well, was not afraid of the microphone, and actually knew everyone else's lines as well. That's our girl!

The stage was all decked out in Red, White and Blue and the kids were all dolled up and took us on a tour of American History in under an hour.   They even had Jackie Kennedy, pumps and pill box hat included! And Michelle Obama "EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!"

I caught myself singing to myself as they sang those beloved songs, some of which I had almost forgotten....We Gather Together to Ask the Lord's Blessings....for Thanksgiving. ... all the verses too!

You're a Grand Old Flag - Indeed!  And their portion where they honored servicemen and veterans was touching.

When they sang Fifty Nifty United States - from 13 original colonies -....you are singing along, right? We caught ourselves again. Long term memory intact!

Our favorite part though, made us think of someone very special to us.  The US Navy Fight Song.
The class stepped to the front of the stage and started marching - side by side.  I'm not sure if Emily had been watching a Shirley Temple movie or if the steps were her originals.  She marched like she meant it though! Skirt flying, arms pumping, knees high! For a really long time too!

It might not have been what the teacher wanted, but she was clearly a hit!  I wonder if they put her center stage so they can keep an eye on her or if they do it because she is so very entertaining.

Roger would have been cracking up and enjoying every minute! I could almost see him sitting there with his big shoulders pumping up and down as he tried to contain his belly laugh, his body shaking all over.  He would have had her all excited about ice cream before she ever left the stage.

He would have congratulated her teacher for working so hard with the kids.

Roger's Lesson:  Enjoy the activity and don't worry so much about the process, or the perfection you strive for. You don't have to do that anymore, so just enjoy the kids. 

Yes, I think I got that one.
I did enjoy every moment of it.
And I was very thankful that I did not have a hot flash in that very warm cafeteria.  I know - automatic air conditioning. It goes off at 6 each night so it saves energy. Nighttime activity or not.

I'm thankful that Emily has teachers who love her a lot and are helping her as she grows into a beautiful young lady. Seeing her on stage made me have flashbacks of Kristin. I don't think Kristin was quite as energetic on stage, but she was adorable just like Emily!  Roger would have said so, too!

Anchor's Away!  Emily marched for you MC!

Zero

April 20, 2015

Distracted. Yes. Almost two weeks of emotions going all over the place - oh my, that is so exhausting!

Perhaps thinking that it was a year ago (last week) that we were decorating the 5K course with red and blue ribbons - celebrating first responders and what they mean to us - and just realizing that a year went by so fast - and so incredibly slowly....it just took me down.

Being a  'mostly up' person, it is hard when I just get in a funk. I started feeling healthier and actually doing things that felt normal. "Spring Clean" - now that was exciting - especially since I was not the one on my knees with a scrubby pad!   I even put the pain pills away because I was not feeling it so much anymore. Somehow, I felt kind of invincible.

Of course, always recognizing that none of this was because of - "not the health nut me" - and only because of our specific prayers -mine, yours, ours - God gave me that exciting measure of really feeling good for a bit!  I even made it to the sunrise service on Easter. While it was not as sweet as Heaven, of course, but it was pretty close!

Life is like that, though, and I had forgotten. You work hard to get to 'the top of the mountain' and get a wonderful glimpse of the beauty of life around you. You breathe in deeply and it does not hurt tremendously and you realize that you don't ache all over - and you think the toughest part is over.

Wonderful, right? We rejoice, and praise God, and thank each other for love and support.

Doing things in your own power, or at least with part of your own power is just not the way to go - and yet, don't we all slip back into that mode every now and again?  I got busy more, and still less.  I went back to my project-driven self and forgot what a blessing the quietness and stillness had actually been. You can't really communicate with God when you are so darned busy. You can think about Him, but not really listen to Him.

Thankfully I have people around me who truly love me and are willing to risk telling me hard things, even when it has to be incredibly hard for them to say so.  "Mom, you were REALLY crabby this morning, what is going on?"      Thankfully, it took only days, and not weeks or month to take the risk and say that!

