Bunny Ears

Plan ahead. I do that as often as I can. Lately I need the old fashioned calendar to keep me on task. My phone does not give me the 'big picture' and goodness knows, I need to see the big picture...almost daily. 

One of the first things I asked God, back on February 10, was to help me to see the big picture in all of this change that came so instantly into our lives. "Our" because our family is so close. We live close to one another, unlike so many families in this day and age. Roger and I always felt so blessed that our grown children actually liked being around us. It is really hard to be near your children and still resist the urge to parent them, but we always felt that ours happened (by the grace of God) to grow up practically perfect in every way, so we certainly have enjoyed the ride! 

I think everyone was a little bit afraid that this turn in our lives would make us drop certain things. Things like family dinners, or grandkids just hanging out. It is very very easy to just stay in my jammies each day and just stay home. It is very very easy to keep to myrself so I don't cry in front of others or have them show pity or think I am depressed. Too easy.  Roger would have hated it if we did that, and we have all made an effort to do this differently, if we can.

Roger was always "all about people" and this is very hard for me. Being task driven, I could easily tie my life up with one project after another, probably for years on end. I enjoy people, but I am also quite content in my own space. I'm not really sure how long that would last, or how good it would even be, but I could slip into it easily if not for good friends and family who keep me out and moving. 

One thing that is precious is grandchildren time. During this time of year, Jacob especially is so busy with school work and sports that I barely see him except on weekends. Today it rained, and it rained a lot. I was too busy to let my tears flow with those raindrops though. Emily and Jacob came to play!  And play we did!

Our creativity for the day played itself out with rice krispies. I love the way Emily explains the 'rules' for the project. Funny - creativity and rules. I prefer to call them plans.  FIRST, we think about what we want our creation to look like, once iced, THEN we plan out how to get there.  I think it is a rather good life lesson. If you don't know where you are going, then how do you know that you got there? 
Rules don't have to be evil or cumbersome. Plans actually give you creative freedom. 

Their art work was precious, and even had approval signatures. Has someone been watching a little too much of Cupcake Wars and Cake Boss? But, there was a plan! Listening to young people think out loud as they create has always been a fascinating thing to me. These two were no exception!  The little bunnies had nothing too much to do with the real reason we celebrate Easter, but kids like them, and the mold was a bunny....and besides, bunnies reproduce themselves amazingly fast, and isn't that what disciples are supposed to do? 

Roger would have enjoyed tonight's dessert when the kids presented their creations. Disney bakers have nothing on these two with their Krispy Kreations.  We ate ears, and cheeks, and paws. Yum.   Roger might have enjoyed it covered with chocolate, and we likely would have added it just for him, but he would have loved that they created something special for him. 

I miss that. I miss it a lot. We still have family meals, and lots of them, but they will never really be the same. What we do is talk and laugh and plan. We plan to live each day with laughter, even though we still feel the tears. We plan to live each day with people we love and doing things that are important. We know that there is a place for sadness, but we also know that it can overtake you and lead to deep depression.  And...

Our God is here to help us overcome even the deepest loss. And it takes being aware of this every moment of every day.

Roger's Lesson: He would say that "Laughter doeth good, like a medicine."    
or if straight from Scripture ...  
"A merry spirit doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones"  Proverbs 17:22   

Roger had anything but dry bones, and nothing in me tells me that he would want us to approach our new normal in any other way than with a merry spirit.  

Oh, it is hard sometimes, but the time will come when there are more ups than downs and more sunshine than rain. 

God promised. I believe. 

Time ~ A Vapor

Tuesday. Nine weeks ago. The pre-scheduled plan for that day was to go to the DMV and renew my driver's license.  Roger liked to plan ahead. Since February was the first possible time allowed for the renewal, February it would be.

 The last time my Driver's License was up for renewal, I was notified by the TSA officer at the airport. It had expired and I was headed to Nashville. Problematic, to be sure, but the nice gent gave me a reprimand and sent me on to my flight. I promptly renewed online when I got to Nashville.

This time they had to see me in person. Age, I suppose. That was right up Roger's alley anyway. He always believed in interfacing with a person rather than a computer.  But this time I had to do it all by myself. I kept putting it off, but May is rolling in quickly...and I like to travel, so renewing became a necessity.

