Give Up?

February 13, 2015

It is such  a strange thing, this sense of time. I have pondered it for almost a year now.

I have come to really want to embrace this non-western view of time, which is more 'in the moment' than it is linear.  This is a really hard time when you have spent your entire life being raised with this 'western' view of time, which is linear and very much 'project oriented.'

A year ago on February 13, it was a rather quiet day. It was quiet and it was long.  We were at the point where everything for Roger's service was pretty much complete. I remember feeling like I was in this strange kind of hold pattern. There was nothing to be done, but that he was not coming back, or merely at work, or just off on an errand, had just not fully connected.

I can also remember things like being told to 'take a pill" so you can get through this. And things like 'here, drink this, it will help you to numb the pain."    Both were very foreign phrases to me, for I did not want a pill or a drink to help me get through anything.

In the midst of it all, I knew that God had provided a way for me and that if I just trusted, and kept on trusting, then He would give me whatever it was that I needed - even though I had no clue what I really needed.  That does not in any way mean that I did not shed a whole lot of tears though.

I learned during that week that tears can be healing and it is ok to cry.  My Pastor told me - well, all of us - straight up....."it is ok to cry, to be sad, even to be angry - just don't stay there forever"  ....sure, I knew that Jesus wept, because I can read the Scriptures.   I had lost loved ones - parents - but these were very different tears.  When you have lived a really long and good life and your body is just worn out, it is almost a comfort to those left behind to know that your loved one has no more pain and especially so if you are confident that they are in the arms of Jesus.

But 71 is not old these days, and he had just passed a physical, and he was told that he was better at 71 than at 70, and nothing at all gave us a clue that he had any particular heart issues.  An afternoon run was nothing out of the ordinary, and on top of that, it was a beautiful and cool February day.

But Jesus called. And he was ready.  We know this because of a conversation he had with a firefighter on his final shift. They did not know it was his final shift, of course. But we knew he was 'ready' and that turned out to be such a comfort in the days following February 10, 2014.

Looking back on Roger's career as a firefighter, I think about how blessed we were all those years.  I know of two times when his life was spared.  God had a reason.   Roger helped a whole lot of people in his time here. Though he was never fond of being late - ok, he hated it and was driven to be on the 'one hour early' side of on time - but in the case of an emergency, time had no meaning except for the need to act quickly. And that he did, time and again. On duty and off.  He never really rested - he kind of reminded me about that verse that tells us that satan looks to and fro across the earth, looking for those he can devour.  Roger was always looking to and fro - keeping and eye out, especially in an assembly building - to see who might need to be saved from some impending disaster, medical need, or just needed assistance.   I think I was always 'off duty' because of it, and that might not have been so good.  Our girls don't even remember me 'doctoring' them - dad was always there.  Hmmm.

Maybe I tried to teach them to avoid disaster?  I know he was seriously focused on teaching them to use common sense.  "More valuable than mere intelligence" he would say!

All of these years, I have seen God's goodness "in the land of the living" (I can still hear Bro. Bill say that!) I walked that journey through cancer and He never left me - Roger reminded me and demonstrated that to me so often - the ways that God carried me through the really rough stuff.

And then life goes on, and we get busy, and God is always there, bus sometimes we just give Him a passing nod. We thank Him along the way, and we ask Him for stuff - maybe not for ourselves, but for others. And He listens, and answers, because He loves us.  But leaning - I wonder how often we do that in the easy, good times.

And then, bam - something really big, really unexpected, hits. This is when we really realize that this is not something we can survive alone. And God is there - because He always has been. And He is strong, and able, and will be there, just because that is what He does.

And the wonderfully amazing thing is that we don't have to be good enough, or rich enough, or beg enough, or have the right connections, or have this mystical spiritual thing going on.  He is as real as you and me, but He is not you and me. And we are not Him - nor can we ever be.

It is just such an amazing thing for me to think about.

Roger's Lesson:  He would say "you've got it, babe" - exactly. 

For absolute certain, I have no idea where 2015 will take me. I have no idea if I will see a few months of it, or all of it.  I have no idea whether treatments will work, nor if we will run out of options, nor if bam- all of the bad cells will just implode, self-destruct, go to sleep......

But this I do know - God carried me through this personal battle in 1996 and I lived to tell about it and live some very wonderful years - 18 more, in fact. They were filled with people who so blessed my life.

He carried me through 2014 and beyond, when I thought at times that I could not possibly survive without my soul mate - and often did not really care to (but not in a depressed way - just in a lonely way) And yet, I have survived it and been so blessed by long time friends, students, family - and even by people I have never even met.

So 2015 - this is quite possibly the toughest battle I have ever faced. It is a pretty big one. It is one of those things where you can say - "it hurts down to my very bones" and it is literally true.
But I know that He will carry me through - through to 2016 and beyond, or through to my eternal home, whenever that might be.  (Personally, I am pulling for going with the Rapture, but isn't that everyone's dream?)

But I can truly say that I have no fear, little if any anxiety, and an absolute confidence that He will be with me every step of the way.  I can step off that cliff into the world called 'cancer' and not wonder if He will catch me. He will.

I am thankful that Christ chose me, and that when He 'knocked on the door of my heart' (Now - get that visual image) - that I answered.  What a journey it has been - ups and downs - valleys and mountaintops - home and abroad, I have been so abundantly blessed.

The goodness of the Lord, in the land of the living.

I can't imagine why anyone would not choose Christ.  I wish everyone would.

Time - in the moment. Every moment.  
Give up?  No, my story won't end that way.
Too many people won't allow me to let it!