Thankfully, after caregiving for a couple of very difficult parents (not both mine), I determined in my heart to try to be a bit easier than that for my children. I determined to try my best not to dig my heels in the ground and just 'be me" and I hoped that they would not give into my 'demands' but actually make me desire to be reasonable.  And they are precious. They don't control me, but guide me in controlling myself.  (Have faith, mothers of teens!)

I am so abundantly blessed.  No one locked me in the house and said, 'we will be back when you are acting nicer.'   Talk it through - what is behind it. What is your story?

Most people have a story behind what is driving them to be a 'royal pain' anyway.

Mine?
I felt like a failure. Pure and simple, I got away from the pain meds and then I needed them again - and I let myself believe that it was because I was weak and had little faith.

And everything became larger than life after that.  The fluid level increased so I believed the cancer was on a roll and growing again.  The pain had increased and I believed that the bones were giving out.  The headaches were bad and it never occurred to me that I was just not sleeping well.  Little things like children being children almost put me over the top and I felt like I was itching from the inside out. And it was because I was scared that it was all coming back.

The doctors all told me it was mostly a mind game. Yes - and I do believe that when your mind is not fixed on God all the time, you can very easily crash and burn.   I have come to realize (time and again actually) that the key is in recognizing that we actually were never created to fight these really tough things in life under our own power.  God put something within us that makes us need Him - and He actually loves it when we call upon Him.     (Of course, I actually prefer to thank Him for what He means to me and for the blessings in this thing called life more than I care to ask Him to make me more comfortable - and yet sometimes, He does remind me that He is also the Great Physician and I am so glad of it!)

Truly, our days are numbered by the Lord. He says so. I believe it. He already gave me 16 years more than the doctors did- and I trusted Him then, and I trust Him now.  So silly to think negatively, right?

So, we thought we had the fluid game beat, and I was SOOOO joyful. Than it built up again. CRASH.   In reality, we do most likely have it licked on the right side.  Zero for four times in a row!    The left is still up and down but on a steady downhill path.  50-50-75-40....and today, ZERO.  But, I must remember that it is only a start and only a measuring tool.  It is not the total answer, but it is AN ANSWER. An answer to a lot of prayers offered by a lot of people, many whom I do not even know.     And it is the marker they seem to be using to decide 'chemo or no chemo' - oh, my, PRAISE THE LORD FOR ZERO!

Now to face my fears - that they will remove the cath and I won't be able to get rid of the fluid.  Is it like removing the training wheels?  Is it just another mind game?

Roger's Lesson: What are you fighting for? They told you to keep your focus on what you are fighting for and not to let your mind control you.   Keep your mind focused on God and in His Strength, you'll get through this.   Look at the people and things around you and appreciate them each day and you will have lived well.  Besides, you have a long time til 70.      (Yes, that is what he would have said! Three score and ten!)

My focus - to live each day with purpose and to keep up this earthly walk until I have fulfilled the purpose that God has for me here.    

And if I can do that and not let my project-oriented self wander all over the planet in order to avoid being still, then that will be a grand accomplishment!

After all, the words of my mother continually 'haunt' me .....
"Judi, be still, you always move too fast!" 

3 AM ?

I can never get enough of the full moon nights.
So often I find myself waking up during the night and running to a window to see where the moon is in its travels across the sky.

I love looking out in the middle of the night and seeing the shadows that are thrown across the lawn.  (florida lawn = an assortment of things that are green, which, when mowed, look even - like a lawn)

Early in the evening of this full moon - it was still rising in the east. It was 9:30 or so and I had to take the dog out for an 'emergency' walk.  As much as I love watching the full moon from indoors, I found that I did not have the same feeling while outdoors.

The weather was wonderful. This was the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox. In other words, it was a springtime moon, and right before Easter.

Florida is not too muggy (humid) this time of year, especially at night. It was a nice walk.....until....

I live in a nice woodsy area. Big trees. Hoot Owls. Hawks.  Eagles.  Things that fly and make interesting noises.   And 'skeeters - that land softly and leave a sting. Bothersome!

