Diminishing light

It has been a full day. The drive to Oviedo is always ...long. It did not seem long three years ago, so did the road get longer or was I just used to my daily routine?  Routine, I suppose. The car could almost drive itself. 

It was meeting time for my overseas travel group and while it still seems a little odd to be planning a European trip, it is the kind of busy project I need right now. It is one of the few things in my life that is still normal. I guess that is good.  I'm thankful that the school still welcomes my assistance on the project. I know that God knew way back when I was wrapping up my teaching days that there would be a need and He had a way to fill it. It is comforting really, to know that He has a plan and always has. 

It is busy at school, wow, such a busy place. That used to be the way of my life. Busy busy busy. Always another project, always another production, always something that involved getting students prepared for something. But hardly ever quiet. I have come to actually embrace the quiet and the stillness around me. Being still is something that has always been a challenge for me. 

The last time I was really still, was when I was flat on my back fighting cancer. I was not too happy about it but I had no choice. God got my attention then about busy-ness. Being busy and doing good works is a great thing. When Christ is the focus of what you are doing...amazing! You don't always feel tired, but when you do, it is a good tired....like you are accomplishing something.  Back during those days, I came to find out that really and truly, it is not what you do, but who you are that really matters to Christ. I did a lot of reflecting back then and a lot of it is still carrying me through. 

That had to be one of the darkest periods of my life, but I still can see how God carried me through it. The prayers of so many friends who prayed diligently, believed wholeheartedly....oh, I remember! 

Tonight I drove home at dusk - I saw a beautiful sunset. As dusk fell, I wondered why people drove without headlights on. That seemed foolish. Foolishness is rather prevalent in this world of ours. How can you see where you are going without the light?  Seriously - how can you know where you are headed without the light of Christ leading. Puzzling, but people keep attempting it. Those drivers made me nervous - particularly the ones in my rear view mirror! 

By the time I reached home, it was fully dark. I unloaded the car and went back to lock it up. It was cool and quiet outdoors. I heard some little critter with a bird like sound - perhaps an owl. Bats don't make noise, do they?  I felt the little baby skeeters and actually hoped for a few bats!   

Leaning back on the car, I gazed up at the night sky.  I recalled the days when we first moved out her -actually even before we moved out here.  We used to lie in the grass and just look up at the night sky. It was really dark out here back in the 70's and 80's.  We could see the light of Cinderella's castle in the distance across the lake, but that was the only light near the earth.  We could look up at the sky and count the stars. We looked for planets. Of course, there was no space station flying around at the time, but Roger could always spot it once they did put it in the sky. 

These days you have to really strain your eyes to see a star. That does not mean that there are fewer stars of course. It means that there is so much ambient light on the earth that you don't have the contrast. Man's light diminishes God's natural light. Interesting, isn't it? 

Tonight I was recalling for the travel families about what a small part of the population of France even goes to church anymore, and why. "So many other things to do" they say....yes, we have that problem here too. I think it is even more than that. I think that that man's light is diminishing God's natural light.  We have so many distractions that we miss out on the real beauty around us. We are so busy that we miss the stillness.

I would say that this is a pretty dark time in my journey as well. Some days, I just can't seem to get moving. Some days I don't even want to. But I do. Just like I learned during that other dark journey - you get up. You put one foot in front of the other. You think of someone other than yourself and you get moving. And you don't forget to be still every now and then.  Sometimes it is in the stillness and aloneness in the car. Sometimes it is just sitting and taking in the beauty around you. And when that happens, a remarkable thing takes place. You see something that you never saw before and often God reminds you of a truth that you don't often think about. 

Roger's Lesson:  I know he thought my middle name was multi-task and he would often ask if I could just "be still."   Hmm....seems like he might have gotten that concept from His Maker.  

Maybe I am finally starting to get it. 

E Ticket

Magic Kingdom. Close to my heart. Close to my heart in many ways, but mostly because it was the location of our 'first real date.'  

