Trash Line

How is it possible that it is Thursday again? Where did the days go? Tiredness is overwhelming at the moment and even sleep does not seem to help. This time though, it is that physical, pain in the joints ~ clear down to your bones kind of tired. It is not the emotional, why can't I get out of this funk, kind of tired. 

I guess busy-ness really is distracting. I am back into this multi-tasking, plate spinning, keep all the gears running kind of busy. 
Plenty of things are coming together. Paperwork load is reducing and other kinds of paperwork surfaces, but hopefully, things will be in order in another month. That is like seeing light at the end of this long, dark tunnel.

The 'move' project is just about complete. The moving part is over, but I can't knock something off my list until the last bit of decorating suits me. The person who invented the cordless electric screwdriver was a  genius! Busy busy. I have hit the point where if I sit down, I fall asleep.

When you move stuff and eliminate stuff, that of course, calls for a garage sale. I love Karin's approach - 'don't make it a department store or an event, mom, just put it out and sell it, take the rest to Goodwill.'  Yea for Goodwill Express. Open on Saturdays.  Perhaps being exhaustingly tired makes it easier to part with stuff and just send it on to Goodwill! 

And is is the OCD-ness in me that makes one pile of 'treasures' turn into to the urgent need to open yet another closet door, and then to check out paint chips so a paint job can be carried out while the place is so uncluttered. And then there is the dust rag. These things never seem to end! 

There has to be a minimalist somewhere within me - it wants desperately to get out! 

I'm pretty sure Roger would  be scratching his head and wonder why we work so hard to throw things away, and also why we bought the stuff in the first place. 

For the past few days, along with the piles and piles of everything in my living room, I have toted many filled trash cans to the street. Trash - paper related products, some recyclable.  Garbage - food related products and byproducts.  We are talking trash here, not garbage! 

And I can almost hear Roger say - "You need to stop. You need to sit down and take a break. You need to just let it go and quit working on this so hard.'   He would be right. It would have been a whole lot more fun to make several trips throughout the last few days and bless my Goodwill Express. The money you get for a garage sale is about 30 cents per hour. 

My cans runneth over. 

And so I stopped. And I thought about empty trash cans. Then I thought about empty trash cans upside down. Then I thought about high school kids beating the heck out of those galvanized cans while playing some pretty interesting 'music' - cadences they are called. I can hear it beating in my head. I'm smiling just thinking of the headaches I endured while the kids learned those rhythms (the ones I was always a half beat off on)  I am recalling their trash line jumpsuits and their crazy colored converse. I am recalling the enthusiasm and the great work ethic of the kids, and I think about ho much fun we all had in band. Hard work. Good fun. Roger loved watching them perform. 

I'm going to listen tonight and call it a day. I will drift off to sleep with the unmistakable da da dadada da da beating in my head. And I will think about Roger pacing himself. 

And I am glad he did....he might not have made it to 71 and a bit if he had rushed through life. 

I need to focus on that! 

Heart Clenching Pain

Memorial Day weekend. I head off to church thinking about the blessing we still have in this country. I thought about all of the older gentlemen in our church who served during their lifetimes. You can almost always pick out a former soldier in a crowd. There is just something about the way they carry themselves - a certain pride, not in themselves, but in the freedoms they fought to preserve.

Roger never had to go overseas, but many of his friends did serve on the ground in Vietnam. Shameful the way America treated those who returned. Shameful if any vet is treated any way but honorably. I love this country, but don't always support the decisions being made by those powers that be.

The message Sunday was about government and our response and responsibility to it. It was an outstanding message with a whole lot of food for thought! 

I love patriotic music - US Marine Band, Air Force Band, anyone who plays God and Country music - Wow!  I'm not sure where my brain was when asking Debbie to sing something patriotic for Roger's service. It is not like I couldn't have asked for any song that was not sung frequently. Oh no. Memories do these interesting things. When something big or important, or traumatic, happens in your life, your mind involves all of the senses and records those memories.

The video started - flag waving, eagle - flashback to Feb. 15.   I had seen this many many times on many patriotic occasions, but my mind flashed to Feb. 15.

Thank goodness this was not a solo, though I love Debbie's solos. There she was, singing with the worship team, "God Bless America, Land that I love...."  Flashback.  I knew in an instant that this was not a flashback that was mine alone. I knew that as much as I could only see myself on that front row, praying Debbie through that song on Feb. 15, I could also only see Roger and flowers, and men in uniform, and a preacher -- -  and what I try to say is just a sort of surreal departure is actually real.  

I knew Debbie was probably having as much of a tightening around her heart as I was that morning.  I wanted to run away, but as I stood with my hands clasped, I just thanked God for Roger's life and that I got to share it, and I prayed for Debbie who had to be having a most difficult challenge on that stage. Somehow we got through it, and I know people were blessed. .... and she was praying for me as I was praying for her. So special. 

...."Stand be side her, and guide her, through the night with a light from above...."

That has more meaning now than just as a patriotic song.  As God desires to guide this nation, He still guards and guides those individuals within the nation who still trust and believe in Him. 

...."from the mountains, to the prairies, to the oceans white with foam..."   Oh the freedom we still have to travel this beautiful country of ours. And it is not just the places, but the people you meet....that was Roger's only real reason for traveling anywhere.

...."God bless American, my home sweet home!"

Roger's Lesson:  Trave anywhere and everywhere in this world that the doors of opportunity will take you, but don't forget the place where God placed you. We are particularly blessed as a people. A melting pot, meant to bring out the best in each of us. The heat from that melting pot is meant to refine what is not the best and take the best in each of us to make it better.  Like seasonings make things better.  Contribute to what makes things better. Serve others, share that only Christ makes things truly better. Live in such a way that others know that there is something different guiding you. 

That's a pretty big message, but we have a pretty big country too. And yet, it really is that simple. He loved learning about other people, their journey, their lives, their influences. He loved being an American.  "American by birth, Christian by choice," he would say.   

His heritage might have been Polish and Romanian, but he called himself American.  
Melting Pot - that is what he called American. The best of everyone, but only the best if you want to be called American.  

Roger would have loved the sermon about government and our response to it. He would have loved the teaching about moral law, civil law, and ceremonial law. He would have known as much about it as the preacher, but he would have loved listening and agreeing. He would have been sad that we as a country have strayed so far from God's moral law.

