Not prepared for this...

Missing you: March

 

Both of us

 Today was probably tougher than any in the past month. Month. That sounds so long ago and yet feels like a moment ago. I woke up with tears in my eyes. Every little thing I touched or did all day just brought the tears around again. 
We decided the day was not going so great anyway, so we shared the toxicology report. Advil and Caffeine. No surprise there. "Artha-rite-is" and Allens.  
It did not matter. The loss just seems so overwhelming today. I hate pity parties. 

Picking up Emi from school would normally be the day brightener, and it was for a moment, until I was told that I don't carry her backpack like Ro-Ro did, so I needed to up my game. Great. Oh. The lunch box too.   Special that she has such wonderful memories and I am so very thankful for that. Some 7 year olds don't even get to see their grandparents all that often. She and Ro-Ro had a very special bond. 

Of course the 10th would fall on a Monday. The calendar was set that way this year. We did homework and baked cookies and ate celery and other veggies, and of course grilled cheese...after school snack. That should have taken my mind off things, but it did not.  Emi kept asking what was wrong....I was just very sad today, that's all. 

We decided to go on down to the sidewalk and chalk a while. We both love chalking and my little angel is getting quite proficient at it too. She was even dressed to be able to handle a potential mess! So we headed over to pick up the golf cart and along the way, Emily started telling me all of the wonderful things we could draw. She was determined it would be clovers, but only the lucky ones, because we were lucky to have Ro-Ro for a long time. And he was lucky that everyone loved him.  (I would say that was more than luck, but in a 7 year old world...yes, lucky) 

Right about 4:32 I received a text from someone who was praying for me. That was a gift from God, of course, but the tears came back. How did she know? I also knew she would be praying me through this rough hour. And so little Emi and I set about sketching and filling with lovely pigments and blending and highlighting and even writing, which is hard enough to do with chalk. And other than the few people who drove past, slowed down to observe and then go on their way and other than the few runners who ran in the sand instead of on the sidewalk for a bit, it was just us. Lost in our art. 

And finally, we were satisfied enough and we cleaned our hands and loaded up the golf cart and saved our chalk for another therapeutic day. 

And a few hours later when Karin went for a run, the hearts were still there, not even scuffed. Remarkable people we have in this little town. Remarkable friends we have who pray, simply because they feel God leading them. Remarkable that I was able to finish this day and still call it a good day. Tears are not an altogether bad thing. Sometimes they are cleansing, healing. Sometimes they just happen because there are just no words to express what you feel. 

And I just received a message from another wise friend, and though it made me cry another bucketload, it was perfect. It talked about when I wake up with tears, and about love, and about how it goes both ways. And it reminded me that Roger is still alive.  He is just alive in another place.  It feels like an alternate universe to me, but to him...it is glorious and it is home. 

And I just have to believe that God is using these uniquely timed messages to let me know that times may be hard right now, and the loss may be great, but He will get me through this. And one day, I too will enjoy that wonder of Heaven that Roger is enjoying right now.

And honestly...I think that is Roger's Lesson. He wants me to know that the hope we have in eternal life with Christ, in Heaven, is real. And that while we are separated for now, it won't be forever. 

And that little part of the poem that said that he misses me too. I surely do hope that part is true! 

I miss him more terribly than I would have ever thought possible. 
He did not prepare me for this.