What a week. VBS. Paperwork. Will the paperwork NEVER end? I am a task oriented gal, but glory, I am ready to close the folders on some of this stuff. I should not say stuff. It is details of life that you have to deal with before moving on. Maybe I just don't want to move on, so I let the paperwork drag on. Maybe if I don't finish it, this new life of mine is still just something surreal and not the actual life I am living? Maybe I just need to close the file drawers and get on with it. There is such a dizzying variety of emotion going on here.
The kids are in VBS this week - Agency D3 - Discover, Decide, Defend. It is actually a really good program! It is all "mission impossible' without Tom Cruise. Truth is what they are talking about. Real truth. Real reality. Sometimes it is just so much easier to live in a dream world, your own version of reality. I am beginning to see why some people turn to other things to help them cope. None of the things the world has to offer really entice me, thankfully, but I do see how the pain can be so deep that it seems like you never are going to see daylight again. I also am so glad that as a family, we decided to face this thing with thankfulness and praise, no matter how hard, and at times impossible, that seems to be possible to do.
Roger loved VBS and loved sitting in the assembly and watching Jacob on the stage. He loved watching them involved in things that really matter in life. Learning more about God matters. Knowing Him personally matters. It matters more than anything else we ever do.
I enjoyed our lunches after VBS this year. My chatty babies...ah, no they are not babies, and they will be grown up far too soon!
Friday brought 'take down and reset' for another VBS. It was fun to be included, though I was behind the curve, not seeing the vision for the new space or totally knowing what needed to be done. It all came together. This 'being the volunteer' thing is new for me. For decades I have been the one in charge, the one with the vision, the one who had to help the wonderful worker bees catch the vision and pull it all together. I had a great team too, the ones developing the vision. It was great fun. Much more fun than work. I always valued our volunteers and it is kind of fun to be in their shoes now, even though I have to constantly remind myself to not take over.
I saw the word CONFIDENTIAL so many times in this project. CONFIDENTIAL. Stuff that is really really important but not necessarily to be shared, except to those who need to know. That's what the search for truth was all about, I suppose. Getting to be the one who needed to know!
My week involved a lot of confidential business. It is so remarkable to me the way God just works things out before you even know that you need something. How in the world was I ever going to keep all of the different aspects of my new financial life in order? I stopped spinning plates (multi-tasking - doing so many things in the span of the same time and space) - stopped that 3 years ago. I don't want to do that anymore. It makes my brain tired and new studies show that multi-tasking is not really the best thing for the brain - focus is best. God knows this. He had a plan before I asked. Before I even realized what my need was.
Roger always loved laughter. Even when he was doing serious stuff, like finances, he would stop and tell a story while I would want him to be serious and stay on task. God has a way of reminding me to lighten up. This lawyer, oh my goodness! Between the financial advisor and the lawyer - well, the lights should have been going on and off all afternoon - Roger must not have found the fuse box, because he would have been right in the middle of their laughter. Here we were talking about wills and inheritance and all of that rather grim stuff - and stockpiling Folgers. Roger would have been hysterical. Somehow, I knew that I was in the right place and once again, God assured me that He had my 'new future' quite under control. How refreshing to know that there are many many people in this world who get up each morning, asking God to direct their path, and He just does it. He meets the needs of many because people just let him guide their steps.
I am finishing my week on an up-beat in many ways, all the while, with this anticipation and heaviness over me. I know what it is. It is Father's Day weekend and I don't know what to expect. I don't want to cry all weekend. I want to stay in this happy, laughing place with kids and people who just help out because God leads them to do it.
I hurt so much for my girls, but I know that God will get us through this.
Roger's Lesson: It was was a good earthly walk, while it lasted. Just remember that. Keep laughing. Keep doing what you have to do. Keep looking for the future. Just be ready to depart, because eternity is better!
I know. I know. It is just so hard without you, sweetie!
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