"What anyone decides to do or believe is their business," he would say. "I did not make up God's moral law, He did." And we always agreed that it was possible to love anyone, but not have to agree about everything,  because most matters (particularly moral issues) are between the individual and God anyway.    "It is better to be respected than liked" he would tell the girls so often when they were growing up. And he lived that way too. 

And yet, everyone seemed to like Roger. Even those who did not agree with him.  
So what started out hard and emotional, ended up with a very powerful and challenging message for me. 

And then another video and bagpipes. Bagpipes - all I can hear is "I DO NOT want bagpipes at my funeral." but he would never say why. Now I know. Every time you hear them it just brings tears.  I find myself wondering if he heard that bagpipes at Calvin Bookhart's funeral - his mentor of his youth, and they evoked really strong memories for him. He never said. But I think I understand now. 

So I'll train my memory to only tear up when I hear Amazing Grace or It is Well with my Soul on the bagpipes. And I won't sing anything but the last verse in my head!  

And I will always thank those who were wiling to give their lives for others, whether in the military, or a first responder in the homeland. 

Two ingredients

Food evokes memories. Camping - that's what Roger seemed to recall when he had a need to eat beanie weenie.

Gag is what I would recall. I really had to doctor up beanie-weenie before I could eat it.

There were plenty of foods available to us for which we did not have the same appreciation.

Olive Garden - he got the black olives and peppers, I got the tomatoes and lettuce.
Pizza - he got the anchovies (on only HALF the pizza) and the black olives, and the funghi (italian for mushrooms) and I got the normal vegetables.   He preferred bell peppers cooked, I liked them raw.

I guess we hardly ever had a meal out where we did not swap something on our plates!

One night over the past weekend we came in so tired, too tired to cook and almost too tired to eat. The grocery store never has been my thing, so staying busy with other things meant that even the most basic of foods were missing from the fridge.

Ah, but Roger had made one of his many trips to the grocery the morning of February 10.

And he came back with hot dogs. I don't like hot dogs. (daddy took us one time to watch a butcher make them - that cured me!)  Roger LOVED hot dogs. Actually, I would constantly tell him that if it had enough preservatives, carcinogens, sodium, and fat in it, he would probably eat anything. And he would laugh.  "You always need hot dogs and porky beans" he would say. "You never know when you just don't feel like real cooking."

Talk about a plan. And I still had one young lady with me who was channeling her daddy.  "Let's have beanie weenie! I LOVE Beanie weenie!"  Seriously?!

I diced up the onions, opened the Van Camp's and smelled and savored the beans. I tried to etch into my memory the feel and taste of those beans 'straight from the can.' Roger would eat them that way - elated to eat them that way! They must have brought back some memory of camping with his parents when he was a kid. They liked to fish and camp out. A joy that I never acquired.  I think it was a Nani and Roger thing, actually. Papa would say, let's go camp at the Hilton. He could read my mind!

I diced up the dogs - Roger's last purchase and probably the last time dogs will hit my freezer.
I tossed it all in  a pan. Oh look....they made a little heart!

Maybe that is a stretch of the imagination, but I see a heart and that is all that matters.

And this time, when I ate my beanie weenie, I savored it. I thought of all the times that Roger was so happy that I made it for him, just because he loved it.

It also made me think about how God tells us that there is a season for everything. Laughter and Crying. Sowing and Reaping, Living and dying.  
I guess there is also a season for figuring out how to put it all back together when your other half has departed. I know he is ok. I know he lives in the fullness of joy.  If he eats, I imagine he can even get beanie weenie if he wants it.

How to make the most of this earthly life without your other half - now that is the challenge.  I know that I'll be ok, because God promised not to leave me alone in all of this. And so far, He has not. I know that He will not.

I am just coming to realize though that even though we were quite independent people, we really were  each just have of the whole.

I was the cream to his coffee.
He was the sugar to my tea.

Roger's Lesson:  Anything really important takes two parts. Two equals to make a whole.
He would so often say that there are many ways to achieve a goal, but only one way to achieve the most important one. To make it to Heaven. To get there it takes only two parts and  one decision.  One individual + One Savior, Jesus Christ. And the decision to accept His invitation to spend eternity with him.

We were both on the same page with that decision! He just got there before me, but Lord willing, we'll see Jesus returning in the clouds before too long. (The hope of generations! )

The next time I see beenie-weenie, I'm going to think of the feast in Heaven and wonder if Roger has found anything better than beenie-weenie on the table.

And I remember the look on his face when his plateful arrived at the table, and I will have a warm feeling all over, and I will laugh.

Safety First!

It was another busy day. Awake at 6, sorting and storing to do! Roger would have been out early to bring in more donuts than it would be good for anyone to eat. He would have kept the coffee pot going for Karin too!

It is no wonder that people become quite comfortable where they are because packing up everything and moving to another place is a whole lot of work! And that's only half of it.Unpacking and trying to find the perfect place for everything, then realizing that even as a minimalist you have too much stuff, then parting with it in order to stick to your convictions...oh. my. goodness!

Press on we did though. It is nothing short of a miracle the way things have fallen into place. When you edit down the possibilities of what you really want, it makes it so much easier to achieve your goal. 

Furniture was in and Karin knew immediately that she hated tile floors, so she needed some softness. Off to the carpet store we went, and left quickly with an amazing remnant that fit the bill perfectly! We picked up our young helper on the way home. With all the seats down, Jacob knew that he had better have on a seat belt in a moving car ~ 'safety first' ~ we could all hear it! Middle school boys come up with the most interesting solutions to their problems, don't they?! 

Carpet in - now, time to unpack! Jacob even wondered how all of the stuff was going to fit! 

One thing we realized this weekend is that it is very freeing to eliminate stuff. Even though we think that we don't acquire so many things, all those little trips to Old Time Pottery, Ikea, etc really do add up. Nani called them Tchokes  (Cha ch keys)...little things we use to decorate or make collections out of.  Sentimentality really makes these things add up!

I have become all about digital photography in this respect. Give me a good photo of whatever item I can't release, put that item in a 'save' box, and when you have not used it for a year - let it be someone else's blessing.  Roger skipped the whole 'put it in a box' part. 

He loved the History channel and watched so much of the War in Europe. He knew it inside and out. He used to shake his head in disbelief about the money we 'saved' him when purchasing our newest treasure. 'Stuff is not important' he would say. It is the memories you make, not the stuff you collect. 

"Never saw a u-haul behind a hearse.'

Man - his sayings might have not been totally original, but they surely were true, and mostly timely for the activity involved.  If you could have pulled a u-haul, he would not have needed one for "stuff."

