I find myself wondering if Roger would have been watching the never ending news about Robin Williams, or if he would have been tuned in to international news, JLTV (Jewish Life TV,) or the Military Channel today. I know the answer, of course. Even though he liked Robin Williams as an actor, he would not have been consumed. He would have been more focused on world events.
Social media, being what it is, keeps us informed. I admit to doing a fair amount of scanning. Maybe I just want to know how other people are processing the loss of someone that most people cared about in that strange celebrity kind of way. We seem to love our entertainers in America, but Robin Williams was a little unique in that he came across as a regular guy, approachable, really human.
Teaching/Organization are my spiritual gifts and I am forever working on Compassion and Mercy. It comes so naturally to some - I guess that is why it is called a gift. I can tell you how to go about fixing something, or better yet, how to avoid having the problem again in the future - but sitting and crying and just listening and understanding - and keeping my mouth shut. Well ----let's say that I could be better at it.
Having experienced the receipt of a whole lot of compassion these last months, I am becoming a bit more sensitive to the concept. Right now I am really trying to process this entire depression / suicide thing. I really wish Roger were here so we could have a conversation about it. He worked in a world where there was a crisis or trauma almost every shift. (I think due more to people passing through the Space Center than on the job things) He was an action man, an incident commander. However, if there was a problem of any kind, he was the one you would want to be there first, right by your side. I know it was a gift. He is a true example of finding where you are best suited and spending a lifetime in that career. God placed him in the right profession! God blessed this very stable man by allowing him to stay at one work location for 42 years. (KSC) The stress of contract changes was enough. He thrived on stability.
Roger had a servant's heart, but he also had a lot of compassion. One of the places where we disagreed the most was his phrase - "It was not his/her fault." I know that he meant that we should not make someone feel bad about a situation by pointing a finger to what caused it, especially in the midst of the drama, but the whole "not my fault" thing really bothered me. Some things just are your fault. Mostly they are your fault for bad decisions that you make on your own. Cause and effect. That would be the teacher in me, right?
But there are certain times when it is not the time to be taught. I see that now is one of them, so I am trying very diligently to read and listen and seek wisdom. It hurts to watch others hurt. Depression is an awful thing and it can not always be fixed by 'looking up." Too often these days it is used as a crutch - a way to avoid facing the root of the problem - but that does not mean that it does not exist. I don't think you can fake it. Many times chemicals, allergies, and even medicines that are supposed to fix something else can cause it. More often than not, drugs and alcohol can wreck havoc on your body, and then your mind. We even see it with food allergies. No one is safe, it seems. And then, many many times it is spiritual issues. I find myself wondering if that is what Robin Williams referenced as his demons. We will never know, but it is with thinking about.
I still recall my week-long battle with depression many years ago. Thankfully Roger recognized the signs. It was the result of a drug called tamoxifien which was supposed to make the cancer not return. Every side effect that drug offered hit me full on. One week in and Roger somehow knew the change in me came with the filling of that prescription. He got me back to the doctor right away. The doctor had a plan. Give her one drug for hot flashes and another for depression and another for panic attack./anxiety ... all so that it would counteract the effects of one drug.
How in the world God had my attention that day, with that drug still in my bloodstream, I will never know (yes, I do!) - but I declined. I declined extra drugs and I declined tamoxifin. I was willing to risk living only two years rather than five if I stayed on it. The way I felt, I did not want to be around for two weeks! Was that a suicidal thought? Certainly, yet thankfully I did not act on it.
And I have never forgotten how I felt during that week of my life - and how I have felt in the days and years afterward. I do not think all the prayer in the world would have counteracted the effects of that drug. It was a risk to stop taking it, of course, and one that involved a lot of faith.
And thus the dilemma I have had about 'suicide' for most of my life. Certainly I don't think about it daily, but in times like these - questions arise again and again.
Roger watched over me and God protected me, and 16 years later, I am still thankful for that wise decision. However, many people are more compliant, more obedient than I am. As I sit here today, far more compassionate than ever in my lifetime, I hurt even more for not only the family of Robin Williams, but for the families of many people that I know who have had to face a similar tragedy. We don't understand, and so often we accept - "I'm fine" as the truth of the answer. And the guilt that the survivors must feel, has to be horrible. And yet, even as close as you are, you might not recognize the signs because, I just bet, they do not come on full force and overnight.
And guilt wears you down and especially if you are a Believer, it is where Satan can get to you and wear you down. Prayers won't help Robin Williams now, but they can help his family - and they can help those who may still be dealing with this type of loss of a loved one.
My struggle?
Is suicide just a spiritual problem? I think there are many factors, but without a strong, living relationship with Christ, I fell like there may be no real hope. That does not mean that a Christian can not have other 'demon.' (Mine was tamoxifen)
Is suicide selfish? Ultimately, in a black an white world, it is. How is it not if only God, our Creator, has the power over life and death.
What about eternity in Hell as a consequence for suicide? I kind of think salvation trumps that, but we will probably only know in eternity.
And guilt? That is so hard for those left behind and the part that needs such prayer in order that a family not be destroyed.
Thinking hurts sometimes and black and white answers do not feel right in this gray world in which we live. And so, referencing back to my scrolling - people argue - what a distraction.
Roger did not get bogged down with so many questions. He met needs.
Roger did not just greet someone and keep on walking. I can't even count the number of people who have told me in the past few months that when they were sick, he would check up on them and say "How are you feeling?" and they would say "Fine" - and then he would respond with "How are you...REALLY....this is me you are talking to, you know." WOW. JUST WOW.
He wanted to know what was going on inside - not just what we projected on the outside.
I don't have the answer to questions like "what is God going to say on Judgement Day" - or the concept that Suicide is the same as murder. I do know that God knows what is in the heart and sometimes the heart is so weak and so broken and life can look so dark for many many reasons, that I would not even venture to assume that I could know what God would say. I know that if you trust Christ once, He's there for you. He won't chase you down, but He will be near when you are ready to reach for Him again. I know that if this were a perfect world, we would not be dealing with such things as we are today, but this is far from a perfect world.
I know that I am working on being sensitive and yet not following the ways of the world that tell us that everything is ok - legal, illegal, does not matter. It is like walking on a tightrope! But I am trying to find the balance between what I believe God is teaching, and sensitivity to things I can not understand. I lean toward black and white answers. Two sides, good and evil, God's side or satan's.....all that, in a gray world......where people I love might make choices where I might not agree. But in it all, I still love them.
Roger's Lesson: He would say to look into the eyes of people that are sick, weak, and hurting. Don't just accept a simple answer when they say they are fine. Ask another question or two. Seek answers and help them get help.
Roger asked a lot of questions and he pointed a lot of people to the medical help they needed along his journey here. So many of them have outlived him and many might not have lived without some intervention. That is a pretty cool thing when I stop to think about it.
I hope I get it. My natural gifts are not the same as Roger's, but I keep working at it.
And my prayer is that, by the Grace of God, no one dies on my watch.
(And my sweet friend Laura is laughing right now, because she understands what I mean.)
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