Wheels

February 20, 2015

Sometimes you just have to let go and give in.

Sometimes those around you, those who seem to be the ones who are a bit over-protective, those who want to help you stay independent but seem to offer up things that seem too medical ....ok, sometimes you just ought to listen.

I guess it makes me think back to being a young mother. You never want your child to be sick, or hurt, or struggle. Yet - you know that you appreciate health only after you have been sick. You know that you only know happiness and joy once you have experienced hurt or pain. You know that you only become stronger if you have had to struggle.   So many times these days I comment about how society seems to want to 'bubble wrap' the children so that they never have to experience these things. I am not sure that is so good.

I remember trying to teach the lesson after the girls were hurt or sad or struggling. I think that I was not the more compassionate type of mother - but the more teaching kind - and then thought.."oh my goodness, I need to be hugging right now"   Dad took care of all the sick and emergency calls - and he was good at it.   But somehow, our girls learned both practicality and compassion. They are a great balance in each other.

This is a really tough time in life. I guess that thinking last year was tough was only the practice run. Last year was all about emotion and memories and how to handle the constancy of tears and fighting them back - and moving forward.   This year is more physical.

It is more about wanting to be this totally independent person - when in reality, I need to give some of it up - at least for a while.

It is about having pain that I do not understand, and working hard not to show it, but feeling it all the same.

It is about trying to be really honest about how I feel when talking to our girls, and yet not allowing myself to give into pain so that it becomes me.

It is about not giving up.

It is about trusting God to give me strength and purpose with each new day.

It is about sometimes feeling like Heaven could be so close and so much better, but accepting that maybe that is not what God is asking me to focus on at the moment.

It is about often wondering the purpose of all of this physical pain when I have not fully recovered from the emotional pain. Yet - all the while trusting God because He not only knows the future, He knows the purpose.

These past three weeks have been interesting. The appointed time, every day, for three weeks, has been 10:45 - for radiology. Nuke me.
I could not have asked for a better doctor nor better technicians. What blessings, what gifts from God.  They have been encouraging and inspiring and have challenged me to keep up the good fight.

They have constantly told me to relax and let them do their job and that my job is to stay safe and not break anything and to rest.  Most people would BEG to have three weeks to rest, right?  Why do I have to fight it so much?   "You can rest because your body needs it, or your body will crash so it can rest. It is your choice."     Perhaps not welcome, but still very wise advice.

Roger's Advice:  Your reports have been great this week, so you have nothing to complain about. Try listening to the children. You trained them to be trustworthy. 

I can hear him saying this to me.  And yes, I gave in. I said ok to the chair. And they were happy for me to have a lovely red one - fire engine red. And it matches my hiking stick and my glasses.

Because, after all, if you have to have DME (Durable Medical Equipment) you just might as well be fashionable.

It makes me think about how God taught us to train up our children - to invest in them - and to teach them good judgement and then to trust that they use good judgement.  Maybe I never thought about doing that so it would come back to help and to bless me - but I guess that is what He was teaching us as parents.  I could not have asked for better children to be entrusted to my care - our care.

Whatever the future holds, I have a pretty blessed life.
The pain? Oh, it is for a season.
The sadness? Well, the sun will still shine - and I can embrace it or close the shades.
The future?    I will enjoy my bright red chair for as long as I must. I will do what I can to feel as close to normal as possible, whenever I can.

And I will hope that my "get up and go" comes back sooner than later - with all the hopes that it will because prayer means something and a whole lot of people are spending a whole lot of time asking God to help me through this season.

So give me those shiny red wheels - and let's get this girl moving.
God has a bright future out there - and it is time for more adventures!