So, this weekend has been mentally freeing as well, as we have moved a lot of our stuff. And we have recalled a lot of great memories. And we have laughed a lot.  And we have been totally and completely exhausted. 

But like Roger always said - "just be sure it is a good tired' -  

Roger's Lesson:  Keep the memories and not the stuff.

It's just that simple.

And we kept what was needed, safely stored treasures in bins, and enjoyed a whole lot of memories. 
Life is good....and safe! And Roger would have enjoyed it at the end because that pot of coffee would have been brewing. 

What's the purpose?

Friday. Just a little over three months since she last slept in her first place. Life changed. Desires changed. God moved and things fell into place to take a great leap of faith. Roger would be proud. He would be happy. 

One thing we have found is that indeed, life goes on, but things change. No matter how much you want to hope that they will be almost the same, they really are not. There is so much that is missing when someone near and dear to your heart departs quickly. 

Many people have told us that Roger's sudden departure caused them to seriously re-valuate the purpose of their own lives. Wow, us too! We all think that we are doing pretty important things with our lives, but it is not every moment of every day that we think of what those 'things' are in light of eternity.  I always try to keep that central to my thoughts and decision making, but it is so easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of this life we live. It is battle that I constantly fight - busy busy busy.  

Somewhere along my life - back in childhood - I was taught that idle hands are the devil's workshop. I was supposed to always be doing something.   Busy I could stay too! Muti-taksing - a pro!   As I have grown older, and hopefully wiser, I have come to see that idle minds are more likely the devil's workshop and then the hands get into trouble. 

But "idle" is not the same as still and quiet.  I used to love to lie in the grass and look at the clouds and find shapes and imagine stories and 'paint' those cloud stories in my mind. It looked a lot like ide-ness, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. I don't see kids doing that anymore. 

On Friday we were anything but idle. We packed more in a truck than I thought possible. We unpacked more quickly than we packed it too! The challenge now was to make a place for everything and then put everything in its place.  Roger would have been right in there helping to load and unload. He would have disappeared long enough to order a pizza delivery. He would have hoped that there was coffee somewhere along the way. 

Mostly though, he would have been very happy to have his baby girl moving so much closer to home. It is hard on parents to have our children far away, even if far is only on the other side of a metropolitan city. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it does not, but I am one very happy mom to see God moving in such a wonderful way for us. My world traveler has her priorities right. She knows what is important to her, and not because I say so. She knows what it takes for her to enjoy peace and relaxation, and along with that, inspiration and energy.  She seems to find that unique balance in life that so many of us never attain. 

The events of February 10 changed a lot of lives. It changed the way we feel, the way we think, and even the things we do. We came to understand the depth of true love. We find ourselves always thinking and hoping that the decisions we make would be approved of by Roger. We find as often though, that we are confident that he would be pleased. That is a pretty good feeling. 

I still have so many moments when it feels like he is at work, or off on a run and will be right back.  I am still startled into reality so often. It still seems surreal in so many ways. 

I still take the time to evaluate, and re-evaluate the course of my own life. Karin reminds me often that it is too soon for me to know where life is going to take me on this new journey of mine. She is right. A year from now, I don't know what I will see when I look back. Hopefully it will be someone who has continued to grow in Christ, someone who still has a sense of eternal purpose and interesting ways to minister and serve each day. 

Roger's Lesson: He would have made sure that everyone had food and water every moment of the day and mostly he would be glad that we did the moving part quickly. He would have been most proud that Karin has re-grouped and focused on what is best for her, rather than simply maintain the status quo simply because it was easier that way. And he would say that tired is ok as long as it is a 'good tired' from doing something really productive from an eternal point of view.

We might be making it, but he is very much missed! 

A girl has got to have her flowers! 
Loaded up and ready to go...

Off for a new adventure. Trusting God for all that is wonderful, for He knows better than any of us what is most beneficial in our lives. 

We don't have to understand. We just have to trust. 

Deception

Sometimes you just have to go back and set the stage. This will be an eventful weekend, not only because it is Memorial Day and we remember those who served our country over the centuries.  
This particular 'long weekend' happens to coincide with a move and we are pressing on so that we can be finished and ready to focus on Monday. 

Looking back to the beginning of this adventure, I can now see certain irony in it, and humor. Karin can stretch a penny like no other and she will research for amazing lengths of time before committing her hard earned money to a project.  As much as she is almost a clone of her daddy, she is definitely not like him in this respect. His approach was always just "get 'er done.'    He did not worry about the cost so much if it was a job that had to be done. Time is money so you pay either way - that was his philosophy. 

We got past too much evaluation and picked the rental truck place closest to the house. Why pay mileage for pickup and return, right? Everything was a breeze. She settled on a 14 foot box truck for $59.99 - loading ramp included. Not bad. 

Roger would not have let them, but Kristin and Karin even drove the truck! Wow!  Is this family actually going to be able to pull off the stuff we counted on Roger to do? Not that we liked it at all, but we were actually feeling empowered.  That made me think about Roger and work. I learned not long ago about how he 'delegated' out so much to others. He called it empowering.  
Well, I guess his premature departure is going to have to empower us whether we like it or not!

Fast forward to Friday - oh, that has even more great stories, but I'll stay focused on the truck.  The truck that Karin drove all the way across town. Perhaps my favorite comment was, " Driving a truck is the best. All of the things I hate about driving the 408 just went away. When you are in a U-Haul, people just expect that you don't have a clue what you are doing, so they are patient and just go around you as opposed to trying to run you off the road in a regular car."   

Of course my team of two amazing young men who helped us haul and load made the morning go quickly - along with my carefully ordered manifest - and soon we were on our way back home, fully loaded. Karin ended up arriving only a few minutes after my fully loaded SUV! I was soooooo impressed!  

Skipping to the end of the day, actually early afternoon, we returned the truck. I forgot that little detail about filling up with gas before return and thought it would totally throw her budgeting out the window. Nice surprise for me! It did not bother her at all.

" How much gas could this thing take for 50 miles? Even at only 10 miles to the gallon, that's just $5 extra." WOAH! Is this a child of mine speaking, I wondered?  She sounded just like Roger!  Was his lesson - the one he lived all the time - actually sinking in?

Roger's Lesson: Sometimes, you just pay the money. It costs you in time or it costs you in money, and really, they are one in the same actually.  Make the decision that gives you the most free time. 

