Firstborn

It is not exactly writer's block. Today, I think it is something so much bigger. Today there is so much that needs to be recorded and yet, it is feeling like an impossibility to do so through the tears.  

Not bad tears. Sad tears, and a whole lot of really joy-filled tears.  It is the most absurd thing - this thing called 'tears.' 

Today is the birthday of our first-born. Yes, OUR first-born. Always was - always will be - OURS. 

She is barely a week old in the photo and she was a baby who was just the right size for her daddy. She was not so tiny that he thought he might break her - she was a perfect 10. That's right - 10 lbs 0 oz --at birth!   

I'll never forget the night that I surprised him with the news. We had gone out to dinner at a fancy French restaurant - we had always wanted to try it.  After ordering and waiting for our dinner - his coffee not even touched yet - I broke the good news.   

That night, I learned a little bit about timing.  I was not quite aware only two years into marriage, that Roger did not like surprises.  I also had not quite figured out that for a coffee drinker, it is a really good thing to let one have at least one good cup before offering up substantial news. 

He was excited,  speechless..... decided we needed to take a walk - left a $100 tip on the table, and we left as he patted everyone on the back as we made our departure. That's right - not even an appetizer..... Yes, definitely a night I will never forget!   Looking back, it was really funny, and yet, I think that quite possibly I should have told him BEFORE we left the house.  

I guess that at 32, Roger was not really thinking that he was going to be a father - or maybe we were having so much fun together that he did not think he could handle more fun in his life. I don't know - but he did settle into the process of getting her here pretty quickly. 

Back in the day, there was no way to know if we were having a girl or a boy. I still think that is part of the fun of it all.  I got a strong feeling over the months, that he was really really counting on a girl. He used to say things like "I don't know if I would want to be a parent to a boy like me'  - and he never really explained what that meant, but I always had a feeling that it had a lot to do with a whole lot of mischief. 

It was a long, hot summer in 1975 and there were times when I thought this baby of ours had huge feet and multiple appendages. My poor ribs must have been black and blue on the inside.  Though she was actually due around August 5th, she did not arrive until August 27.  That was the summer when I floated in my parent's pool, unless I was sleeping in the lazy-boy - and just trying to make this baby as comfortable as she could be so she would quit kicking!  My summer as a baby beluga, I called it. 

And very soon, we found out why.   At my final doctor visit, he gave me a few days to deliver 'or else' - I happened to ask, as he was leaving the room,  'so, if your mother had big babies, does that mean that you might too?"    He asked how big.   "My sister was 11 # 8 oz"         He turned around and sat down.    "You tell me this NOW? - Go across the street and get an X-ray!"     

(I know - X-ray!  There were no 4-D machines back then!)  Doctor Startzman called me later that evening and prepared me for a c-section. New vocab word.  Ouch - and I started walking - well, waddling.    (Now, from the back, no one knew I was with child - so that tells that I was 'all baby")    

On August 26, Roger called in to have the next shift off, we took his 'grub' (Firefighters ate dinner together and it was his shift to take it all in) to the Abel's house, so he could deliver it, then walked around that grand old Cypress called "The Senator."  (Yes, the one that some lame pot-head burned down)    After a light dinner, we settled in to watch MASH, one of our favorite shows. 

And then it started....OW!  And we jumped in the car (after I carefully waddled down the stairs!) and Roger took EVERY BRICK ROAD from Casselberry to downtown Orlando to get me to the hospital. I was confident that he wanted Fire/Rescue to do an curbside delivery and how Kristin arrived without a traumatic brain injury is only by the Grace of God!    Reaching a hospital never felt so good!

And pretty quickly I was drugged up and on my way to meet the knife.  It is funny how sedation works - I don't think I was out too deeply because I heard the doctor say - "A Girl - A big one!"

And then I don't remember any more until she was in my arms, probably later in the morning -for it was 12:14 AM when she arrived. 

I did  not get to see Roger's reaction when they said "GIRL" but I know that when I was able to walk down to the nursery, he was the man with the biggest smile on his face and showed everyone the prettiest baby in the nursery!  

We did not get to keep babies in our rooms for more than a few minutes at a time way back when. Roger did not stay with me too much, because he did not leave that nursery window.

And in a week (yes, really!) we all went home and the fun began.  