And things that fly and make no noise.

Yes, bats.
Ok - it was not this many.  I snagged this image from somewhere.
It felt like this many though.

My phone camera was tucked in my pocket. No effort at all was made to take a photo.

I had to hold my shirt up around my neck.

And hold onto the leash, and my hiking stick.
And try to walk really really fast so that I could get

INSIDE!

Why do bats creep me out?

They are odd little creatures.  I understand that they are very helpful with mosquito control.
I like that, especially living in Florida.
I don't hang out outdoors at night an awful lot, so they don't bug me most of the time.
I am not even aware of them most of the time.

Perception. The movies made them out like little devil animals that suck the blood out of you.
I guess that is where I got the idea to cover my neck. Dracula?

Roger would sit outside in the swing any time of the day - or night - for as long as he wanted to. He never cared about mosquitos - or bats.     I was out of there at the first buzzzzz.      He would tell me nothing was going to 'get me."   I am sure he was right, but I would ease away by offering to go bake brownies.

Who could turn that down, right?!

Roger's Lesson:    You miss out on some of the most wonderful moments in life when you let your perception of something drive your decisions.  It is better to learn about something and then know if you would be in danger or not. 

OK. I can accept that.
However....I will still stick with the 'opposites attract' concept.
He liked out. I liked in.
Especially in Florida.
Especially in the dark.

But I still love full moon nights, and I think of Roger with every single one of them.
My favorite place in the house is by the front windows, around 3 AM, when the moon is directly overhead.  The massive camphor tree casts the most remarkable shadows on the green lawn. The swing still hangs there - as if waiting for it's owner to come out and sit a while under those grand, spreading limbs.  It is one of those scenes that I really ought to capture on canvas.

By 3 AM the bats would be gone - back to sleeping - mosquito food wiped out for the night.
One of these days I want to venture out around 3 AM and just sit a while.

Maybe in May. There will be another full moon.

I will probably wake up Chief (the dog) and take him with me. He will be very puzzled, but I will know that Chief will keep me alert, protect me, comfort me.

If I believed in reincarnation........
well....some things are just too strange to believe!

Eye Contact

The crazy things you see on social media. A lot of them make me laugh. I think that these days, in America, we have lost the ability to laugh at ourselves. We all have idiosyncrasies. We are all a bit odd in one way or another.  We all have that thing called an 'achilles heel'  - that weakness, that, when it is hit, makes us thing we are being picked on.

Back in the day, that was called kidding around.  Some of that makes you tough enough to take on the junk of life.  Taken too far, it shakes your emotional self.   I am not a fan of what people tend to call 'kidding' - often in the form of sarcasm - I blame it on my mother.

Mothers - sometimes they drive you crazy, but when you get older, you realize what they were saying was true after all!  My mother would say that with sarcasm, there is most often an element of truth. Today we call it things like bullying.  That is bad stuff for sure.

Roger had interesting ways to try to determine what was teasing and what was indeed bullying.  He knew that there were times when you had to face up to things in your character that needed some work. Sometimes these things came in joking little ways, but they were true.

We always had fun with Roger and technology.  I think Karin put it something like this....
"My dad worked in a place with some of the most advanced technology in the world, NASA.  Yet he insisted on carrying a pager, a decade after they had become obsolete.  And he never did figure out how to turn the buzzer off!"

His response on earth was to laugh at us about our frustration with him.   I am sure that he was still laughing when Karin spoke those words for his Eulogy.

I laughed a lot when I saw this cartoon.  This would NEVER have been Roger.  Had this been reality in Heaven, he might have been looking for an exit.

Roger's Lesson:  Conversation. Real people. Eye contact. Those things are important. You can have friends all over the world, but there is absolutely nothing that compares with actually looking at a real human being when you are talking to them. 

Tonight we celebrated Jim's birthday.  (I did not ask what number - he is very young, yet oh so wise beyond his years for whatever age he is)       Had Roger been present at gift time, he would have laughed, but he would surely have been shaking his head just as much.

