Arty Pie

September 6, 2015

"Rest, Mom!"
I guess there is really no rest here on earth, especially when you simply go to the closet for something simple, and you realize that with all of the tossing out, you still have more than will fit.

Well, it fits, but not like in an 'Anthropologie display" kind of way.

Then a sit down is required, with some mental re-organizing. Sometimes I wonder if it is a blessing or a curse.

This morning we went back to Genesis. You know, the start of it all. Yes, when you grow up in church, you pretty well know Genesis, right?

Actually one of the really exciting things about reading God's Word is that it never is really old, and as many times as  you read something, you can always discover something new.

Interestingly, as some struggled with "in what order did God do what and how to I remember it?"....I found that really simple.  Perhaps it is because that is the way I taught landscape painting (among other things)..."Order of Creation" I called it.

New today for me though was actually thinking about the reasoning behind the order and how the happenings of the first three days were necessary for the second three days (of Creation.)

Planning. Ahead.     I would call it.
Strategic. Thinking.   Karin would call it.

Practical, I imagine was God's thinking.

Never one for doing unnecessary work, I like to plan it out in my head and hopefully discover what won't work before I dig in.

So here I am with dishes and baking stuff covering the nicely decorated table that was cleared of a few minutes ago.  At 9 PM.  Eesshh! This is what happens when one is left to their own devices!

It probably happened because I started polishing silver. That little project is ending up an a nice tidy bag with a lovely note to one of my favorite thrifts.....(I have two...New to You (TMA) and Goodwill)     The note says, "Enough with the polishing, already. May God richly bless the person who finishes the job so you can sell it to someone who has no clue what polishing will be needed. Please enjoy it as much as I did when it was nice and shiny!"

And the post about pondering.....well, you can only ponder over just so much silver.

At the moment, the challenge at hand is PIE.

Roger's Lesson:  Now tell me why you have seven pie plates when you do not even like to make pie? When would you really even make seven pies at one time?  And if you had that need, you cold call Mrs. Smith. Hers comes with a plate.  Maybe just keep one. 

True enough.  There must be a reason for all of this. I will call it inheritance.  However....my girls will not inherit these pie plates. They do not bake pies either.

So.....who among my relatively close in distance friends has a need for a number of gently loved glass pie plates?  Speak up quickly, for I will be making a trip to Oviedo on Saturday, pie plates in hand!

*Green Anchor Hocking x 3     ** Corning ware white / cornflower   - I would call it a thin pie!

The two on top in the photo - for mini pies, I think, but for the moment, I am thinking they would make really cute paint palettes !

Two simple clear glass ones.....I'll keep til Christmas. If no pie by then, out they go!

Whew!  Plan is in my head....now to go and act on it and create new space in my pantry!
Loved that Genesis lesson!

Little Birds

September 3, 2015

Look at that, all of August has passed and I did not post at all.  What is going on in my life?  Routine disrupted?  Consistency disregarded?  A little too self absorbed?

Maybe some of it all. August was a month filled with wonderful days spent with my niece, a day trip to the beach to spend time with family, and the regular standing doctors' appointments - mostly tests.

I guess that is enough to disrupt anything 'routine,' but oh, so worth it all!

Through it all though, I've done a lot a whole lot of thinking, contemplating, wondering.....pondering. (Love that word!)

And sitting. I NEVER thought I would be a La-Z-Boy gal, but my chair that does not look like the big puffy piece of furniture that eats up your house, has become a constant companion lately. Power naps, we call them.

My biggest struggle lately is accepting that napping is fine, and healing.  This go-go-go girl just does not want to do it.  God keeps showing me that people can and will heal if they rest and it is allowed.   I think I am doing better....at least better than a month ago, so that is progress.  Also, some good test results rather confirmed that I am heading in the right direction. Of course, I give far more credit to the power of prayer than to rest, but I accept that both are needful.

Then there came that little tug. The little one that often leads to something much larger than you expected to be heading into.  Call it....warm colors. Fall colors.

BER has arrived.  Karin won't allow herself certain indulgences until BER arrives. Such discipline - she must get it from her daddy.  Somehow pumpkin cookies made their way into my cart yesterday. I realized it this morning. Magazines are filled with gold and orange and glorious warm browns, rather than hot pink and lime.

Bam....next thing you know, I am whipping out burlap pumpkins and harvest wall hangings.

It actually started with simply rotating the china, from rosy pink to golds and teals. (MY fall scene leans toward teal and purple, with metallics.)  When I think about it though, in February, I did not expect to see fall, so this is actually pretty magnificent!

I'm not sure how the silver polish arrived on the scene, but the little bird was so dark and tarnished that he just needed a little shine.

And that made me think of Roger (even more than I normally do) - because few people - perhaps only myself.... know that he was the greatest silver polisher around.  Talk about never giving up!

Thinking back, I wonder if it had anything to do with the way he loved to see a shiny and bright fire engine - with not a smudge on it.  Firefighter friends....am I close on this one?  Wadding something is an item he loved.

So, with all the love I could muster, it seemed that I should at least give this love of his a shot.  That lasted about 5 minutes.  Perhaps I could be just as happy with a little black sparrow as with a shiny silver one?

Roger's Lesson:  The black stuff is just tarnish. It comes off with a little paste and elbow grease. And all the time spent? Well, just use it for good. Think about stuff while you are rubbing and buffing. It is the gently, repeating action that you are using that brings out the shine. And don't forget the crevices, use the right tool, be sure it is soft because you can't blast the stuff away or you will ruin what is underneath. And ponder. Just enjoy the time and ponder*. 

*Roger knew I loved that word.

In all the busyness of life, we don't often ponder like we ought, and buffing surely keeps your hands busy in an entirely different way. Off the keyboard, and onto something of unique beauty - if you stick with it long enough to see what is underneath the tarnish.

I guess each of us is like that. All that tarnish on top....everyone has something....everyone has something different....but we all have it.  But when we allow Jesus to gently buff - the beauty of what lies beneath will come out.  For people - souls - that real, true beauty is Christ living within.

I could whip out my trusty can of silver spray paint and fix it up, but that would equal dressing up the outside of me, instead of letting God keep buffing away the tarnish to reveal a unique beauty.

Both take time.
I'm kind of glad that the "new" in decorating is metallics.
I'm going to pull out all of my stored silver and buff away.

And while I'm at it.....I shall ponder.

God still has a lot to teach me and I have so much to absorb!

Day Trips

July 30, 2015

It was another early morning. Blood work - labs. That means that I have to be careful what I eat before I go in, and that I better eat something when I get out - or I will be flat on the floor.

I guess the DD down on Kaley was not all that busy at 4:30 in the morning when Roger stopped in, but it surely was too much for me.

On the drive back home though, I kept thinking about cruellers. French Cruellers. Roger introduced me to them a long time ago. Oh. My. Goodness.

I'm not a particular donut fan, unless you put a French Crueller in front of me.


So....as I drove west on the ole 408, all I could think of was the morning day trips we would take on his days off, and how they always started with a stop at DD - for his coffee and old fashioned donut and my hot tea and French Crueller. Sometimes two.

Sweet memories. I made it in and out of DD without undue stress and for the most absurd moment shortly after, there I was driving along boo-hooing like a baby!  I realized that I had just passed Health Central and noticed the new emergency room they are building.

What makes these things come over you anyway? I pass that hospital all the time now and life goes on, but today, it was just overwhelming - it was like living that day all over again. I don't even know what brought it on, but once again, God brought me through it and I somehow managed to make it to my turns without hitting anything. Tears stinging in the eyes makes driving a bit tough!

Roger's Lesson:  Memories come up and you have to take control. You can let the sad moments pass if you determine to think of something wonderful that God gave you that will fill the void. 

I knew it....I could almost hear him say it. And yes, I did. I thought back of those DD days and those day trips, and how that period of time in our lives was the start of something more wonderful than I ever would have imagined. God's blessings still far exceed the pains.

Maybe, day by day, bit by bit, I am figuring it out.
I do keep trying.

