Shake It Off

Cuddle Me! 

Bath-time is not always on Saturday night. Sometimes it comes when you have just been out in the dirt too long. Kellen is becoming used to yard work. Of course, he is more than comfortable on his towel or blanket just as long as he can at least hear the sounds of yard work from a comfortable distance. How in the world a blind pup knows what is going on is beyond me, but this is one smart pup. 

Kellen is a little white toy poodle. He is blind,  and a little big snugly toothed, and has a yelp that is something like nails across a chalk board, but he is precious. He is Karin's rescue pup and he adores her.  He mostly loves to cuddle and sleep and definitely does not like rain. (I think he could 'hold it' forever if the rain lasted that long!)

For someone who DOES NOT like dogs in my house, I think that I have become not only tolerant, but quite gracious to have this pup on the underside of my roof for some time now. Whomever trained this pup, did an amazing job of it though, and this is the reason he can stay. They also trained him very well when he needs a bath, for it is not only possible, but easy to handle it in a few quick steps...in the kitchen sink. Yea for little pups, and yea more for little pups who are calm and don't shake water all over my kitchen!  

Kellen is missing something with his bath time now. Yes, he has to find his 'new normal' just like we do. At bath time, Kellen is used to having himself lathered up, then rinsed with warm water, then wrapped in a fluffy towel, straight from the dryer. Oh, there is more.  And then, all bundled up and snuggly, he is used to being held by Roger ... oh and talked too ...'good boy'....while all of the wetness gets soaked up by that warm fluffy towel. 

New normal.  Lather, rise, bundled in a towel (not warm), held only until determined to be dry enough, on the floor, shake a little, do some kind of funny little dog dry off, go back to sleep. 

Don't call me Dr. Doo-little.  

We always got such a kick out of watching Roger walk this little doggie.  Big, tall, firefighter....in the shiny black shoes....tiny, white, toy poodle...on a leash.  I guess you just had to see it. It was all in the way he held the leash! 

It is good to have a memory that makes you laugh...and love. 

Does Roger have a Lesson in this? Oh, probably.  I bet it is something as simple as..."dogs need people too."   In almost 41 years of marriage, we never had a dog of our own. Many reasons, but mostly selfish on my part. But watching Roger with this pup, you would never know that he did not have pups every day of his life. There was just something intuitive there. 

He was a really good 'people' for this little doggie. Kellen had it really great...while it lasted. 

Chalk Dust

Springtime Chalking

Madonnari. (mah-DOH-nah-ree)   It is an Italian word that means street-painter. Or our our case, sidewalk painter. And in this case, not with paint, but with chalk pastels. This art form captivated my attention when it was first brought to Orlando back in 1995. Little did I know that this little weekend activity would be something I would still enjoy almost 20 years later!

While Roger did not much enjoy the crowds, (always on duty, remember!) he always enjoyed watching the middle and high school students that I took to festivals. And he particularly liked walking around and picking the pieces that he thought should win.

Sometimes he picked the funniest pieces and we had great laughs over his ability as an art critic. The funny thing was...he was often right!  I guess he knew what had audience appeal and technique did not matter so much to him. At any rate, he always encouraged me to keep on chalking and even toted my supplies more times than I can even count.

Though I never really chalked in the springtime very often - too many school activities kept me busy - but retirement gave me the time, so I started enjoying the springtime weather and an excuse for staying on my knees all day.  In an effort to bring some sense of normalcy back into my life,  it seemed like a good time to participate again this year.

Picking a subject is always a challenge for me. Oh...the need to simplify and eliminate so many options is always exhausting! Simplification has never been my middle name.  It occurred to me somewhere along the line that a friend had mentioned that she worked through a them in her chalking...ah, simplification! That seemed like a suggestion that I could attach myself to!

So, naturally, I picked firefighters.  Last week, the fire bell.  This week was tougher because the event asked us to follow a theme....flowers and gardens.  My first instinct was to do an old fire engine retired in a field of wildflowers.  But wait....simplifiy....this was a one day festival!   For whatever reason, I came up with the dalmatian having fun in the garden.  How perfect, actually.