Jacob had a birthday a week ago and received a piece of technology some would covet.  Father and Son - they are so much alike sometimes.  They both love white. Boxes. And logos shaped like fruit.  "ANYTHING in a white box can't be bad!"

It might be a good thing that mama does not release an unlimited budget for toys! Keeping these two under wraps when it comes to technology can not be an easy thing. And little sis is not that far behind! Today was a sad day for her - even after she ate the chocolate cake - almost all of it!

Curiosity - oh!   Well, Jim, I thought about writing all of that wonderful, feel-good stuff about how and why we love you so much, but I bet I did that last year. It still stands. You are still in the category of 'most wonderful' - and even more-so this year than ever before.

But this year - I think about how you make me laugh. I think about how you stay on the cutting edge of tech toys but you still have time for real people. You see needs. You serve. You share your really big heart.

We laughed a lot at Roger about his go-phone and pager and the crazy ways he just did not want to change with the technological times. He laughed with us and never ever thought of it as sarcasm, but as his ability to maintain who he was.  (Old school, right?)

And we know that Roger was indeed looking right down on us tonight - enjoying our laughter - maybe even hoping they were serving up heavenly wings for dinner.  We knew because that person - who was that person - walked by and put pennies on the table. The ones that were on the floor. The ones we never saw.  The shield penny.   Ever a reminder of his love for us.  Ever a reminder of his love, his protection over his family.

I surely am glad that you are a big part of my family! I am forever thankful that God brought you into our lives.

Do something special with your GRANT - and enjoy that new tech toy - now you can be like your son!

You two are a pair! A really, really delightful pair!

But please, don't ever get too attached to whatever technological wonder might be in your hands.

You'll need that eye contact in Heaven!

All my love, sweet one!

GLORY!

April 5, 2015

The first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox.

I can do that math.  

Vernal Equinox - First day of spring - the date when the length of day and night are the same. (March 20 this year)

The first full moon after the Vernal Equinox - that was April 3.  I remember the moon being full on Jacob's birthday.     Roger always said that the crazies came out on the full moon - meaning of course, that the craziest calls came in.  Jacob was not too crazy on his 14th birthday, so the first responders were safe. April 3 was also Good Friday - Jacob shared the date this year.  Both celebrations were special.

First Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox - Sunday, April 5.     We call it Easter Sunday.   I personally like "Ressurection Day."

Easter is about a lot of things to a lot of people.
Some people say it is about new life - Eggs and all that stuff.  
Some say it came from a pagan festival - fertility - bunnies, I guess are representative of that.  
Some say it is just another Hallmark moment and a celebration of spring.

I have to say that there was a time when I loved the shopping for the new pastel clothing and white shoes and hats and bags and flowers.  That was when the girls were younger and it is just the thing you do when you like to doll up your little girls.   I am older now. Hopefully wiser now.  I care less and less about material things.  I care a whole lot more about eternal things.   Life changes you like that. If you are really fortunate, it changes you early in life.  It is not always tragedy that changes you, but often it is.

I love sunrise on Resurrection Day.  I am anything but a 'crack of dawn' kind of girl, but when I do rise before dawn, I am always glad that I did. There is something about sunrise that is spectacular. The world is so fresh and clean. Nothing has messed up the day just yet.

My goals - lately they are not exceptionally long term goals. Long term, yes, in the sense that I have asked God to allow me to remain here until I fulfill His purpose for my life.  How long - I don't know, any more than Roger knew a year ago.  

But goals, markers, are a good thing. As time has passed this winter and early spring, I have set my sights on certain things.  Once spring arrived and a little energy returned, I set my sights on Easter morning - and I really hoped for sunrise.  Karin helped me achieve that goal and joined me at the foot of the Cross.

There were huge gatherings all over town on Easter morning. SeaWorld Amphitheatre, Amway Center, DP Performing Arts Center, The Pines on Lake Down.....lots of traffic too!  It was actually really nice to know that all of these places were at capacity at sunrise.  Some people only go to church on Christmas and Easter, and while I think they miss quite the blessing, twice a year is better than not at all.