Tending

July 28, 2015

For some reason I awoke with energy this morning. My doctor said that would happen on August 1 or shortly thereafter.  I am going to call this a blessing from God because the energy came a few days early. 

I mean, it HAS to be from God....it was EARLY in the morning!  I was up and moving before good ole Chief even realized it was daylight!

It is not even 10 AM and I feel like I have done about as much as I typically do in the space of a day! WOW!  I like this. And yes, I will power nap. I don't want this feeling to go away!

As I reflect back on the last few hours, stepping from my tidy and dreamy bedroom and passing through the garage to get ready for the good ole Waste-Pro guys........ahh.....bliss changed to UGHHHHHHHH AGHHHHHHHH.....pretty quickly.

How very quickly I had forgotten that garage sale prep was going on in my recently tidied up garage.

But, this too shall pass, and I really would not trade it for the world. You see, one of the joys of living very near your children and grandchildren is that grand ideas can pop up at just about any ole time.

I'm not quite sure how creating a gift wrap center in order to conquer the closet overload actually turned into "let's have a garage sale....look, more stuff!"..... but the kiddos are doing it and my only sacrifice is the garage for a few days.  I love it even better because we have a party to attend at the end, which means......THERE IS AN END!

It is amazing to me how much stuff we accumulate in such a short span of time. Things will be a lot lighter at 315, but there is still so much more - and yet, it is used, and often. Incredible actually.  I will forever stand in amazement of how Roger came into a marriage with precious few items of clothing and not much more stuff than his beloved painting of John Kennedy - then he lived another 42 years, full - rich - blessed - living fully, and exited with not more stuff than he came home with.   Does that mean that for 42 years that he just bought stuff for ME?     (I do not that was the problem. He bought gift cards once they were invented - and vacations)

I also find it remarkable that when I tote stuff off to Goodwill - or call for a pickup from my other fav - TMA's New to You (they pick up) - that within a few hours, I don't even remember what left.  Boy - we need all that stuff, don't we?

The most fun I have had in this past 'organizational blitz' though, is the interaction of my loved ones in the process. The sorting, the purging. Not just Juci pulling it out, organizing it, and putting it back.

I asked Emily what she was going to do about her closet when I was gone. (some how I must have said 'expired' at some point for they recently started using that term too)  She did not want to talk about it, but I said that we always have to be prepared, so she thought and said....."well, I guess I'll have to figure it out, but for now, I like when you do it. Can we play a game?"

Jacob on the other hand, is perfectly fine with Juci coming to college occasionally - or often - to organize him. He told me that it would not embarrass him a bit.

Well - it is nice to be needed!

I was headed in a different direction, I think, because I posted a plant photo. I was thinking about my garden, and listening to Hector on the tractor. Lovely!  I guess that will be for another day.

Roger's Lesson:  You like to tend to things. You always have. Your garden is nice but souls need tending more than plants do.  Collect, if it gives you joy, but purge the excess often. Don't let stuff consume you. Tend to those souls you love first and always. It means so much more. 

Yes. The garden dirt and sweat (liquid fat, a dear student calls it)  have been washed away and the lavender has refreshed and relaxed this now achey body - but I would not trade this feeling.  So often, God speaks most clearly when I am in the garden.

Next up, snack, power nap and then to see what additional blessings God brings my way today. Keep your eyes open....God is here in the most mundane and ordinary things of life.

To Do Lists

July 25, 2015

Is it really possible that it has been six weeks since I have posted? Six weeks with lots of changes, unexpected changes.

Thoughts have been swirling in my head every day. God still impresses me with thoughts pertaining to the most ordinary of things. He shows me how extraordinary the little things in life really are.

Writing? I don't know why I stopped. Somehow I think that I lost myself in the whirlwind of life. Somehow I started thinking that I 'needed to get things finished' - though there was no impending need to do so.
Somehow I just let myself get distracted whenever I sat down.

Tired-ness.  Oh there is a whole new level of tired-ness when they use the word 'fatigue.'

Actually, I thought that one was behind me for a while.

That changed on June 11.  X-Ray results.  Cancer on the vertebrae needed to be addressed. I have such a great Doctor ( Radiation Oncologist) - and he is not only patient, but he explains things so that the simple-minded can even understand. He uses visual imagery when he talks. I can see what he is saying and then I can understand.

Big trip planned to Nashville - so he made the treatments work. Actually, God delivered. There were exactly 15 days between my appointment and my departure flight and when things 'worked out' - I knew immediately that it was nothing but the Hand of God in action.

This round was not quite the breeze that I expected it to be. Fatigue - what a word.  Some days it felt like comatose meant more energy.   Ah, but he told me...'this too will pass.'   And it is.

In those early days, when I spent a bit too much time fretting about the 'new cancer' - God continued to give me times of calm and relaxation. He continually reminded me in the silliest of ways that He had not forgotten me and that He was still quite at work.  As I rested, and waited for my doctor to compare MRI results from both January and June, that peace that passes all understanding began to return.

But, in my head, there I went again - with the lists. Those things I 'needed to complete' before my departure.  Talk about voices in your head. Even when you think that you have this amazing power to overcome it, they still are so strong at times.  Maybe I just have too much of a need for order - and completion.

But the good news is that God once again provided me with good news. The cancer we were attacking in June was not 'new cancer.'  It was on the MRI in January and the radiologist (hospital) who wrote the report was not as thorough in his description as he could have been.

Boy, if ever there is a lesson here, I think it is called 'attention to detail.'  Isn't it amazing what the chain reaction can do when just one person is lax about one moment on their job.  All that stress.

And yet, even with the stress, growth occurs - as well as an ever greater realization that I can't do this alone and I can't even begin to project this path - and the twists and turns that might occur. I can't - but God can. And He was never fretting, never trying to figure it out, never resting on the job.

What a comfort!

So, six weeks later, I am almost out of the 'recovery' period of 'post radiation.'
I have been to Nashville - and back - without undue trauma.
I had a great week with the best young grandson this old gal could ever hope for.
Though I feel like the fluids are increasing, I am really working hard not to fret, for God is not surprised and He will just handle it - and prepare me as well, for what comes next.

In many little ways, He has shown me that I need to keep writing. I still don't know why. I feel much more comfortable with a paintbrush in my hand.

Roger's Lesson:  Sometimes God just gets you out of your comfort zone. Go with it. It might take you somewhere that you never expected. 

Yes - Six more weeks without Roger here with me. I don't think I will ever get used to it.

I'm thankful though that six months out, I am still fighting - but not because I can do it on my own, oh no - not at all! In January, we didn't have much idea that I would see summer. The heat is tough, but I am actually embracing summer.  I'm also pushing to enjoy fall - and winter - and then some more.

I have family and friends who don't let me give up - but they do remind me all the time to rest. Rest this old body - let it heal.  Always my challenge, I know.

When you are a do-et, resting seems such the impossible task.

And yet - with God, nothing is impossible.  Not even writing, even when you have no idea why you are doing it or why anyone would want to read it.

God is just remarkable like that. You never know what is coming next.
Now - rest, for Sunday is coming and there will be another great message from our Pastor - and more exciting than that....we are studying Revelation in Life Groups.    Hard to understand, to be sure, but I LOVE the end of the book.
It is what makes the challenges so worth the fight!

Something New?

June 8, 2015

Sometimes it is best to just NOT go surfing around the internet to try to figure out what all of the medical terms mean. Sometimes - most times - it is better to just pray and then trust.

My outlook is pretty positive. Our days are numbered - for all of us - the interesting part is the journey and the decisions we make until that final day.

God has blessed and placed me with such amazing doctors. I feel confident in their decisions. They do not feel threatened if I suggest another opinion, nor if I ask way too many questions.

When preparing for, and being very still during the latest MRI, I asked God to let them see everything that they needed to see - and more than that, to reveal clearly anything that needed to be revealed, whether it was something they previously missed, or if it was something new.

Generalized prayer requests don't work for me. I guess I talk too much. But - God answered, just like He always does.

Sometimes the answer is not what we really want to hear, but it is the answer we need to hear.