U Haul bill -    $127.  I never figured that one out, but for a $59.99 rental, I guess it could have been worse. Was it deception? Well, the price was not reality, but it was all of the add ons. (Mileage, Gas) Tax)  Did we ask enough questions? Probably not. Did we need the product? Yes, it made life simpler. Are we glad we don't do a move often? YOU BET!  So was it really worth the cost?

Yes, because free time means time to spend with people, right?

And then we went to Arby's to reward ourselves on finishing early and upright. And we got three shield pennies in our change. TRIPLE CROWN!   

Roger would have been well pleased with our efforts for the day!

Shakers

 It's always exciting to go to the Space Center, but Thursday brought the 'need to go' but also the apprehension. The purpose was to pick up medical records. This is one of those things that puts me back into the 'surreal.'

Thank goodness I was wise enough this time to enlist the company of a friend for the long drive. It is the stillness and quiet that gets me every time and common sense told me that driving and crying was not going to be the best of combinations - especially since this family has had quite enough drama for one year.

It is so wonderful to have a friend who not only laughs with you,

but also listens, encourages, and challenges you. It is fun to have things in common - history of children growing up, learning together - but even more fun to know that our friendship will last for eternity for we both serve the same Savior.

The drive to KSC is a LONG one and I know that it never bothered Roger, because he loved to drive. I, on the other hand, love to be a passenger. As I drove along the road to the coast, it occurred to me that I had no idea where I was going, except EAST.  At one point Janie's GPS kept telling us to "make a U Turn." Oh, how we must have irritated that gadget that kept talking to us!  We actually could have ended up 'somewhere on the coast' had Rick ("Chief") not called at just the right time - before the split in the road. Again, I stand amazed at the way God sends just the right message at just the right time.

It is always good to see Rick and to hear how things are going at KSCFD. I miss that. Roger talked to at least one of the officers, even on his days off. I loved the stories of the crazy calls they had on full moon nights. I might have not known each firefighter by face - but I knew them by nickname and Roger's stories. It feels so weird to not hear anything any more.

I met Debbie - from Medical. Bless her heart, I could tell that this meeting was hard for her. She had known Roger for the better part of his career at KSC and I could tell that handing off his medical records was choking her up. Sometimes I forget how hard this is for the people who worked so closely with him. There is such a void for them, much as it is for me. I'm so thankful for the help offered by each one though.

We had a nice drive home and I have not yet decided to open that medical envelope. I need to be sure that it is something that will move me forward before I do it. There are reasons to open it, and reasons not to. Mostly I wonder if I am just afraid that it will reveal something I should have seen, but didn't.

On the back seat they stayed, and we made our way back to Orlando. What a hoot we were too! We looked for landmarks along the 528. Were we lost? On which side of the airport is Narcoosee?  Have we passed the airport already? How in the world did we miss seeing an ENTIRE airport?  We laughed and kept driving. Sooner or later we would reach I-4, even though we wanted to get off and eat!

Some of our favorite restaurants are the "mom and pop" variety. A diner. Yes, and we found one!
It is called Shaker's, which did not give me a clue about anything, until I walked in and found salt shakers GALORE! What fun it was to look at them and think of when we had seen them before. Salt and Pepper shakers apparently are quite collectible. The folks who owned this restaurant were clearly collectors too!

Janie and I had a great day. Eddie made us pancakes to start off our morning, we ended with lunch at Shaker's. Wise decision, Judi. This day cold have been a  train-wreck. Thank you, Janie, for throwing your cares - and projects - to the wind and taking a break with me. Hopefully, it was what we both needed!

Roger's lesson: I think he would be happy that I took what could have been a train-wreck of a day, and turned it into laughter instead.

Salt of the earth. That's my Roger. Shaker's was such an appropriate place for lunch!

Numbered

It took me forever to learn to read one of these things. When I did, it made me think more carefully about leaving everything on all the time. Over the years, we adjusted to the ever increasing cost of power. More $ for them, less $ for our discretionary spending. 

Roger did not like candles, but he was forever telling me to turn off the lights. We had finally decided to get 'the beast' under control. We had tweaked our own habits a good bit over the years, but this was the year for the MAJOR "Honey-do" list to get tackled.  
After 35 years in the same house, even with most things still working, we knew that the day was coming when everything was going to quit - and with our luck, at the same time. 

Hurricanes came and hurricanes went and our little ole home just stood strong, like the house built on the rock, rather than the sand. We had faithfully paid our homeowner's insurance for 35 years with "narry a claim" - it seemed that we were never going to get that long awaited remodel, on the insurance company. Great dreams though! 

Though I was more about actually doing something that involved spending money to be more efficient than he was (he would never have considered himself 'green.') ~ it was hard to get around to actually making the call for an energy audit. I was not prepared for the answers I might hear! 

And now, we won't get to do this thing together. "They say" that if you can build a house together and not get divorced, then you can probably weather anything in a marriage. That may well be true! There were times when I thought we were not going to make it through the build 35 years ago, but thankfully I was young enough to defer to him rather than stand my own ground when we were building.  And now, 2014 was going to give us another go at it. I'm sure that I would prove to be much more strong willed this time around so maybe that is why we kept putting it off.   Oh honey - I am not sure about this 'honey-do' list without you!

The days when I am most tired at night, but less teary during the day, are those when I am busy. Once I figured this out, I started scheduling up everything possible. So, enter Mr. Duke Energy Audit.  Interesting and quick, he was. He knew what energy leaks he was looking for, and boy did he find them!  When he left, he gave me a little 'energy kit." It was so cute. It had these little curly cue light bulbs in it....ah, those were the ones that Roger detested! I did not have the heart to tell Mr. Energy Man that we had a stockpile of Edison bulbs that could get us through the next millineum. Roger was prepared!   He gave me weather stripping and little foamy things that go behind light switches too. I think it would have made me miss Roger even more if he had been the man who would actually use a screwdriver to replace all of these things. 

While we recognize the practicality of sealing up the place and saving our energy money for a vacation, putting these things into practice took more dedication. WE decided to dig in and deal with it, but now "I" am going to have that 'honey-do' list all on me.  Not sure I am too happy about that, but I guess it will keep me busy. 

It will keep me busy and I will laugh as I think of how we could be changing out light switch foamy things and Roger would want coffee, and a snack. 