As for me, give me the smaller, more intimate gathering. Give me traditional hymns. UP FROM THE GRAVE HE AROSE!   There is only one day of the whole year that this hymn speaks most loudly.  Don't give me the contemporary stuff - give me the real depth of the message - the joy - even what was a surprise to so many.

He Arose!      Yes, it starts off pretty sad, like a funeral durge.  And then, just like Christ broke out of the tomb - oh, if done with enthusiasm and joy, the sounds of this song are nothing short of life-giving!  NEW life-giving!  It is the Resurrection message, after all!

Sunrise arrived at 7:11 AM and even though it was overcast, the sun still broke through. The warmth of that reflection on the Cross served to remind me of the warmth I feel even in the saddest or most lonely of times, simply because He LIVES.

On this Resurrection Day, I spent time thinking about so many wonderful people who do much more in the way of selfless service to others than I even think about doing, and they may or may not attend church, and they may, but possibly don't have this amazing thing called a relationship with Christ.    And then I think about eternity and all of those wonderful things you do on earth, but how you can absolutely miss the joy of an eternity in Heaven by missing the one key ingredient - a relationship with Christ.

And yes, people have different belief systems, and that is fine, because in America, that is one of the amazing freedoms we embrace. I have studied many of those belief systems and even thought about which made sense to me. But - when I came right down to it, there was only one that allowed me to have a relationship with a LIVING God. And there was only one way to commune with Him, and that is through a relationship with Christ.  

More now, than ever before in my life, I can not possibly be thankful enough for the fact that I chose to accept that relationship many years ago. I did not 'have it all together' then, and I certainly have a lot more to learn, but I love that He accepted me where I was, loved me each and every moment of every day, and still does.

I have learned so much more in the past year, through the tough times, through the sad times, through the incredibly hard days and nights, that Jesus cares deeply and is not going to leave me helpless.

I know this Because He Lives! - oh yes, another of my favorite Hymns - and it would have been Roger's Lesson for me this day, and every day.   Because He Lives - you CAN face tomorrow. Because He lives - let your fear be gone.  Because HE holds the future - life is worth living - but only because He lives!        Roger often quoted things that he thought were important.                   This is one of them! 

Bunnies and eggs - oh, they make Easter fun in a different way.        I see eggs and I see new life. I see designed eggs and I see the amazing creativity of God - how we are all so different, and yet so much alike, all with this void inside of us that will be filled with something - either with a living God, Christ - or with something else, even good things, but not Christ.

I see bunnies and I think about how rapidly they reproduce themselves. I hope Heaven is absolutely filled to the edges of the Heavenly Gates with people who have reproduced themselves for Christ - Christ living in them and then in others.

And of course, I know that Heaven is big enough for every soul who ever lived or will live - but I also know that not all will choose to live there for eternity.

The final part of the song....
I sing it with joy and I hope that I live it out, because I look forward to the day that I see Jesus, my friend, my Saviour!

Yes - one day, I will cross that 'river.'      Just as friends and loved ones have done before me, and some very recently, I'll be finished with that earthly 'fight' we call living - even if it is joyful living - it is only a part of the journey.  But death - sad as it may be for those who remain on earth - ah....it gives way to victory OVER DEATH - for that is what Resurrection Day is really all about.

And then - the LIGHTS OF GLORY ..... I love thinking about it as the sun breaks through the morning skies ......  FOR I KNOW - without a doubt - That my Saviour LIVES!

It just gives me really good shivers all over to think about Glory.   I like thinking about the Rapture too....that feeling of taking off in an airplane....oh, it has to be even better than that. 

And that too, is one of my desires - to experience the Rapture!    I will be ready...just like Roger....he showed us how quickly it will be. One moment here, next moment in glory!   

Happy Resurrection Day - something to remember and embrace for the next 365 too! 

14

He is not little anymore and he is a constant reminder of how that little cliche "time flies" is so very true.  Children do that. They grow up so fast. They change a little bit every day.   How is it that he can be 14 today?  He is finishing up middle school and ready to head into those very busy, exciting, and fast...high school years.