Dalmatians are fire dogs. Every firehouse has one, right?  And dogs are a perfect fit in a garden! Cute, playful, enjoys life, they don''t take too much too seriously. Loveable. Faithful. Dalmatians are also smart and brave. So, with sketch in hand, off I went to Winter Garden.  Beautiful morning. Dry but clear weather! Nice clean surface, with no cracks. Supplies laid out, knee pads down, Aleve digesting...and off we go!  (well, not we as in plural, but we as in I)

Chalking is really where I can find my 'happy place." When no one is talking to me, I can just zone out, get in my right brain, and just forget about the world around me. And other than stopping every now and then for a stretch and visit break, zone out I did!   

Though it leaves me sore at the end of the day, it also leaves me with a clear head. I had plenty of time, and fresh air, and it was healing think of all of the fun times with Roger. I also thought of all of the times when he toted stuff around for me and watched me 'do art' in its many forms.  He always supported my creativity...well, as long as it did not eliminate meal time, or family time. There was always that line!  It is good to have someone to keep you focused and balanced. He did that a lot.

Karin came by and kept me 'on task' and I managed to finish, not by my own self imposed deadline, but earlier than the dictated deadline. Yea!  The title came from my day. Spring (season) in the Garden (the town, Winter Garden) with Ro-Ro.   Because it was not really about the dog. 

And since there is a lesson in everything,  suspect that Roger's Lesson would be:  Keep doing the things that give you balance.   They will bring normalcy back to your very abnormal sense of being right now. And that is ok.  We both watched parents stay stuck  in a rut for 20 years each. We both committed not to do that ourselves.  I certainly will not forget, but I will do as we planned together and always seek that balance. And creativity does do that for me.

After all...."In the beginning, God created...."

I wonder if chalk will stick to those golden streets in Heaven....

Just Too Much

A different 13

So many thoughts swirled in my head throughout the night and into the morning. Yesterday was exciting, sad, interesting, humbling. Roger worked with some great people and in a great place. I had so many thoughts and yet could not seem to complete a solid thought. Emotion. Too much emotion. 

Today, such a heaviness on my chest...is it that proverbial elephant that is supposed to prompt you to call 911?  Is it the concern for my sweet Aunt who has not yet awakened from surgery two days ago? Is it all of the thoughts and emotions still swirling from yesterday? Is it because it is Jacob's 13th birthday? Does a part of me wonder if I will see these precious children grow up? Roger didn't. 

This is one of those days where I absolutely know that God is in control and that he plans and orders every day and step of His children's lives, and yet I am just so very desperately sad today.  I need to shake this off.  Jacob's emotions and compassion ride at the surface, and he surely does not need mine on his special day.  

Roger absolutely loved birthdays. He never liked surprises, but he did like celebrating for others. For his birthday, he would plan the dinner or the restaurant and insist on paying. No matter what. Over the years, the girls just let it be. There were bigger battles to fight, right? It was more important for him to be happy. Flexible he was not, but generous, yes! 

We always have birthday dinners together, even if not on the exact date, but always within the near vicinity of the date. With a firefighters shift schedule, you NEVER plan for a holiday celebration to actually be ON the holiday. One of our big concerns back in February was "what will happen with celebrations?"  I think it is so special that everyone wanted them to continue. Of course it will be different, and perhaps I am not quite ready for different just yet. I just want him to be here.  Jacob is 13...these are the years when they would have had more fun than ever. I can just imagine Roger trying to teach Jacob to drive! He taught me to drive a stick shift...in a Corvette, no less....oh that was memorable! He probably would have bought a Corvette just so he could teach Jacob to drive one!  

