Zero

April 20, 2015

Distracted. Yes. Almost two weeks of emotions going all over the place - oh my, that is so exhausting!

Perhaps thinking that it was a year ago (last week) that we were decorating the 5K course with red and blue ribbons - celebrating first responders and what they mean to us - and just realizing that a year went by so fast - and so incredibly slowly....it just took me down.

Being a  'mostly up' person, it is hard when I just get in a funk. I started feeling healthier and actually doing things that felt normal. "Spring Clean" - now that was exciting - especially since I was not the one on my knees with a scrubby pad!   I even put the pain pills away because I was not feeling it so much anymore. Somehow, I felt kind of invincible.

Of course, always recognizing that none of this was because of - "not the health nut me" - and only because of our specific prayers -mine, yours, ours - God gave me that exciting measure of really feeling good for a bit!  I even made it to the sunrise service on Easter. While it was not as sweet as Heaven, of course, but it was pretty close!

Life is like that, though, and I had forgotten. You work hard to get to 'the top of the mountain' and get a wonderful glimpse of the beauty of life around you. You breathe in deeply and it does not hurt tremendously and you realize that you don't ache all over - and you think the toughest part is over.

Wonderful, right? We rejoice, and praise God, and thank each other for love and support.

Doing things in your own power, or at least with part of your own power is just not the way to go - and yet, don't we all slip back into that mode every now and again?  I got busy more, and still less.  I went back to my project-driven self and forgot what a blessing the quietness and stillness had actually been. You can't really communicate with God when you are so darned busy. You can think about Him, but not really listen to Him.

Thankfully I have people around me who truly love me and are willing to risk telling me hard things, even when it has to be incredibly hard for them to say so.  "Mom, you were REALLY crabby this morning, what is going on?"      Thankfully, it took only days, and not weeks or month to take the risk and say that!

Thankfully, after caregiving for a couple of very difficult parents (not both mine), I determined in my heart to try to be a bit easier than that for my children. I determined to try my best not to dig my heels in the ground and just 'be me" and I hoped that they would not give into my 'demands' but actually make me desire to be reasonable.  And they are precious. They don't control me, but guide me in controlling myself.  (Have faith, mothers of teens!)

I am so abundantly blessed.  No one locked me in the house and said, 'we will be back when you are acting nicer.'   Talk it through - what is behind it. What is your story?

Most people have a story behind what is driving them to be a 'royal pain' anyway.

Mine?
I felt like a failure. Pure and simple, I got away from the pain meds and then I needed them again - and I let myself believe that it was because I was weak and had little faith.

And everything became larger than life after that.  The fluid level increased so I believed the cancer was on a roll and growing again.  The pain had increased and I believed that the bones were giving out.  The headaches were bad and it never occurred to me that I was just not sleeping well.  Little things like children being children almost put me over the top and I felt like I was itching from the inside out. And it was because I was scared that it was all coming back.

The doctors all told me it was mostly a mind game. Yes - and I do believe that when your mind is not fixed on God all the time, you can very easily crash and burn.   I have come to realize (time and again actually) that the key is in recognizing that we actually were never created to fight these really tough things in life under our own power.  God put something within us that makes us need Him - and He actually loves it when we call upon Him.     (Of course, I actually prefer to thank Him for what He means to me and for the blessings in this thing called life more than I care to ask Him to make me more comfortable - and yet sometimes, He does remind me that He is also the Great Physician and I am so glad of it!)

Truly, our days are numbered by the Lord. He says so. I believe it. He already gave me 16 years more than the doctors did- and I trusted Him then, and I trust Him now.  So silly to think negatively, right?

So, we thought we had the fluid game beat, and I was SOOOO joyful. Than it built up again. CRASH.   In reality, we do most likely have it licked on the right side.  Zero for four times in a row!    The left is still up and down but on a steady downhill path.  50-50-75-40....and today, ZERO.  But, I must remember that it is only a start and only a measuring tool.  It is not the total answer, but it is AN ANSWER. An answer to a lot of prayers offered by a lot of people, many whom I do not even know.     And it is the marker they seem to be using to decide 'chemo or no chemo' - oh, my, PRAISE THE LORD FOR ZERO!

Now to face my fears - that they will remove the cath and I won't be able to get rid of the fluid.  Is it like removing the training wheels?  Is it just another mind game?

Roger's Lesson: What are you fighting for? They told you to keep your focus on what you are fighting for and not to let your mind control you.   Keep your mind focused on God and in His Strength, you'll get through this.   Look at the people and things around you and appreciate them each day and you will have lived well.  Besides, you have a long time til 70.      (Yes, that is what he would have said! Three score and ten!)

My focus - to live each day with purpose and to keep up this earthly walk until I have fulfilled the purpose that God has for me here.    

And if I can do that and not let my project-oriented self wander all over the planet in order to avoid being still, then that will be a grand accomplishment!

After all, the words of my mother continually 'haunt' me .....
"Judi, be still, you always move too fast!"