We now have a lot of new rules for your government ID. (For legals anyway)

• Birth Certificate (certified version, not the one with footprints) or Passport. (√ Passport)
• Proof of Social Security Number (SS Card - nope, W-2 or paystub which require a job - nope, 1099 - you would think this would be easy, but everything showed up with Roger's name on it...finally, one small bank account for travel for me....good save on that one!)
• Proof of address (again, practically every item was in Roger's name or listed the PO Box since we have been here for decades before we ever were allowed a mailbox with a street address - who knew? Finally I found an insurance bill in my name. Whew!)
• And pass the eye test
• And say you are not mentally or physically incapable, don't have seizures or diabetic. And don't think about lying! 

Actually, some of the questions make one wonder how there are so many vehicles on the road! Somebody is lying out there!  And this is if you are a legal resident of Florida. 

They did not ask about my political persuasions but did ask if I vote. I told them that I had never missed an election and there was one on Tuesday. (She was surprised!)

Roger would have quite enjoyed this conversation. 

He would also have inquired about her political persuasions. 

While I once found that a little annoying at times, I miss it now. 

Roger's name has systematically been eliminated from almost every written document in my life...except bills. I can hardly stand it. I know those will eventually change too, but now I understand why daddy never took my mother's name off of something even as simple as his checking account. He could not stand to have her erased. 

As I was driving home from the DMV today, my mind reviewing the recent happenings, I was reminded of the Challenger explosion. Roger reminded me when he returned home from Africa (Senegal, I think) that life is like a vapor....he generally referred problematic things back to Scripture.

"Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away."
James 4: 14      for 4 / 2014   hmmmm

Years and years ago, back in high school, I had the idea that if you were just here and then gone, then what did anything matter. I grew up in the time of the Cuban Missile Crisis....and in Florida, we kind of expected to just poof and be gone for a while there.  But as I paid more attention to Scripture, and had a real 'come to Jesus' meeting and formed a relationship with Him, the verse came to mean more to me. 

When I married a firefighter who not only would fight fires, but could be involved in really big explosion type fires, that verse became even more meaningful to me, as it always seemed to for him.  He called it food for thought. Like, if you are only here for a bit, what are you going to do with it?

Are you going to party and waste time on meaningless things? Are you going to work yourself to death, and for what?  Are you going to invest in something or more realistically someone, who has value for eternity?  He picked the eternity route. No doubt about it now, he did that. 

These days I keep seeing posts on 'end of the world' stuff, survivalist stuff, political fearsome stuff.  None of it bothers me much anymore. Mankind has been waiting for the end of the world, and even more, the return of Christ, since the day He was crucified and buried. Mankind has been watching since the day He rose again and ascended into Heaven.  He's coming. I know it. But I know better than to just sit around and wait.  He gave us life here. Life to be lived. But living, isn't real life without Him in it. It is all about that relationship.  Being present is not living. Working is not living. Only life with Christ in it is real living.  And it is only for a season, and we don't know when our personal season will end. 

Sure, there is work to be done, paperwork to be dealt with, lives to re-adjust to a new normal. But none of that is real living.  Roger's Lesson: For sure, he would be glad that I finished the trip to the DMV. He would say to get the paperwork done fast and get on with the living...but to be sure it is real living. 

James 4:14

April 2014

Perfect message for such a time as this. 

His name may be erased, but his memory, never. The people he touched, never.  

It won't be erased any more than the memory of this vapor - a moment in time - will leave our memories. 

REVAS

I've heard it for 41 years. REVAS. When there is an emergency ~ REVAS.

Thank goodness emergencies did not find their way to me, unless there was someone more useful than me also on deck.

Sean and Mary flew in on Thursday. It was great to see them. Sean looked a little tired after a very hard workout on Wednesday, but was quite the sport when I dragged them to JoAnn's, PeiWei, Karin's, and Aldi.  Of course, by the time we were headed home we had a feeling that there was something more going on than sore muscles. Hmm...what to do, what to do?