I will laugh when I think about how he would tell me to join him on the swing, in the summer breeze, rather than staying in the house with fresh new insulation. And how he would be saying that we should go out to lunch and stroll the mall, while it is hot outside ~ saving our air conditioning and using the merchants. I will laugh about how logical his thinking actually was, even though he drove me crazy with those ideas most of the time.  Task oriented girl, people oriented guy. What a pair! 

It is remarkable to me that how God, in all His wisdom, puts together plans like this so that when someone is overwhelmed with alone-ness, those little projects will be on the list and need attention. It's like he knew all along, just what I would need down the road. 

Roger's Lesson: Oh, he would say "of course He knew!"  If he knows the number of our days, then he knows the needs of those who still remain with a race to run on this earth. 

And he would also tell me to go ahead and prepare for the years to come, while I am still youngish and have the energy to do it - we wanted to face retirement without things falling down around us, so I will do that. But - I can hear him now - "Don't stay inside that energy efficient, comfortable home of ours"  -  yes, that is what my people-man would say. Get out and be with people. You get a whole lot more out of life that way. 

I'll let the numbers on that meter remind me that my days are numbered too, and I should use them wisely and efficiently on things that really matter. There are jobs that need attention, but I must not be totally absorbed all the time.  I will try to knock these jobs out quickly and get back to the living! 

I bet Roger has the perfect weather conditions today and is sitting on his heavenly swing, just chatting with the Saints.  What a life. What a great way to spend eternity.  "Be still" -  I must keep practicing! 

Rolling: Tears and Tides

Monday. Sunshine. A sweet message that put the tears in their place. I do love it when there are writers with a great command of the English language. I love it when I read something and get a visual image that connects it all.

Read it out loud.

"I think that it is God's severe mercy allowing our grief  to come in rolling waves rather than in one titanic-tsunami..."

Wow - Thanks, Punky! That visual image makes me recall that eventful year when I was trekking back and forth on that chemo roller coaster. Basically, when it comes to illness, I am a wimp. Don't like it. Don't want to do it. Chemo was one of those things that goes in the category of 'horrific.'  You feel human, then they load you up with poison, then you feel like you would rather be on the brown side of the grass, then slowly you start feeling human again and it starts all over again. The start over was always the worst part. Knowing what good felt like, then walking into the office just knowing you would come out feeling like toast ~ the worst!  

At the time I had a student who had just survived this with his mother. He had compassion, like little I had ever seen from a male high school student. He also was a surfer and he shared this little hint with me. I knew I would never forget it, and yet, it was not until Punky wrote me the little message I quoted that his lesson came back.  He said to face chemo like riding a wave. (Now imagine this young man telling this to an olde lady....cute....riding a wave!) Not that I had any life experience that would even give me an idea of how to ride a wave, but I did watch Gidget at one time - so sure, I could visualize this.  He said to just imagine that I would lie down on the board and paddle out to the calm water. When in deep water, the waves are small - rising and falling, gently - but as you get closer to shore - the shallow water, the waves begin to increase in size. If you fight the wave, you go under. If you ride the wave and hang on to your board (your foundation, I gather) - then you'll soon ride it out and be safely on the shore, basking in the sun.  Cool visual image - I tried that on the next chemo and it worked...

But there was something deeper there, that possibly he did not even realize. Deep water - the depth of Christ's love and care for me. Deep water - no way to conquer it on your own - no one can tread water long enough. Deep water - you hardly ever start there.  Shallow water - turbulence. Shallow faith - no way to draw from past experience, where you learn to have faith, little by little.  It does not happen in one day, or even in one year. It takes a lifetime.

High school students are a special group. I laugh when I meet people who roll their eyes and wonder if I have lost my mind because I say that I love, yes love, working with young people. "Teen agers" AHHHHH, they might say.    Teenagers - wow- they think they are invincible. They see the world with unlimited possibilities. They often even think deeply about our world and where their place is in it.  And I tend to gravitate towards those artsy teens. The ones who think outside the box. The ones who will take a risk and not necessarily conform. The ones who don't seem to care as much about what impression others have of them as they do in trying to be all they can be.

With these teens, there is always the chance that they will try risky behaviors and follow the ways of the world. There is an equal chance, however, that they will find the source of strength that grounds them. And when they do, wow - the passion they have - the way they are ready to take on the world as God directs them - it is quite something to see!

And that reminds me of Number 7.  Roger met her in the band and maybe they connected because of her name. We used to host a 5K for the band, and her race number was 7. He cheered her on and waited in the chute for all of the runners. He had to be there in case anyone needed help at the end of the race. Those were fun days.  After that, he never called her by her name, only a hug and "Hey, Number 7!"   And she loved it.   I had dinner with her Monday night and what a joy. She is all grown up and in college now. She knows who she is in Christ and has a passion that I love to see. There is no telling how many lives she will impact for the Lord. Roger would have loved to have had dinner with her.  I'm sure he knows though, that she has grown to be a wonderful young woman, full of grace, full of faith, full of passion for the things that matter.

Roger's Lesson: He would remind me of how much I have learned from the young people in my life and not to forget to connect with them. They are our future and we need for them to be well grounded in the faith. That's the important thing.

So the next time the tears start rolling, for whatever unforeseen reason, I'll think about teens and some of the remarkable wisdom they impart. Even when they don't realize they are being so wise.

Choked up

What is it with today? Is it because I sit here with the leg all propped up and not burning much energy that I am on the edge of tears almost constantly? Yesterday was filled with laughter. What a contrast. 

Is it because I missed my church fix this morning - my message of encouragement and hope - and the faces of so many people with so many interesting journeys. Is it because I missed finding myself checking up on all of "Roger's" people on Sunday mornings - the little aging, precious people we have known for years. He always had his eye on them, just in case they had an emergency need.  (Of course, they are in more trouble than they could imagine should they have an emergency on my watch!)

Was I choked up with tears after the ballet meeting because I know that this was Roger's thing. It was his thing to take Emily to dance each week. It was his thing to see her in her little recital outfit and be so proud as she danced her little 2 minutes on stage. He loved those 2 minutes...and the 2 minutes of the other girls he met at the studio. (Even though he did not enjoy sitting in a cramped theatre seat for two hours on a Sunday afternoon- but he humored us!) Was I so choked up because I know how hard it is going to be for Emily to dance, and not have him there. It really just is not the same, no matter how you try to play it out in your mind.

Was I choked up because it is me and Kellen this week, and he is making it, and he his happy enough, but he is still never as happy as he was with Roger - or with Karin.  Some people just can not be replaced.

