I still don't know the names of the people who work at our Publix. I still don't know if it is the same person I saw the last time I shopped. I still face Publix as a task that must be done. Old habits die hard.
Today I bought more watermelon than I needed - the kids might like some. And yogurt - Karin's fav was on sale. And Roger's favorite steaks. One package was all they had. He stockpiled them. I started.
I find that more and more, I am staying 'on task' instead of approaching the excursion as a 'field trip.' The food pantry enjoyed the cans and boxes of things that he liked but I didn't, but I prepared it for him anyway. The pantry and fridge now reflect my tastes.
That is just the weirdest feeling EVER!
On the way to Publix, I found myself listening to the words of another interesting song. "The Things I would Say" ...or something to that effect. I gather that it was the message of a father or husband to his family. Don't give up. Keep the faith. Do what God has for you to do.
Practical advice! And life has been like that. It has been that 'get up and put one foot in front of the other' kind of life. I've lived that before. God always gives us a chance to practice, though we don't always know what we are practicing for. Though some days it is up and down, mostly I keep moving forward. Roger would be pleased about that.
He would be pleased that I have learned to navigate that foreign land that Emily calls 'Pug-lix" - and today, on my own.
I do get a kick out of the 'bag boys'...maybe they are just called 'baggers' these days..... They range from the high school kid who needs money to pay his car insurance, to the young adults with some sort of challenge that they deal with, to the senior citizens who need a little cash to supplement their social security. I found this pic online. It reminded me of Roger because I was always thinking up 'retirement jobs' for him so that he would stay busy and not underfoot.
Yes...as we all get into retirement, as much as well like having the old spouse around, ALL the time is still too much. Or so we think!
This guy was an MBA who retired early and became a 'bagger.' I thought it was funny. I bet he was similar to Roger - needed to stay busy all day and had a high level of need for talk to people, especially people he did not know.
Roger always said he was going to be a "toll booth operator' when he retired. That was back in the day when there actually were a fair number of 'toll booth operators." He was approaching 62 at the time. I thought he had lost his mind, but I also knew that "toll booth operator' was definitely NOT the right fit for him. Can you even imagine how slow the already slow traffic would have been if he had been collecting quarters, making change, AND finding out where the person was from and how their day was going?
I thought he would also be a good bus driver at Disney - he would have had the world at his fingertips! I wonder how many languages he would have learned - enough to be slightly conversational anyway. Perfect retirement job. Roger and the mouse - another land he loved!
But no, I bet he would have liked Publix. It was in his neck of the woods and he would have known EVERYONE who shopped in that store. He almost did anyway.
Sometimes I stop and wonder what God has for me to do next. And then, I stop. I don't dwell on it. I think this is a time to keep the faith and not give up and just know that He is not finished with me yet. It is not a time when I have to multi-task. Another perfect song message.
Roger's Lesson: He would laugh at me and tell me that he was sure he would be retired soon, because "They" were not going to let an old guy be a firefighter forever. He would say to do what you are doing and love it because you might not be doing it forever.
And deep down, I would know that he was not going anywhere unless "They" kicked him out. And only in February did I find out that "They" had no intention of doing such a thing.
And we would talk about what he was going to do to stay busy - and not underfoot - since I already had 'retirement' figured out. And he would laugh and laugh.
But even if he did not work at Publix, he surely did hang out there a lot.
I have to accept that he did all that God had for him to do, and continue to believe that I will know, step by step, what is next for me.
For today, I'm thankful to have conquered "Pug-lix' without Emily, my faithful companion. It is one more step that shows me that life will never be the same, but it can seem normal - at times anyway.
God is faithful. He's getting me through.
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