After having some quiet time to read, while waiting to board my plane, we finally loaded and hit the runway. It took until I was a half century old before I became willing and able to get on an airplane, then some time thereafter before I would do it alone.
Those takeoffs and landings would always stress me!
I learned somewhere along the line to get into touch with my senses and instead of letting the psyche freak me out, I asked God to help me find a way to deal with the anxiety related to takeoffs and landings. One flight I happened to be reading something in Revelation and as we took off, I closed my eyes, thought about what I had been reading, and wondered if the Rapture would give me a similar feeling. It is that feeling of leaving planet earth and just being lifted away, higher and higher. No panic. I won't panic with the Rapture either, because I am so looking forward to that day!
Every flight thereafter, long or short, I think about how the Rapture might feel. Exciting!
Today the window shades happened to be up as we climbed and then leveled off. Puffy, white, dense. I thought of children's story books about how your loved ones become angels and sit on the clouds and strum musical instruments, and just enjoy Heaven in all of it's fluffiness. Yes, a pretty far stretch from what Heaven might really be like, but that is the childhood image that came to my mind.
This time I thought about looking out to see if Roger might be sitting on some of those clouds. He wasn't of course, but it was fun to imagine him so near to where I was at the moment. I guess I got a little teary eyed, thinking about how far up I was at the moment, so much closer to him that I am on earth, and yet still so far away.
I finally settled in to reading my book. It is something about life in the 'in between' - that rather boring part of life, the plateau so to speak, that space between the eventful things in our lives. Pretty interesting thoughts. It made me start thinking about the recent 'events' of our lives - things like my retirement, his 'thinking about' retirement. Things like holidays, and birthdays, and trips - events we plan for. In between those times, it can be mostly quiet, and we can use that time for good, if we choose - or we can keep ourselves busy until the next big event. The book was exploring the different options.
Then a totally unplanned for event. Roger's quick exit. No planning. The week surrounding it is still almost a blur. I remember being able, in some miraculous way, to letting others do for me, and take care of me. I can't even recall how I even handled the shock of it all. Somehow God got us though it all. The girls were remarkable and had this inner strength that I can imagine that they did not expect that they had. So many people experience this, but not all have the comfort that Christ gives. I can't even imagine going through any kind of shock or test or trial without Christ by my side.
I read a lot this week and goodness, things get jumbled for me, but I read something about trials and it reminded me of things that Roger would say.
Roger's Lesson: Things can be tough at times but don't give up. Push through. Tough times change you for the better if you let them. Tough times make you stronger. Hard is relative, he would say.
Interesting thoughts. All too soon I was dozing because all of that deep thinking took its toll on my brain. Then, all of a sudden the intercom startled me awake with an announcement about 'trying' to land. Here I was by an exit door too! Roger would have been instructing me as to how to handle an emergency, and here I was thinking ' I can bust that door out and slip and oops, I would be off that wing in a second' - A first responder, I am not!
And then - I saw the lights below (Between great flashes of lightning) - the traffic was moving, the lights were twinkling, everyone below as going about their business, and busy-ness. I had the quiet solitude of this airplane, and here I sat, actually watching the busy-ness below. People going everywhere, but did they have purpose and direction?
As we descended, the tears came once again. It felt like I was leaving the heavens. I wanted to be home, and yet I wanted to stay in the heavens even more. Did Roger get to feel that on February 10? They said it was so sudden that he never felt a thing. But - did he have a moment where he knew he was departing? Did he wish he could stay? I know he was ready and eager to spend eternity with Christ, but did he know it was happening so soon?
I will probably not know that until I get to Heaven, and by the time I get there, I imagine there will be bigger things on my mind, like getting to see Jesus face to face.
And that thought got me through this evening as the wheels touched the ground. We hurried back to earth - and for the first time - I did not want to hurry for anything, anymore.
I'm looking forward to the day I see Christ face to face even more after this last flight.
Beautiful post of tender thoughts and great resolve. You are special.
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