Was I tearing up - and choking them back - when I walked past his portal on the sidewalk but so wanted to see him there. It just brings back memories of him being on his way home - home to me.

I have no idea why today is so much harder than others have been. Maybe it is because I have not been busy. Maybe busy is the way to avoid thinking about it. Maybe busy is what covers up the loss and its pain.  And here, I have been thinking that I have been doing 'pretty well' and holding it all together and making it through just fine.

In reality, perhaps I have just stayed "busy."

And though I do not like the consequences of crying - the stuffy nose, the puffy eyes - I am coming to learn that tears are healing in many ways. And it is ok to cry, though I don't really like to do it in public. Perhaps I needed this day of quiet and nothingness to just process the happenings of the last three months. Perhaps the quiet was just too much for me. 

God tells us that life is a vapor. We are here today and gone tomorrow. Only He knows the number of our days in the same way that he knows the number of the stars in the sky, the grains of sand, and the hairs on our head. And He tells us that it is good to BE STILL.  It is something I have never, ever been good at doing.

Today I was still. Today the tears flowed. But the healing comes through it all.
At the end of it all, I feel more confident that if I do as Roger did, and live each day in the present, always ready to go home, then it really is the best thing of all.

Roger's Lesson: I know that he would remind me of what he always believed and that even though he was ready to come home to 335, he was always prepared to go HOME, when God called his name.

And I have to remember how blessed we are that it was without illness, and without pain, and without  a sense that he was not ready to meet his Maker. He was ready, even though we were not.

But it still does not stop the tears.
I guess it never will.

It's Not About Football

I woke up often last night. I'm not sure if it was the pain in my leg, or because I was laughing that caused the awakening. Yesterday was a full day. 

Doc Martin, not the shoes, melted down some veins in my leg. That was interesting. Burning veins are stinky but that laser is pretty cool. I still think it would be a very neat tool for removing moss from old oak trees. Roger always said my idea was crazy because laser means heat, heat means fire, fire in an oak tree is not good. Hey...I had a firefighter on hand so I never saw the problem. 

Afternoon meant spending time with my amazing SIL (Sister in Love) - She is fun, not only because she (and Jessica) is an AMAZING cook, and baker, she is just relaxed and makes any and every thing just more relaxed. I got to relax with my leg up and pay more for a jacket than I ever thought possible, but hey, the cheesecake made it worth it! Home parties - gotta love em. One per year. 
  
Then, off to the theatre. I love my Master's Academy Thespians! I do my best not to miss a show and I will follow that Director ANYWHERE, even if she ever gets a wild hair to leave TMA. She has such creativity and vision and this show (My Dear Mr. Watson) was a world premiere - written by one of her MA friends from Rollins, and Directed by my very favorite director, Morgan Matos. (I will clarify, STAGE director, for Hans is also my favorite Film Director!) She has challenged these kids so much and they always rise far beyond any of our expectations. As it should be! If you are going to teach - go for the whole thing! Thank you Morgan and my forever TMA family!  Jacob joined me and LOVED the show~ he loves figuring out mysteries~  And even Roger would have loved this show. He humored me more often than not and attended at least one showing of any production where I was involved, but LOVED Morgan's shows - unless they were too girly. Or if there was a conflicting football game. 

Jacob -my caregiver for the day - and I capped off the evening by changing into RED to celebrate Zach's high school graduation. Barbara outdid herself, as expected. (Refer to the last post) It was fun to sit at the theatre and find that the student next to me knew Zach. They met at a summer camp. It is so neat to see how small the world really is. It is even better to discover how seemingly unrelated individuals meet, and often it is through a church activity.  Crossing paths - just really neat the way God causes paths to cross.  One day I will recall the story of the first time Roger took me to Windermere. Crossing paths - so absurd sometimes, and yet something only God can orchestrate. 

Ah, but when I found myself awake throughout the night, I might have been rubbing my leg, but I was laughing with cousins. Most of these were Roger's SECOND cousins - if you follow the genealogy - but we never did. Just cousins. Most of these cousins are closer to MY age than his age.  Some are even closer to our girl's ages...though they were sort of the 'tweeners.  (Between generations because he waited past the norm age to get married and start a family)...Actually, I think that made them pretty special because all of the cousins liked to baby them! Oh the fun! 

With me and my recently repaired leg all propped up, I spent some time just observing this interesting and loving crew. They laugh. They laugh ALL the time! If they ever squabble, I have never seen it. The reason for the party was Ole Miss - where Zach chose to go to college. The theme of the party was all things southern.  Ole Miss is a wonderful ole southern school. Sam graduated from Ole Miss last year, so my sister and B-I-L spent a fair amount of time traveling between Nashville and Oxford Mississippi. Southern Charm. Family. 

I woke up laughing because I could just see Jim sporting his seersucker suit. I wondered if John would be wearing one soon. He is a bit young to be called a Southern Gentleman, but he is going to have to bump up his game pretty quickly! He's got the Southern and Gentleman, but I don't know if he has a seersucker suit!  Jim...oh, he was perfect for the part! 

I woke up laughing because David just cracks me up all the time. He is about as laid back as any young man I have ever known. He does not seem influenced by money, prestige, the elite, the never ending crazy beliefs of these 'young whippersnappers' in his college town. He has a good head on his shoulders and is just as down to earth as Roger ever was and I wish they had spent more time together. He was our ring bearer and Roger's godson (which I only recently discovered.) My family did not grow up with god-relations so I did not know to research that important little bit of information. Sadness.  
I discovered that he loved studying the Civil War and had Leonard relatives all over the place. It was like talking to a Roger-Clone. I loved it. I will also be sure that he gets one of those 'stiffly starched shirts' for he will have an appreciation for it! He reminds me a whole lot of Roger! 

I woke up laughing with Claudia, Roger's closest cousin. I got the idea that they grew up like a brother and sister in many ways. They had a unique connection. Let's see, Claudia was the middle child. That must have made her go with the flow and take the opportunities to escape from the bossy elder and attention getting baby! Ha! Much like my own siblings - only I, the eldest, was the one always trying to escape!  Aunt Hazel was my personal sanctuary! He was an only child and liked having a sister that he could send back to her house when he was tired of her. They were quite the pair! 