The result was a spot on my spine that really needed attention. I could 'wait and see' or I could deal with it. Failing to deal with it might mean that the vertebrae could compress. I know lots of people with those herniated discs and they do not like them. I would rather not go there, so I am thankful that God revealed something that could be dealt with before something worse happened.

Was this here before? I don't know. Is it a new growth? I don't know that either. I guess it does not really matter at the moment. First up - set up more radiation. Get that joker!

So, here I sit, eagerly planning a little trip out of town and now this.
Yes....this is more important. But - the neat thing is that God must see both as important because BELIEVE IT OR NOT - there are just enough days between now and my flight to get the job done!
And I mean ....EXACTLY...the right amount of days!    Only God can arrange this kind of stuff.

And the internet searches? Oh my, they are mostly discouraging - these forums I believe they are called. Once in a while you run across one person that is super encouraging and says things like ---
* PLEASE do not read statistics - you are not a statistic
* PLEASE pay attention to what you put in your body - help it out - give it good stuff
* PLEASE keep the faith for it is the only thing that makes the journey worth the fight.

Roger's Lesson:  Yes, the last one is what he would have said every day - Keep the faith, keep fighting, keep believing that God has more living for you to do, but pay attention to what you focus on.

I know that Roger would have been my biggest cheerleader. I am equally confident that he would not have been shoving green liquids at me though. He would suggest steak every night! Good protein, sweetie!  

But, I like to chew my greens and I do eat mostly healthy  - though like anything I have my weak moments too. One thing God has richly blessed me with is many many cheerleaders who inspire me, encourage me, and have the most positive outlooks - and they pray specifically for my needs. And that is just the most incredible thing.

Today I scanned those statistics and said - eh. God's got this.
For the long or the short of it - God's got this figured out already so my energies can be used elsewhere.

My purpose that I want to see fulfilled?
Most days I question that too.  I hope it has something to do with encouraging others in the faith.

If I live with this stuff every day for the rest of my life, that's ok - as long as I don't give up the faith that is so precious to me. We all live with something - and most of the junk we live with, we do to ourselves in one way or another, I suppose.

And God's statistics are the only ones I really care about, though I do hope He has numbered quite a few more days on my life calendar!

I can't seem to choke down the green liquids, but I will go eat some fresh berries.
I'll look at the whipped cream can, but skip it this time.

Just Marvin

June 3, 2015

It was hard on my back, but I got to do something that I don't get to do so often lately. I baked some cupcakes and decorated them for a very special man.

Of course, he won't see them, nor taste them.  He is seeing Jesus and tasting glory. He lived a really great and interesting life. He was one of my WWII heroes.   Everyone I ever meet who fought in WWII is my hero in some way.

These veterans fought hard for freedom and many have lived long, but they are passing too quickly.  They become those WWII statistics. Daddy was one. Papa was one. Marvin is one.

But they are far more than statistics to those who knew them.
Unique among these vets is that they went out and did a job, rather quickly too, as wars go in contemporary history.  They had a mission and it had to do with eliminating evil - and quickly.  They stayed focused. They got the job done so they could go home to their families. They kept the evil 'on the other side of the pond.'

And we should all be grateful.

They did not have to deal with social media, or too many non-military elected officials trying to call the shots. Lucky them.  It is much harder for our guys and gals on the front lines today.

But they also did not call themselves heroes and actually denied it if someone else called them a hero.
That is a true hero. Someone who just does what needs to be done for the good of mankind.

During Marvin's Celebration of Life service, I learned a lot about him that I never knew. Isn't it interesting the way we never really know anything close to the 'whole picture' of a person's life until we attend their funeral. I guess that is normal, because we all cross paths in different ways and for different reasons.

I learned that while Marvin had a lot of interaction with the US Military during his career, he really only served in uniform for a short period of that long career. Yet, that is where we connected most. I guess that is because I have a special place in my heart for WWII Vets.  I am thankful for that connection.

Nurnberg is where/how we connected. I took a group of students to Germany a few years ago and he was always interested in those travels. He traveled all over the world during his career. He was one of Roger's 'watchers.'  Roger kept an eye on him every Sunday during church services, just in case he fell ill, or needed something.  Roger had his 'precious saints' that he checked on all the time.  He was always on the lookout for someone who might have a need. (Me? Pretty much oblivious....I know, sad to say - however it was really safer for those saints to not have me on-call.)

Nürnberg was a surprise stop during our trip so I did not get to 'study up' before departure, but I surely enjoyed taking it all in and chatting with Marvin when I got home.  He was stationed there.
My tour director grew up there when the American soldiers were still on peace-keeping patrol.
I think it is so fascinating that they likely were there at the same time!

You never know why someone crosses your path, but God does. You never know why you will have some random connection with someone, which draws them into your life - generally so you can learn something from them. And for me, I continued to learn, after he stepped into eternity.

Roger's Lesson:  Don't try to learn everything new for yourself. Learn from those who walked before you. God let you cross paths for a reason. And crossing paths - remember that when you were in 3rd grade and I was a firefighter with a friend down the street from your house - we probably crossed paths too - and didn't even know it. But God did. 

Yes, and that other saint - Marvin's sweet wife.  Without Roger watching over his aging saints - I would never have met her either. No one is going to replace Marvin, but then, no one really replaces anyone, for God made us each unique.  And those who walk through this life with that precious sweet spirit and confidence in their eternal destiny...... well, I will always think that they are the most irreplaceable of them all.

And I am so glad when I get the opportunity to learn from them.  The greatest thing Marvin taught all who knew him though - was not about the military at all. It was not about what you do or where you go or who you know on this earthly walk of ours.  It is about one relationship. One relationship this is more important than all others - and if you get that one right, it will be reflected in all the other things you do.

Yes, it is no wonder that Roger was so fond of Marvin. Common missions, common destinies!

And for Margaret - 72 years together, and now without Marvin. That will be hard to adapt to, but knowing He is well and whole and with Jesus will make it easier.

And I really liked the comment about God making him wait because He really did not need a remote controlled pearly gate.  Yes, I love that while we may not know everything about what Heaven will be like, it is just fine if we imagine it to be like the best of what we know on earth - and then a bazillion times better!

Eternal destiny - most important decision of your lifetime!

H2 View

June 2, 2015

It was one of those paperwork days, first of the month. And silence can often be deafening - and make you fall asleep.

So there is this wonder of all wonders called, TV. Digital input. There are just too many channels. Somehow I need to learn the Fine Art of 'favorites' so I can get it down to about 12 channels. That is more than enough.  I can't figure out the difference between HD and not HD anyway.

Guide. I know how to use that. All I wanted was something for background, not something I would tune into so deeply that I would be doing paperwork again tomorrow. H2.   I guess that means history.

Fascinating.  I can't find it now, but I think I stopped surfing on something called "Proving Jesus."  These shows are risky because the world view is not necessarily mine and a lot of it sounds like a lot of hooey anyway.  But, I gave it a shot. I could listen as 'background auditory" after all.

Roger had this show that he loved - I never can find it. It was called "Naked Archaelologist" and we watched it together all the time. It was a Jewish fella who would take one little thing and set out to prove it wrong - always something about the Bible. He would come up with all the ways to prove things wrong, then come out with never being able to prove it wrong.  It was quite interesting.

I did not listen to the shows today closely enough to know all of the background, but they appeared to do a similar thing - scientists trying to disprove things, yet not quite being able to disprove, even if they did not say that they could prove something.  Wide variety of topics too.

And this has carried on into the night. I am captivated.

One of the shows took passages from the Bible and explored how they would have been explained during the times in which they were being written. Often quite different from the way we interpret things today.  Very good food for thought.

I did come away being glad that I am not driven to be a scientist. Nor am I drawn to having to have everything 'proven.'  I am glad that some people are, for it made for much more interesting programming than what the networks run.

I also enjoyed a lot of what they talked about from the Middle Ages - Dark Ages - Renaissance, periods which I find fascinating anyway.

I also thought about what Roger would be saying had we been watching together.