R-Rescue. I could do that. Water maybe? Aleve! Yes!
E-Evacuate. I guess we got him to get out of the car.
V-Ventilate. Hmm...well, he was breathing, so we skipped that one
A-Attack. Really?
S-Salvage. He was still in one piece.

I'm kind of thinking that REVAS did not quite apply in this situation, meaning of course...this was not a real emergency! Whew! 

By dinner-time, Sean had quite the fever, so Doc Mary and Doc Judi re-evaluated the situation. We packed him in the car and made a trip to the Minute Clinic. It was probably the flu, we determined. Open til 8, we soon found that in order to be seen by the PA ("PA NOT DOCTOR" emphatically, they stated) ~ You had to be signed in by 7:30. Well bummers, we arrived 30 seconds late for that. Who knew? Rude PA too...cancel that CVS option for the future!

Off to the Doc in a Box - well, that is what Roger called the little Orlando Health clinic that is not quite an emergency room.  Someone saw him there, but since it was time for them to go home, they wanted him to go to the ER for bloodwork. Great! At least they ruled out flu. 

He hobbled back to the car and covered up in a blanket and off his two amazing docs went to the ER...evaluating all the way. This is not flu. 101 is not that much fever. Chills can be cured with a blanket. He did not eat much. He did not drink much today. What if we make him drink a bunch of gatorade instead of sticking him with an IV?  We came to the conclusion that if there was no wait at the ER (possible on a Thursday night?) ~ then we would stay. If there was a wait, we would go home and make an appointment at a Centra Care.  Fine Docs, we felt! 

Driving to the ER was one of those things where I knew I had to keep moving forward and yet I really did not want to go there. The last time I was at the ER, things did not turn out so well for the patient. I did not really want to tell that to Sean, but I thought it. Maybe the wait would be really long and we would not stay.  I am really not cut out for this medical stuff. 

Mary jumped out of the car and came back to report a three and a half hour wait. Full room. Lots of sickness. ICK.   As we had planned, we headed home. Sean was in and out but I am not quite sure that he thought we had his best interests in mind. How do these medical people know what to do? Do they just say ER because someone else has to make the decision that way? Do they just pass the buck?   We made a phone appointment for morning and a plan to wake him every 4 hours for a new dose of Tylenol SEVERE flu. And lots of Gatorade. That should do it! 

By morning, Sean's fever had broken, a shower woke him up, and he was only moderately stumbling over his feet. Did we give him too much Tylenol Flu? At least his "docs' could still laugh! Oatmeal Brûlée offered improvement, as did another nap or two.

By evening he was in good shape...good thing too, because I had told practically everyone that he was here to run for Roger and come in first!  I am absolutely positive that our fine doctoring skills, plus the much needed rest for his achilles was all that was needed for him to run a 16:07 race on Saturday morning and place very very far in front of racer #2. 

Roger's Lesson: No doubt it would be that I need to pay attention to the Acronymns and use the right ones for the right situation. REVAS is for things like building fires. 

Oh well....this is either your calling ....or not.  Clearly it is not mine, so anyone sick would help themselves out if they hung out around someone else. But I do know my Acronymn. (One anyway).

And major thanks to our Great Physician. He had it all under control and knew this 24 hour bug would pass. 

Soul Portal

What a week! It was busy, it was exhausting, it was fun. Blogging seemed to take a back seat all week, but there was barely a moment when Roger was not on my mind. 

This was prep week for the annual Windermere Run Among the Lakes 5K. It was one of the highlights of his year (as I probably mentioned previously.)  I was always thinking of banners, and flags, and music ~ which of course, he found to be nonsense. He focused on coffee, donuts, tables - and a trash can - and chairs for friends. His focus was on getting to talk to the racers. Mine was on making sure the ambiance was right.  Crazy, right?

Prep week was fun though. The weather was beautiful all week, which can be rare in April...all this cool weather. The 80% off flowers perked up and even flowered by race day! The peace lily (gifts to the family during funeral week) were finally starting to become happy in their newly planted locations and were blooming. Enough pruning was done on the trees, that we even had some breeze and sunlight. Whee! And the new, red, adirondack chairs just added the pop of color that was much needed. On race day we even added a big red ribbon to the massive camphor tree in the front yard. (more on that later!)

