Just Too Much

A different 13

So many thoughts swirled in my head throughout the night and into the morning. Yesterday was exciting, sad, interesting, humbling. Roger worked with some great people and in a great place. I had so many thoughts and yet could not seem to complete a solid thought. Emotion. Too much emotion. 

Today, such a heaviness on my chest...is it that proverbial elephant that is supposed to prompt you to call 911?  Is it the concern for my sweet Aunt who has not yet awakened from surgery two days ago? Is it all of the thoughts and emotions still swirling from yesterday? Is it because it is Jacob's 13th birthday? Does a part of me wonder if I will see these precious children grow up? Roger didn't. 

This is one of those days where I absolutely know that God is in control and that he plans and orders every day and step of His children's lives, and yet I am just so very desperately sad today.  I need to shake this off.  Jacob's emotions and compassion ride at the surface, and he surely does not need mine on his special day.  

Roger absolutely loved birthdays. He never liked surprises, but he did like celebrating for others. For his birthday, he would plan the dinner or the restaurant and insist on paying. No matter what. Over the years, the girls just let it be. There were bigger battles to fight, right? It was more important for him to be happy. Flexible he was not, but generous, yes! 

We always have birthday dinners together, even if not on the exact date, but always within the near vicinity of the date. With a firefighters shift schedule, you NEVER plan for a holiday celebration to actually be ON the holiday. One of our big concerns back in February was "what will happen with celebrations?"  I think it is so special that everyone wanted them to continue. Of course it will be different, and perhaps I am not quite ready for different just yet. I just want him to be here.  Jacob is 13...these are the years when they would have had more fun than ever. I can just imagine Roger trying to teach Jacob to drive! He taught me to drive a stick shift...in a Corvette, no less....oh that was memorable! He probably would have bought a Corvette just so he could teach Jacob to drive one!  

Thirteen....that is just to young to be without your grandpa...RoRo.  So today is my day of totally not understanding all of this. It is my day of being just a bit mad at all of this.  It is my day for wanting to pour out so many tears and then trying to fix up so I don't have puffy eyes and a Rudolph nose.  I don't really want my days to be like this...and mostly they have not been. But every day is not Jacob's 13th birthday.  I think this is all just too much to handle and part of me just wants to bury my head in the sand. But, I have a birthday boy and I love him too much to just run away. 

A party we can do. I can do events, celebrations, parties. I can do that alone, though I don't really like to. But the doing of the party is nothing at all like the 'being with' everyone for the party. And every person has their special place. And it is just so very different when they are not here. 

It is different when a child is off at college, or living across the country due to a new job. It is different when one is off on a military assignment. Most of the time you can talk or text or FaceTime or Skype with them.   This is a whole new level of different.  

I keep wondering what Roger could be wanting me to learn through all of this. (Of course, I say Roger....but he is the tool...it is really God teaching me what I need to know)  Part of me just does not want to learn anything today. I just want to go back to February 9.  And yet...that's not going to happen and I know it. 

So what is it?  What will take away this intense aching, these unstoppable tears? 
I guess he would tell me that time will do it. I hope he would be so happy that he is so intensely missed..and not just by me, but very intensely by me.  

I imagine that he would tell me that our little parties and celebrations here are only a tiny glimpse of what he is now experiencing in Heaven.  Only he has no tears.  So, he would tell me to keep on celebrating, and do it well. He would tell us to make it work for us, even if that means changing it up a bit.  

So tonight, I guess we will just have to change it up a bit. This time, just a little bit. Perhaps we will grow some more before the next birthday rolls around. Oh, great....that would be mine.  One month. I have one month. 

OK Roger...no tears for Jacob. We will eat your favorite pizza and enjoy watching him open the gift you would have picked for him. But we are all going to remain very sad that he is entering his long awaited teen years without you.  It's just not the same.