Roger's Lesson:  All of this information is fascinating. You should want to know everything you can about Jesus and His life and His teachings. BUT don't stop at knowing about Him. You'll miss it all that way. Be sure you know HIM.  It's not the knowledge, or the religious beliefs that are the most important. It is the relationship.   Without that, you've really got nothing. 

And I totally agree. I love the learning, but I love the knowing so much more.  And as much as I know that I have to tend to the paperwork (which I did not finish,) I know that He has so much more to teach me than a pile of papers ever will.

And as much as I resist the resting, I know that is where I find Him - every single time.

When you need to heal, embrace the rest periods. And don't waste that opportunity to know more about, and to Know, Christ.  Best blessing ever!

Results

June 1, 2015

You place it on the calendar, and you wait. Sometimes the waiting seems like an eternity. This time, I decided to just let it be a date on the calendar, yet another in the long line of doctor's appointments.

It was over a week between the test and the results.  Remarkably, I did not stress this time. I did not spend time wondering, or fretting. I just trusted.
We - so many family and friends, and many whom I do not even know - have asked God's favor regarding my health. We have prayed specifically for Him to place a hedge of protection around organs, brain, marrow, spinal cord. We have prayed that He will show Himself more powerful than this thing called "cancer."  Indeed, we have not allowed it to be called 'the big c" for we know that if anything - anyone is BIG, it is God and that the BIG C,  is Christ.

It has been a remarkable journey. Today - the results.  Today, I felt pretty great walking into that office, very little pain and very isolated at that.  My doctor is just wonderful, he has this OCD level that I just LOVE! Attention to detail - and he explains things in normal person language. God blessed us with him. A perfect match with my Oncologist!

So - what did the tests say? He said the X-rays looked good. (I thought so too, but I had no clue what I should be looking for!)  Of course my bones still need attention - basically my walking stick will be my friend for a couple of more years. It is that balance thing. Watching out for weight bearing, not pushing things when I feel tired or too achey, paying attention to walking surfaces. Yes - paying attention. He said that it is the little things, the normal things in life that will take you down and delay the healing, so pay attention where you step.  (use those handicap curb-less crossings, stay off the stairs, don't ride bikes)  

The cancer - he smiled. He indicated that 'he got it' - which I am sure makes him feel like it was a great day to come to work.

Does that mean that every cell is gone? Not likely. I have already been told that this is a game, including a mind game, and that cancer cells are smart and you have to stay ahead of them. Not curable, but manageable, they call it.

That is ok. He said 'walking stick for two years' - back in January, we were thinking this journey would be only months.  I'll take two years!

Roger's Lesson:  Go ahead and take those two years and use them well, but also believe for more. Believe you'll be here, with or without that walking stick, at 90.  God numbers your days, so live each one, one at a time, each one for Him - and it won't matter if it is 9 days or 90 years.

And that is what I have determined to do.  Of course, I still don't love the days when I seem to crash and do nothing much but rest for the day, yet, those days seem to come after I have had a very full day.  I don't let that bother me as much these days.

I've also stopped fretting or even having too much of an opinion on the way the world - mankind- is making such a mess of what God created.  Some days it seems like those wonderful trumpets and the exciting happenings in the Eastern Skies will take place momentarily - and then other days, it seems like just another ordinary day.

But our days are not meant to be ordinary. If we can't be out there on the front lines of what ever we feel like we are supposed to be doing, I have found that it is very very effective - and likely, most effective - to use that quiet and restful time God has offered, to just pray for others and their needs.  Needs are all around - people we know, and people we do not know. Here, and around the world.

And no matter where you find yourself - there is always someone in a far worse predicament.
So - I thank all of those who have been praying with me - for this is not something you fight alone.

I have also found that I hope the journey will be a long one, for that means that cancer will not have won, even if it is only managed but not cured.

But honestly - I still keep hoping that I will get to hear that trumpet sound  - and if it is only days or weeks or months away - that is fine by me too!

Yet,  I don't want to find myself just sitting around and waiting - I still want to be out there doing what God has left for me - fulfilling the purpose that only He determines - and the only one that really counts.

And today, I feel like God showed me that there still is so much more.  So many more days to know Him more, before I meet Him face to face.

It's been a really good day!

Memorials

May 25, 2015

It is Memorial Day.  I did something today that I have not done in a while.

I turned on the History Channel and tuned into the War with Germany .... better known as WWII.

It took the better part of the day, but I hung in there for most of the battles, and especially the end.

Roger would have been tuned in - not like he did not have that war memorized beginning to end.
It brought such a range of emotions. Thankfulness for those men, mostly really young men,  who left homes, farms, cities, from across the nation to answer the call to serve.  The enemy was really big.

Roger's dad fought in  Europe.  My dad fought in the Pacific. We both have many relatives who did the same.  His Aunt was a nurse and had her ship blown out from under her. I watched the U-boats and wolf-packs this afternoon.  There is no way we can come close to imagining life as it was in that time period.    Daddy would say that he went because it was important to keep evil 'on the other side of the pond' - meaning that he did not want to see it in his homeland, so he would go and fight over there.

Roger's fascination with that war stemmed from the people who he cared about who were in it. While scanning things this week, I found a letter his dad sent to his mother from Germany. And the telegram that said simply "civilian again, meet me at......terminal"  

Treasures.   Yet neither of our fathers talked enough about that war that we have any real idea of where they were or what they were doing much less what they were feeling or the horror they saw.  They would say that it was too much to talk about.  (From the images on tv today, I would have to agree - they interviewed some Vets - wow - there are few left from WWII)

Roger also saw the bigger picture. He saw the immense evil - flesh and blood, yes, but lead by the powers of darkness in this world.   All wars - all criminal activity is that, after all. Roger could point to the spiritual darkness in high places throughout history, and even in the history we are living. He was pretty insightful.

Another interesting point I discerned today was creativity. Need drove men to be creative and inventive and to come up with new ideas in order to have the equipment needed to get the job done. In and out. It did not even take a decade.

Wow, life is so fast paced today, yet so much is so slow - so much red tape - war / conflicts take so long.   And young men, and women, still serve, because they feel that call to keep us free.  There is no draft these days, so I think that those who choose to serve have much bigger hearts than at any time in history. Because they don't HAVE to do it.

I also spent time today thinking about lives lost. I re-lived D-Day (on TV) - and the open targets.  Having walked those beach-heads gave me a new appreciation for what I was watching today.  Learning more about the plan as an adult, gave me more insight and appreciation that when I was studying it for a grade.  Good reason to travel to places that mean something to you!

I always wanted to do that tour with Roger. It is one thing I wish I had pushed for instead of agreeing to wait until he retired.

It's been well over a year, and there are still things that I have not packed away. I've been working on that this week. I've had this weird need to scan practically everything he ever touched and everything that was written to us about him.  I have a new appreciation for cards.  In Feb 2104 when the cards started rolling in, I read each one, cried often, laughed, thanked God for each person in his life. And I put them in a basket. I've seen that basket of cards almost every day for over a year.

Today I read each one again as I scanned the messages. They made me thankful. They made me think of each writer and Roger's connection with them. It also made me think that those same cards could have been written only yesterday, and might have said the exact same thing. Because lives intertwined in some unusual, sometimes miraculous, way.

Roger did not live a long life by today's standards. 85-90 is not all that unusual today. I read of someone celebrating 116 this past week.Yikes!  No, 71 was still way too young in our minds. It makes no difference that his dad was 70 and his mother was 90. Roger never seemed more than 60!   (Young wife, he always claimed!)

But he did live a full life and an happy and eventful life.  And those messages reflected that over and over - and it made me very, very thankful to read them.

I'm not the world's greatest at getting cards out in a timely manner, but I do know this....telling a story about how you interacted with the person who recently passed, is a most remarkable gift to leave for the family.  Those stories never get old. Those cards stay around, or get scanned, and in my case, I am hoping they make it into a photo book of Roger's remarkable life.