I woke up laughing with Punky about cancer - and beating it - and not letting it beat you! And laughing about the way it changes you and how it can be a positive thing if you let it. She is so positive and encouraging and so many times in those first few weeks, when I was tearing up unmercifully, I would get this little 'ding' and it was a text from Punky - with just the scripture message that I needed. No comments - just the perfect message from God. Pretty remarkable the way He orchestrates those things.  It was so good to see and hug her after almost a decade. I thought 10 years apart was a pretty good stretch for Roger and myself, but Punky beat me. At 6 years younger than me, she married a wonderful man the same age as Roger! She beat me in capturing the old guys! 
They were both forever young, however, likely due to robbing the cradle. 

I woke up seeing the sea of faces that we all love and seeing in my mind the ones who were present in spirit but physically in far distant places. Each one has a special place in my heart and makes me recall great memories of seeing each of them with Roger. 

Mostly while gazing around the room, I missed something really big. I missed Roger's big laugh and bear hugs being shared around. He would have been all about Ole Miss. He would have had a good time talking with Ted about those Gators, even though he would have been wearing Red with his shiny black shoes - to match my red, with black sweater. (Ted noticed right away that I was wearing Bulldogs - glory...who knew! I thought I was wearing Red for Zach!)  He would have been all about the 'boils' that John kept pouring on the table! And he would have been the very last to leave - he could never get enough of family. 

It has often been said that you do not marry the person, you marry the family. Roger always thought that he was blessed because he loved my family. We vary from reserved to over the top crazy - my mother bringing reserved and refinement to the table - Daddy kept the party going.  Roger might have been born in Ohio, but everyone considered him southern and he did too! (But I NEVER would have been able to get him into a seersucker suit!) 

But it is I who is so remarkably blessed. There ia a different kind of fun that this Wilamoski clan brought to the table. The never ending laughter and the ability to just love one another no matter what has been their theme for as long as I can remember -  The family gets bigger and it becomes more difficult to coordinate something where everyone can be present every time, but the secret is in the trying. And party, they do. 

Our family just got smaller, but I saw yesterday that Roger's love and influence lives on beyond him. I am so thankful for that. I am so thankful to be a part of this very special family.

Roger's Lesson: I know he would tell me that it is not about one college or one team, but it is about Family and Friends. It is about knowing what they care about and caring about it too. 

And it does not matter if you agree, either. 

Roger left me far more than our two babies and our expanded family. He left me his extended family as well. 

And I count myself so very blessed! 

Game Day - Tailgatin'

Why can't I sleep when I have to be up for a very early appointment? I am absolutely sure that it has something to do with "Game Day in the Grove"

Now, I knew that this had to do with Ole Miss and that Roger's "little" cousin Zach had decided to spend his college years there. (Just like my Sam! Yea! Ole Miss!) But I had no real idea that it had anything to do with football - except that I did think that tailgating and football might go together.  

And so...yea for GOOGLE!

Thanks to Google Images, I know now that I need to wear red and be dressed up a bit. Not a problem, I have red Bling. Now, will I look cutesy in that southern kind of way? Don't hold your breath! 

This I do know - Barbara (the mama) is going to throw a grad party like no other - because that is just what she does! All out! Memorable! Love it! I am equally sure that she will have southern fixin's that would make Roger OH SO HAPPY!  

He loved football and especially College football.  Did not care as much about the Pro's.  He knew about a whole lot of teams and only a very few people on the planet seemingly knew that he actually had a favorite team.  And wouldn't you know it, that it was his three girls that let that little secret slip out. Of course, we did not know it was a secret!  And it actually was not the team he liked, it was the coach and his life philosophy.    

Occasionally I would sit down and watch a game with him. It would not be long into the game when he would say "Could you stop asking questions so I can watch this game?" WHAT!  Oh - I asked the same ones the last game. Who knew?!   You get it or you don't I guess, but I enjoyed being in the room with him - and watching the halftime show. 

It should be fun at Zach's party. I can see it now. Everything decked out in Red and Blue.  (Roger's team is Red and Black) Mostly, I wonder how Barbara is going to get all of those Gator Fan members of the family to dress in anything but Blue and Orange!   

I can see it now. Roger would have on a red polo, his navy pants and his shiny black shoes.  I shall wear red with bling, probably black (only because I don't own navy) and comfy shoes of some sort. I will try to speak slowly and overly enunciate my words as I drawl them out. I'll have to add a few extra vowels as well.  I can hardly wait! 

Of course, if anyone talks football, I will not have a CLUE what they are talking about. But Roger would. I never know the score and I never know who is supposed to be the winner. My favorite color is who I cheer for. (Who wears teal? That's my team!) 

But the best part of the day will be family.  Roger's family, our family. He was uniquely blessed with some pretty sweet (pretty AND sweet) cousins ...first, second, third....  and the guys are pretty swell too!  

Roger's Lesson:  I have no idea on this one, but I know that he may be having a great time in Heaven, but he is going to miss out on one pretty great gathering today. And we will miss him too!  He would probably say that I should at the very least know who is playing.   OK. Ole Miss and someone else. 

But this day is about Zach, and his achievements and his goals, and his expectations for the future. God has all kinds of possibilities for him, as he does for each of us, graduating from high school all the way through graduating into Social Security. All you have to do is to be tuned in to Him and to be aware of those doors of opportunity in your path. (Yes, talking to self here - God has a plan - I need to  keep paying  attention)

Congratulations to Zach - and to the many young people who have crossed my path and are graduating this month - the future holds so much, just don't waste it by chasing things that do not matter in light of eternity.  Remember Your Creator in the Days of your youth......Eccl. 12:1

And check out the rest of that passage when you get a chance!

Now to figure out how to look all sweet and southern like these girls. 

Hmmmm. More my style.

Kristin can pull this one off! 





Go Rebels! 

History Repeats

John Harold 1944 

Proud to be an American. That was Roger, through and through. He was proud to have served in the Army - a medic attached to a Ranger battalion. He always made light of it if you could ever get him to talk about it, but I'm sure that even in his "youth" he took his assignment seriously. Heroes do that. They don't talk so much about the things they do. Find just about anyone who is in the military, and you'll likely find the same thing.

World War II Vets are like that. My dad served in the Navy, War in the Pacific.  He talked about Papau New Guinea and sitting on the bow of the ship a lot, but he would not talk about the "action" on more than a couple of occasions. I wish we had pushed for more information. Roger's dad was the same. He served in the Patton's Third Army in Europe, entering at Cherbourg after D-Day. I have discovered a bit more about his journey, but not because he talked about it too much.  Oh, to have even a day with each of them to find out more. Willingness to put your life on the line for someone you don't even know. That is more than admirable. Not as many Americans are cut out for it as they once were.