I remember transportation tickets and E tickets.  Roger always went for the E tickets. No A tickets for his date, no only the best that he could afford. And back in the day, that transportation ticket was only around $6. 

I saw this post last night - original monorail now for sale on Ebay. There is just something so sad about that. I guess there is not a monorail graveyard anywhere.  I actually suggested that a friend get it, add pontoons, and float that baby on the Butler Chain. Now, that's MY kind of boat ride - fully air conditioned, of course. You would not even need sunblock!  Roger would laugh about that.  He would probably suggest putting it on a flatbed chaise and getting Bo to retrofit it so he could drive it to work. He liked really old vehicles. 

I imagine we rode on that very monorail car a lot of times! Things get old and you retire them out. That is kind of sad, really. It makes me think again about how Roger really went against the norm. At 71, most people would consider him old enough to be retired, too old to be working. He never considered himself old. He was always determined to keep up with his "troops." 

When I think about it, even though he left for work every shift, expecting them to retire him out, I realize that I should have probably had more contact with his Chief about that. Turns out that there was no plan to retire him out. I would have been waiting FOREVER for that party! 

Unique. Yes, Roger never called himself creative or unique, but he was. Who keeps working when logic says you can chill all day and bask in the sunshine?  Or in my case...travel somewhere in the air conditioning.  He really had the perfect career for him. One day on, two days off. He could do that 24 hour thing. And evidently he did not take the opportunity to sleep when he had it at work.  He always had so much energy.  Not hyperactive type energy - but just 'keep on going' type energy. I guess he just paced himself. 

Even at Disney, he paced himself.  He kept us moving and would then sit or stand and enjoy the experience. In recent years I found myself reminding him to slow down and walk WITH me and not ahead of me. Today....I'd love to be chasing after him even if he walked too fast.  

At least I still have my memories of those days 41 years ago when we took the Magic Kingdom SLOWLY.  We used all of the tickets (officially "coupons A-E") but always seemed to acquire more of the E Tickets. The ones that meant the ride was special, new, unique, exciting.  

Roger's Lesson: Oh, I know he would say that we had an E Ticket Life.  

 Indeed! And I wish he had taken it more slowly, but I also expect that he was showing me that there was something better at the end of it, so keep moving and see it all while you are here. 


So now I will get up off this couch. 

Always

The story of a life

 Early this morning the sun came up. It aways does. God continually gives us new days. Days that can be different from the day before, especially if the day before was a bit heavy. Laughter, but heavy. It seems so odd that it could be like that in the same day, the same moments.

But this morning is beautiful. It is so odd for it to be this cool in Florida in May. I need to embrace it, because as much as I love living in Florida, I do not embrace the heat and humidity.  Today is one of those morning where I just wanted to stay outside. But, at almost 9 am - it was time to come in!

Embrace the moments. Yes.
Perhaps I prepared myself to expect yesterday to be a hard one, and so it was. Maybe it was going to be hard anyway. Maybe it is just supposed to be that way.

Even with the sadness of the day, it still had plenty of laughter. And that was very good!

While we waited for dinner last night, this little Chinese "take-out" box was placed on a platter before me. Like Emily, I thought it was food. A new appetizer?

The words on the box told me that most people tell stories with words, but this was a story told with jewelry. Of course, I did not get it. Bit by bit, I pulled the pieces from the box. A monocle on a chain? A magnifying glass on a chain? What was this?

Piece by piece, I unwrapped a treasure. A key. A tree. A bunny? No...it was upside down...a girl with pigtails - one for Kristin and one for Karin. A cross. A red cardinal. A flag. And...a firefighters maltese cross. And finally a piece of pressed copper. A shield penny, they said.

Oh! It was telling a story!

As we assembled the pieces I saw that the Cross is what brought us together. It's a long story but it has to do with a very special Pastor of mine, a church member store manager, and a job. (Maybe that will be an anniversary day post!)

Roger was a firefighter for 52 years. He never retired. How appropriate to include the firefighter's emblem. He was our hero, our protector, and he was always on the alert for danger. Saftey First!
And they did not even know it, but Emily pointed out to me in the afternoon that Ocoee Engine 39 was driving past our corner. What a fun birthday surprise. I'm glad she was more observant than I! 

