To Do Lists

July 25, 2015

Is it really possible that it has been six weeks since I have posted? Six weeks with lots of changes, unexpected changes.

Thoughts have been swirling in my head every day. God still impresses me with thoughts pertaining to the most ordinary of things. He shows me how extraordinary the little things in life really are.

Writing? I don't know why I stopped. Somehow I think that I lost myself in the whirlwind of life. Somehow I started thinking that I 'needed to get things finished' - though there was no impending need to do so.
Somehow I just let myself get distracted whenever I sat down.

Tired-ness.  Oh there is a whole new level of tired-ness when they use the word 'fatigue.'

Actually, I thought that one was behind me for a while.

That changed on June 11.  X-Ray results.  Cancer on the vertebrae needed to be addressed. I have such a great Doctor ( Radiation Oncologist) - and he is not only patient, but he explains things so that the simple-minded can even understand. He uses visual imagery when he talks. I can see what he is saying and then I can understand.

Big trip planned to Nashville - so he made the treatments work. Actually, God delivered. There were exactly 15 days between my appointment and my departure flight and when things 'worked out' - I knew immediately that it was nothing but the Hand of God in action.

This round was not quite the breeze that I expected it to be. Fatigue - what a word.  Some days it felt like comatose meant more energy.   Ah, but he told me...'this too will pass.'   And it is.

In those early days, when I spent a bit too much time fretting about the 'new cancer' - God continued to give me times of calm and relaxation. He continually reminded me in the silliest of ways that He had not forgotten me and that He was still quite at work.  As I rested, and waited for my doctor to compare MRI results from both January and June, that peace that passes all understanding began to return.

But, in my head, there I went again - with the lists. Those things I 'needed to complete' before my departure.  Talk about voices in your head. Even when you think that you have this amazing power to overcome it, they still are so strong at times.  Maybe I just have too much of a need for order - and completion.

But the good news is that God once again provided me with good news. The cancer we were attacking in June was not 'new cancer.'  It was on the MRI in January and the radiologist (hospital) who wrote the report was not as thorough in his description as he could have been.

Boy, if ever there is a lesson here, I think it is called 'attention to detail.'  Isn't it amazing what the chain reaction can do when just one person is lax about one moment on their job.  All that stress.

And yet, even with the stress, growth occurs - as well as an ever greater realization that I can't do this alone and I can't even begin to project this path - and the twists and turns that might occur. I can't - but God can. And He was never fretting, never trying to figure it out, never resting on the job.

What a comfort!

So, six weeks later, I am almost out of the 'recovery' period of 'post radiation.'
I have been to Nashville - and back - without undue trauma.
I had a great week with the best young grandson this old gal could ever hope for.
Though I feel like the fluids are increasing, I am really working hard not to fret, for God is not surprised and He will just handle it - and prepare me as well, for what comes next.

In many little ways, He has shown me that I need to keep writing. I still don't know why. I feel much more comfortable with a paintbrush in my hand.

Roger's Lesson:  Sometimes God just gets you out of your comfort zone. Go with it. It might take you somewhere that you never expected. 

Yes - Six more weeks without Roger here with me. I don't think I will ever get used to it.

I'm thankful though that six months out, I am still fighting - but not because I can do it on my own, oh no - not at all! In January, we didn't have much idea that I would see summer. The heat is tough, but I am actually embracing summer.  I'm also pushing to enjoy fall - and winter - and then some more.

I have family and friends who don't let me give up - but they do remind me all the time to rest. Rest this old body - let it heal.  Always my challenge, I know.

When you are a do-et, resting seems such the impossible task.

And yet - with God, nothing is impossible.  Not even writing, even when you have no idea why you are doing it or why anyone would want to read it.

God is just remarkable like that. You never know what is coming next.
Now - rest, for Sunday is coming and there will be another great message from our Pastor - and more exciting than that....we are studying Revelation in Life Groups.    Hard to understand, to be sure, but I LOVE the end of the book.
It is what makes the challenges so worth the fight!