On Thursday morning Sean and Mary arrived. We were so happy to see them. I'm sure they were happy to have such great weather here, since they had spent so much of the winter confined to their little newlywed loft in Virginia. Brrr. I can not even imagine being so cold for so long!

After a walk up to school and back, the girls met me at the appointed place on the sidewalk. It was the 10th, so we had a date with chalk. Jacob arrived shortly thereafter and joined us in leaving messages at Roger's portal. As silly as it might sound, we call it his "portal to Heaven.'  Some days I would like to just stand right there and say "beam me up, Scotty."  I know, though, that God had a plan and has a plan and that He has numbered my days just like he did Roger's. 

I have also made it a point to allow this to become a place of peace and solice rather than a place of sadness and sorrow. Somehow in the past two months, I have tried to daily focus on the positives rather than the loss. (Boy, that is not an easy thing some days either) God has shown me time and again that the sun will continue to shine and that you only really get to know His warmth and the depth of His love when you experience tears and sorrow. How people get through loss without Him, I just can not imagine.

Yes, this spot has become a special one. For the first time, Emily chalked sunshine. Jacob does not generally get to chalk after school (Sports schedule) but he chalked Ro-Ro's favorite food ...donuts....he was a firefighter after all and donuts go with the job! 

We chalk in a place where Roger took his last steps on this earth. It is a place where he took his last breath, but he did not take it alone. He had a neighbor/friend at his side. She called for help. The mystery person who arrived on the scene immediately, we call our angel. The off duty detective who saw a need and stopped was another blessing, as was our own Windermere Officer who arrived almost immediately. Ocoee's Engine 39 and crew never gave up, and the staff at the hospital refused to believe there was no hope.  In fact, they were right. There was always hope, and there still is hope. 
If you make the wise decisions while you walk this earth, the main one being where you will spend eternity, then you never give up the hope. Even when you take your last breath, there is hope, because  that hope is in Heaven, for eternity. Eternity with Jesus.  

And when you think about it, nothing could be better. Even life on this earth - for it is only part of the eternal journey. 

Roger's Lesson:  Oh, I am pretty sure that it is that we are eternal beings. We don't have a soul...we ARE a soul.  And don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. 

Now he has me wondering where my portal will be. 

Race Day

Our Heroes

It is race day. After Christmas, Easter, and family birthdays, this was probably Roger's favorite day of the year. He has not missed a race since the day they started the Windermere 5K. 
Though he did his run through town almost daily when he was not on shift, he never signed up to run the race. He had a self appointed job. Greeter/Cheerleader.  
It is not even daylight yet and he would already have been up for a couple of hours. Last night we had to figure out what we needed for race day, because he always did this. 
Chairs, table, beverages, donuts....I can't figure out how to get the coffee to the front yard, especially since we now have a two cup coffee pot.

We have donuts a-plenty though, due to a very generous donation from Dunkin' to Dunkin' 

Donuts...I don't think most runners eat them, but Roger surely had fun offering them up as he encouraged and cheered and talked to almost everyone who came by his little corner of the world. 

If he had been running, his area of people he could talk to would have been...maybe 6.  Ah, but on the corner...up to 1000!  Yes, his gift was people.

This year the committed decided to honor hometown first responders. We have some great ones out here. We have EMTs, Police Officers, Firefighters, Doctors and Nurses.  I often wonder if we take the time very often to thank those who would be the first to respond to a call for help.  We do it when we call them, or right after. We think to thank our military when we see them in uniform. Most first responders are just everyday people. You might not even recognize them if they were not on duty. They will always answer the call for help, and more than that, their eyes are always on the road - they often see the need before we call for help.

That happened in Roger's life and now it all connects. He did not run, because from his position, he could check on each and every runner as they neared the finish line. He was doing more than visiting and cheering. He was keeping watch for a potential need.  

Today we are honoring both Officer German, who left this earthly life while on duty, just checking up on someone who might need help.  We honor Roger for 52 years of service as a first responder, who kept an eye on people in his little town and answered the call more than once in the 35 years we have lived here. 