We had two beautiful girls. What a gift! Part of his great legacy.

We love our country and as much as we loved to travel, there was no place like home. In the USA. And he believed in the principles upon which this country was founded. "IN GOD" he always trusted.

One thing we loved in the place where we live was watching the cardinals every spring. This year the yard seemed to be filled with cardinals. There were many days after Feb 10 when I would open the garage door and many cardinals would take off flying What were they doing in the garage? I had never seen that before! They flew out of cubbyholes and from nooks and crannies in the shelving. Certainly they could not be building nests there. (I will find that out when I face up to cleaning out the garage one day - maybe in the fall)  I finally discovered that they had been pulling fibers from my coconut hull baskets! Nest building, indeed! They were building homes, like we did.

And since, I have enjoyed the baby cardinals and continue to see the bright red male cardinals. Interestingly, yesterday I was walking the dog and happened to be thinking that I had not seen cardinals for a while. While standing still, waiting on the dog, I spotted a red cardinal on the ground eating berries from the camphor tree. I just watched. He busied himself and did not fly away. He was less than 6 feet away from me but did not fly away! When a car passed by, he moved to a nearby branch, and then to the brick mailbox across the street. I just watched him for a very long time. He would eat and then look at me. Eat some more and look at me.  It brought a smile and laughter as I though of Roger in a red shirt, eating and wondered if this bird might be looking to me to bring the mayonnaise!  Ha...crazy thought.   Our red cardinals will always remind me of Roger and perhaps I will remember to be still and just observe and listen....and remember the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  (Brother Bill used to say that all the time and I love that phrase from the Bible - it means a lot more today than it ever did though)

The key - oh it opens things. It reminds me that it opens doors of opportunity. It opens doors to your home, your means of transportation, your place of work. You hear it referred to as a key to knowledge. A key is a pretty important material possession. It opens a lot of things you need on this journey. It also is representative of someone holding the key to your heart.  I collect keys and I love unusual and very old keys. They tell a story. This special key tells the story of the man I love.

And the tree. Roger loved his trees and would never of his own accord have one taken down. We just lived that tree episode a week or two ago. And Mike gave us that new tree...that live oak. The one that can weather the storms. The back of that little charm says "Life is a gift."  How appropriate.

The little copper disc is representative of the shield pennies that we watch for. It is pressed really thin and on the back, it is embossed with "Always."  Not only will Roger be with us always, Christ will be with us always and help us through the ups and downs, the laugher and tears.

We tell a story with jewelry. How precious. How unique is this special necklace.
What a beautiful ending for a very difficult day. I will treasure this always and it is indeed a new day, and a new beginning, but Roger will be here ALWAYS because you don't live a good and godly life and become forgotten.

Roger's Lesson:  Oh he would say to get over the tears. He would say to focus on the key.

The key he would point to is to a 'door' and the only door that really matters, not only in this earthly life but for eternity.
"For I stand at the door and knock - and if any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come in...."  (Rev 3:20)          
But in order to hear - you have to be still and you have to be listening. (And often times, that does not happen until you are flat on your back, looking up) And of course, faith is involved.

"For I am the way, the truth, and the life and no man comes to the Father except by Me."
Like it or not, no matter what this world has to say or offer. God is the one who has the final say. And this is what He said...not us.

Who holds the key to your heart? Roger holds the key to my earthly love and inspires me even as he is in eternity now. Jesus holds the key to my heart though, as he did for Roger.  Roger is enjoying the fullness of His presence right now, and I will one day.

Until then, I will keep on collecting keys, and seeing what opportunities God still has before me.  It will be a different experience from now on, but with Christ, every single day holds something new to enjoy. Ups and downs. He is always there.   Always.

Herbs de Provence

"Cinco de Mayo!" - Emily has been chanting it all day long. She figured out that it means 5th of May. We practiced the numbers and months in Spanish and she got it. What it is for - well, not so much.  No, the whole USA and Mexico do not celebrate it because it is my birthday, but good try!

