A year.
Actually, it has been a week.
A week re-lived in so many ways.
I think that for the first time in a year I have failed to 'anticipate.'
I have failed to think in advance about how I was going to handle 'the big ones.'
I have failed to get myself 'psyched up' and ready to brace myself for the potential of floods of tears, or unexpected emotion that I can not control.
I have failed to plan for how "I" would handle myself.
I have just let go - and let God. Maybe for the first time.
And it has been a really good week.
Often during the week I found myself wondering if I was just too fatigued, or too busy with doctor visits, or too distracted while looking forward to the visit with my sister - to have noticed.
I don't think that was it at all. I think that for the first time I just decided to roll with the waves - something a student taught me back in 1996 - and just see what God was going to do.
It is funny - actually crazy - the way we know these things and yet we don't do them. I know that God will get me through. I have experienced it in profound ways in my lifetime. For goodness sakes, I am only here today because God has 'gotten me through.' A doctor even commented that it was surprising that I was still here- 'we don't see it that often.' Well - God is an amazing God - and that is all I can say about it.
My sister (and her family) was here a year ago this week. I just realized that. It seems like yesterday and it seems like forever ago. A lot of family and friends who really wanted to be here were actually snowed in - as far south as Georgia - and couldn't even get out of their driveways. A year ago, Atlanta was snowed in and caught totally off guard for a blizzard. A year ago it was cold and wet and while we were preparing for final services for our hero, Orlando families were also mourning the deaths of five young people who died in a fiery crash as well as a police officer who was so needlessly murdered while answering the call to serve and protect. In fact, the same officers who came to Roger's service, had to quickly depart so they could be there for the police officer. We even tried to move away from Woodlawn quickly - though they never rushed us - because the police officer burial was coming in as we were leaving. Two heroes on one afternoon.
Jimmy and Rick worked as a team to put together a most memorable Fire Department Honor Guard and everything that goes with it. Ocoee FD showed up as we were escorted from home to the church. Orlando Fire Department brought a truck as did NASA/KSC - something so rare!
"Chief" - Roger's chief - our friend - the young man who did what Roger told him to do so many years ago - when he was quite happy right where he was - Rick was by my side the entire day. Strength in action. Roger would have been SO Proud! I was So thankful! There are just not words to express my emotion a year ago. And a lot of those memories have carried me for a year - and probably will for a whole lot longer.
A lot took place that day. I can't remember now how much I wrote about it, but I will go to the archives and take a look. If I didn't write - then maybe I will soon. The memories still seem so fresh.
A year later, I can say that the writing has been a good thing for me. It has made me feel productive. It has allowed me to process a lot and at the same time leave some wonderful memories for my children and grandchildren. It has allowed me to remember things that tend to remain in the recesses of our minds, ever present but never processed and appreciated.
A year later, I can still remember a lot of the words that were spoken at the service. I can still hear the songs that so beautifully expressed the flavor of Roger's life "How can I say thanks for the things you have done for me....." And "God Bless America" ("I've never heard that sung at a funeral before" Pastor Cloer) - oh, but more powerfully sung than I have EVER heard it.
Roger loved his country and he loved his Savior. And Bro. Clayton (Pastor Cloer) expressed it in a way that anyone and everyone could understand. Theologically correct or not - I will always hold on to the idea that Roger could look down from Heaven and see what his life meant to others - and I will also know that nothing on this earth mattered to him any more than knowing that each person that he knew, no matter how much or how little, would meet him in eternity with Jesus.
I know that if his life meant anything to anyone - that if anyone wanted to do something that would make him rejoice from the depths of his soul - that it would be for them to walk with Christ for the rest of the days of their lives - and into eternity too.
And it is so easy. You don't have to be good enough, or get rid of anything that you think might hinder you, He really is beyond all of that stuff. Besides, He will help you get all of the messes of life straightened out just fine - trust comes slowly sometimes, but step out in faith. Take that first step in realizing that your life - my life - is not all that is pleasing to God and you have half the battle won already!
He is there. If you do believe but don't feel it - it is not God that moved. Move closer. Listen. He's there to hear and answer. If believing seems foreign, move closer anyway. Open your heart and see if you can hear Him calling. He will, but you have to listen. Not just hear - we can all hear to some degree - but listen. That requires tuning in. Block out the junk of life and listen for the real thing. The thing that counts for all of eternity.
Roger's Lesson:
Unbelievable? Oh yes, Heaven is UNBELIEVABLE! Take that first step. You will never regret it.
When we finally visited the Fire Station - I think we all said UNBELIEVABLE
* that Roger was able to exist in this world of technology
* that it was such a fun place to be
* that if life was this great for him on earth - and Heaven is even better
Then we would make it for the rest of our earthly journey and embrace our great memories
BECAUSE
What he is doing now has got to be the best RESPONSE (fire call?) of a lifetime!
I guess you can call it perspective.
Hopefully letting go will help me get through the next phase of "I have no idea what" - but with an eternal perspective - it is just going to be ok, if not UNBELIEVEABLE!
Thanks for continuing your posts that inspire us.
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