My little sidekick. Or as Jim calls us, "two peas in a pod."  We like a lot of the same things. Travel. Smithsonian. History. Nonsense little things that no one else seems to care about. DIY. FYI. Smithsonian Channel. History. ......yep, this kiddo is a wealth of knowledge.....and oh, so interesting.

For years, he has been my great little traveling companion. I shall never, ever forget the year I decided that we could save $12 on a flight if we took Delta through Atlanta rather than Southwest, direct to Nashville.  He navigated that Atlanta airport like he lived there. If not for his guidance, and the help of some amazing soldiers, we would have missed our connecting flight.      "Run, Jacob, Run" I told him when the gate was in sight.  "Tell them we are here and your grandmother is running as fast as she can!"  (Ok, it was not shuffling, but it definitely was not running either - but he got the idea!)

Whew....thanks to Jacob, we made the connection, and when I stepped on that airplane, the door closed right behind me. NEVER want to experience that again!   But, it was definitely memorable.

The next year I picked a flight where we would not have long lines in security. Something like a 6 am flight....which meant leaving home closer to 4:30 am.   "JUCI, WHAT were you thinking?!"   he said at the end of it all.    He does like his morning sleep, after all.

Jacob, I can hardly wait to take you to Europe. Such fun we will have!

I love your laugher, I love love love your hugs, and most of all, I love that every time you see me, you do not leave without saying I love you and giving me a great hug.

Even though you are almost as tall as me now...two inches to go....I hope you never forget the things that matter the most.

You love God, you love family, you love all the people you ever meet. You are one of the most polite middle school young men that I have ever met.   (And I remember telling a whole lot of challenging middle school boys that if they will remember to use manners, those times when someone just wants to lock them up til they grow up will just fade away because their manners are so great!)


I do miss those days when you were little and we did projects in the garden a lot. But I love the way to find other projects that involve serving others. I love that as a middle school student, you already have your eye on the future and a career .... and that you are already taking steps to prepare yourself for what you feel like God is leading you to do. He is leading you to serve and I know you will do it.

Roger's Lesson:  Ro-Ro loved you sooooo much, but Jesus loves you so much more. Remember that above all else, and do what HE leads you to do with your life. Listen to family, get good guidance from others, but never forget that Jesus already knows the plans that He has for you.  And life will be ever more exciting if you follow them! 

Yes, Jacob....that is exactly what he would have told you. He would have been so proud of his 14 year old grandson who was one of the joys of his life.  You have that same desire to serve as your dad, and Ro-Ro, yet you are definitely growing to be your own man.

And here is   A great link to the meaning of your name! 
I like the part that says "One Closely Following"     meaning of course that Jacob followed Esau when they were born, and as you know, he was holding onto Esau's heel.  Of course, this also follows the prophecy that says that the elder (Esau) shall serve the younger (Jacob) - and only God knows the reason that it was prophesied this way....but it surely has made for a most interesting story throughout history of the Hebrew people!      So - you keep following closely to the Lord and He will allow your time on earth to be filled with wondrous things!  He knows the end of it all, and the reasons for all the things that we can not even comprehend, and in Him, you can always trust.  
He answers the prayers of those who deeply love and serve Him

And that is exactly what Ro-Ro would have told you!  

Happy 14th birthday, Jacob

I love you so much and I thank God every single day that you are in my life!

In fact......

I love you more than you can ever comprehend!



Juci

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For April, it is still remarkably cool - at least in the early morning.  One thing that I have missed is my mornings in the garden. Therapy.  I just love the quiet and if you are really quiet when moving around, the birds will sing.

This spring I have fewer trees. Those grand old oaks have long since been turned into mulch.  As much as I miss them, I know that age and disease would have landed them on the house.   I enjoy the beautiful Live Oak that Mike planted for us. It will be grand one day too, but not soon enough for me to worry about it landing on the house!