My birthday, my choice of birthday meals. I picked...no cooking for me, let's eat out!  Of course, not only because I LOVE French cuisine, and the beauty of the French language, I just love the ambiance at Mimi's - so my choice was easy!

Herbs de Provence - just say that with the proper accent and see if anything tastes better. And then, there is the brie...just wonderful!

I love family dinners. I love that we laugh a lot. I love  that the memories we are sharing lately are good memories, family memories. As parents, it is pretty hard to get it right all the time. I mean, these newborns do not come with a manual. It does not get any easier as they grow up.  By the grace of God, our girls grew up to be practically perfect in every way. We always considered ourselves so blessed. I am especially blessed right now.  Sisters who enjoy being with each other and encourage and support each other. Very different and yet very much the same in many ways.  And I love that they love being with family. We are close, but hopefully we don't drive each other crazy. Jim may be the only one who really knows the answer to that little thought though!

He cared more about family than just about anything in the world. He never ever liked surprises though. He was a funny guy in so many ways and I probably spent more time that one could imagine with him on my mind today.  I've sort of lost track of when it would have been his shift day, but regardless, he would have taken it off today - because it was my birthday. We would have had an early breakfast - probably down at the Dixie Cream or Peach Valley. (I had breakfast with friends, which was wonderful too!)  He would have wanted lunch too, but I would have suggested a snack. We would have taken a walk around the mall (AC, of course!) and spent some time in the front yard swing. And we would have had dinner with the family.   I did most of that today.

But I could not help but want to walk in his shoes today. (His golden slippers, perhaps?)

What was his day like? Could he really have a concept that this was an out of the ordinary day in our little corner of the world? Could he send me a message to give me some comfort because I miss him so much? Crazy, right? It is such a mysterious thing, the way your mind tries to sort things out. Never mind what I believe theologically. In my whole life, I do not believe that I have experienced some of the thoughts that have popping into my head lately.  I am confident, however, that God will give me answers where they are really needed. I am confident too that He will continue to send me His Comforter to help me through the loss. He never fails.

Roger's Lesson: Oh, he would tell me that while it is a very good thing to think a lot and to think deeply (something I did not exercise enough) - there are just some things that you just have to give over to faith. You just have to trust. You just have to believe that things happen in God's timing and in His ways, and that it is not necessary that we understand it. He would tell me to laugh (including at myself) and to keep living.

I guess there are a lot of things that I am a lot better at than thinking deeply. Perhaps I should stick to those things.

Mimi's. Good choice. Good food. Good ambiance. Great fragrance, like those herbs de Provence. But mostly.........great family!

62? Just laugh!

Number 41

For forty years, the morning of May 5 began with a very early morning, rousing and joyful wakeup call, flowers and some sort of excitement about what surprises the day would hold. And in recent years, a Mall at Millennia gift card. ("If you can't find some possession you can't live without, then let's go out to eat" he would say!)

This morning was just another morning. I was not even thinking about it being May 5 - at least not the moment I awakened.

Last night, as I drifted off to sleep, I somewhat dreaded the thought of morning. What would it be? Would I have this sense of a dark cloud hanging over my head. I hate days like that. Dark clouds. That feeling of deep sadness, if not depression. I do not want to be like that. Life is so much worse for so many people that it is for me. Snap out of it already!
And off to sleep....there is no telling what my dreams were, or if I dreamed. I was just mentally tired. Was I setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy for myself? I hoped not!

The sun came shining through the window, as it always does. This morning was beautiful. Sunny. Fresh and breezy outdoors. It was the start of a perfect day. Then that thought of the 'perfect day' of Feb 10 popped into my head. Oh my. Perfect days. Let's not hope for any more of those. This depressed feeling was just not working for me.

And then I heard voices. Not voices in my head, but voices in the kitchen...children's voices. Cheerful voices! Flower, singing....that turned the day around and school had not even started yet! Thank you!