Roger's Lesson:  It is not the things you do, it is the people you meet. Meet as many as you can, be sure that they know that Heaven is a option for their eternal home, and you'll have a great time for eternity for there will be a whole lot of people up there that you know! 

Not a bad plan at all, Roger!

And I am pretty sure he will meet a lot of Civil War and WWII folks up there that he has read a lot about - for he found them to be the most interesting conflicts of earthly history for his personal life story.

For all who served, lived, and died for the freedoms we still enjoy today, I am thankful.
And it is something we must never take for granted.

I also hung a new flag today. I removed the one that I hung for Roger a year ago. It has weathered the storms of life and I will not have a tattered flag flying. It will be properly retired. The new one would make Roger proud. It is for Matthew.  He does not HAVE to serve. But he is.  And I pray for him and his safety every single day. I pray that God places a hedge of protection around him and he stands in the gap for us. All of us. Even the ones who don't care about what it takes to be free.

Memorial Day. Memories of those who died for our freedoms.
Memorial Day. Prayers for those who serve and who need God's strength and strong faith in order to do it.

Dry Bones - and Fluid ?

May 24, 2015

You would definitely have to know what you are looking at to know what this image is. Hint. A bone. I got that much from anatomy class - or maybe from drawing skeletons for art classes.

Beyond that, it is going to have to take a pretty well trained eye to see where the fracture is and if it is healed.  Grey, white, black ....I know they all mean something on these many x-ray films in my packet, but I don't know what!

And spots...they should be looking for spots, or hopefully, healed over spots that they called lesions in Janary.  The bone cancer.

Oh how I appreciate the prayers that have gone into this healing. Prayers not only for the treatments to be effective in healing these cancerous lesions on my bones but also for me to re-focus on the things that are really important in life.

I always think I have a grip on that, but oh how easily I slip back into that world of organizing and projects and picking up and going and doing....instead of being still and listening....hearing.

The other battle is the fluid. That is the scary one for me for the most ridiculous of reasons. I have actually been able to feel the drying effect as my body has begun restoring my lymphatic system to its normal, not quite normal state. The overload of fluid that my body was producing (toxins, dead cells being cast off, etc) seems to have been normalized enough to not be pushing it into the pleural cavity.

Imagine - prior to January, I'm not sure I even knew what a pleural cavity was! I knew pleurisy from reading it in a novel once upon a time, but that was my limit!  Now my little catheter tubes have almost become a part of me.

One thing these little tubes have done is make me go back and remember those days when I had little fingers and toes growing inside of me - and at times prying my ribs apart. Moms know the feeling, right? You could eventually move those little digits around, but not these tubes!  So, breathing deeply hurts, but there are worse hurts in the world.

For some reason I have been so very apprehensive about this upcoming surgery, even though it is outpatient. I have not turned on the news or had any celebrity disasters entering my airwaves, but still...I know it is a control thing. I just know it. I do not like and never have liked the idea of being 'put under' and trusting my life to someone I don't even know.

I know that in the morning I will quiz everyone I meet about their OCD levels. I will hopefully encourage and inspire them and thank them for coming to work prepared and alert. I will have my girls at my side for as long as I am allowed. But then...they will wheel me away.

I am praying that my body has not created an abundance of scar tissue during these months, and that the surgeon will be super gentle while pulling those things out of this aging body. I am praying for a wee tiny hole on each side, near my lungs, but not touching them.  

I am also praying that as they do tests, that if anything new has arisen, even though we are praying against it, that it will be revealed in an early stage.

And I am praying that I will be calm and peaceful, which I really try to be, because ultimately, my life is in God's hands, and the surgeon's should be also.....so I am definitely praying for that! (And the anesthesiologist!)

So why so antsy still? I don't know! The girls told me tonight that I was not like this in January. Reflecting back, with double malignancies on my record, I suppose I had gathered that it was only a matter of time til I departed, so now was as good and later. (January)
Today, I feel a lot better and really do desire to hang in here until the Rapture, so maybe that is my hangup.  Oh. My. Goodness.   Crazy Lady!

And it is always that control thing.  Focus! God numbers your days. Man might be involved at times, but ultimately, God's got the plan!

Roger's Lesson:  These people who are taking care of you are as passionate about what they do as you ever were about teaching art or creating stage sets or travel. Ask God to lead them and then leave them alone. 
I know what he would be telling me! - "So let them do what they know to do and you just use your energies resting in the Lord.  Sleep lightly and wake up quickly, unlike your typical style of sleep."

As I am proofing and finishing up this entry, I find myself laughing at how ridiculous it is that I have let myself get rather distressed about this whole thing.  I  know without a doubt that God allowed me these three extra weeks for side #2 to dry up so that I could get good and ready to have these tubes OUT.

All the while, I am really thankful for the wisdom of my kiddos, who suggested that I might not want to get one tube out and then go back for a second surgery only two to three weeks later.   They might have been saving themselves the stress - but I know they saved it for me. Wise decision to wait.

Now, I must let my mind rest so I am ready for a great big, beautiful tomorrow!  God has something wonderful for us each and every day - so Tuesday Morning - I'll be waiting for you at 6:30 .....

Let's do this!
And 7 am - 9 am on Tuesday, May 26....I'm still happy to accept all prayers being offered for the old gal - for clean and precise removal and a quick wake up - with no drama.

God's got a lot going on this side of Heaven, and I really would like to be in on it!

Blessings!

Report Time

May 17, 2015

If you are from my generation and lived in Orlando, you probably have seen these!  In my quest to win over the paper war, I have been scanning stuff. All kinds of stuff.

Nani (Roger's mom) saved a lot of paper. I just filed it when it came my way. He would have tossed it.  Ha! It makes me pretty happy today that Roger had me. I discovered some mighty interesting things about my man when reading through these things.

I discovered that as a child in school, he was not a lot unlike me. Or, since he was so much older, I was not a lot unlike him! Different ways, but oh so similar.

"Roger needs to stay focused on his work and stop visiting"  (Mine said things like - "Judy needs to stop daydreaming and do her work")

Yet, his 2nd grade teacher called him a lonely child. And several commented that he needed to do better in math and practice his handwriting.  (I am all with them on the handwriting part - he always printed, never did conquer cursive!)

What struck me though, was that here - decades later, still on the paper in proper cursive with fountain pen ink - are words that could have set the destiny for a young child. Some of the comments were pretty harsh - I might have stated them in a personal conference, but not in writing.

Somewhere along the line, I read my grade school comments and determined that as a teacher I would do my best to only put positive things in writing - and that if something hard to hear had to be said, it would be prefaced with something positive.

It also struck me that Roger did not give into what might have been written about him - and quite possibly his mother never showed it to him, but quite possibly both parents told him to grow into the man he was meant to be come. They believed in him. They only had one child, so they had the energy for him, for sure.

As our girls were growing up, I would stress more over 'wasted time' and lower grades than Roger ever did. We had polar opposites. Social butterfly. Studious one. Both perfect, of course, in our eyes!   Roger would just laugh and say it would all work out and they would become who God intended for them to be, that other things were more important measures of a child than just grades.  He was right.

I wonder though, how many people take a course in life that was determined by something that was said or written about their abilities. It breaks my heart to watch kids, after they graduate, go into this struggle to find themselves, because they never seemed to gain confidence in something while in high school. Sometimes the struggle takes years. Sometimes, they give it up and just settle.

Above most other things I ever did, I hope that I encouraged.

Roger's Lesson:  The only written word you ought to take to heart is what is written in the Bible. It is the best life manual you could ever have, and leads you to the right answers. Don't settle for what man tells you - not bad, and not good either.  Don't base your whole life on accolades from a long time ago. Do what you do for a higher purpose and you will always be happy. It is just one of those decisions you need to make in life. 

Clearly Roger did not settle for what was written on his report cards. He was one of the most intelligent and interesting people I have ever met in my life. He knew more about history and politics than any professor I ever had. He knew the Space Center inside and out, or so we have been told. He studied things like building plans in case there was ever a need to know - which there was, and he knew.  He was an amazing leader and mentor to many (we were told that as well) - yet to us, he was dad, and good ole Rog.  He laughed a lot and enjoyed life to the fullest and always believed that happiness was a personal decision and not based on what was going on around you. And he believed in others and what they had the ability to achieve.