Fewer trees also means fewer squirrels. I can not say that I miss the little rodents though.   I am still on guard though, because I have peaches in the orchard.  OK - on the one peach tree - it is loaded, and the other one has one peach. It is just a baby.

I have enjoyed the bumble bees that have a hive in the top of the lone standing oak.  They got all bothered last year during the 5K, vibrations, I would guess.  Perhaps I can warn them that it is upcoming?

The main thing I have missed this year is the cardinals. Roger and I always enjoyed watching the cardinals and last spring I saw more of them than ever, and all the time.  I called them my little messages from Heaven, that all would be fine and life would continue to be a blessing. And it is.

This year though, I have found myself wondering about those beautiful birds. I just longed to see one.  Not the lovely posts of photos that I enjoy, but a real, live bird. Karin told me that she sees them all the time.  Maybe I need to get out more?

Finally some energy has returned and that word 'fatigue' is something in the back of my mind. Yes, I know it will return with each treatment, but for the moment, I am embracing that lack of fatigue.  I am working hard to 'be good' and avoid things like climbing and bending. So I walk slowly and carefully and sit when I would rather just bend over.

Yesterday I pruned all of the plants in pots. I knew that the raised bed (or pot) idea was brilliant and wish now that I had actually done what I talked about!  Oh, it felt good to have pruners in my hands. It felt better to be outside pruning my flowers with two wonderful young men in the yard who were attacking weeds and leaves for me.  It felt good because if I had gotten into trouble, they were nearby!  And they are precious too!

Today I ventured out to the orchard....which consists of two peach trees, two plums, a citrus and two amazing figs.  I shall fight the squirrels over the fruit, but if the cardinals arrive, they can have all they want!

In the stillness of the morning, I heard it. The song of the cardinal, and there she was, in the plum tree. A sweet little female.  Roger loved the female cardinals. He said that they were protecting their babies.   I loved the bright red ones.

Roger's lesson:  God takes care of even the little birds in the garden and He has, and will take care of you. You don't need the cardinal to remind you of that - you have lived it.  Go about living and take care of your babies. 

That's right.  He did, and He does, and He will continue to do so.  And my babies....oh, they are doing a quite amazing job of taking care of me right now.  It just does not seem that it should be that way, but their daddy would be so proud of them.

Well, he always was and always will be....and one day, he will tell them so!

Tweets.....a message from Heaven.

Roger's Ashes

It was a long time coming, but I finally had to face up to it.

There are things in this life that you come to really love. Those winter nights when it was so cold...like 50....and you just have to have some serious warmth in the house.

The fragrance of smoke, which is unlike any other when it is a fire that you love, and not one that most firefighters have to attack. Even better if you can smell the pine!

The sound of crackling, sometimes from dry wood, sometimes the sizzling of green wood. The whizzy sound that can be heard when a pinecone turns red like a rocket.

The colors of warmth - there is a reason that reds, yellows, oranges are called warm colors on the color wheel - the colors of fire. Fire creates warmth.

The warmth of the bricks and the feeling that creeps across your backs when you sit really close, but not too close, to the flames.

And if you are not really, really careful, the taste of the gritty substance in the air around you.

Yes, that would be ash.

Even that layer of what I called dust, that seemed to settle around me for the last year was not enough to get me to remove the ash. It was layers of ash, actually, which unless stirred up - remained not too heavy.  

Until I stirred it up.   And stirring it up was the most difficult of exercises this year.  I have cleaned out many a fireplace - well, thirty six years of them at this location. Sometimes several times during a season, for a real live fire in a real wood-burning fireplace was one of Roger's great loves.

Is is a firefighter thing?  Roger could build a mean fire, to be sure.  He was never one for chopping that wood into nice tidy logs.  The fact that the woodpile was organized can be credited to....well, not Roger.  He humored me often enough and rotated the pile as I encouraged him along, many a time.   It never did seem to bother him when the fire was roaring and little critters started scurrying toward the cooler temperatures. He would go after them and often set them free. Except the scorpion looking things - he would let them fry. He even had the ability to get a four foot long log into the fireplace. Craziness!