Off to water the new grass.....
And then I heard laughter. And then I realized it was Karin talking to a neighbor after a morning run. And quickly, me in my jambes dropped the sprinkler and sprinted (sort of) back into the house!

That was a little reminder to be sure to get dressed before starting the day! Ok...laugher. Sometimes I do the most absurd things.

And I remembered how especially blessed I am to have my children and grandchildren so nearby. Not everyone gets that! And I was going OUT to breakfast with girlfriends who keep me laughing. How great is that?!  And it was all good and it was fun, and happy, and the morning passed. Thank you!

But then there are the quiet moments. Those moments 'in between' when you do little things like try to sign up online for a birthday dinner - and get frustrated. And then I thought about how Roger always planned where to eat out and did not care about specials or coupons or online anything.

And I teared up a bit, and then I laughed because I really could care less whether I eat a hamburger or a pizza or a Mimi's anything. I just care about being with my family. Good perspective, I think.

It is time to pick up Emily from school and we will stay busy this afternoon. The girls need a pedicure and new paint job. Maybe we will chalk first...if it is not too hot. (I don't do hot so well)
And maybe we will get some ice cream. And mostly, we will stay busy.

This is a day for remembering the wonderful but also for establishing a new normal. I don't particularly want the new normal to include a bunch of crying. My life has always been filled with laughter, and boy, the heaviness that seems to be weighing me down today is screaming out for a lot more laughter today.  Yet, maybe you don't really appreciate the sunshine and laughter without the sadness and tears.

Just knowing that so many wonderful friends are praying me through this day makes a world of difference. I know the elephant on my chest is not an elephant and not an illness. It is just a heart that is weighed down with tears that probably need to flow.  Or maybe - maybe it just wants to explode with one of Roger's great belly laughs....

Roger's Lesson: He would probably be laughing at me and telling me that if I would think about turning social security age, I might be crying about that....unless I started thinking about what the alternative to getting older might be.

(Well, I would prefer him getting older, but he is loving his life ever after experience, I am sure)

I think a lot of life is about just changing your focus. So I will keep my focus on the joyful things, even if the tears do come first!

40 birthdays with Roger, normal. He's still in my heart for the 41st - but it begins the new normal.

Look Up

As I stay "in" on this rainy morning, taking a break from cleaning and putting things in order, of course I checked in to FB. It is only normal, right? That piece of technology that connects to FB just stares at you when you pass through a room. It beckons me  to come and sit a while.  I don't always comply, but I do often enough.

This little video was posted by a friend and something compelled me to click. 



Wow. A message worth hearing. Roger could have delivered this little video clip. 
It made me cry at the end. 



 http://blog.petflow.com/this-is-a-video-everyone-needs-to-see-for-the-first-time-in-my-life-im-speechless/

The tears were sad, and yet happy. That is such a weird thing. 

While I don't find myself totally absorbed in technology, certainly I am often enough. I'm not coordinated enough to walk down the street and text or read at the same time, so I still see people on the street. I could stand to interact more though.

The happy tears made me really glad that 'back in the day' we did not have all of this technology in or hands. We talked to people, yes, even strangers.  

It also made me think about Roger and his lack of a need for so many of the things that we call 'necessary' in this life of ours. It used to frustrate me that he could not seem to remember how to check a voicemail or send a text.  Now, I find myself wishing he were here so that I could laugh about it with him. 

There is something especially sweet about the fact that Roger managed to successfully navigate this earthly existence without a need for technology. He would have been fine with an analog anything - or even a rotary dial. He did not have a need for a microwave and never did totally figure out any remote control gadget. The kindle was well beyond him.

And these new fangled cars that talk to you and call people. Nonsense, he would say! A GPS? Why not use a map, you can fold it so many different ways! 

No...it was not for lack of intelligence that Roger did not gravitate towards these things. It was because it left out personal contact. Wow. How so many of us miss out on that little thing almost every day of our lives. 

Roger's Lesson for the day - oh it is in that video clip - and it is spot on!

