What I thought that I heard tonight is that "it makes sense" but my head keeps spinning and trying to put that thought into some kind of perspective. A pastor said it, so I know it had to come from a spiritual place, but standing alone, that statement sounds rather cold and harsh, given the subject matter.
Making sense of things that don't make sense at all. Our minds have this need to put things in order, to make things rational, to make something normal out of what is anything but normal.
How could you possibly make sense of senseless, point blank, cold blooded murder? I can't fathom anything remotely close to having it make sense. This is far more difficult than trying to make sense of a man in relatively good shape just dropping off the planet while he was out running. I mean, we can rationalize things like age, like he could have eaten more fruits and vegetables, he could have slept more....all those things that 'they' say will extend our life. We can rationalize and make some sense of that. But cold blooded murder? How in the world? I think that all evening long, after this memorial service, this thought has been tossing in my head.
They sang this song...Josh Groban, You Raise Me Up.....it was a favorite of Roger's. They played it all the time on Celtic Woman, with the violin. Very Irish sounding. Karin bought him the CD for Christmas and he played it all the time. It did not make much sense to me then, but maybe he has a message for me now. Roger's Lesson: I think it is that you are stronger than you might think.
You Raise Me Up
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit a while with me
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up, to more than I can be
There is no life - no life without its hunger
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly
But when you come and I am filled with wonder
Sometimes, I think, I glimpse eternity.
I don't know if this is a Christian song or not, probably not, the theology may or may not be right, but it speaks to me whenever I hear it, and it spoke to me tonight. It is almost like I could hear him saying that I really need this quiet...this 'get away' time....it is ok to sit in silence, but when I do it, I need to listen. No background noises of nonsense chatter (Call that TV - I have a habit of letting HGTV run quietly in the background) Sitting a while can be referencing God, of course, but at this time, it also is kind of sitting and thinking about Roger and all of the things we talked and dreamed about over 41 some odd years. And yes, it makes me cry because 41 was not nearly long enough.
But then there is this part about hearts beating imperfectly and the thought about "it makes sense" came back to me. I guess this tragedy does make sense because this world in and of itself is pretty imperfect, yes, even evil. Sure, we have good parts, we all have that....but surrounding us is the darkness of this world. That is what entered Windermere a week ago...the darkness of this world. The imperfection. Unless Christ is guiding your footsteps, pretty much any of us is capable of evil...maybe not as evil as what was displayed last Saturday, but certainly evil to some degree. We don't think of ourselves as evil, but be still and quiet. Ick.
And yet storms, when we survive them, make us stronger. I feel like Windermere is going to be stronger as a community. I can already see a peace and a quiet strength in our Police Department. They are different, but they would be. They have encountered two senseless deaths among police officers that served this town...both within a two month period. I am sure that walking through the valley with Officer Pine, in a way prepared these young men for the strength that would be needed for Officer German. Each thing you do builds strength and character if you allow it.
No one is perfect, of course, and I get kind of sick of that message that goes around that because you profess to be a Christian, you should be perfect. Oh goodness...that is certainly an unattainable goal....but it should be a goal at the very least. At least to be a light in a dark world...we can all do that...but not on our own. The more I read and hear about Robbie, I think he was that kind of a light, in his ordinary every day way. Roger was that kind of light too....no beating you over the head, but you knew he was different. You knew his strength was different and came from a different source.
And then there is the part....."when you come, and I am filled with wonder...sometimes, I think, I glimpse eternity. "
Yes, there are moments. Moments when I want Roger back so badly, so desperately. But if I am really still and really quiet, I can almost imagine...no almost visualize him enjoying the wonders of Heaven....and how could I ever pull him back and away from that. Is that what a glimpse of heaven is like?
I still can't make sense of the senseless....but yes, it makes sense that tragic things happen in this life, because we live in the world...a world that has seen Christ but has rejected Him. I am personally so glad that the decision to trust, believe, embrace....call it what you will....but to walk with Christ on this earth....that it is a personal decision and not one that we all do or don't do because one or two powers that be decide for us. Boy....that is one decision you not only should make for yourself....it is one you HAVE to make for yourself. It makes all the difference, not only in making sense out of this life, but for enjoying eternity or being miserable for eternity.
And as Roger would say....'eternity is a very long time'
I am going to sit a while in silence a lot more often.
:-)))
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