And as for me and  "Judy needs to stop daydreaming...."  That comment used to annoy me.
Until Friday.  TMA folks know what I mean.
Dreaming and having a vision for something wonderful turned into a surprise that never was on my radar. And the really neat thing is that the vision was for people I possibly would never even know.
And that is how you know God put those dreams in your heart and mind - because it isn't for you.

Dream, people...ask God to give you a vision....become more than what a report says that you are. Keep growing, keep believing, and when you write about someone, look for the positive.
But always remember that God is bigger than any report. Any report, negative or positive!
Every day is a new one, so do something important with it!

Caught Speechless

May 15, 2015

It started out like an ordinary day. It was "the day after."  After Zometa.  That typically meant a fair amount of pain and the desire, if not need, to stay curled up on the couch all day.

I did rest yesterday, but it did not help as much as I had hoped.  I got up today, but went back to bed.  The alarm reminded me that I had an appointment. A lunch meeting. I had agreed a week ago, because it fit Mitch's schedule - super busy that he is these days. It was important. About travel.

But this morning, travel did not seem all that important to me. Thank goodness Karin suggested a little trip to the Farmer's Market. I got up for her - so she could get coffee.  But seriously - I could have easily remained in bed.

Roger's Lesson:  Get upright. Most of the time if you just get up and moving, you will feel better than you did when you thought that rest was what you needed. Wrong. It is what you desired.  Get around people and you will feel better - and surprising things will happen during  your day. 

Yes, I did sort of hear his voice in my ear this morning. Thankfully, I listened. And acted.

Market. Check √.  Shower and dress. Check √.  In the car and moving forward. Check √
oh...meds taken - and vitamins - Check √.  TMA / Lunch. Check √

Lunch was nice. Travel plans resolved. We dodged the rain and I was asked to wait while he parked the car. Sure, I can always find someone to chat with - even though I really wanted to find a couch.  
"Come - I want to show you something in the gym" - ok, I strolled over, thinking that since I was halfway there I could go visit Rachel. I missed her on the last trip to TMA.

New stuff in the gym - nice -  the TMA gym always looks grand. One of the best gyms in town, if not the best, in my personal opinion.  I love the way God provided the money for that gym. Best part of the gym story!

"Here - sit here for a minute" -- all of a sudden something seemed odd. I was planning to go home after lunch and Mitch was trying to get me to stay.  Odd. Indeed.  Different people stopped by to chat, so I did not think about it too much at the moment - but now, I can see that 'plan.'  

It is so interesting the way you can see things in hind-sight even when they were right in front of your face in the moment. I have been absorbed lately in really appreciating that I have been able to see God's hand in things sort of 'in the moment' as some big decisions were being made. I had forgotten about hind-sight. I surely missed the 'in the moment' part today!

And I was not very focused, when perhaps I should have been.

Oh no - awards ceremony was about to begin. How was I going to get out and not be distracting. This is the kids day -  well, I have known some of the kids since they were little bitty, so it would be fine to stay - except that I was getting very tired.

And then it began....I heard the welcome and then words like "founder' and "25 years" and then art teacher. What?
I actually enjoy listening to Dr. Harris tell Fine Arts stories. He makes them sound so funny.  Things that I thought were so serious at the time....he makes me laugh about them. Laughter is good.
Interesting start to a high school awards event....perhaps he is going to mention the new building and tell when the groundbreaking will be.

Yea! I can't wait for that day. I heard about it when I was just out of the hospital and I have to admit that the idea of seeing dirt turned over for a Fine Art building had me so excited that I just knew it would be one of those things that would keep me pushing so I would live to see it.   And hopefully experience it. I even asked if I could please be invited on that day! (That is a whole other story called 'death of a dream'....and for another day. )

But no....he was not talking about dirt.
It is not often that I am totally clueless about things that are happening either - but boy, I missed a lot this time!
It is not often that I am left speechless, but Dr. Harris got me today.

This is the most amazing thing and nothing I would have ever considered happening.  This never crossed my radar, for sure!

This new building - this is about the kids  - and the many parents and friends who support those kids in their efforts to develop the talents God placed within them.

The seniors will graduate and those who follow will get to enjoy this new building. Those who went before - dreamed, and graduated, and many who even have children at TMA today - those are the ones who created the need for a building.

And the teachers who train up these young talents - art, music, drama - have huge jobs, but huge rewards, for they will get to see the young talent bloom and grow.

For the evening, I got to enjoy the TMA production of "Cinderella" - the original version.  It is so sweet to enjoy those shows with my family, children and grandchildren. Live anything always beats video! I am thankful they enjoy live theatre as much as I do.

Another blessing was getting to enjoy dinner and the show with 'other family' - TMA family. When you work together and grow together - you get to say family.  And a blessing for another reason...when you get to help discover talent...and then get to watch that talent grow....well, that is a pretty big blessing.  And it was special, Tiffany, to see you coming full circle -TMA grad, Rollins grad, and back to TMA to assist the next generation.  True generosity!

I still have not absorbed the happenings of this day.  I feel so humbled and it feels totally weird to have my name on anything, much less a theatre. But I also feel so blessed. I feel so blessed by the many lives - kids and adults - that I have met through this place where God chose to plant me.  I am so thankful that it was the right place for educating our own children, for I would not have been there otherwise - for their needs came first.  I am thankful for the many friends they made there and the way they grew.  I am thankful that Roger was supportive and involved for so many years, because he believed in this crazy idea of starting a school.  I am thankful for a man (Pat) who took a chance with a crazy teacher and just said - "go do it' "Make it happen" - without hovering!  Talk about trust.

TMA has grown in almost 30 years, much like the students have. God has blessed and I have no doubt that as long as He remains most important in a student's education, that TMA will continue to be blessed. My prayer for the teachers, students and leadership is that they always strive to prepare the whole student, and to do it with God's leading. Always.  God has plenty of blessings to go around.

And I guess that  my message in all of this is to have a vision.  Try to see something that others do not see. Push kids to go beyond what they think is possible. Teach them to work like a professional even though they have not achieved that status yet. Invest in people who have a passion and are willing to let God lead.

And most of all - trust God.  He may not do things in our timing, but He does things when HIS timing is perfect.

And as soon as all of the red tape is resolved....TMA is going to have a groundbreaking.
And I hope they tell me in plenty of time, because there are a whole lot of TMA fine arts alumni out there who need to be there!

And I hope they have a whole lot of shovels.

And as much as I am so humbled about the Theater - I am ever more excited for the students and families who will enjoy this great new adventure at TMA!

(Check out the building plans at www.MastersAcademy.org)

You never know what God is going to bring your way in the course of a day.

Even a very tired day!

The Big Z

May 14, 2015

It is the fourth time around. Maybe I will weather the storm a little better this time. It is that flu like pain - good pain, they call it. Does anyone like 'flu-like' pain?  I think not.

But this time I have a different perspective. Kristin has been fighting off "the bug." At least I am not fighting bugs. At least this passes in a day or two. The hack -cough that she has just lingers until it feels like moving on.  She does not act like it, nor slow down, but she has to be exhausted.

So why should I complain?   I'm not, this time.  This is a mind game, so they say.  Mind over matter. Mind over Zometa.

Let Aleve be your friend.

I commented to Karin that the bag of clear stuff that looks like water is so interesting. I mean, what is it exactly that allows something that looks as innocent as water to make your bones grow.   It seems like it should be a color or something.

I don't know how it works, but I know that I am very thankful for those people who have scientific minds and just have to try to figure things out. I am thankful that they figured out a way to take the same stuff that makes a kid's bones grow strong and put it in a bag to help an old lady like me.

No more aquifer bones for me....well, soon, I hope.  I'm not even halfway there, yet I have made it much farther along than I expected in January.  Thank you.....Lord....and prayer warriors.

