Today it seemed that every time I was in the car by myself, 'the Z' was on. I rarely change the channel, so I tend to listen to whatever happens to land on the tuner.
Talk about emotion. Every song was either the saddest thing I ever heard - tragedy, loss, hurt, pain - or drawing my thoughts toward Heaven. This equals tears - and lots of them. I never can seem to figure out what triggers it.
It is so sad to hear the singer go on and on about suffering and pain, though it is abundant in this world, and I am certain the songs do help people. But on and on....oh, goodness, lead me to something joyful! I feel the pain, the loss. The tears flow. And I get a headache.
But then, the songs about Heaven. There in the midst of my sad tears, it is like I can see Glory and I am still crying. Only they change to tears of joy for what I will see and experience one day - and then back to sadness because it is not now, and because this journey is a lonely one now.
It is a strange thing how you can be surrounded with people, and yet still feel so alone. I have always thought that being alone is not the same as loneliness. For almost 41 years now, I've had plenty of times of 'being alone' - every third day, in fact. I grew to embrace those times and use them well. But I never felt lonely.
So many times, I walk through the doors we entered and departed through together. I go places where we went together. I've done it by myself, but never been lonely. I do it now, and it will hit me that we won't be doing this together, ever again. Not in my lifetime. It is just so very weird.
And little tears creep down my cheeks.
And I sniff a little.
And then I hear from Z again, and the message reminds me that God loves me more than I can ever imagine. And it reminds me that I am never ever really alone. And it reminds me of how this is a journey and it is different for each of us.
Though I know that Roger was ready, as in prepared, for eternity. I seriously doubt that he would have picked his departure day so soon. But I am just as certain that when Jesus called, he responded. He did that all of his life. He responded to the call.
In all of my alone-ness at the moment, I am quite sure that Roger's Lesson for me is that he
responded to the call, as he always did. Only the call on February 10 was the best call of his life, and one he hopes everyone who knew him will answer as well.
I am pretty sure that the messages I keep hearing on the radio are reminders of that call, and only one of God's little ways to help me stay focused. Maybe it gets easier after week 11?
Hopefully I will remember the lessons from the past few days. There were some pretty interesting ones.
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