Push Through

Today was the day to catch up. I have so many notes, so many thoughts, so many things that I have seen in the last week - made written and mental notes - and yet, have not posted. This place is where I can keep these thoughts so I don't forget them. That is the biggest thing - will I forget?

A year from now, will I remember all of the little, seemingly insignificant,  things about daily living with Roger? Will I remember his laugh, his voice, his touch?  That is a scary thing - to think that it will become a blur of the past.

Yet - I know that I can't live in the past. God does not desire that for us and Roger would not - but I don't want to forget the blessings that God has given me in this lifetime with Roger. 

And, writing is therapy. In a very good way.

Today I ventured into Hobby Lobby. I have not been here for a while - maybe once, since February.  For a while my day went like this.  ~ Go to therapy (physical, not mental) - stop at Hobby Lobby - get some tea - go home~   Nice retirement life!   Even in January I was enjoying the deep discounts on Christmas.

Christmas - there was probably not a time of year that Roger loved more than Christmas. Even though he acted like it was all me, I am quite confident that he fed into my addiction for Christmas decorating. I remember when our beloved  "Wick" came over and later mentioned at school that at my house, it looked like Christmas threw up.   Of course, I knew she meant that in a most loving and creative way ---  "Oh - Judi thinks she is decorating the Magic Kingdom!"    

Ok. Guilty. Every room, a different theme. The grandchildren could give tours and it was delightful to hear them describe the happenings of each room.

I even created a firefighter tree for Roger last Christmas. 

Christmas. Boy - I'm not sure I can do this again. The girls say yes. They say it is a part of me. 
I think I did it for Roger. Something is going to be seriously missing this year. 

So - here I was in Hobby Lobby - and THANK GOODNESS it was not a busy morning.  Between appointments, I had a few minutes to kill, so I had a feeling I could find ornament hooks - for a totally non-Christmas project - in this store.  I did.  And I should have left right away.

Nope - I found myself roaming. Christmas trees - row upon row.  Tears. Roger's favorite time of year. He ran out and got a fresh tree the day the first one arrived at Publix. It mattered not if it was still 90 degrees outside! 

Oh, the memories. One Christmas after another passed before my eyes. I am quite confident that I stood there, a blubbering mess.  I could feel it.   

"May I help you find something, ma'am?"    
"um, no thanks, I'm fine"    No - I wasn't.     

Then it was almost as if I could hear him.   "Push through." "No pain, no gain." 
What?

"Push through. You have to get through this. You have to get through the sadness and get to the joy of Christmas. Don't stay stuck. Don't run away and avoid facing it."

And so I leaned on that cart and step by step, I made my way through aisle after aisle of Christmas frivolity.  I recalled the vacations, the parties, the family times, the laughter.  I recalled the year that I did not think I would live to see Christmas  - one chemo to go - and they took me to the Magic Kingdom.  It had to be the coldest December EVER and I was going to humor them  and let them push me around like an old bald lady in a wheelchair, up to my neck in blankets.   Family meant everything and I recall thinking it would be my last Christmas with them.   

It wasn't. Roger made me push through.  He told me that it was good practice for life because you have to push through.  So - I did it for him.  I certainly did not do it for me. 

Wiping the tears that were warming my cheeks, I turned one last corner. There it was - the display that told it all - center stage - you could not go anywhere in the Christmas section without seeing it - Nativity after Nativity on shelf after shelf, table after table. And a giant W -----'Wise men still seek Him."     I had probably walked past it several times and through the tears, I did not have my eyes wide open.  But surely enough - that was the message - Wise men still seek HIM. 

Day by day, step by step, He remains faithful. 

Roger's Lesson:  God is always preparing you for something you will face in the future. You never know what it will be, but if you will let Him,  you will be prepared because you practiced before.

Christmas. 
I still don't know how I am going to get through it, but I know that God will get me there. 

I know that family is still the best thing Roger left for me and each precious moment means something. 

I never thought that I would be crying about Christmas, but joy did come though those tears. 
So I bought a new firefighter ornament, and a beautiful red cardinal. 

And the season won't be the same - but the season never was about Roger anyway - it is about Jesus. 

And that is what he would want me to remember.