Typically I would go home and curl up on the couch, and wait out the next 48 hours, pain and all.

This time. I'm taking a different route. There is living to do. I will rest also, but not all the time. There are more important things happening, so I can't bear to shut the world out.

Roger's Lesson:  Balance. Be sure to rest and let the meds work, but keep on living. For as long as your feet are on this earth, there are people to see and living to do.

So, I rest up after the drip, then have a quiet evening, for I have a very busy Friday. The calendar just fell that way, and with all that is within me, I am going to try to participate in the things I love, with people I love.

Ah, Zometa. I love you too! I love what you do to strengthen me. I love that my body has so far rejected many of your side effects. I even love that you keep bringing me fatigue to help me remember that balance is a good thing and rest is needful at times.

Zometa. Is that yet another way of saying Great Physician?
One of the many ways He works in my life.
Ever present.

Anniversary

May 12, 2015

My alarm just woke me to say that it is 10 minutes until May 12.  For some reason, I spent Monday sorting through things that I had pulled out a month ago and never put away again.

The things Roger put on his uniform every day, badges, pins, ID, Accountability Card.  His comb. His little tiny glasses.

And the Fire Dept tie (clip on, of course) that he never ever wore.

I scanned some more papers. International Drivers' License. Ten of them. Ten trips to support shuttle missions overseas - ten, at least.  A lot of passports. All his. He used them up and had to renew them.

I ran across more photos. I love this one because Roger RARELY wore a coat - but we picked this one out together and when he wore one, this was it most of the time....for 40 years or so. He said that he did better than the Israelites wandering around the desert.  Of course, I cropped Newt G and his wife out of the photo.

Ah....And then came the newspaper clippings-obituary-  and the pencil rubbing from the last Firefighter Memorial. The notes from the grandchildren. Valentine cards to each other.

It seems so surreal. Still.
Life. All in a box.

My phone dinged at 5:30 tonight. Roger. Eternity.  It does that every Monday.  I can't make myself change it. Maybe I just don't want to forget. And also, maybe it is a really good reminder of how very near eternity really is.

I'll go back to sleep in a bit, but I'll be thinking of Roger throughout this new day. I'll think about how I met him 'in the Sears Catalog" and how when a co-worker told me that I should go out with him, that I said he was SO OLD!  Ah...well, he was when I was only 20!

But really, old, he never was. He always said I kept  him young, and that might be so, but in many ways I had a hard time keeping up with him.  I could blame it on his long legs, but he was always moving faster than me.

Today I will be wishing that I had been more demanding about making him slow down and smell the roses. I will be wishing that he had stayed a little longer.  I'll be wishing that I had not stayed busy with other things and had slowed myself down a bit and done those crazy things that never seemed like 'me.' Things like the two of us pushing the cart around the grocery store on an almost daily basis.  

I always resisted, because I always thought there would be time for that when he was 90 and I was 80.   I never, ever expected that he would not make it to even close to 80.

But, reality will set in also, and I will recognize that Roger would not leave the joys of Heaven even if he could. Since his departure, other friends have passed on. Some days, it seems to be a cycle.
Some days, I feel like God is just calling His children home because something big is about to take place down here.  If that is the case, then I want everyone I know to be ready for eternity. To experience a joy greater than any we have on earth.  That is what Roger would want as well.

Anniversary. A day to remember.  I'm glad that I started writing over a year ago. It has been a help to me. It has been good to record memories for my children and grandchildren. It has also been wonderful to recognize that none of us will be here forever. This is practice.  This wedding day that we experienced 42 years ago, and the life we lived together, was practice. It was practice for a perfect life in eternity.

I like to remember the ups of our life together, and not the downs. But I have come to realize that the downs made us stronger and increased our faith, both in God and in each other. The downs led us to the next up.  We did the richer and poorer, and the sickness and health - although it was mostly me who did the really tough sick part, which might have been better for him. (I wonder what kind of nurse I would have been had it been the other way around)   The til death do us part....well, we did that too, not that I was fond of that part so much. We had a fun life together, figuring each other out, being total opposites in so many ways, accepting each other without trying to mold the other into a whole new person.  And yet we were different people at the end of it than we were when we started. Aren't we all?  Hopefully we were better. More loving, more forgiving, more encouraging.

Does it get better over a year later? Not really. It gets manageable. Life can still be joyful and life can still have meaning. Does it mean that the 'new normal' will ever feel 'normal?'   I kind of think not.  Maybe I will have a better reading on that in a decade.

Interesting that Woodlawn called today. They wanted his marker to be installed. Plastic sign - still - over a year later.  Veteran's Admin holdup. Go figure.   Roger would laugh. He would tell me that he is not there so don't let it bother me.  He would find humor in the fact that the VA is so slow.  He would say that they know he was a conservative Republican.  He does not even have a vase for me to put flowers in, and they dug up his tree.  "The sun will keep my muscles warm" he would laugh and say.  Good grief. I can still hear his voice in my head all the time. And mostly, he makes me laugh!

Roger's Lesson: Don't get hung up on that stuff. Keep living and don't hang out at the cemetery. You can't help those who have gone on. Invest in those who are still here. Keep telling them about the joy they can experience in eternity, but that they have to decide now.  Don't give up. 

Yes, it is also interesting that I found a paper today called "Happenings In Heaven"
I had never seen it before, and I thought I had been through all of Roger's stuff.
Interesting that I saw it today - I'll read it sometime during this anniversary day.  I'll skip to the part about the Marriage of The Lamb.  

And I know that it will remind me of the great times we had together on this earth, and that the good times were only a teeny tiny taste of the life to come.  And I will think on those wonderful things of earth that we experienced together - and I will thank God that for whatever crazy reason He allowed me to end up in the Sears Catalog department in 1972, I recognize that He directed it all - just has He has done every day since.  And that he allowed Roger to survive an awful car accident in March of 72 and be on medical leave, picking up his dad from ...yes, Sears, and hanging out in the Catalog Department until clock out time...... only God could have arranged that.

It is too bad the Sears Catalog has gone the way of the dinosaur.  But I am so glad that my man found his bride at the Catalog desk!  Thank you, Lord!

And as Roger would say...... Un-Buh-leave-a-bull !!!!    

The whole story? 
....ah, look back in the archives to May 12, 2014 - the photos and stories can be found there! 

Happy Birthday

May 5, 2015

I love morning email messages that tell me that something is coming in the mail.

In this case, about 35 photo albums.

I spent the better part of April re-reading journals and going through 15, 000 (+) photos in order to create a photo album for the kids (well - their parents) who went to Europe's Mediterranean Coast in January.

The theme - interestingly - The Journey.

And talk about surprises. I still sit here in May - going into 4 months from that 'diagnosis'  of "Malignant" - and thinking about the journey.  In January, I was headed to Europe - Italy, Monaco, France, Spain - and yet, while the kids were away, I spent the time in the hospital. (Thankfully, not a European one!)

Thankfully, I trusted God to open and close doors, which I always try to do. Of course, I was praying for the group - not praying about me. But God knew. He always does.

God knew what we all needed before we knew. His presence has been evident every step of the way these past four months.

We are praying that I will respond well to treatments, and the doctors are very pleased that I am.  I know that is not me, that is prayer.

In these journals, I read student recollections of endurance, perseverance, and the fact that this journey called life is their personal journey, and not one that someone can do for them.  Did they 'get it?'  Only time will tell.  I like writing things down because it makes it so much easier to recall your experiences and your thoughts.  No one can mess with your head if you write things down.

I know that the process of journaling (blogging) has helped me through this journey called 'grief' this past year.  I can tell a difference when days go by and I have not expressed my thoughts in written word.  I know that much of this journey is a process and that each journey is different, and yet much the same.

I love watching the lives of these young people that God allowed to cross my path - for whatever the reason and no matter how long or short the time.  I love watching the people they grow to be and the way they choose to live their lives.  I love being able to pray that they find their way, even when they may not know that I am even aware or praying.