I often say that Kristin's life is by the grace of God because if anyone was not prepared to be a mother, it was me. I did not have a nurturing bone in my body. As a teen, I babysat exactly ONCE  and decided that the child nonsense was not for me.   And yet, in God's great wisdom, he gave me the responsibility of this precious baby girl.   

And she grew and she gained wisdom, and she was a joy and a blessing, and she never knew a stranger - just like her daddy.

And she has a level of compassion that I have never acquired - also from her daddy. 

And they were the best of friends and they were inseparable.  

And she would fish with him and hang outside with him and they would play in the dirt and he would lift her up into the big tree so she could see the world from a different point of view.

And he built a house for her and she would say "daddy, this house has no woof" and he would laugh and teach her that things have to be done in order. 

And when she cried, he comforted her. And when she was hurt, he took care of her. 

And he taught her how much Jesus loved her and how blessed we were to have her - but that she belonged to Him. 

And she took school about as seriously as he ever did - which means, of course, that it was a wonderful social outlet, where you might also learn something that may or may not be useful later, but probably not in the present.  

And she knew everyone in her school, not just the kids in her class. And she liked them and they liked her. And he continued to teach her that it is far better to be respected than to be liked. And she listened.  And she listened to others too - and she felt their joys, and sadness, pain and offered a hug and a listening ear and whatever she could to make it better. 

And sometimes it was good, and sometimes it brought her  pain, but she learned that it was all a part of living.  And she remained strong and joyful and never looked back, but always forward. 

And God has blessed her remarkably and these days she is treated like a princess, though she never acts like she is entitled to be one. 

And her daddy was so very proud of her and it might have been another of the happiest days of his life when she moved back near his heart. 

And they continued to spend good times together and he loved her family and her children and enjoyed starting the cycle all over again when little Emily came on the scene. 

And he would have done anything for her at any time, day or night. And he did. He delivered her paper rather than let it back in the sun. And he delivered pumpkins the moment they arrived at Publix, and he surprised her with shrimp rings...just because ..... 

And he picked her little girl up from school and had his little routine that was all about his girls - all of us.  And he was most certainly a daddy of girls - and I don't think he would have had it any other way if it had all been in his control.  And he knew that God blessed him the day his firstborn arrived on the scene - and  he never forgot it! 

And this day is a really really hard day because Roger loved birthdays and he loved his little girls. And he loved the way his little girls grew to be most amazing young women. 

And he was looking forward to the day when Kristin would finally enter a new decade, and he would celebrate a "0" with her.  But that has not happened for a decade, and it it isn't happening yet. 

Kristin is like her daddy - forever young.  He was - at 71, he was as young as ever. 

So, mixed with tears of sadness, for our girl - are also those tears of incredible happiness and joy - for we have been exceptionally blessed by the life of this young woman.  

Happy birthday to our sweet girl -   And it is from BOTH of us because you know that he is not gone, but is only in slumber - until we meet again on that great and glorious morning when we are all together again! 

Roger's Lesson:  If he were still walking with us the day would have gone like this ---

he would have called her bright and early with a happy birthday, long before he left work. He would have  probably started her day off with some treat on his way in from work, and stopped by several times to see if she needed anything. And there is no telling what he would have found at the grocery that she just could not live without. And he would have been looking forward to the big birthday dinner and the presents and no doubt, a gift bag from Mall at Millennia - it was a tradition! 

And the day would have been all about Kristin - and he would not have let anyone know how emotional it was for him, but it would have been!     He would say to "live life well!"    

Isn't it something the way memories can flood back as if you are living the moment all over again?

I often wonder if that is what it is like when they say that in a traumatic/life or death situation your "life flashes before your eyes"    Does it mean that your memories hit rewind and then fast forward ?

We know precious little about what Roger was feeling those last moments - did life flash before his eyes?  This I do know - if indeed his life flashed before his eyes, his focus was on his little girls and the things he most enjoyed as they grew up into remarkable young women. His focus would have been on his family - those who loved him most.   

And then, when he saw Jesus, he would have known that as hard as it was going to be for us without him, he would know that he lived life well and he taught us well and he invested in us - and we would just have to move forward and be fine. 

Because that was Roger - optimistic and always focused on what was coming and what was more wonderful beyond measure -

And that is eternity in Heaven  - with every member of his family and friends. 

Happy 29th Kristin! WE BOTH LOVE YOU - THROUGH ETERNITY!