Thirteen....that is just to young to be without your grandpa...RoRo.  So today is my day of totally not understanding all of this. It is my day of being just a bit mad at all of this.  It is my day for wanting to pour out so many tears and then trying to fix up so I don't have puffy eyes and a Rudolph nose.  I don't really want my days to be like this...and mostly they have not been. But every day is not Jacob's 13th birthday.  I think this is all just too much to handle and part of me just wants to bury my head in the sand. But, I have a birthday boy and I love him too much to just run away. 

A party we can do. I can do events, celebrations, parties. I can do that alone, though I don't really like to. But the doing of the party is nothing at all like the 'being with' everyone for the party. And every person has their special place. And it is just so very different when they are not here. 

It is different when a child is off at college, or living across the country due to a new job. It is different when one is off on a military assignment. Most of the time you can talk or text or FaceTime or Skype with them.   This is a whole new level of different.  

I keep wondering what Roger could be wanting me to learn through all of this. (Of course, I say Roger....but he is the tool...it is really God teaching me what I need to know)  Part of me just does not want to learn anything today. I just want to go back to February 9.  And yet...that's not going to happen and I know it. 

So what is it?  What will take away this intense aching, these unstoppable tears? 
I guess he would tell me that time will do it. I hope he would be so happy that he is so intensely missed..and not just by me, but very intensely by me.  

I imagine that he would tell me that our little parties and celebrations here are only a tiny glimpse of what he is now experiencing in Heaven.  Only he has no tears.  So, he would tell me to keep on celebrating, and do it well. He would tell us to make it work for us, even if that means changing it up a bit.  

So tonight, I guess we will just have to change it up a bit. This time, just a little bit. Perhaps we will grow some more before the next birthday rolls around. Oh, great....that would be mine.  One month. I have one month. 

OK Roger...no tears for Jacob. We will eat your favorite pizza and enjoy watching him open the gift you would have picked for him. But we are all going to remain very sad that he is entering his long awaited teen years without you.  It's just not the same. 

One More Task

One Hour. That's all I ever got in a single session. One hour. Before a run or after a run but never after a shower. Actually, I figured out my man pretty well over the years, well, at least in respect to yard work.

We have a huge limb sitting beside the driveway. He would have chopped it up and put it by the street, saving the best of the oak for firewood, of course. See, God dropped that one to the ground, so he would have moved it.

Karin stepped in, figured it out, and did a great Well...except for applying the chain saw to the limb, so it is still a really long limb. (I was out  chalking when it fell...hoo-ray!)   

April in Florida is generally pretty nice. We get coolness in the morning and again in the evening along with more daylight on the evening end of things. And not many skeeters. Perfect for yard pruning time. Karin even caught the bug and offered to assist me this weekend. Check out her gloves on the ground! I found out some really fun things in the process. 

She can wear the gloves, but is not wild about raking out the flower beds. Potential critters.  
She can rake the leaves into a can, and was a quick learner when I taught the 'work smarter, not harder" method. And she did not mind dragging the cans away....YEA! 

She was not a fan of power tools (just like her dad) although I was not much of a fan of putting a hedge trimmer in the hands who not only had no idea how to use one, but likely did not understand the concept of pruning neatly either. But she raked up the scraps and took them to the street! SCORE! 

And then, since she had figured out the pruners (clippers) when she dis-assembled that very large limb, I brought out the MEGA TOOL! Now, I was going to just go after small branches and have her move them out, but this tool captured her imagination like I have never seen before! "What is that thing?" "You did not tell me you had a really cool tool!" "Let me try that!"  TREE PRUNER!  If she could have reached all the way up into that giant old camphor tree, she would have had lots of sunshine on my yard! YOU GO GIRL! She did some serious pruning! And I LOVED IT! 

Now, I did not often let Roger use my favorite tools because he had a habit of 'TORK-ing' them ...twisting off the handles or blades ...  I was never sure if he did it because he did not understand the tool (mind you, he could get a shuttle off the pad) or if he just liked to have them out of commission.   Of course, being the gentle spirit that I am, I just told him that I liked to use them best and he picked up the cut branches.....if it could be done within the allotted one hour period. 

