New Vocab

It is February and I am back in January 2015.

We almost made it to the finish line - that being Feb. 10, 2015. Almost.  Things changed in January.

So much has happened that my head still can't get wrapped around it all.

Dec. 26 - life changed with that visit to the Pulmonologist.

Dec. 30 - Life got better. I could breathe again. New words in my vocabulary. Pleural Effusion. Thank you to whomever invented Google and made it possible for us to look up new words on the fly!  Fluid - not IN the lungs, but around. Who knew that you had a zip bag of sorts around each lung and that it contained about a teaspoon of fluid. Well - not me.   Crack of dawn at Health Central for a blood draw and a 'procedure' which drew off a two litre bottle of fluid - from around each lung.  OH GLORY! No wonder I could barely breathe.  My lungs were squeezed flat. Who knew your body could do that? Not me!   The good news. I lost 8 pounds in less than an hour!

Wow - to be able to breathe again! I felt GREAT!  Packed my suitcase, got all my final documents ready for the trip to Europe - prepared for the last meeting with the kids and chaperones. Have Judi, will travel!  

Happy New Year! I felt better than I had in some time. Yes....we would reach that finish line!

January 5 - Somewhere in the previous week I had an echocardiogram, which revealed that I did indeed have a heart and it was in great shape. Yes! No problem climbing around in Europe!
Late afternoon visit with my Pulmonologist. Of COURSE I went alone - I felt great.
Pathology report - Malignant.

What?  That word was the farthest possible from my vocabulary. I had not used that word for 18 years.  I returned to the car after the visit, hoping that I has absorbed everything. The alarm on my phone chimed.  Message.  Roger: Eternity.   It was 5:30 on a Monday.

Sitting in the car, with texts coming from my children  - "what did you find out?" - I could not even answer them.  I just sat.  I stared blankly into the parking lot across from me. What did this mean?
What did it mean that I could travel if I wanted to because I would not matter either way?  What did malignant mean? Little? A lot? Something rare? More tests? Well, certainly more tests.

In a strange way that day, I felt Roger's presence with me. I felt him assuring me that things would be fine and that I needed to keep trusting God just as I had every day for the past year.

In those moments, I think I realized how very weak I was, on my own.

In those moments, I could not imagine telling my children that we had another unknown before us - yet I knew that they were strong and they would stay positive - but oh, how I did not want them to have to think about this. Not on a Monday.  Not at this time.

And I sat, and I cried, and I asked God to lead me and show me how to handle this.

Roger's Lesson:  Eternity. Yes - it is absolutely great - but not until you are supposed to be there, and God will call you when He is ready for you. And not before. 

Yes - that comforted me, though the weakness in me wanted to go right now. But I knew that I had to wait for God's timing. And that He would show me His purpose in all of this.

So, hello 2015 - another adventure begins. Another journey that will be impossible without God right by my side.

So I went home, and packed those bags. Europe was calling. Kids were prepared. Unless God clearly closed the door, I would deal with the M word when I returned from Europe.  It is what Roger would have encouraged me to do.