We did not have 'social media' when I was a teen. Their lives are so much on display that in many ways it is scary. Yet, I have to believe that in many ways, this new media of ours is something that can be used for so much good if we will allow it.   And I allow it to be my little portal for prayer.   I allow God to let some random name pop up every now and then so that I have no need to 'stalk' - I don't like that terminology and I don't do it ' but when someone randomly comes up, it is like my little message from God that they need something and I can pray about it.

This week, one is taking parents to Europe - I think that is so exciting and I am praying that she makes it the most amazing trip of their lives. They are blessed and she will teach them a lot. It is good as we get older, to let our children lead. It is one way that we know we can trust them to make good decisions on our behalf when we reach the point of needing their assistance.

Another just got married. I am praying that he leads that new bride beautifully as the spiritual leader of his new home.

Babies are being born and families expanding. And I pray for health and joy as they lead these little ones to know God at an early age.

But at the other end of the spectrum, there are friends who are ill, or losing parents, or struggling with losing the independence they cherish, and specific prayers are there for them as well.

Does it make any difference?  I have to believe that it does. I know it does in my life.

I know that it is a lot better to spend my days praying for others and ways for them to draw closer to God than it is to just sit in the house all day and wish myself well, or grumble about all that I can not do right now.

Roger's Lesson:  As long as you are living and breathing, find a way to do something for other people. You'll enjoy life more every day.  And every 365 of them, you're another year closer to eternity! 

I would say so!

And more than that, only four months ago, I was not entirely sure - actually not sure at all that I would see another birthday - or at the very least, not be very well when one rolled around.

But today - I would kick up my heels - if it were not for that weight-bearing issue on a fractured hip.  But in my mind, I will be kicking up my heels - and I will be rejoicing that I am indeed another year older. And it does not bother  me one single bit.

I can still say, that when the doctors did not give me hope of seeing 46 - well, for goodness sakes - sixty something looks pretty great!

Happy birthday to me - Around 23, 010 days, and counting.

Of course, only God knows the true number of the days - and that there will be so many more in eternity!

Granite

Granite Rubbing - Fallen Firefighter Memorial - Tallahassee FL

May 4, 2015

Jim went to Tallahassee this weekend with the Police Department and Town Staff. I know it was a hard trip, even with the luxury of taking a charter bus and not having to face the drive.
The Police Officer Memorial Service was today and more names were added.  I learned today that E.O.W. means End of Watch.

Why don't we all consider that our Police Officers are standing watch over us, while we are safely doing whatever it is that we do.

First Repsonders - mostly not thought about on a day to day basis - unless you are afraid you'll get a ticket because you have a lead foot, perhaps. But they are there if you need them - and even if you don't.  We should all be praying for God to place a hedge of protection around them on every single shift.

In March, our family was invited to go to Tallahassee for a different reason.  The trip was just too long and I was not strong enough at that point to ride for so long, so we passed. I hope we can attend the Fallen Firefighter Memorial service in 2016.  Actually, I hope that there are no names to add to that memorial in 2016, but statistically speaking, it is not likely.  When I think of the services they hold for firefighters, I hear bagpipes. I guess I always will.

It was really special that Jim took a few of the parchments they had prepared for the police officers and did some rubbings for each of us.  It is always hard seeing Roger's name etched in granite. There is something so final about it. A lot of days - probably most days - I go through the day as if he were just at work. I wonder how long it will be that way.  Then something happens and I realize, 'oh - he is not coming home. He is home.' - and then I really long for home. That eternal one.

Today had to be such a hard day for each of the town officers and staff. It was really hard losing one of our precious police officers and particularly because it was so senseless and so sudden. All he ever wanted to do was help people. He would have helped those teens had they even given him a chance to speak.  Instead - they shot him and then left him there and hid, and took their own lives. So senseless. Robbie determined his eternal destiny before he left us. The teens? We will never know.  

You always hear things like "God called him home." - it does not seem that way in this case - and in many cases like this. It just sounds so odd to state it that way. There were six officers from Florida who were honored in Tallahassee - for giving their lives to protect the general population - just in one year. Senseless.  

I reflected on this throughout the day.  A year later it is still hard for me to make sense of it.  Truly, God knew the number of Robbie's days. God knew the chain of events that were to take place.  I want so desperately to know why He did not intervene in those wee morning hours, yet, His ways are far beyond our understanding. All I am left with is the need to continue to pray, not for Robbie, for he is safe - but for those who were so close to him. His family, his friends, his officer partner, his Chief. Some I know, some not, but every one of them still must have those same hard days that I have when I miss Roger so much. Only - I think theirs must be harder, for Robbie's life on earth was short where Roger lived a really great 71 years.  Robbie's death was senseless, where Roger's was a surprise and a shock, and certainly most unexpected - but it was easier to see that God had allowed him three score and ten - and then some - and to just accept it.

I guess we all hang on to that idea of three score and ten - I love the way the KJV puts it - that version of the Bible is so poetic!   (Does anyone know what a score is anymore?)  As much as we hate the loss, it is a little easier to understand. There are seasons for all things, King Solomon told us - a time to live and a time to die.  As I look at another birthday, it is easy to say - oh, I'm still far from 70, I have plenty of time to do the stuff I want to do. But, do I?

We live in a super crazy world. People make personal decisions based on self. They don't value life like perhaps it once was valued. Why would you kill someone who was there to serve and protect? Yet that disregard for any authority, just bothers me - and it has such a tragic end. Young or old, when people disregard life, the end is tragic.

Today I am thinking about youth. I  have thought about young people both in and out of high school, who might be troubled, but don't know where to look for answers. They try to solve their problems  alone - or with others who have no more idea about where to find the real answers than they do.  Or they head on off to college without ever establishing what they believe about life and eternity - and why. So many never establish a relationship with a living Savior while they are young. And then they get so confused by the 'wisdom of this world' - which is not really wisdom at all, but only talking.

I remember being in high school. I remember those nuclear bomb drills. I remember reading in the Bible that we just need to 'eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die' - it seemed to make sense with all of those missiles in Cuba, and us in Florida.  Just go to the beach and party. It does not matter. We will die anyway. Might as well live it up. (Ha! and our version of
'living it up' was so mild compared to anything today!)   And yet, that message was so out of context, though I did not realize it until so many years later.

Today I am particularly thankful for those people that God placed in my life - those 'old people' who over the years have still served as mentors. I know they have prayed for me over the years and I know many are still praying for my health right now. I know that I would be a really truly messed up person today if I had followed that messed up message that was bombarding my mind back in those 'Cuban Missile Crisis days.  I know that is where I gained my love for teenagers and that desire to be one of those 'old people' who make it a mission to help pray them through those searching years.

Somewhere in my searching, God led people to me and led me to where He was. And I am thankful that for the most part, I have stayed there - and with ups and downs, good times and sad times, I have been so blessed.

Right now, in the midst of this battle that I face each day, it does not seem so bad when I think about people who are truly following a very messed up path.  God is still blessing me, in great part due to the specific prayers of so many people that God has blessed me to know over the years - and their friends too! So many, I do not even know! I make it my choice to be positive and cheerful (most of the time, anyway) and to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving while I am on this earth.  And it is working.

Roger's Lesson:  It is about prayer. When you just do not have an answer and you know someone needs help but you are not able to be there to lend a hand, you can always pray. And the more specifically you pray, the better the outcome is likely to be. You can trust that God knows your heart, but why not tell Him the specifics? 

I think about the many times that Roger would call from work and ask me to be sure to pray something specific for someone specific. So many times I did not even know the person, but he knew the power of prayer and I know he shared that with others. Many of his friends, I still pray for, though I rarely - if ever - see them.

I also know that regarding his quick departure, Roger would have told me - "God numbers your days, so be ready."  But I also know that Robbie's departure would have broken his heart. So young. So much still to give. So senseless, the timing.

But he still would have said to learn and to be ready. Know where you are going to spend eternity.

But choices are so important and Robbie's family has determined that so much good will come of that young life. And it is.  Love well, serve well, and you won't be forgotten.
Robbie is still investing in others.

Name in granite?  It may be final on earth, but not for eternity.