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| Number 41 |
This morning was just another morning. I was not even thinking about it being May 5 - at least not the moment I awakened.
Last night, as I drifted off to sleep, I somewhat dreaded the thought of morning. What would it be? Would I have this sense of a dark cloud hanging over my head. I hate days like that. Dark clouds. That feeling of deep sadness, if not depression. I do not want to be like that. Life is so much worse for so many people that it is for me. Snap out of it already!
And off to sleep....there is no telling what my dreams were, or if I dreamed. I was just mentally tired. Was I setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy for myself? I hoped not!
The sun came shining through the window, as it always does. This morning was beautiful. Sunny. Fresh and breezy outdoors. It was the start of a perfect day. Then that thought of the 'perfect day' of Feb 10 popped into my head. Oh my. Perfect days. Let's not hope for any more of those. This depressed feeling was just not working for me.
And then I heard voices. Not voices in my head, but voices in the kitchen...children's voices. Cheerful voices! Flower, singing....that turned the day around and school had not even started yet! Thank you!
Off to water the new grass.....
And then I heard laughter. And then I realized it was Karin talking to a neighbor after a morning run. And quickly, me in my jambes dropped the sprinkler and sprinted (sort of) back into the house!
That was a little reminder to be sure to get dressed before starting the day! Ok...laugher. Sometimes I do the most absurd things.
And I remembered how especially blessed I am to have my children and grandchildren so nearby. Not everyone gets that! And I was going OUT to breakfast with girlfriends who keep me laughing. How great is that?! And it was all good and it was fun, and happy, and the morning passed. Thank you!
But then there are the quiet moments. Those moments 'in between' when you do little things like try to sign up online for a birthday dinner - and get frustrated. And then I thought about how Roger always planned where to eat out and did not care about specials or coupons or online anything.
And I teared up a bit, and then I laughed because I really could care less whether I eat a hamburger or a pizza or a Mimi's anything. I just care about being with my family. Good perspective, I think.
It is time to pick up Emily from school and we will stay busy this afternoon. The girls need a pedicure and new paint job. Maybe we will chalk first...if it is not too hot. (I don't do hot so well)
And maybe we will get some ice cream. And mostly, we will stay busy.
This is a day for remembering the wonderful but also for establishing a new normal. I don't particularly want the new normal to include a bunch of crying. My life has always been filled with laughter, and boy, the heaviness that seems to be weighing me down today is screaming out for a lot more laughter today. Yet, maybe you don't really appreciate the sunshine and laughter without the sadness and tears.
Just knowing that so many wonderful friends are praying me through this day makes a world of difference. I know the elephant on my chest is not an elephant and not an illness. It is just a heart that is weighed down with tears that probably need to flow. Or maybe - maybe it just wants to explode with one of Roger's great belly laughs....
Roger's Lesson: He would probably be laughing at me and telling me that if I would think about turning social security age, I might be crying about that....unless I started thinking about what the alternative to getting older might be.
(Well, I would prefer him getting older, but he is loving his life ever after experience, I am sure)
I think a lot of life is about just changing your focus. So I will keep my focus on the joyful things, even if the tears do come first!
40 birthdays with Roger, normal. He's still in my heart for the 41st - but it begins the new normal.
Sweet post. You are inspiring.
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