I am so glad that we both looked up over 41 years ago. If we had not, we might have missed each other. It makes me especially miss the good old days. 

Dreaming Dreams

It was a rainy day and I almost did not get out, but ended up very glad that I did.

There is something to be said for getting up and getting dressed first thing in the morning. That way you are ready for just about anything that happens. I've sort of been slipping back into the habit of not doing that if I don't have somewhere to go. Bad idea.

I almost missed out on a visit from some very special little ones. Thank goodness they knew about the back door! I had forgotten that it was May Day, but they didn't! Little ones learn sweet things about making days special for others from their mamas. Sweet mama! Thanks Reagan and Jackson! The cookies were yummy!

There are days when I find that I could just stay in the house all day. I'm not really a hermit, but I can always find a way to busy myself. Bored is never a word that would describe me. That's not always a good thing though, because it can be isolating. Isolating is probably not a good thing for this season of my life.

My calendar indicted a special art exhibit for the evening, and I had made a promise. A promise to myself actually, to drive across town to support and encourage the efforts of some special young people. As much as I have loved this thing called 'retirement' I have to admit that I do miss students and I do miss art. Making time for doing it myself seems to be elusive. I love encouraging others though. That was my favorite part of the classroom, I think. Encouraging. Showing students their potential. Helping to open doors. And I had the great pleasure of teaching some of these students when they were wee middle schoolers. And now, they are about to graduate! Time flies!

Roger always called my job my 'hobby.'  I finally came to realize that he did not so much look at it as an income generating proposition as much as he looked at it as something that fulfilled my creative spirit in some way. He always supported it, and the hours it took me away from home, though I imagine that he would have been fully content if I had 'retired' a decade ago.

On my way to the exhibit the radio was on and I heard that beautiful, tear-jerking song "Wind Beneath my Wings."  Not all of the words tell our story, but part does, and it was one of my messages for Roger when I selected it for a video.

                  Did you ever know that your'e my hero - and everything I would like to be
                  I can fly higher than an eagle - because you are the wind beneath my wings

He always did that - he encouraged my dreams. He encouraged me to pursue new opportunities and adventures even if it took me away from home at times. Even when the girls were grown, he never said 'just stay home.' though many times I know he probably wished my schedule allowed for more home cooked dinners.

I spent time reflecting back over 40+ years and realized that we kind of did that a lot for each other. We encouraged the pursuit of dreams for each other. Certainly I was not wild about all of his travel when the girls were so small, and yet, how it opened up the world for him. His travel experiences may well have been an inspiration to Karin, and they kept track of who had been to the most countries. I kept the home fires burning while he traveled the world. He enlarged my view of the world in the process. He encouraged my creativity, wherever it might lead.

He challenged me to overcome my fear of flying, and to see the world. I wish I had done it with him, back when the girls were small. I was too scared to fly. Fear is not a good thing. It paralyzes you.

There are days when I just don't even want to do anything different or anything new, but I see now that it is fear. Fear of doing it alone. Fear that I might make it without him, but I don't want to. Fear that I will turn and think I see him there for me, but it won't be him. Those things paralyze and I know that I have to face those fears. He would challenge me to do it.

Driving home from the exhibit, I realized that he would have driven me, because I don't like to drive at night. He would have had a cup of coffee and waited for me to see the art, and congratulate the students for a job well done. He would have driven me home. It would not have mattered that he did not really care about the subject at hand. It would have mattered that it might be helping someone else to solidify and pursue their own dreams.

Roger's Lesson for me this day - I am sure - was that we all have dreams we should pursue. And it is really wonderful when you have someone who will encourage that and challenge you to do it.

I'm glad we did that for each other.

I find myself wondering what God means when He says that young men will see visions and old men shall dream dreams. I hope it does not mean just looking back, but rather, imagining the future.

He will open doors. I know it. I also know that my dreams will have to change a bit now, but I know that Roger would expect me to keep dreaming. And he will always be my hero, and the wind beneath my wings. For whatever comes next.