He actually would have had a lot of fun watching us work, but he would have had more fun if we had  just left the leaves on the trees and hopped in the swing with him. It is so hard to have his spot in the swing empty. We can't seem to sit in his spot. We can sit close, but not IN his spot. A red bow marks his spot. But we do have so many happy memories of times in our front yard swing. I have to bring my mind back to the positive! 

Karin hung in with me until the bitter end though. She gave me more than one hour, and we actually only quit because the Magnolia tree got the best of us.  Roger would have told us that the hour was up anyway. 

I learned to plan my outdoor pruning adventures and to get the most out of my one hour of Roger-service. Now I have to figure out another way to accomplish this, because I do not like dragging stuff to the street. It sticks me. Hopefully Karin and I will have more fun times in the yard.  It was so much fun to see how very much she is like her daddy. 

Of course, if we have an emergency, we might be in trouble. She did tell me to keep my phone in my pocket in case I fall and need to call 911.  Oh boy! Roger either did not train us up to rescue people or if he did, we failed tremendously! 

After lots of laughter and a very nicely trimmed front yard, I wondered what Roger's Lesson might have been this weekend. It was probably something like this:  "When it comes to yard work, do only what is absolutely necessary because God will take care of His creation." 

Yes, he would rather sit in the swing and visit with neighbors and I will also do my very best to stop and chat a while when someone strolls by. When it came to nature vs people, he always chose people. 

But I will keep my tools sharp....just in case I get the urge to prune. 
It really is a challenge to be a people person when your nature is task driven. A real challenge ~ and yet I know there are people all around me willing to help me gravitate toward people. 

The tasks will always come back, but the people eventually leave. And while it is joyful for them if their eternal destination is Heaven, it surely is sad for me.

There was no Need to Learn

Screw on the cap thingy THEN close the door! 

I have been learning a lot of new things lately. How to change a roll of TP. How to change a light bulb. When to take the recycle to the street. Where the yard trash goes at the curb.  The layout of Publix.   These things seem simple enough but I just never had a need to know about them. 

It's amazing the number of little ordinary things that Roger did for me every day. I am almost positive that I never said thank you often enough. 

Sunday after church is when you fill up the gas tank. WHEN did it start costing $67 to fill up a gas tank? I thought the pump was broken! And these new cars have a little rubber band that holds onto the gas cap...no way to leave it on top of the car.  I did find that you have to screw it back on before you close the gas tank door though.  Remarkable, the new gadgets we have these days! 

I have been to Publix exactly twice since February 10. Overwhelming. I am just going to be creative and use what I have until the cupboards are bare. That place requires far too much decision making! Stuff tries to jump into your cart from everywhere, and I am sure the place is chemical and preservative laden. Maybe Roger went to the store almost every day so he did not have to make so many decisions. I rather doubt that though. I am pretty sure it was his 'meet the people' break. If there was yard work to be done....Publix called! 

All these little things that I now have to do for myself just make me miss him all the more. The little things that take place day after day, month after month, for almost 41 years....they seem like just the normal stuff of life. They are so much more though. They really are expressions of love.  How often we take it for granted though. That makes me sad. It makes me sad because I just know that I did not say thank you often enough.  I'm sure though, that I did things that made him happy too, things that showed my love...maybe we just knew it and did not have to say it.

Life's too short though. So say it. 
Roger's Lesson:  Oh, it is probably to show your love.  
He was not that much of a talker...well, unless it was about the Bible or politics....and seasonally, football. (Thank you to all of you friends out there who talked sports with him....because I was a lost cause on that one!) 

Sooner or later I will get it.....one by one, each light will burn out. One by one, I will tackle each job and learn how to do it. But, oh....how I don't want too. 

Show your love to someone today, and if necessary, tell them you are showing love. 

Get that Olive!

Send it this way! 

For a salad lacking too much nutritional value, an Olive Garden salad is pretty yummy. I like everything in it except for too much dressing, those pepper things, and black olives.  