Matthew is like that. Roger loved to talk about Matthew and his dreams. He read books about the Navy Seals all the time. If Matthew was interesting in it, the he was interested as well. He knew what it was like to pursue a dream, and he also knew the danger. It is a hard thing to let the one you birthed head off into a life of great danger, great sacrifice. Today I am thinking a lot about my sister. This can not be an easy day. Pride in his accomplishments, yes...but the fear of the great unknown. Even more, the wonder about the decisions being made by those in charge, in recent years at least.  But, we know that God has Matthew in the palm of His hand.

It is such an interesting combination of emotions - pride, love, concern, joyfulnesss, tears, and even inklings of fear about the future. As intensely as I feel these things today, I know they are much more intense for Beth, Jim, Mary (the girl twin) and Sam.  And yes, Carie...young love is so hopeful and exciting and has such a great outlook for the future and this has to be scary as well.

Matthew has his PIR - Pass in Review - graduation ceremony this morning. The family is very excited for him and it is guaranteed that if Roger were here, he would be glued to the computer screen, even though he did not like computers. Live Streaming.  The moments are ticking by as I write - and I have his screen open in another window! Not to be missed!

Roger would be recalling this photo of my dad and talking about how much Matthew looked like him. I can't wait to see a photo of him in his navy whites, just like his grandpa. Roger would be recalling those stories of the War in the Pacific, San Diego, stuff he paid attention to and I clearly did not. He would be anticipating what Matthew's next step would be like. He would know a lot more than I do about the Navy, The Seals, the life and the dangers.

Today while I pray for the family of this young man who makes me so proud, I am also praying for those who lead this country. I am praying that they will turn their hearts toward God and follow His leading in their decision making. Some do. I know this. There are amazing Chaplains still around to lead these young men, no matter what the media has to say about wiping them out. I also know that God is more powerful than any power on earth, though He does allow us to go ahead and make our own stupid choices and suffer the awful consequences. Roger reminded me of that all the time.

Boy, I really miss him today. I have not cared about the news, the happenings in the world, the politics of America.....since Feb. 10.   I am sure all of that will come back one day, but right now, I don't care about anything that might upset me and that I can't get back into perspective without Roger.  I am finding that I loved politics because he did.

Roger's Lesson:  I know he would tell me to keep caring about the politics of this great nation - and that it was once greater than it is now - but that can change too. I know he would tell me to always pray for those making the decisions for our military and especially to keep praying for Matthew - well, that is a given, not needing a reminder.  I know that he would say that the great nations throughout history have trusted God to lead them. And I know that he would say to know history and not repeat the mistakes. Learn from what has happened in the past.

Now, it just makes me smile to think about sitting and talking about current politics, recent history, and his take on prophecy as related to all of this. I really miss it.

I hope someone takes a photo of Matthew today as he looks much like grandpa did!

Sam and Matthew
2013

Ralph and John (Harold)
1950

Matthew and Carie right after the ceremony!
Congratulations, Sailor!

Off The Curb

Navy is on my mind today. I'm not sure why, but I have been dreaming of ships, Navy ships. 

I think that God often uses that time between sleep and awake to prompt us to think of others who need special attention for one reason or another. Sometimes I have the most random thoughts, but it always seems to turn out that there was something going on that I did not know about, when extra prayers really do make a difference. 

People do that for me, I just know it. In a mysterious kind of way, I can feel it, and I feel it a lot lately. Maybe it is just that extra ability to focus when normally you would not. Maybe it is that extra umph you need to just keep going. Prayer is just that extra fuel in your tank, and so often, you can't put it there yourself.

So today I am thinking of my young Navy man, Matthew.  He reminds me a lot of my dad and I am looking forward to seeing him in his dress whites - and very soon, I expect. He has had this dream - this goal - and has held onto it for quite a number of years now. This is an interesting thing when kids are in high school, because they tend to dream but not always to stick with it long enough to reach their goal. They get into college and flitter and float all over the place, searching for a need to be grounded. 

Matthew is well grounded. Grounded in his faith, in his goals, in what he wants in life.  Often it scares me because I don't tend to have as much faith in the powers that be (governmentally speaking) as I once did. It is a remarkable thing to be willing to give your life for another. Most of us don't think in that direction. First Responders do. Our military and our Fire, Police, EMTs and others think that way too. They see the bigger picture and are willing to give their lives even when other people are just stupid or self centered. I don't get it. I don't like to see life ended senselessly. But, so much like Roger, Matthew sees the bigger picture and he is willing to step up to the plate.

Of course, he is a bit isolated at the moment, so it is not as easy to know what exactly is going on in his life, during all of this training. The most remarkable thing about prayer is that as I ask God to continue to watch over Matthew (which is actually, a silly request, because He is ALWAYS watching over His children) - it does not really matter that "I" know what he needs right now, because God does.  I pray that he stays healthy and safe. I pray that he learns those lessons that are so necessary in the military - following commands, acting quickly, staying focused, building a brotherhood where you each have the others' back - all of the stuff that Roger talked about so often. I also pray that Matthew's life will make an impact on those around him.  I pray that others will come to know Jesus because they see Jesus in him. And I pray for Matthew to be a part of a really strong and powerful military that is fervent in their belief in Christ as a supreme commander. He is the only one who really 'has their backs."

It is an interesting thought for morning because I have not watched TV news for more than a few seconds since Feb. 10.  It is me that is isolated from the world in that TV news sense.  I miss it, and I don't. It is not the same without Roger to give me his historical/biblical perspective on what is going on around us.   He knew that Matthew was going to have a tough job before him. While he would rather that he be safe, he also recognized a calling when he saw one. And he believed that Matthew felt he was called for this journey.

Roger made it 52 years in the fire service without ever being injured during a fire/rescue call. That is a remarkable statistic. Yet he died only a few blocks from home on a very ordinary day.  
I pray the same for Matthew  - that he has the career and calling he believes in, but that God will deliver him safely through it. And I pray that like Roger, he does not enter eternity until he has lived a good and long (though not long enough) life - on a very ordinary day, doing very ordinary things. 

Roger's Lesson:  They both had the same perspective about dangerous jobs. "You could die stepping off a curb and getting hit by a bus"  so you might as well do what God has called you to do.

Whatever you need today, Matthew, God knows better than I - but I will keep asking for his attention in your life. You are special - oh so special!   Love you and can't wait to see how handsome you are going to look in your new uniform!