We would often have an absolutely huge (diameter) log in the fireplace and it could burn for an entire day. He would patiently rotate it throughout the day so it would burn evenly - and not fall out of the fireplace! I actually grew to love to watch the embers dying down quietly throughout the night, and I was never particularly afraid of the damage they could do. I had my own personal firefighter in the house.

Kristin loves the great outdoors, camping, fire pits, and all of that rustic kind of stuff. Karin does not like the open flame. Not. At. All.  If I light a candle, she blows it out.   OK, I tend to walk away from it often enough, so I get her point.   I do light it again though. It is the fragrance that goes with the flame that moves me.   I can't figure out how they both get that from Roger. One loves the flame, the other wants it out. He embraced both.

Roger's Lesson:   Fire - it brings warmth and life and growth, but it has to be controlled in order to be useful. Out of control, it brings disaster.    Likewise, the fire - the tough times in life do bring growth, if you allow your Maker to direct the flame. Out of control, doing things your own way - that almost always is the path to disaster.  You better understand the flame. 

February 9th, 2014 was the last time there was a flaming fire in our fireplace. I never could bring myself to have a fire without my firefighter near by.  The ash stayed, but not the flame.  But like all things, there is a time when you have to get a grip on it and put things in their place.   I saved the ash. It will go in my garden where it will help things to grow.  The only new thing is that where he used to tote it out to my garden, this year I will do it by myself.    Roger would have wanted things - and people - to keep on growing.  He would not have wanted to flame to grow cold and growth to wither away.

It is kind of hard looking into that nicely cleaned fireplace. I'll find something creative to put there, but I can't foresee a time when I will build a fire in it again.  I think that is just going to have to be one of those memories that remains in my heart and soul. It is something I am not willing, at least right now, to share with anyone else.  

Winter is gone and spring has arrived. The last chill of the year is behind us and the full moon tells me that it is time to focus on things that are far more important than the fireplace ash. First full moon AFTER the Vernal (Spring) Equinox (day and night = same length) - Easter.   ( April 4 is the first full moon after the equinox on March 20 - Easter is April 5 this year!

We are now in what is known as "Holy Week" where our attention should be on the one who made the most remarkable difference in this place we call earth - our world.  By the end of the week we will be recalling and hopefully focusing on the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ.   We all know the story, but do we think about His walk on this earth? Do we think about what it means to 'walk through the flames of hell?" - Jesus broke that barrier for us.

Can we even imagine what it could be like to be in the midst of the fiery flames - like firefighters were when Florida was on fire - wildfires of 1998 -  Roger was in the midst of that, so in a way, he understood being surrounded by flames where I can not possibly understand.

When we were concerned about his safety, Roger often reminded us that he had the right equipment, the right protection, the understanding of fire -the danger - what feeds it (Heat - Fuel - Oxygen)    And that if you take any one of them away, the fire will go out.     But, the danger is always there and it can consume you.     Three elements to create fire. Three. Trinity. Father - Son - Holy Spirit - to quench it, that fire that can consume your soul.

And in the end, ashes to ashes - dust to dust, what will it be worth?

Well, for us, those ashes are evidence of an earthly body, but the flame can not consume the soul. It is eternal.   Eternal, living in one place or the other. Two choices.  Flames of earth are bad enough as far as I am concerned. I am ever so thankful that Jesus paid the price so that we don't have to endure the flames of hell for eternity.   Of course, free choice plays into that decision as well. It's a gift, but you have to accept it.

Firefighters - a very unique and interesting life - and so connected to eternity!

Roger taught us not to be afraid of the flames, but to respect them, and to know how to quench them.    And he was talking about a whole lot more than the flames that we can see, and hear, and smell, and taste and feel.

Thanks Roger, for the ashes you left behind. I will forever remember the warmth and beauty of those fires you built to keep our home cozy. I will also remember that while those same ashes will feed my garden and create growth - your ash, your life, will remain because your soul can not die. It is secure in Christ.   Roger's ashes - just ash.   Roger's soul - eternal.