The Written Hand

Seeing it in writing....

Penmanship. Now there is a lost art. In this world of technology, when does someone ever write out much more than a greeting card or thank you note? Even then, there are the e-greetings and thank you's available online. 

Over the past month, I have received some of the most precious messages written by hand. I had sort of forgotten how special that is, and happen to be one of the world's worst about actually doing this myself. I mean to, and I write, but that getting it in the snail mail thing always trips me up! Shameful! 

Penmanship - the definition I learned many years ago is that penmanship is having enough respect for other people so as to write in a hand easily read and understood by others.  Pretty cool. It is also a bit of a 'slap in the face' to me when I scribble something, even to myself, and then can't make it out. (Of course, this excludes journaling when on a bus, because some of that kind of scribble is unavoidable)  

I always loved penmanship class. Yes, youngsters would find it unbelievable that it used to actually be a subject in school!  I loved the challenge of getting my loopy letters just perfect. And the ones that hang below the line...oh yes...the flourishes one could add! (I always got in trouble for that, however) The o's and e's ... they taught me about opening up and compressing. Such control was necessary for fine penmanship.  I was probably drawn to it because it was something I could control. 

A precious friend stopped by for a chat...and lots of laughter...and brought me this lovely handwritten report of sorts on Grief. I had casually said that I surely would like a checklist, or spreadsheet, so I could complete everything required and be done with this crying. And look at her...not only did she know that I had crazy thinking going on there (nothing new) but she put together a little list to help me. Being a fairly organized and task oriented kind of gal, I am very fond of spreadsheets. They are one of the most wonderful things ever invented by technology! (I was in love when I saw the first columnar pad in my dad's stationery store decades ago)  It seemed a very reasonable way to me for attacking this 'stages of grief' thing.  Wrong. 

I enjoyed the fact that this little message to me was written by hand. (and quite legible too!) A personal delivery too...exactly what Roger would have done! A gift from above! 

But the message contained within was so very freeing. It showed me that grief is not something you can organize, fit neatly into a spreadsheet checklist, nor control. There is no normal. WHAT? !  
Not that by any stretch of the imagination have I ever fit into the box called 'normal' but it is something that I constantly strive to attain. There is no NORMAL?  What is the standard then?

I have observed people going through grief. Some never came out of it and I mean 20 years later. Some exist but never really live again. Some just always have a sadness that never seems to go away. Some held an anger or madness that would never go away. And yet, some came out on the other side joyful and encouraging and living life to the fullest. I just figured that some did the checklist and others missed something. Possibly not, since there is no 'normal.'

So how do I combine this intense sadness and loss with the desire to come out of this joyful and encouraging and living life to the fullest?  I knew Roger Tome well enough to know that he would be a mighty unhappy fella to find his family wallowing in sadness. For ages. So we have to figure this out. 

There is no deadline. This is hard for me. I am fond of deadlines. They keep me on task. Take away my deadline and I might go stark raving mad! Scarlet O'Hara wore her black mourning clothes for a year, because that was supposed to be normal. (Clearly it was not her normal)   A year seems practical, because you would do everything the first time, alone, within a year's time. But it also feels so much like living in a box. And I can't maintain sadness for a whole year. Nor would he want me to.  So how does this grief thing work itself out? Karin helped me with that...  http://www.everydaykarin.com/2014/03/what-grief-feels-like/

My little notes are going to help. 
There is no normal. It takes time. Time is different for everyone. It will be much easier if you let God love, comfort, and direct your path. It hits you physically, emotionally, cognitively, behaviorally and spiritually.  (Yes, even when one considers themselves not much of a spiritual being, God is still there, waiting to help, leading.) 

And most of the time, you never know, and can not predict what will set off any of those factors. 

But the most freeing of all was in learning that it is about adapting and making the transition. It is not about 'getting better'  or 'getting through it' or 'moving on.' 

"We don't get over a loss. We accept our grief journey as a part of our life experience. The loss experience is a part of our life journey"       

I don't know if that is personal words of wisdom, or condensed from something she has learned or experienced, but wow...it is profound! And it speaks loudly to me. 

And it fits perfectly with Roger's Lessons about life in general. We are on a journey. We will experience all kinds of things during this earthly existence and they will prepare us for that eternal one. Perhaps the sadness and loss will serve to contrast with the joy and gain we will have in Heaven.   

Interestingly, this is not so far off from what I have felt compelled to do all along. To get out of myself and into others. To take those times of deep sadness and focus on his joy in Heaven. (Of course, I can do this because my faith gives me the strength to think of eternity in a very positive and uplifting way, with Jesus, forever)   And it was so encouraging to read, from one who has the training and knowledge in this area, that I'm not a crazy person. These highs and lows do not mean that I need something to dull the pain...they are expressions of grief and their intensity will subside...in time. 

Time heals. 
But I suspect that time will heal the pain of loss much more effectively if Christ is central to that process. I have determined that I will live out the rest of my life joyful and as encouraging as is possible for me. I want to be like Roger and make people feel better because thy have crossed my path.  Other people surely do that for me!   

And now, back to the thank you notes, in a written hand, legible, out of respect for others.