Both are greatly missed, but their eternal joy can't even compare to the joy we experience on race day. I expect that would be Roger's Lesson. He keeps showing me the same thing over and over.
Plan for tomorrow, live as if this day will be your last on your earthly journey to eternity.

We will do our best to watch for potential emergencies....but boy, we are not good at it!

Happy Race Day

More than Mayonnaise

Love makes all things better.

It's a special day. Jim has a birthday! We love celebrations in our home and today we get to celebrate a wonderful and special part of our family. 

We met Jim under unusual, even tragic circumstances. Roger noticed almost immediately that Jim had a calmness and sureness about him, even in the midst of unbelievable stress and changing circumstances. 

When the hurricanes of 2004 blew through, he lent a hand, even though his plate was already more than full.  A man with a servant's heart recognizes a man with a servant's heart. Roger always saw that in Jim.

It is no wonder that Kristin fell in love with him. He is kind, gentle, wise and though we don't always agree in the political/social arena, he probably knows deep down that we are right.  Jim keeps me laughing and he has a way of making me feel calm and secure when my world is spinning out of control.

And he knows when to take control and handle things because they just need to be done. And he works so well with people. Any people. All people.  Remarkable.  

In a time when it is such a great loss to be without Roger, I find myself so thankful every day to have such a wonderful soninlove ...and more than that, to have him so nearby. (Ha! hopefully he feels the same, and hopefully I am not too high maintenance!)  I know he married a wonderful gal, but I also know that she married someone with so many of the qualities of her daddy. That makes me especially happy. 

Roger's Lessson: Oh, he would say, 'oh please' and so would Jim. He would not like all this gushing.  But I know he would say to look for really important qualities in a mate. Don't get hooked on superficial things because they won't carry you the distance. And remember too, that God has that perfect mate out there for each of us, so do your homework and let Him guide that decision. It is a really important one. Actually, it is second only to your decision about where you will spend eternity. 

In Roger's world, Jim would be Kristin's mayonnaise to her...almost any kind of food.  You know...mayonnaise....that creamy stuff that he thought made anything more wonderful. 

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIM.  Get ready for Juci's version of Ro-Ro's stew....it will be like no other! I love you more than Roger loved mayonnaise! 

Not A Movie

Un-fried green tomatoes

Webster. One of Roger's favorite words. This time it is not about Dan, however. It is about a little town with a really great market. 

It has always been fun to take a Monday morning ride out to the Webster Flea Market with the girls. We talk and laugh and just have a great time, topping it off with lunch, straight from the gardens. Before we head home, we stop at the veggie stands. Oh my goodness....the farms in the area produce the most amazing products! 

Roger always loved my Webster Market excursions. He loved them because it meant that dinner would consist of some pretty amazing produce!

He particularly liked green tomatoes. In a pinch, he would even eat those pickled whole ones that come in a jar. ICK. Though I never thought I was very good at cooking them, I would make fried green tomatoes whenever I came home from Webster. He called it a treat! I called it...'well, who would want to eat that?'

It is really hard to cook something well if you are not willing to eat it. But if my fried green tomatoes were terrible, he never told me so. (Good plan!) 

It seems like every day something happens that makes me miss Roger so very much. Sometimes I wonder how I will ever get used to life without him when he seems to be absolutely everywhere.   
Just unpacking the treasures and prepping them for storage made me feel like he was sitting in the kitchen with me. It was a warm and happy feeling. 

Then the little alarm on my phone reminded me of the time. "Man down-Roger"   Oh no...I want to take that off my phone and yet I can't seem to. It is Monday again. This is my 8th Monday without him.  It seems like yesterday and it seems like forever and it seems like I am still in an other-worldly time warp.  I have green tomatoes for frying, and yet no one to fry them for. 

Roger's Lesson in all of this might be to embrace the simple things. Who would have thought that green tomatoes would bring up such warm memories? It is the ransom, little things in life.  Those are the blessings that God gives us if we only allow it. It is also the little things that create warm memories if we stop to embrace them. I hope he knew how much I enjoyed preparing foods that he loved, even if I did not know if they tasted good or not.   I love that he loved the simple things. 

Fried Green Tomatoes. 

And it's not about a movie.