Of course, being such a perfect pair, Roger balanced that out. He could live without the lettuce, though he would eat it. He loved the onions, pepper things, and above all, the black olives.  It is a good thing we typically had more than one salad at our table on Sunday afternoons. It was also a really nice thing that most of us did not care for black olives.

It made Roger's day to get the black olive! I never saw anyone so excited over one of those things! It still makes me laugh. Typically I could dish out salads for both of us and never let one of the things touch my bowl. I had this ability to fish it out and get it on his plate before it could ever even touch mine. Why, yesterday, I even thought I still had the talent, because I fished around that pepper thing and left it in the big bowl.

But what do you know...at the end of my bowl, there it was, staring up at me, a black olive!  How did it slip in? It reminded me that Roger was there with us at lunch. He is not forgotten. We still have laughter and we still make plans...he would want it that way. 

That crazy little olive reminded me of Roger's Lesson.  Keep living.  Live well and laugh a lot while you are here, and do something really worthwhile with your time. The time for rest is later and eternity is a long long time.  I know it will be grand and I know he is enjoying it quite well.  But he is still very much missed. 

I guess that every time I see a black olive, I will just laugh and remember that he would want me to live well and invest in worthwhile endeavors. Friends are sooooooo worthwhile.  I am glad we have friends who laugh! And I am really glad that some of them will take care of the black olives! 

A Little Chalk

Four Fives

On my knees. That's what it takes to place an image on the sidewalk, or in this case, parking lot.  

Saturday was the Uptown Altamonte Art show and the theme was art and music. While I can't say that this fire bell was music to my ears, hearing a fire bell most likely could be considered music to Roger's ears. Even though these days, it is likely a digital tone, back in the day, the actual fire bell meant that someone needed help and there was a team on the way to help them. It was an alarm for everyone to get out of the way. 

The fire bell is still symbolic in the fire service and is used as part of the honor ceremonies at the funerals of firefighters. Though they use tones today, back in the day they used a series of bell rings to  send messages. Four Fives.   A series of Four.  Five rings each.   You are supposed to answer the call on the first ring of the bell, right?  Again...what? No answer.  Again.   #4 Final Call.  
This was so hard to take. It was profound. Memorable. Chilling even. It was the first time Roger had ever failed to answer the call. I think this will forever stay in my mind and heart.

We always felt like Roger was always 'on duty' even if he was not at KSC. How many times we were headed to or from an activity when he pulled over to assist until the on duty  first responders showed up. How many times we were at events when someone needed attention - and even if they thought they were fine, Roger was there, checking them out.  He was always calm, and had a calming effect on everyone around the situation. He always stepped in to take charge until the 'official' first responders were on the scene. 

It is interesting actually that in our home, we never had a broken bone. Never needed an ambulance. Not until February 10 at least. And then, he had already answered the call...the call to come home. 
This time, it was Jesus who called. 

I am forever grateful for the way the KSC and Orlando Fire Departments honored Roger. Wow, so unexpected. Certainly something I never expected to face. It still makes me so very sad that he is not with us every single day, and yet, I am also so grateful for the time we had together and that it was filled with more laughter than tears. In so many ways, he is still with us though and I know that faith in someone so much greater than ourselves is getting us through. God has a plan far greater than ours. He has an eternal lifetime for us to enjoy. 

Roger's Lesson: I think it was about serving. He was called to serve and it was his lifelong dream, and he lived it. He served in many places on this great old planet called earth. And he served until he was called home, and I just know that he is still serving....only at the feet of Jesus.  Really though, I think it is just a continuation of what he did for the better part of his life here. 

And yes, while family and friends and grandchildren and all kinds of wonderful things make my life full and joyful here, there are also those times when I would rather just step through that portal on the sidewalk like he did and start eternity. If you don't have that security, it's time to explore how to plan for eternity. It's all in the Bible. There really and truly is only one way to have that eternal joy and peace that Roger is experiencing.  He would say....'pick up the Bible, it's the manual for living, for here and eternity!"