FOCUS - It is not a car.

Officer Robbie 

Tears. Will they ever stop? There was a time, nearly two decades ago when I cried so many tears that I made up my mind that I could stifle that tear induced headache for the rest of my life.

I pretty well did that too, until 2014 arrived. To look at most things through my eyes these days, you would find the world pretty out of focus. (Political comment would fit here, but I will refrain)  Even if tears are not running down my face, even if my nose is not a sniffling mess, there are still an abundance of those vision blocking little blobs of liquid siting at the rims of my lids.

My eyes are anything but dry these days....you might imagine that it saves me a lot of money on Restasis....but I'll take the synthetic tears any day. No emotion involved that way!

I keep thinking of tears like rain. We hardly ever love it when it is falling and blocking out the sun, but afterward, the world is refreshed. Things like pollen are knocked down to the earth and not floating around in the air. The world just smells better after a good rain.  I am hoping that tears will eventually be the same way.  Right now my heart just hurts so much and I don't know if that brings the tears, or the tears bring the heart ache. It may well be that life is just going to bring one heartache after another, but I am certainly praying that God will keep showing me the big picture in all of this.

We went to the visitation for Officer Robbie tonight. These things are happening far too often these days. This one, so senseless.  His family, so strong and brave. Roger would have been there early. (We on the other hand can never seem to get a grip on early) But we were there. The men and women who participate as an Honor Guard for 'the fallen' are just remarkable.  What they do is only a step or so from the way the Marines guard the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. It is quite something. People work together in all kinds of jobs, and they find friendship and belonging. But...first responders....these are a special breed. They have something inside that makes them decide that above all else, they are willing to put their life on the line for someone they may not even know. It is a character trait that is really hard to identify, yet they all seem to have it. And they need each other much more than we who work in offices, etc, seem to need it. It builds a bond that you really can't explain, unless you have lived with it. All of our officers are hurting tonight, and officers throughout the state are as well. And they are tough, and I bet they are holding in the tears....but I also bet their eyes are pretty well filled with that watery stuff...even if it does not run down their cheeks.

I've been thinking a lot about Robbie today. Roger knew him and liked him very much. He was a good officer. A fine young man. A man with such promise and such a caring heart. We have other officers like Robbie, but no one IS Robbie.  Like other WPD officers, Robbie stood at attention at the roundabout when we made our journey to the church a few weeks ago. A special moment in time. He will have the same done for him. But way too soon.

I also thought a lot today about how I know that I recognize people around me, but I don't often know much about them, or often, don't remember their name. (I do try, but unless I have a paper and pencil....ugh, just call it tactile learning that I need)  I am working on becoming better at that.  I've even found myself asking...'help me with your name?"   Talking actually helps me to make that connection and I am taking baby steps at least!  It takes concentration to remember new names and faces and I can just bet that most of the time I have too many other things on my mind. I always think I will get a second chance to get that name. Well, clearly, not always.

Roger was more single-minded. He tended to do one thing at a time and focus on what he was doing. He also delegated better than I (he called it empowering)....This do-it herself gal, needs to work on that too! But when I am with people...especially new acquaintances, I need to be more single-minded. I need to focus.

I realized today that Roger's Lesson for me is to FOCUS.

He had started to drive me crazy by constantly asking me "are ya listening?".....I'm sure I was not! My brain even feels out of focus, fuzzy, these days. I don't particularly like that feeling either. It is like I can not stay on task for the life of me. I think the problem is 'too many things'......he would often ask me how many things I really needed to do at once.  Clearly, probably only one.

It is making me wonder if it is really such a great skill to be able to multi-task. I'm pretty good at it, and yet, I think that while it has allowed me to DO quite a lot in this little lifetime of mine...that skill has also ended up costing me quite a lot. I now believe that you lose a lot more than you gain when you fail to focus. Wish I had figured that out sooner.

When reading The Word....boy, I have to focus or I walk away not really getting much out of it. I have a feeling that it is God's plan for things to work like that. Now if I can only apply on a daily - almost momentary basis, what works when studying God's Word....
well, that might lead me into wonderful new discoveries....
and people!